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Original poster

MIL calling

54 replies

Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:21

How often does your MIL call?
DP (of 20 yrs) mother is on the phone every night. I don't get involved personally as don't like the intrusion and needy/possessive/controlling aspects of her behaviour, but as soon as she rings he jumps up and practically runs into other rooms. Always has. I've mentioned it in the past and he's stopped it for a time but always reverts to this. And I'm not really into dictating or controlling others' behaviour. She's like a third person in the relationship (or more like first or second, me being the third!) So over it.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 07/06/2023 15:24

Gosh. This has been going on for 20 years. What do they have to talk about every single day?

My mil used to call me up to 8 times a day when my ds was born. I was slowly going crackers with it. My ex did nothing about it so I had to tell her to stop and she was of course deeply offended which upset my ex.

Does your mil have nobody else to chat to? Other children? Her spouse?

tailinthejam · 07/06/2023 15:25

That does sound rather irritating. What do they talk about - does he tell you?

bussteward · 07/06/2023 15:26

20 years! It’s unlikely to stop at this point, isn’t it?

I think DP calls MIL once in a blue moon. If he didn’t she wouldn’t bother at all.

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/06/2023 15:29

I called my late mum every day, sometimes more than once! Don't see the harm in it?

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:30

There's a spouse and a sibling, her and the FIL seem to annoy each other quite a bit. In normal times I've no idea what they find to talk about, at present it's mostly about our moving house (DP and me) which she has clearly involved herself in to a large degree.

OP posts:
OhBling · 07/06/2023 15:32

Dh talks to his mother a lot. Doesn't bother me. But it would be different if he was interrupting time with me or the DC to talk to her. So if we're eating dinner for example, and she rang, he might answer (she's frail) but if it's just a chat, he'd tell her he'll call back.

But to be honest, I think the two of them have developed ar routine of talking at times that are more convenient - so either in the middle of the day after his shift when I'm working and the DC are at school or late at night as they're both night owls.

quietnightmare · 07/06/2023 15:33

Ewwww that is off putting she needs to cut the cord or better yet your husband need to cut it himself.

My MIL calls 3 times a week, but calls me not my husband as we get on great and if she called my husband she would be calling just to ask him to pass the phone to me 😂

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:33

It definitely won't stop and calls will be added to with visits and whatever else post-move. Not much in the way of boundaries which is really grating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:35

quietnightmare · 07/06/2023 15:33

Ewwww that is off putting she needs to cut the cord or better yet your husband need to cut it himself.

My MIL calls 3 times a week, but calls me not my husband as we get on great and if she called my husband she would be calling just to ask him to pass the phone to me 😂

YES. But neither will. 3 times a week is more civilised.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 07/06/2023 15:36

It has to be annoying for you z does she call a certain time each day? Could you start having tea at this time when she calls? Or now the weather is getting better when you see her calling go out for a walk and ask for you husband to join you? Or magically need some help around the house when she's calling ?

OhComeOnFFS · 07/06/2023 15:36

Why is this seen as a bad thing? I can understand if he's telling her things about your private life, but if he's not then surely it's OK?

My son is married and I could easily chat to him every day without talking about his private life. His wife speaks to her parents for an hour every night (they live in another country). What's the problem?

OhComeOnFFS · 07/06/2023 15:37

quietnightmare · 07/06/2023 15:36

It has to be annoying for you z does she call a certain time each day? Could you start having tea at this time when she calls? Or now the weather is getting better when you see her calling go out for a walk and ask for you husband to join you? Or magically need some help around the house when she's calling ?

But why should she try to prevent the call? It sounds as though he's happy to talk to her.

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 15:37

I would find that very, very difficult to live with and frankly, weird. But you needed to tackle this in the early days - after 20 years, it's not going to change.
My husband used to phone his mother approx once a week, and see her 2 or 3 times a year. They had a good relationship and she understood that he had a very demanding career, so wouldn't be doing a round trip of several hours very often.

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:40

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/06/2023 15:29

I called my late mum every day, sometimes more than once! Don't see the harm in it?

No disrespect to you or others who call every day. Just moaning because it's a part of a larger annoying dynamic. Essentially we're too different (both MIL and DP) I value my independence, he values pleasing his mother.

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 07/06/2023 15:46

MIL's are odd people. Why does she have to chat to DP everyday, surely not a-lot happens on a daily basis!!

My MIL thinks our marriage is breaking up if she doesn't hear from me or sees me on a regular basis. I find it incredibly needy.

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:49

Hbh17 · 07/06/2023 15:37

I would find that very, very difficult to live with and frankly, weird. But you needed to tackle this in the early days - after 20 years, it's not going to change.
My husband used to phone his mother approx once a week, and see her 2 or 3 times a year. They had a good relationship and she understood that he had a very demanding career, so wouldn't be doing a round trip of several hours very often.

I know.. I mentioned it a few times in earlier years but it just ramps back up again because she's domineering and he's scared of upsetting her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2023 15:53

He is also seeking her approval, approval that she will likely never give him. Her approval is conditional but he needs to realise that as an adult now, he does not need her approval.

His inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. She was likely not a good parent to him when he was growing up (she's made him scared of upsetting her) and this now from him is the result. Does he also say things like, "well you know what she is like?" etc with regards to her too?. Has he also said things like, "don't rock the boat".

Doppe · 07/06/2023 15:57

My husband and his (long time widowed) mother were like this. She would ring him everyday and just tell him about her (invariably dull) day, even going so far as to reel off what she'd bought at the supermarket. It used to drive me crackers and I really began to resent it/ her. He would say there's no point ignoring her - she'll just ring back (which was true enough) but looking back I think I was jealous really- he knew I didn't like it, but pleasing her by answering came before pleasing me by ignoring it. I guess I didn't like 'sharing' him and I strongly suspect he moaned about me to her on occasion and she would have encouraged that! There were 3 other siblings and she was suffocatingly close to one of her daughters too, the other two in contrast moved far away and rarely saw her. We both lost out in the end though - he died at a relatively young age and I really wouldn't recommend that as a solution! So no advice OP- sorry, just know you're not the only one!

ThatFraggle · 07/06/2023 16:06

This is the sort of thing you screen for when dating.

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 16:37

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2023 15:53

He is also seeking her approval, approval that she will likely never give him. Her approval is conditional but he needs to realise that as an adult now, he does not need her approval.

His inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you. She was likely not a good parent to him when he was growing up (she's made him scared of upsetting her) and this now from him is the result. Does he also say things like, "well you know what she is like?" etc with regards to her too?. Has he also said things like, "don't rock the boat".

Only very occassionally does he say something that sounds resentful but yes along the lines of knowing what she's like and her not understanding the need to leave alone like on holiday etc. He's v. defensive of her, not that he needs to be because I don't moan about it but because it's so obvious that her bheaviour is domineering.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 16:39

ThatFraggle · 07/06/2023 16:06

This is the sort of thing you screen for when dating.

Yes, naive youth. Though also think it wasn't as bad when dating, it got worse since she retired and got older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 16:42

Doppe · 07/06/2023 15:57

My husband and his (long time widowed) mother were like this. She would ring him everyday and just tell him about her (invariably dull) day, even going so far as to reel off what she'd bought at the supermarket. It used to drive me crackers and I really began to resent it/ her. He would say there's no point ignoring her - she'll just ring back (which was true enough) but looking back I think I was jealous really- he knew I didn't like it, but pleasing her by answering came before pleasing me by ignoring it. I guess I didn't like 'sharing' him and I strongly suspect he moaned about me to her on occasion and she would have encouraged that! There were 3 other siblings and she was suffocatingly close to one of her daughters too, the other two in contrast moved far away and rarely saw her. We both lost out in the end though - he died at a relatively young age and I really wouldn't recommend that as a solution! So no advice OP- sorry, just know you're not the only one!

Thanks and I'm really sorry for your bereavement.
I don't mind sharing him as such, and I totally recognise everyone needs their family. It's just the intensity and level of involvement and influence/control she has over him.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 07/06/2023 16:44

I don't really see the issue and would just leave them to it provided that he isn't discussing intimate details of your lives together with her.

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 16:47

OhComeOnFFS · 07/06/2023 15:37

But why should she try to prevent the call? It sounds as though he's happy to talk to her.

Show quote history

In the evening. He's not fully happy about it but like I say, he's scared of upsetting her so goes along with it. It's that slightly narc thing of 'whats the harm of this small thing, why would you object?'

OP posts:
Kangarude · 07/06/2023 16:50

I don't do this with my DS, but he messages me nearly everyday about rubbish Hmm.
I can't see why your DP having a daily phone call is such a problem if it doesn't bother him.

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