Handhold - guy I've been seeing has met someone else. Need to vent!

[ineedtoventahhh]

Sorry if this is long but god I need to get this off my chest!

Been seeing someone casually for the last 3-4 months. I’ve actually known him for 8 years through friends, but never fancied him before now. We’ve gone to the same gym for the last few years but it’s never been more than a ‘Hi, how are you?’ and the odd chat about work etc. However, earlier this year we started speaking more. He then started to chase me romantically and at first, I really wasn’t interested and tried to keep it platonic. But after a while, I realised I did actually like him, so we started to meet up. Went on a couple of dates and regularly met at his house. I ended up doing a total 180 from not being interested in him at all, to becoming infatuated with him!

After the very first time we slept together, I noticed that he stopped saying all of the nice things (e.g. ‘Morning beautiful’ texts and telling me how amazing/different I am). Sometimes, he would go a few days with no contact at all. This would eat me up and I would wonder if it was over, until I would see him at the gym and then it would start up again. Rinse and repeat. This has happened a good 2-3 times since we’ve been seeing each other, and left me feeling horrifically low when I didn’t hear from him.

A couple of weeks ago, he went away for a week to visit friends. We met up before he left and slept together, had a really nice evening. However, I just knew in my gut that this trip would change things. He messaged me when he landed and for the first morning he was there, and then……. Nothing for the rest of the week. I drove myself mad that week, wondering what he was up to and who with, but I didn’t contact him on principle.

When he got back to the UK, I still didn’t hear from him. Then I went to the gym as normal on Monday morning, he was there and he completely ignored me. As in TOTALLY blanked me. At one point, I was in one area doing my exercise and he actually came and stood 2 metres away from me to do his exercise and said absolutely nothing. Did not even look at me or say hi. It took all my strength to hold it together, I couldn’t believe his nerve.

All week, he has continued to ignore me. I haven’t had any messages from him, and I haven’t messaged him either. This morning, he left the gym at the same time as me. We walked outside together and I asked if we could talk. He agreed that we definitely needed to talk. Turns out he met someone whilst he was away. He only met her on his first night and then she flew home (she doesn’t live in the UK) but he wants to see what happens with her. Obviously I was absolutely crushed, even though I knew it was coming. I tried SO hard to maintain some self-respect/dignity and just thanked him for telling me. I ended up walking away from him as I knew I was going to burst into tears and just cried all the way home.

I messaged him a few hours later once I had had a chance to process it, and said I had a couple of things I wanted to say before drawing a line in the sand and moving on (I couldn’t get my words out when I spoke to him in person). He said he’s happy to discuss on the phone at some point. Although I’ve just left it there, I cant even bear to reply to him and I don’t think I will. I’ve muted him on social media so that I cant see his posts anymore. Annoyingly I will still see him at the gym but I can’t go any other time of day, nor is there another one close to me and I refuse to stop doing my hobby because of him. Rest assured I will not be speaking to him or even looking at him.

Sorry, I’m just venting as this really stings. I’m trying to think of all the negatives about him (aside from the blowing hot & cold with me) – the big one being that he is late 40’s and I am early 30’s, and one day I would really like another child. If I was with him, its unlikely this would happen and I don’t know if I want to give up that dream. He is also quite materialistic and self-obsessed in that he talks about himself & his own business A LOT. He also usually goes for the ‘insta-model’ type girls who are a lot younger than him (and me!), so if I was ever in a proper relationship with him I know I would feel hideously insecure.

The last few months have been such a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I’ve been struggling to concentrate at work and I know I need to sort it out. I need to stop letting him have this much power over me. I know I don’t love him, I know its lust, and I also know from experience that I will get over it and feel better, but fuck it hurts right now.

Please throw some words of wisdom my way as I desperately need to hear them! Just keep torturing myself of how he’s saying all the lovely things to her he once said to me, which I know is bloody irrational. Feeling so crap about myself right now, although I definitely feel better for writing this down.

He a narcissist. He nearly 50 and chases women in their 20s . He's deluded if he thinks they want him for himself . He sounds a bit of a predator, love bombing women , future faking etc . Until he gets what he wants . Lucky escape OP.

@ALittleBitConfused1 – mortifyingly, I never confronted him about it. As soon as he started contact again, I would think ‘oh thank god he still wants me’ so I didn’t bring it up for fear of rocking the boat. I realise how bloody pathetic that sounds now. I’m such a people-pleaser and I know I need to work on this.

I also now wish I had called him out when he ignored me when he was stood next to me, but I think I was trying so hard to keep my self-respect and not flip at him, that what I ended up doing was not calling him out when he really deserved it. Hindsight it a wonderful thing! I’m still absolutely flabbergasted that he even did that. I genuinely thought if he did meet someone else that he would be honest with me about it upfront.

Absolutely crying at the skid-mark of a man comment by the way. Currently sat in a café laughing to myself!

You’re right though, he acts like he’s still in his twenties. I remember being shocked when I found out his age a few years back, as he certainly doesn’t look it. Who at that age actually notices or cares who is looking at their Instagram story …. I don’t and I’m 34!

@NorthernGnashers thank you. When he hadn’t replied to my last message on his first day, I thought well there is NO WAY I am messaging him again for the entirety of his trip and I am pleased with myself for sticking with it. I also muted him for the week as I just didn’t want to see what he was up to and that made me feel better too. I expect you can guess where he went for his holiday, taking into account his like for Insta girls - I just didnt want to see it as I knew it would send me spiralling.

I’m in two minds about whether he will come crawling back – but I wont be entertaining it if he does. This thread has given me the strength to do that. I can’t let him play with my emotions like this.

Also if he calls again trying to reel you in just say "I think we're incompatible , the age difference is too great , I'm looking for someone younger with more energy . "

Silence is the key here.. Say and do nothing. You'll feel so much better in a few months and be very glad you kept your self respect. If you had words with him, what would it even achieve? He's moved on to the latest honey and when that goes t*ts up he'll be looking around for a soft landing. Don't go there. Get a decent set of earphones for the gym, play some good tunes and ignore him

I agree with this. So many women who want a committed LTR seem to become a fuck buddy in the hope that he will suddenly see how amazing she is and commit to her.

That never happens, really it doesn’t.

Start the way you mean to go on @ineedtoventahhh and demand a mutually respectful relationship from the start.

I didn't read all your post, not because it was boring, but because I could very quickly see that he's an arse and doesn't deserve you.

What a vile man.

Just give yourself some time to ride out the emotions he's played on you and then you will also see what is clear as day to everyone else: what a lucky escape you've had.

I'd guarantee that within a couple of months you'll be thinking: what was I doing?? he's so obviously a sleazy prick.

The emotion of being let down is normal just ride it out without giving him any satisfaction of knowing it means anything to you.

Best revenge: living well.

You'll always be over 10 years younger and hotter than him 😁

You could so easily have ended up as one of those women whose friends dont know how to tell her they cant stand her douche bag of a partner. Imagine the cringe of all your family seeing his hashtags and endless social media posturing. You'd be constantly trying to sell the good parts of him to convince everyone!

He was an inappropriate infatuation, it happens to the best of us, but thank heavens you're free!!

Is he bald @ineedtoventahhh ??

@KatyKopykat no he isnt bald! He actually has a fair amount of hair. Which he dyes blonde, and then styles it so that its all practically stuck up in the air [for work/going out]. That's always been something I've disliked as in my opinion it just looks bloody stupid!

We were both at the gym this morning, I stuck my headphones in and didn't even look at him. He walked past me at one point and said Hi, and I just flat out ignored him. I know he wont care but it still made me feel good!

@FortofPud I have thought this previously! They would definitely be thinking 'Wtf he absolutely loves himself' if they ever saw his constant posts of his body, working out & bigging up his company!

One thing I remembered about him - at the gym, he always leaves all of his weights on the equipment when he's finished (and he uses a lot of them!!), rather than take them off ready for the next person. I remember calling him out on it ages ago, asking why he did that & that it was inconsiderate and he was basically like 'I dont care'. A small thing in the grand scheme of things but very indicative of how he sees/treats other people!

Luckily, I am going away tomorrow with my family for a week so that will give me a good long break from seeing him. Obviously he is still muted on socials, which is the way it will stay!

I suspect you’re not the first he’s done this to and won’t be the last either.

He sounds very self absorbed and I don’t think he could have given you a lot of what it sounds like you want in an LTR anyway. For instance, I very much doubt he’d have wanted a child, given his lifestyle and age.

I know it’ll take a while to get over him, but I genuinely think you’re lucky he didn’t waste more of your time.

@ineedtoventahhhHe sounds like Johnny Bravo!

Or the guy from A Flock of Seagulls. Or Trump. Or Michael Fabricant.

Look, I'm early 50's, so much closer to his age than you are, and what screams out to me here, is that any man in his late 40's, who still hasn't got his shit together, probably isn't ever going to get his shit together.

He's fickle. He was sleeping with you, but looking to sleep with others as well. He doesn't know his own mind, and never will at this rate. Not only that, but he isn't a decent man. He didn't show you any respect. He just came back to the gym and ignored you. Behaving like a boy, not a late 40's man! Spineless.

You would be wasting your best years, and your fertility, on a man old enough to be your Dad. He has done you a massive favour, by showing you early on what a disaster he is. Men who are a disaster at 48, will still be a disaster at 58, 68, 78.....

Date men your own age. I promise you, that in the not to distant future, you will meet "the one" and you will laugh about this tosser. You will both share your "dating disaster stories" and he will be one of yours.

Change his name in your phone to The Spineless Dick Wanderer, and then imagine him doing a huge poo on the toilet.

Oh and, the best way to get over a man, is to get under another one.

And get angry - how DARE he treat you like this? Utter TOSSPOT.

Yeah it does sound very causal not actually dating with dates?

Please read your posts back to yourself and realise what a total nobber he has always been.

Of course he is happy to discuss it on the phone - he thinks he can smooth it all over with his silver words and keep you on the back burner when he feels like another shag. I knew this guy too - they are so confident that they cannot be resisted. You may think he is being kind and helpful - no it is all part of his strategy and you will see it as so eventually.

I’ve been there, many times. When I was 18/19. If he’s any older than that then he is VILE.

Never again. Try to think that you’ve had your fun with him op and now you can move on. ❤️

Omg he’s in his 40s!

If it makes you feel any better, the new lady will be the same.

I’m in two minds about whether he will come crawling back – but I wont be entertaining it if he does. This thread has given me the strength to do that. I can’t let him play with my emotions like this

Of course he will come crawling back. They always do. But it will be for some titillation, on a boring night, when he is sitting at home alone, and has probably had a few drinks, and needs someone to pay him some attention. He will text you to reel you in, with something cringy, and you could engage, but then the next day you would be ignored. He would get up the next day, go to the gym, lift weights, whilst looking at himself and his stupid Jedward hair-do in the mirror, all the while smirking to himself, and ruminating about how easy it was to reel in ineedtoventahhh, because he, "THE BIG MAN" still "has it".

Oh op, many yesrs ago i met someone like this. He chased so hard for ages telling all of our mutual friends that i was the one. He basically did exactly as you describe, right down to completely blanking me days after i had been in his bed and i was a total wreck for about 6 months after. That was more than 20 years ago now and i am also now mid 40's. He came crawling back years later still with the same old message and so very sorry. But i was wise to it. He is in his late 40's now, still chasing beautiful girls and causing pain. Never married, no children but never alone. They just want the chase and have had years to perfect the process.

You handled it really well OP, honestly!
Really kept your composure and I think just draw your own line in the sand. Talking to him further will just be upsetting, and I don’t think it sounds worth the energy!

Is it possible to change your gym? And just avoid him completely?

I want to compliment you OP. You have said everything with such conviction. You know the truth and can see through him. Just don't give in when he comes crawling back. I had a guy I had been seeing contact me 10 years after he treated me badly. I was married with 2 kids by then, I blocked and ignored.

When I was in my early 20's I was in a similar situation to you - twice! One was a mutual friend and another was a friend - about a year apart. I didn't find either of them attractive but after a lot of persistence and compliments I started seeing them. Both panned out as you describe. It really broke me.

Reflecting on it I realised a couple of things. A while before the first one I'd come out of a short term relationship which had been very intense and I'd fallen in love, but then been cheated on (the one who contacted me after 10 years). I realised the flattery was what broke me down and made me feel better about myself. At the time I needed to not feel sad and it was a sort of rebound. What annoyed me most about it was that I hadn't liked them that way in the first place!! I think there are specific types of people who are very good at getting you to change your mind. Remind yourself how you felt about him before he turned you.

He is not all that and you've had such a lucky escape. You need to work on yourself and reflect of what's happened and why it's happened. Writing it down might be beneficial for when he rears his head!!

So sorry to hear from those of you who have been in a similar situation. It feels absolutely horrible doesn’t it, a real knock to your self-esteem.

He’s definitely like Johnny Bravo!! And that hair is definite Jedward vibes :D

Yep, he's so confident he cant be resisted. He kept messaging me one day back in March when I was out with my parents & DD for the day and I thought God will you just fuck off & leave me alone! Then he kept going on about taking me out for dinner and I was like ‘No we bloody aren’t doing that’. But he kept on and bloody wore me down, and now we are where we are! If you’d told me years ago that I would fall for this man I would have laughed in your face!

No, I’m not going to speak to him to draw a line in the sand now. Theres no point and nothing more to be said really. It would likely make me feel worse and then I’d be back at square one again. I can just imagine him being exactly the same in 10, 20 years, just desperately clinging onto his youth and chasing younger girls.

Had an almost-wobble earlier [no tears or temptation to contact him dont worry!] but then I pulled myself together. Going to go for a walk in a minute with some angry songs playing in my headphones and grab an iced coffee!