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Original poster

Handhold - guy I've been seeing has met someone else. Need to vent!

106 replies

ineedtoventahhh · 07/06/2023 14:19

Sorry if this is long but god I need to get this off my chest!

Been seeing someone casually for the last 3-4 months. I’ve actually known him for 8 years through friends, but never fancied him before now. We’ve gone to the same gym for the last few years but it’s never been more than a ‘Hi, how are you?’ and the odd chat about work etc. However, earlier this year we started speaking more. He then started to chase me romantically and at first, I really wasn’t interested and tried to keep it platonic. But after a while, I realised I did actually like him, so we started to meet up. Went on a couple of dates and regularly met at his house. I ended up doing a total 180 from not being interested in him at all, to becoming infatuated with him!

After the very first time we slept together, I noticed that he stopped saying all of the nice things (e.g. ‘Morning beautiful’ texts and telling me how amazing/different I am). Sometimes, he would go a few days with no contact at all. This would eat me up and I would wonder if it was over, until I would see him at the gym and then it would start up again. Rinse and repeat. This has happened a good 2-3 times since we’ve been seeing each other, and left me feeling horrifically low when I didn’t hear from him.

A couple of weeks ago, he went away for a week to visit friends. We met up before he left and slept together, had a really nice evening. However, I just knew in my gut that this trip would change things. He messaged me when he landed and for the first morning he was there, and then……. Nothing for the rest of the week. I drove myself mad that week, wondering what he was up to and who with, but I didn’t contact him on principle.

When he got back to the UK, I still didn’t hear from him. Then I went to the gym as normal on Monday morning, he was there and he completely ignored me. As in TOTALLY blanked me. At one point, I was in one area doing my exercise and he actually came and stood 2 metres away from me to do his exercise and said absolutely nothing. Did not even look at me or say hi. It took all my strength to hold it together, I couldn’t believe his nerve.

All week, he has continued to ignore me. I haven’t had any messages from him, and I haven’t messaged him either. This morning, he left the gym at the same time as me. We walked outside together and I asked if we could talk. He agreed that we definitely needed to talk. Turns out he met someone whilst he was away. He only met her on his first night and then she flew home (she doesn’t live in the UK) but he wants to see what happens with her. Obviously I was absolutely crushed, even though I knew it was coming. I tried SO hard to maintain some self-respect/dignity and just thanked him for telling me. I ended up walking away from him as I knew I was going to burst into tears and just cried all the way home.

I messaged him a few hours later once I had had a chance to process it, and said I had a couple of things I wanted to say before drawing a line in the sand and moving on (I couldn’t get my words out when I spoke to him in person). He said he’s happy to discuss on the phone at some point. Although I’ve just left it there, I cant even bear to reply to him and I don’t think I will. I’ve muted him on social media so that I cant see his posts anymore. Annoyingly I will still see him at the gym but I can’t go any other time of day, nor is there another one close to me and I refuse to stop doing my hobby because of him. Rest assured I will not be speaking to him or even looking at him.

Sorry, I’m just venting as this really stings. I’m trying to think of all the negatives about him (aside from the blowing hot & cold with me) – the big one being that he is late 40’s and I am early 30’s, and one day I would really like another child. If I was with him, its unlikely this would happen and I don’t know if I want to give up that dream. He is also quite materialistic and self-obsessed in that he talks about himself & his own business A LOT. He also usually goes for the ‘insta-model’ type girls who are a lot younger than him (and me!), so if I was ever in a proper relationship with him I know I would feel hideously insecure.

The last few months have been such a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I’ve been struggling to concentrate at work and I know I need to sort it out. I need to stop letting him have this much power over me. I know I don’t love him, I know its lust, and I also know from experience that I will get over it and feel better, but fuck it hurts right now.

Please throw some words of wisdom my way as I desperately need to hear them! Just keep torturing myself of how he’s saying all the lovely things to her he once said to me, which I know is bloody irrational. Feeling so crap about myself right now, although I definitely feel better for writing this down.

OP posts:
Joeylove88 · 07/06/2023 20:17

Also just keep focusing on all of the things he does or says that make you cringe! Like the hashtags or the fact that he's 48 trying to act like he's in his 20's but he's actually going to be getting older and less attractive whilst you are in the prime time of your life! Go out and remind yourself that your young and hot while he's still grasping onto his youth with nothing more than cheap charm! If you want to have some fun with this see if you can take another guy with you into the gym (a friend or maybe someone you get chatting to and ask to go for a casual gym session) just so you can walk in there and casually ignore him while you workout with this guy. Another dent to the ego 😂

Izzabird · 07/06/2023 20:23

SaturdayGiraffe · 07/06/2023 16:03

I think next time you could give more value to your first response. He worked on you, perhaps he likes a challenge, and then he used intermittent rewards on you to make you ‘addicted’ to having his attention.
You have good instincts and he managed to override them. This happens to people everyday by scammers of all sorts.
Go cold turkey, if you can. At some stage he will try and reel you in again. You know better now.

Good post, @SaturdayGiraffe -- OP, this is exactly what's gone on here. He reeled you in, and then fed you occasional breadcrumbs of attention/sex, just enough to keep you on the hook, and you got addicted to the cycle of highs and lows. We've all done it, of course, but @SaturdayGiraffe is right that you (again like many of us!) overrode your good first instincts. Go back to trusting your gut. It's good that he's moved on to someone else, and once you get off the ddicted cycle of highs and lows, you will realise that. Could you avoid the gym for a few weeks, and go running instead or something?

Newtothisanddonunderstand · 07/06/2023 20:26

5128gap · 07/06/2023 19:15

Be happy you've got away from this one, and make sure you never go back.
He has manipulated you into becoming infatuated by him by a process of making you feel desired and special, and when you start to enjoy it, taking it away. Then throwing you another crumb. It's a common tactic men use when they want a women who would otherwise be out of their reach (most women your age would not be interested in a self centred unreliable rather sleazy man of his) and when the woman becomes attainable they decide to try for another.

You haven't enjoyed your time with him, you've just experienced a cycle of worry and rejection followed by relief powerful enough to fool you into thinking its happiness.
Now you're free.

This is wonderful, thank you. I’m going through similar, much thankfully much shorter term, to the op (blocked him today and still reeling).

I keep re-reading this every time I remember “nice” things he said/did.

BCBird · 07/06/2023 20:26

Know your worth. He met someone else? He must have been looking. I had something similar happen to me but we had been seeing each other exclusively for over 2 years. He was an arse too. Hold your head up high and at some point you will be relieved that you are well rid of that pointless individual. Hand hold

KatyKopykat · 07/06/2023 20:32

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 07/06/2023 16:09

Ugh he sounds like a vile arsehole, the type with a short attention span and constantly on the lookout for the next shiny thing to play with. Console yourself with the thought that he was never who you hoped he'd be and you've had a lucky escape. You deserve much better than this skid mark of a man.

I love that description!

TheCheeseTray · 07/06/2023 20:36

adriftinadenofvipers · 07/06/2023 15:46

Congratulations on your lucky escape!

Bloody man has never grown up! You are well rid x

This. He’s vile. Self obsessed etc can’t you see your worth > then his

BCBird · 07/06/2023 20:41

Skid mark of a man-love that term. When someone really annoys me, I call them a dick splash🤪

Artycrafts · 07/06/2023 20:57

He's a shallow wanker, who will always just go for looks. Can you honestly see him being faithful. So he meets a woman on the first day of his trip and he knows he wants to see her again. We'll you can just imagine what she looks like. As for just ignoring you in the gym..he's only after sex. He's had it and he is moving on to the next one. Don't be a mug when he gets the urge again. Best thing you can do is treat him exactly the same way he's treated you.

Mumof118 · 07/06/2023 21:01

“He also usually goes for the ‘insta-model’ type girls who are a lot younger than him (and me!)” 🤮

Sorry you’re feeling low, but it’s a lucky escape if you ask me. Have a mope for a few days and then ignore him.

Artycrafts · 07/06/2023 21:03

Also, think about the things he did in bed that you now realise made you go yuk. That always helps. There was a reason you didn't fancy him to start with.. remind yourself of that x

Changeforachange · 07/06/2023 21:07

After the very first time we slept together, I noticed that he stopped saying all of the nice things (e.g. ‘Morning beautiful’ texts and telling me how amazing/different I am). Sometimes, he would go a few days with no contact at all.

... So I realised his behaviour was making me feel like shit and I dumped him.

Honestly OP, I know it's easy to say but this story should have finished at paragraph 3. You deserve better.

Twiglets1 · 07/06/2023 21:07

What a twat! You didn't do anything wrong, he just showed his true colours.

Avoid, Avoid, Avoid!

Ellie450 · 07/06/2023 21:53

Oh OP, don’t make excuses for him. After he slept with you he stopped being so nice/charming. He strung you along. He pretended he might be interested in a relationship to keep the sex coming. He lied. He is garbage.

Don’t make him out to be better than he is, it will just keep your mind spinning on “what ifs.” Stay the course, don’t let him worm his way back in. And if this has happened before, then the next time you meet a guy you’re interested in hold off on the sex for a bit. It will help you keep from getting too attached too quickly and allow you to evaluate the situation a bit. If he’s decent, he won’t mind. If he does mind, you have your answer. 💐

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/06/2023 22:06

@ineedtoventahhh It sounds like he just likes the thrill of the chase then moves on. He also sounds like a complete tosser and definitely not worth your time. The way he acted shows his true shitty character and I think he has done you a massive favour in the long run.

NorthernGnashers · 07/06/2023 22:23

OP, first of all well done you for not contacting this rotter when he was away, this shows tremendous self discipline when you are keen on him. He sounds like a real player, and you will not be the only one he has played games with emotionally. The good news is, you sound like a realist and are under no illusions about him, and I think you have dodged a bullet. Regarding his ignorant behaviour, is there a male friend you could ask to meet you outside the gym, so he can see you walk away with, and give him a taste of his own medicine?
I feel for you in your disappointment, especially as you have known him for some years, he is a complete let down romantically, and you can do better.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/06/2023 01:08

Ugh he sounds like a vile arsehole, the type with a short attention span and constantly on the lookout for the next shiny thing to play with

100% this

someone so self obsessed, self serving & spineless is in no way, shape or form relationship material.

Imagine being married to that and now count your lucky stars that you’re not!

Mmhmmn · 08/06/2023 01:26

ineedtoventahhh · 07/06/2023 14:19

Sorry if this is long but god I need to get this off my chest!

Been seeing someone casually for the last 3-4 months. I’ve actually known him for 8 years through friends, but never fancied him before now. We’ve gone to the same gym for the last few years but it’s never been more than a ‘Hi, how are you?’ and the odd chat about work etc. However, earlier this year we started speaking more. He then started to chase me romantically and at first, I really wasn’t interested and tried to keep it platonic. But after a while, I realised I did actually like him, so we started to meet up. Went on a couple of dates and regularly met at his house. I ended up doing a total 180 from not being interested in him at all, to becoming infatuated with him!

After the very first time we slept together, I noticed that he stopped saying all of the nice things (e.g. ‘Morning beautiful’ texts and telling me how amazing/different I am). Sometimes, he would go a few days with no contact at all. This would eat me up and I would wonder if it was over, until I would see him at the gym and then it would start up again. Rinse and repeat. This has happened a good 2-3 times since we’ve been seeing each other, and left me feeling horrifically low when I didn’t hear from him.

A couple of weeks ago, he went away for a week to visit friends. We met up before he left and slept together, had a really nice evening. However, I just knew in my gut that this trip would change things. He messaged me when he landed and for the first morning he was there, and then……. Nothing for the rest of the week. I drove myself mad that week, wondering what he was up to and who with, but I didn’t contact him on principle.

When he got back to the UK, I still didn’t hear from him. Then I went to the gym as normal on Monday morning, he was there and he completely ignored me. As in TOTALLY blanked me. At one point, I was in one area doing my exercise and he actually came and stood 2 metres away from me to do his exercise and said absolutely nothing. Did not even look at me or say hi. It took all my strength to hold it together, I couldn’t believe his nerve.

All week, he has continued to ignore me. I haven’t had any messages from him, and I haven’t messaged him either. This morning, he left the gym at the same time as me. We walked outside together and I asked if we could talk. He agreed that we definitely needed to talk. Turns out he met someone whilst he was away. He only met her on his first night and then she flew home (she doesn’t live in the UK) but he wants to see what happens with her. Obviously I was absolutely crushed, even though I knew it was coming. I tried SO hard to maintain some self-respect/dignity and just thanked him for telling me. I ended up walking away from him as I knew I was going to burst into tears and just cried all the way home.

I messaged him a few hours later once I had had a chance to process it, and said I had a couple of things I wanted to say before drawing a line in the sand and moving on (I couldn’t get my words out when I spoke to him in person). He said he’s happy to discuss on the phone at some point. Although I’ve just left it there, I cant even bear to reply to him and I don’t think I will. I’ve muted him on social media so that I cant see his posts anymore. Annoyingly I will still see him at the gym but I can’t go any other time of day, nor is there another one close to me and I refuse to stop doing my hobby because of him. Rest assured I will not be speaking to him or even looking at him.

Sorry, I’m just venting as this really stings. I’m trying to think of all the negatives about him (aside from the blowing hot & cold with me) – the big one being that he is late 40’s and I am early 30’s, and one day I would really like another child. If I was with him, its unlikely this would happen and I don’t know if I want to give up that dream. He is also quite materialistic and self-obsessed in that he talks about himself & his own business A LOT. He also usually goes for the ‘insta-model’ type girls who are a lot younger than him (and me!), so if I was ever in a proper relationship with him I know I would feel hideously insecure.

The last few months have been such a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I’ve been struggling to concentrate at work and I know I need to sort it out. I need to stop letting him have this much power over me. I know I don’t love him, I know its lust, and I also know from experience that I will get over it and feel better, but fuck it hurts right now.

Please throw some words of wisdom my way as I desperately need to hear them! Just keep torturing myself of how he’s saying all the lovely things to her he once said to me, which I know is bloody irrational. Feeling so crap about myself right now, although I definitely feel better for writing this down.

Two words: toxic. narcissist.

You do not want to be trying to have a sensible relationship with this guy. It would be impossible.

123Squirrel · 08/06/2023 03:49

If he finds it easier to try ghost you in person than face having an adult conversation, fuck can you imagine how much hard work he'd be in a relationship. No wonder he's hitting 50 and never settled.

The woman abroad/ long distance romance ( 😂he can't even maintain a local one) could easily be a figment of imagination just to break it off with you so don't torture yourself thinking she was better in some way and if she is real you have to feel sorry for her as likely using her for holiday base while seeing other women.

As your initial impressions of him was a big ego wanker, imagine having other people think that about your partner and eventually after you'd heard the same stories a few too many times would be sat cringing and embarrassed by him.

Sunshine0x · 08/06/2023 03:55

He's a piece of shit and was just in it for sex and ego boost. Block him on everything then maybe move gym fuck him he's vile.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/06/2023 05:41

Your only error was not telling him to fuck himself when he stood next to you at the gym and ignored you.

The man is of poor character and you wouldn't want to risk passing on poor character traits to your next DC.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 08/06/2023 06:34

Ive skimmed through the thread and I'm not sure I agree with alot of the comments.
This does sound like a fwb situation to me. What I dont understand is if he ignored your messages etc after sex why did you keep going back to having sex once you bumped into him again, well at least without questioning why he had not responded to your contact attempts. If you did question him about ignoring your contact attempts what was his response?

Aubree17 · 08/06/2023 06:52

The relationship wasn't right.

No relationship that leaves you feeling how you did is right.

Please be strong and move on. There is someone out there who won't leave you guessing and is right for you.

Lampan · 08/06/2023 07:05

  1. he sounds AWFUL

  2. beware the ‘morning beautiful’ messages. They are sent by men who lack imagination and think that this is what woman want to hear

  3. even if you discussed moving a relationship forward, he clearly wasn’t actually thinking this way. Days of not contacting you prove this. He saw it as a fwb situation and didn’t think he owed you anything, as demonstrated by his finding someone else and blanking you (pathetic spineless behaviour)

  4. he’s deluded if he thinks a one night thing with someone who lives in a different country is viable

  5. I completely agree with PP who says he’ll pop up again once it hasn’t worked out with the other woman. Don’t put yourself through this fuckery again, breezily tell him you’ve moved on and don’t elaborate

CreationNat1on · 08/06/2023 09:11

He suffers from BBD syndrome.

He is always on the lookout for the Bigger Better Deal.

He ll never value any woman and never settle on anyone long enough to make it meaningful. Fill your diary up with lots of other distractions and cut him off.

Whataretheodds · 08/06/2023 09:21

Totally agree you dodged a bullet

And don't have any more conversations with him about this - it's just a further drain on your energy and attention.

Please spend the next few weeks falling in love with your life - look after yourself, spend time with people who appreciate you, do stuff you love.

Please also work on your self-esteem and consider your expectation of a normal/healthy relationship because what that was wasn't it.

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