Inlaw's didn't come to wedding

[Inlaws]

We are just married and something is really bothering me. We had a small family wedding with close family - parents/brothers/sisters and children. Everyone was asked and I was texting all sister in law's in the weeks prior to the wedding, giving them directions, where to park etc. None of them or their children came to the actual wedding ceremony just the reception. None of them told me they weren't coming with the exception of one. We only found out the evening before they weren't coming as my DH asked them directly, which meant the evening before we got married I spent crying My MIL told me one couldn't come because she was getting her hair done! The other told my DH she didn't know she was supposed to go to the ceremony. AIBU to be annoyed at this? It's really upset me. I don't understand why they wouldn't come, I don't know them particularly well but thought I got on Okay with them, and they have known DH for a very long time. It makes me feel like I am unwelcome and they didn't want to celebrate our wedding.

Thanks for the replies. The invitation was very clear. Followed by message with date, time, venue, how to get there, where to park, timings for hotel. Certainly more information than a standard invite. And each were clearly told verbally and by text that the invitation was for the whole family. The fact they managed to appear for the meal but not the ceremony would confirm this to me as all information conveyed in the same way. I think it was an excuse that she didn't know as she asked me and I said yes all please come to the ceremony. I don't think communication is the issue but thanks for your suggestions.

I know things are different now but a good few years ago some people were invited to the church and reception ( usually with sit down meal) and them more people to the evening party. Maybe they thought they were just invited to the evening do?

I’d ask them about it directly.

@bbossybloss we didn't have an evening reception they did definitely know they were invited to the ceremony. My family were told in the same way and they all managed to come to the full day

Hmm if they came to the reception then they didn’t snub your whole wedding then. Perhaps they really didn’t think they were invited to it all?
Anyway, you’ve the perfect excuse to dip out of things they organise that you don’t fancy.. “I didn’t think I was invited!”

If they came to the reception, that suggests to me that they like you well enough. The one who was getting her hair done was presumably getting it done for your reception so she was taking it quite seriously.

@TeaStory I don't want to cause any drama. It has made me feel I don't want to be involved with anything on that side of the family now, and that isn't fair on DH. I am sure I will get over it.

My DH asked one SIL who was the one that said she didn't know she was supposed to go to the wedding even though she had asked me and I said yes we would like them all to come to the ceremony. My DH asked her when you are asked to a wedding what do you normally do and she couldn't answer.

@Honeyroar I really don't think that is it, just an excuse they are using. That is true I can use that excuse if I feel like I don't want to go lol

You should have sent invitations. Texting them was extremely casual, boarding on rude, actually. If I were them and I got a text message as a wedding invite, I would feel as though they really didn't give a shit if I were there or not.

@Dery or they were coming for the free food and drink and to socialise with other family members, but that's just me being sceptical. I didn't notice anything different with her hair so I think it was just her usual colour which she could have changed to another day.

That’s even more bizarre- his brother was best man and his wife didn’t go for a trivial reason like getting her hair done?!
From what you’ve said it sounds like it was perfectly clear that they were invited, even if there were no formal invitation cards. They were just rude.

You couldn't be arsed to do formal invites, they clearly didn't know full details as they asked and it was last minute job. I think your partly to blame. I don't know why you have such issues with your dh sils. His brothers came what's the issue?

@Aquamarine1029 I don't think it is rude spending time to visit each person individually to ask them to come to our wedding, it's taking more time than to send an invite. I personally wouldn't be offended not to receive a piece of card in the post for a small family wedding. I believe the time spent with eachother celebrating our marriage is what's important not all the extra bits at a wedding. But as I said before if my brother or sister were getting married I would want to be there, we are family at the end of the day and formalities can be waived for family. And if people were offended I would expect them not to come at all instead of missing the actual important part of the day - the marriage.

@FictionalCharacter thank you someone that can see what the actual issue is instead of focusing on how the invite was delivered

@PrimalOwl10 as I said we had personal reasons why our wedding was planned at such short notice. I'm glad my family aren't so shallow and managed to attend even though I invited them in the same way

DH asked one SIL who was the one that said she didn't know she was supposed to go to the wedding even though she had asked me and I said yes we would like them all to come to the ceremony. My DH asked her when you are asked to a wedding what do you normally do and she couldn't answer.
There you go. Sounds like they were really only interested in the reception, and they’re making excuses, pretending the invitation wasn’t clear.

@PrimalOwl10 - yes exactly, his brothers came, so the instructions must have been perfectly clear. If you had any doubts over whether your wife was invited as well as you (and it would be odd if she wasn’t), you would surely ask. “My wife is invited too, right bro?”

You aren't taking on board the the traditional and cultural way we do weddings in this country is to send a card with the invitation clearly written out for specific people and with specific instructions. If you choose not to do this then you confuse people. If I got a text invitation to a wedding I'd assume I was only asked as a casual thing to make up the numbers as someone else who has got a proper invitation couldn't come. I'd take it as come if you like and perhaps your dhs family are miffed as they think this is what you have done.
That's certainly how I would read it if I was invited to a wedding this way. It just inane done.

Awful behaviour and definitely not normal.

This really gives you an out.

No need to say anything, but you absolutely have zero need to put yourself out for them again.

No need to invite or entertain them.
Attend gatherings only if you wish to.

Clealy most of them feel basic manners are unnecessary in their interactions with you, so you need to find your backbone and suit yourself.

Tell your husband that you too will suit yourself.

If they are like this, then you may be saving yourself a lot of wasted effort going forward.

Mirroring is very effective IMO.

Reflect the effort they make with you right back at them.

I have found this to be very helpful in my life.

Congratulations on your marriage.

Try not to allow it to upset you, it is what it is and cannot be changed.

If my dh asked me to come to a wedding I thought I wasn't officially invited to I'd say no, it's not the done thing!

I think a lot of MN are hung on tradition and manners. What is the done thing etc. So you will get a million and one posters complaining about how the invites were sent.

But the fact that they couldn't be arsed to go to the ceremony but all turned up for the free food and party sounds like the invites wasn't an issue. It sounds like they didn't think the marriage was real/important.

I'd be quietly withdrawing TBH. Be having your own hair done a lot more often.

It's your DH's family, it's for him to be annoyed if they didn't turn up to the ceremony. Your duty to your DH's side of the family is to be polite and not to cause drama and your role as his wife is to support your DH. These people aren't your friends. Be privately offended but beyond that you need to drop this and move on and be thankful of your own family.

Thank you all for your replies and views.

I will address the invites one last time. Where I live this tradition really isn't an issue, and I know that is not the reason they didn't come. Everyone was personally asked in person and I text the details after so that there was no confusion. It was a very small intimate wedding and everyone knew this and knew we had our reasons for planning at short notice. Everyone knew we wanted them to join us on our wedding day for the whole day. The most important part of our day was our marriage, the celebrations after were just that.

Thank you for the advice. My DH completely understands how I feel and is also annoyed they didn't come, and more so for not even telling us.

I am going to take a step back and not feel bad about it. I don't want to cause any friction between my DH and family but I will also do what suits us as a unit now and not worry about offending anyone.

I think they just couldn't be bothered and went for the food,drinks and socialising after and not for your Wedding.

Is this your dhs first wedding? Sorry I ask, but I know some who have had a few marriages and their guest numbers dwindled after each one.

@LadyGaGasPokerFace yes first marriage