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Original poster

Inlaw's didn't come to wedding

59 replies

Inlaws · 07/06/2023 15:18

We are just married and something is really bothering me. We had a small family wedding with close family - parents/brothers/sisters and children. Everyone was asked and I was texting all sister in law's in the weeks prior to the wedding, giving them directions, where to park etc. None of them or their children came to the actual wedding ceremony just the reception. None of them told me they weren't coming with the exception of one. We only found out the evening before they weren't coming as my DH asked them directly, which meant the evening before we got married I spent crying My MIL told me one couldn't come because she was getting her hair done! The other told my DH she didn't know she was supposed to go to the ceremony. AIBU to be annoyed at this? It's really upset me. I don't understand why they wouldn't come, I don't know them particularly well but thought I got on Okay with them, and they have known DH for a very long time. It makes me feel like I am unwelcome and they didn't want to celebrate our wedding.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 07/06/2023 15:33

That seems really odd - you have three SILs, and of the three, one RSVPed no to the ceremony, one said she didn't know she was invited and the last was getting her hair done?

Are they your DH's sisters?

Weal · 07/06/2023 15:36

Huh? Is this your husbands sisters?

it is odd if there is no back story of bad blood. Was the invitation explicit in inviting them to the ceremony?

Normandy144 · 07/06/2023 15:41

Did everyone receive a formal paper invitation or was it more casual over text etc? How much notice did you give everyone? Is it possible that they weren't sure if they were invited?

CindersAgain · 07/06/2023 15:43

Must be husband’s brothers’ wives as OP says they’ve known DH a long time?

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 07/06/2023 15:48

We uninvited mil. Fil came alone. Was a great day.
Maybe try and see the positives op. Looks like the effort you need to put into family relations is what they have for your big day.
Diddly squat...
Embrace the freedom ime.

80s · 07/06/2023 16:10

Everyone was asked and I was texting all sister in law's in the weeks prior to the wedding, giving them directions, where to park etc.
Did you specifically invite your SILs and children to the ceremony? Did the emails definitely reach them? Seems odd if they came to the reception but not the ceremony, and didn't say "sorry, can't come". Is there any way your invites could have been misunderstood as being only for the blood relations?

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 07/06/2023 16:13

Could it be a culture thing? I got really confused at a wedding we attended, not in the UK, where we were thanked profusely for attending the wedding at the church. There were way more people at the cocktail, sit down meal and dance.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 16:47

We had an informal wedding so everyone was initially asked in person by my DH and then I text them also to make sure that they had all the details, as I know men sometimes don't pass on everything necessary. I had text them the ceremony details and reception details along with times for each and where to park. One actually specifically asked could everyone come to the ceremony and I said yes but she didn't tell us she wasn't coming until DH asked his brother the day before the wedding. These are all DH SILs and nephews/nieces.

Everyone from my side of the family came except for a couple of grown up nephews that couldn't get off work. It makes me sad for DH that he has very little family in the photos.

We gave them about 3 months notice and it wasn't that they couldn't get off work.

There is genuinely no back story. I have been to christenings, confirmations and birthdays for their kids and always go and I thought I was getting on well with them.

We are different religion but culturally it is the same for weddings. The normal would be to go to both the ceremony and reception. When DHs brothers got married they all went.

The one SIL who couldn't go to the ceremony had a valid reason and she let me know a couple of days before but her husband (DH brother) and kids didn't come which I can't understand either.

I think maybe they don't like me. I make an effort to talk to them although I am a bit shy. But I am always friendly and generally I get on with people.

OP posts:
Weal · 07/06/2023 18:24

Why would you leap to them not liking you if this is the only one thing that has happened with no back story? I mean yea it’s annoying and you’d have hoped they would communicate their non attendance better…but it maybe that they all have other reasons for not coming (eg DH brother was nervous about coming with the kids and them being noisey)

Yes it’s upsetting but I wouldn’t make it in to something bigger or assume it is something personal to you.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 18:39

I guess I am thinking that as I can't understand why else they wouldn't go. DH's brother was the best man and his wife was too busy getting her hair done to come to our wedding. We have attended all other family events and went to the church for the christenings etc, and the rest of the family went to all of these.

If my brother or sister was getting married I would definitely be there. We come both come from close family's, it doesn't make sense to me that they wouldn't come to one of the most important life events for my DH.

I think it hurts most that they didn't even tell us they weren't coming until MIL mentioned the hair appointment and the other SIL said she didn't know she want meant to go, when she had clearly asked me.

OP posts:
Titmumma · 07/06/2023 18:44

You need to read up on the "let them trend"

They want to be dickhead in laws? Let them. They've shown their true colours and they have confirmed what you and your DH mean to them.

People reap what they sow so hopefully it'll be the sisters caring for them in old age since they clearly don't care about you - so you don't need to care about them.

Congratulations on your marriage OP! 😊

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 07/06/2023 18:52

Are you Catholic and he is not? They might have been confused because they can't take communion. There is also still quite a lot of underlying prejudice. Very strange that they didn't clarify though.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 18:52

Thank you ☺️ i will read up on that aswell. I think that's what it is, it shows they don't care about us. I am too soft for my own good and would hate not going to a birthday etc if we are invited, but I suppose they didn't care about not coming to our wedding so why should I?

I wasn't sure if I was being too sensitive

OP posts:
HecticHedgehog · 07/06/2023 18:52

did his siblings come? I'm confused as to why you're referring to sils if theyre his siblings wives and not his actual sisters.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 18:55

@unexpecteddrivinginstructor, not exactly but it is similar to that. It was a civil ceremony but I have went to the their church several times. I didn't think the difference in religion bothered them. Maybe they thought because it wasn't in a church it wasn't a real wedding or not important

OP posts:
Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 18:57

@HecticHedgehog maybe I have got the acronyms wrong. They are his SILs, 1 brother didn't come but the others did

OP posts:
caringcarer · 07/06/2023 19:01

Maybe it was because they didn't get a formal invitation to attend. Most people send out save the date cards about 6 months before, then formal invitation about 8 weeks before the wedding date with RSVP on it. Often with a menu unclosed.

catsnhats11 · 07/06/2023 19:06

Tbb I'd expect a formal invitation, clarifying an invite to ceremony and or evening do etc
Perhaps they weren't sure if they were actually invited if it was all done by text or word mouth.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 19:07

For personal reasons we had the wedding at short notice, and we spoke to them all and also checked for allergies for food, as the menu was order on the day. They all came to the receiption for drinks and food but didn't come to the ceremony itself. And I know they weren't working.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 07/06/2023 19:09

In some places the civil ceremony is a formality which is done only by the bride and groom and a few witnesses, then the 'real' wedding is the reception afterwards. Definitely the case where I grew up, I certainly wouldn't expect to see anyone other than the very direct family (ie brothers, not the brothers' families) in the civil ceremony, everyone else would just go to the wedding.

The wedding may or may not include a ceremony (religious or not). This ceremony would be totally independent of the civil ceremony, and in fact would have no legal validity, it's just so that 'everyone else' can see the couple get married.

I hope that makes some sense. Basically, it is due to most people being religious but there being an official separation between church and state which means that the religious ceremony has no legal validity. So people do the legal stuff in a low key way, then make a fuss about the religious ceremony. Which means the civil ceremony is just regarded as some paperwork you get done before the actual wedding rather than the wedding itself.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 19:14

@CatherinedeBourgh thanks for your reply. That isn't the case where we live, a civil ceremony is quite common especially were there are two different religions. The civil ceremony was the actual wedding, and the only ceremony, nothing else at reception except food and drinks which is the norm here. I did make it really clear to them the civil ceremony was for all family.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 07/06/2023 19:17

catsnhats11 · 07/06/2023 19:06

Tbb I'd expect a formal invitation, clarifying an invite to ceremony and or evening do etc
Perhaps they weren't sure if they were actually invited if it was all done by text or word mouth.

Me too. You can get them printed quickly or even print them yourself, or else buy cards and fill in the details by hand.

Informal chats and texts seem a bit tacky to me, as if you didn't care that much about the whole thing. Consequently, their response was informal, casual - and unsure.

Next time you get married, do the etiquette correctly! It costs little and doesn't take long.

Original poster
Inlaws · 07/06/2023 19:24

@LBFseLBFseBrom sorry I am not a snob and lack of a formal invite would not deter me from attending a loved ones wedding. Each to their own I guess. I don't plan on getting married again, thanks for the tip though 😉

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 07/06/2023 21:21

You don't have to apologise, inlaws. As you say, each to their own. It's interesting to hear/read different views.

HeddaGarbled · 07/06/2023 21:41

I think there’s been a failure of communication. Normally, you’d send written invitations to a wedding, but it looks like your invitations were issued verbally by your husband followed up by texts about parking etc from you.

The fact that someone had to ask you whether they were invited to the ceremony or just the reception does suggest that it wasn’t clear.