Feelings for employee, I think it is mutual

[JulieD123]

Hello everyone, long-time poster but I have NCed for this as I am afraid it might be identifying if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am in a real conundrum at work and I desperately need advice!

I am a middle manager at a large corporation where I manage around 15 people. I am in my mid-30s and single. Two years ago I hired a man to be my right hand and we have been working really closely every day since then. He is also mid-30s.

In the last 6 months, he has really stepped up in his role and we have slowly started working more as work partners rather than manager-employee. We essentially jointly manage our team. As a result, I feel like the dynamic between us has been changing and I am concerned that we are both developing strong feelings for each other. I think he has always had a soft spot for me, but he is a very professional person and has always kept that in check. Now I am feeling more and more attraction toward him (and I feel the same energy coming from him) and I don't know how to handle the situation professionally and ethically. We are both professional people and no lines have been crossed, but the energy is there and I can tell it is getting stronger.

He has been dating someone for under a year, they were supposed to move in together a few months ago but he changed his mind last minute and had a freak out because he wasn't sure about his feelings about her. They decided to give each other a bit more space and see if the relationship could continue living apart, but it sounds like it won't last much longer. I know all this because we have a friendly informal relationship which is normal in my organization and we talked about this stuff with other colleagues present.

There is a possibility that in 6-9 months I might move onto another role and he will take over my position, in which case we would be hierarchically equal. However, that is not set in stone, just a possibility. I am a bit bored with my role, but it is a great job with a fantastic salary, flexibility, and opportunity for advancement. I also have a great relationship with my own (female) boss who is sponsoring me as a rising talent in the organization.

Wise Mumsnetters, what do you advise? What do I do? Thanks a lot!

Don't shit where you eat.

Jesus, get some boundaries in place and make sure he knows you're the manager. He could be positioning himself for your job, or your prospective job, with the added benefit of a short term fling while he ousts you. I think you've been incredibly foolish to allow this, you better try and claw back control now.

I would be so annoyed if I was sponsoring someone at work who decided to have a relationship with one of the employees they are supposed to be managing. It would really call my judgment into question.

If it's meant to be, you need to fully park it for now. Behave completely professionally and only consider it when you are at any equal level if that materialises.

He is also still in a relationship and doesn't seem to treat his current partner well & isn't discreet about their relationship given you know do much about it. Would he treat you with more respect & also be more discrete?

You say you are bored at work - perhaps you are also bored with life in general- that seems to be when most people entertain relationships with colleagues.

Unfortunately I think it might damage your reputation at work, even more so if it goes wrong
Sorry
And my view doesn’t change whatever OPs sex is

If you are as successful as you make out, I am surprised you even need to post this.

Don’t go there, it will only cause trouble, blurred lines and cast doubt on your professionalism.

This sounds all wrong OP.
So, you have been mentoring and promoting him, which is good, as he was hired to be your right hand.
But, obviously, it is within his role to get along with you rather well, to align with your style, objectives and actions and so on and on. So, if he is doing his job correctly, he will be your perfect team member, at work that is!
You do not know him on a personal level.
From his point of view, he is maybe thinking that he is doing a great job keeping you happy with his performance, maybe even using a bit of charm to keep you happy and engaged and get himself highly valued, because all employees in the world want to achieve this, for their own personal purposes, including higher financial remuneration and promotions.
But he may have zero interest in you, even differ in approach or opinion to many issues he works with you on. You think he is interested in you, but I think he is interested in his own career goals and his present relationship.

Keep it professional and date someone else.

All of the ridiculous unprofessionalism aside, why would you want to date someone who shows such blatant disrespect for his current girlfriend?

Seriously? Would you be happy in a relationship where you know he'll be discussing the intimate and private details of problems in your relationship with his work colleagues?

Hi all, thank you for sharing your advice. I'd like to address some of the points raised in the replies:

• I am looking to move to another role by the end of the year/ early next year in any case. I have been doing this job for nearly 4 years and I am bored to tears, which I have been discussing with my manager. We are working toward figuring out what other role might be available to me. Therefore I actively want my right-hand man to take over my role as that was always the plan when hiring for that role.
• I am fairly positive he has always had a crush on me. He has said and done countless things that gave me an indication that he had a bit of a crush on me, although never properly crossed any boundaries. I often catch him staring at me with puppy eyes, etc etc. You know the drill.
• He never slagged his gf with us. He briefly shared with us the reasons why the moving had been called off, since we all knew he was due to move in with her and it didn't happen. He is a fairly private person and has anyway always spoken highly of her.

That being said, I acknowledge how tricky the situation is which is why I sought advice here. All comments taken on board, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts :)

None of this would change my advice
Steer well clear

It's easy to imagine that someone we are attracted to feels the same. So you see "staring with puppy dog eyes", he sees "looking at you"...

I'd say his crush started well before mine, from the get-go really. There was a long period of time when I noticed the signs without me having any feelings for him. I actually addressed it with him a few months after he started, he was mortified and promised that he was going to be more careful about his demeanor around me.

Go for advancement in your career, then if your paths don't cross much because of it, tell him when you move that you like him back. I don't see the harm when no longer working together. See each other outside of work, don't flirt in work. As long as professional at work, I don't see the harm in it once you are no lodger working together, it's noone else's business then.

This, I don't see the harm. You've got to have a life and give things a go. Maybe once you move into a new role you'll be able to see what feelings and energy remains when you're not forbidden fruit to each other. If you are discreet and there's no conflict of interest in your future roles, I'm sure your colleagues will have more important things to think about than your private lives.

I mean imagine if you could have had a really life-enhancing, fun relationship with him... Do you want to be on your death bed saying "Well at least the colleagues I had when I was Middle Manager at Acme in my 30s didn't have anything to say about my love life!"

If he’s doing all this extra work and effectively Co-managing, then I think he deserves a promotion to reflect this now, not later if/when you move.

I met my husband at work, we were in the same office but no line management crossovers, so I’m not adverse to an office affair - but you are in the superior position and it will reflect badly on you if you pursue this.

If he really wanted to be with you he'd leave his current partner.

Do you want a boyfriend who flirts with other women and criticises your relationship to people at work?

There are plenty of single men out there. It's desperate and unethical to go for one you know is taken.

'Professionalism' lol.

I'm glad I don't work in an industry where your work is judged by who you shag outside of work. Nobody could give a flying fuck if I dated one of our engineers or builders etc. What a shame to potentially miss out on your future husband because some middle aged manager might curl an eyebrow in distaste.

I know a few married couples who met as peers at work but agree you probably want to wait until the move into a new role.

Not sure why you're getting so many snarky comments. It very much depends on your ability to be discreet and able to keep work / life separate.

Or wait for him to become single?

Good point - equally essential!

I met my DH at work. He was my boss.
I was in an unhappy relationship at the time and he was single.
There was clearly a spark between us but it wasnt discussed as I was trying to make things with with my partner. He left the company and went to work elsewhere. I left my relationship.
We stayed in touch and got to know each other outside of work and the spark was still there. About a year later we officially became a couple and are still together now with a child.

I saw so many work relationships go south, you will always be the talk of the office gossips.
We were, even though nothing ever happened when we worked together and our every move was scrutinised.

You need to wait for him to be single and for you to be in another role and see if it's still something you want to pursue

@MovinGroovinBarbie shares my view. Love is everything, you are mid 30’s and have no time to waste. Get the / another job asap and get together with him. We overrate our careers, you’ll find another job if it goes south. Don’t end up like me single for years, bordering 40 with the odd FWB and an incredible job. I’m miserable.

I think you need to look at moving on if you want to keep your reputation at work, then consider a relationship. I wouldn’t have a relationship with an employee personally. I’d definitely move on if I felt that a relationship could happen, but be careful if you do that and then the relationship doesn’t surface