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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL calling

54 replies

Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:21

How often does your MIL call?
DP (of 20 yrs) mother is on the phone every night. I don't get involved personally as don't like the intrusion and needy/possessive/controlling aspects of her behaviour, but as soon as she rings he jumps up and practically runs into other rooms. Always has. I've mentioned it in the past and he's stopped it for a time but always reverts to this. And I'm not really into dictating or controlling others' behaviour. She's like a third person in the relationship (or more like first or second, me being the third!) So over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 16:54

Topseyt123 · 07/06/2023 16:44

I don't really see the issue and would just leave them to it provided that he isn't discussing intimate details of your lives together with her.

Not intimate as such. I would hope! But everything else. Who knows really. I do just let them get on with it as don't see point in telling others how to behave.. just felt the need to vent.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 07/06/2023 18:28

i have 2 friends who speak to their mums multiple times a day. I personally speak to mine every 2wks, and text inbetween if anything to say

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 18:47

Oh, I can relate.

When he lived at home, she'd come into the room when we were on the phone every time without fail. Just why?

We even had a time he jumped up when we were in bed to answer his mum. Ffs.

Solidarity OP.

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 18:50

In the evening. He's not fully happy about it but like I say, he's scared of upsetting her so goes along with it.

It's ok to draw boundaries. If I don't feel like answering, don't and leave it til later. He can say he's busy, no feelings hurt.

Is he resentful too?

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 07/06/2023 19:49

I can see why this would be really irritating at times. You might want to relax and watch something on TV or chat etc of an evening yet her phone call interrupts it. I don't think daily evening calls with his Mum are necessary. He's an adult and doesn't need that contact everyday, can he maybe speak to her on his lunch break at work so at least it's not interrupting your evening? It seems like the apron strings weren't cut and after over 20 years it's very unlikely to happen now. Do you think he sees his Mum as being (evening slightly) overbearing but doesnt want to say it to you?

gotmychristmasmiracle · 07/06/2023 20:16

My OH is like this, it's so controlling and he can't see it. It's getting worse the older she gets 🙄. Really struggling with it myself so following for some advice.

SauceForTheGoose · 07/06/2023 20:22

My mil has become increasingly demanding and needy of DH. I think she has the onset of dementia and is leaning on him to sooth her loneliness and anxiety. She is very jealous of me and can be competitive at times, that can be sad and annoying.

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 20:56

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 07/06/2023 19:49

I can see why this would be really irritating at times. You might want to relax and watch something on TV or chat etc of an evening yet her phone call interrupts it. I don't think daily evening calls with his Mum are necessary. He's an adult and doesn't need that contact everyday, can he maybe speak to her on his lunch break at work so at least it's not interrupting your evening? It seems like the apron strings weren't cut and after over 20 years it's very unlikely to happen now. Do you think he sees his Mum as being (evening slightly) overbearing but doesnt want to say it to you?

Oh yes, that's happened before - he has in the past paused a film to go and talk to her (having spoken to her the previous night ) and I'd be sat there like a lemon🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 20:57

gotmychristmasmiracle · 07/06/2023 20:16

My OH is like this, it's so controlling and he can't see it. It's getting worse the older she gets 🙄. Really struggling with it myself so following for some advice.

How many years? RUN - SAVE YOURSELF!! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 21:00

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 18:50

In the evening. He's not fully happy about it but like I say, he's scared of upsetting her so goes along with it.

It's ok to draw boundaries. If I don't feel like answering, don't and leave it til later. He can say he's busy, no feelings hurt.

Is he resentful too?

He clearly is but wouldn't honestly admit to that. The expectation/control has affected his whole life.

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 07/06/2023 21:44

@Mmhmmn too late for me 11 years and we have a child together. She actually said too me a couple of years not to leave her son, no idea why she said it, it was and is always really weird with her!

TreeLine23 · 07/06/2023 21:55

My MIL rings quite frequently too, on top of seeing my H most days as well.
Talk about enmeshed! 🙄

Last time she called the landline and I answered, I pretended I didn't know who it was calling! 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
Mmhmmn · 08/06/2023 01:52

TreeLine23 · 07/06/2023 21:55

My MIL rings quite frequently too, on top of seeing my H most days as well.
Talk about enmeshed! 🙄

Last time she called the landline and I answered, I pretended I didn't know who it was calling! 🤣🤣🤣

😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Mmhmmn · 08/06/2023 01:53

gotmychristmasmiracle · 07/06/2023 21:44

@Mmhmmn too late for me 11 years and we have a child together. She actually said too me a couple of years not to leave her son, no idea why she said it, it was and is always really weird with her!

Weird thing to say

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 08/06/2023 02:48

Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 15:21

How often does your MIL call?
DP (of 20 yrs) mother is on the phone every night. I don't get involved personally as don't like the intrusion and needy/possessive/controlling aspects of her behaviour, but as soon as she rings he jumps up and practically runs into other rooms. Always has. I've mentioned it in the past and he's stopped it for a time but always reverts to this. And I'm not really into dictating or controlling others' behaviour. She's like a third person in the relationship (or more like first or second, me being the third!) So over it.

How often do you speak to your own mother and what is the average duration of the call?

weirdas · 08/06/2023 04:06

As long as it wasn't interfering with home life Ie if you had young kids and it was taking him away from parenting. And I wasn't expected to talk every time. I'd leave him to it.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/06/2023 05:35

Good Lord, lots of projecting and armchair psychology on this thread.

I bet if the OP started a thread saying that she chatted to her mum on the phone each night as they were close but her DH was complaining and had a face on, posters would be saying LTB.

I honestly don't see a problem. I'm not a phone talker so didn't call my parents that often nor will I expect my kids to phone me every day when they eventually move out but there's nothing wrong with him having a chat with his mum every day and I think it's nice that he is close to her.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 08/06/2023 06:40

Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 20:56

Oh yes, that's happened before - he has in the past paused a film to go and talk to her (having spoken to her the previous night ) and I'd be sat there like a lemon🙄

Show quote history

This would seriously piss me off, he needs to set boundaries. You have a DH problem as well as a MIL problem. Why do men do this? So annoying.

GP75 · 08/06/2023 06:43

quietnightmare · 07/06/2023 15:33

Ewwww that is off putting she needs to cut the cord or better yet your husband need to cut it himself.

My MIL calls 3 times a week, but calls me not my husband as we get on great and if she called my husband she would be calling just to ask him to pass the phone to me 😂

That's sad, it would be better if she had a good relationship with her son rather than his wife 🤷‍♀️

AngelAurora · 08/06/2023 06:45

It's his mother, she ain't competition, stop sounding so jealous.

WillyLows · 08/06/2023 06:57

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/06/2023 05:35

Good Lord, lots of projecting and armchair psychology on this thread.

I bet if the OP started a thread saying that she chatted to her mum on the phone each night as they were close but her DH was complaining and had a face on, posters would be saying LTB.

I honestly don't see a problem. I'm not a phone talker so didn't call my parents that often nor will I expect my kids to phone me every day when they eventually move out but there's nothing wrong with him having a chat with his mum every day and I think it's nice that he is close to her.

Agree wholeheartedly.

DressDilemma · 08/06/2023 07:10

Feel sad for the MIL. Why is this such a problem for you OP? My DH talks to his mum and dad for 5-10 minutes everyday. He checks in on them and they generally talk about how their day has been. On most days, DC and I also join in for a minute and say hello. It keeps us all connected. I really don't see a problem. Do you see your MIL as competition?

IncognitoMam · 08/06/2023 07:21

My dh calls his elderly DM daily. It's rare she rings. I encourage it. But she is a lovely Mil not controlling (much) He doesn't run out of the room to call though.

DressDilemma · 08/06/2023 07:37

Maybe he walks out of the room because he feels OP does not approve. If my DH started interfering and becoming resentful when I call my family, I would find it controlling and unacceptable.

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 08:48

Mmhmmn · 07/06/2023 20:56

Oh yes, that's happened before - he has in the past paused a film to go and talk to her (having spoken to her the previous night ) and I'd be sat there like a lemon🙄

Show quote history

Why would you tolerate sitting there like a lemon?

So rude and disrespectful of you.

Your boundaries aren't great either that you tolerate such rudeness.

He sounds most unattractive.

I do not get the appeal of men that are scared of their mothers🤢.

Really Icky.