Feelings for employee, I think it is mutual

[JulieD123]

Hello everyone, long-time poster but I have NCed for this as I am afraid it might be identifying if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am in a real conundrum at work and I desperately need advice!

I am a middle manager at a large corporation where I manage around 15 people. I am in my mid-30s and single. Two years ago I hired a man to be my right hand and we have been working really closely every day since then. He is also mid-30s.

In the last 6 months, he has really stepped up in his role and we have slowly started working more as work partners rather than manager-employee. We essentially jointly manage our team. As a result, I feel like the dynamic between us has been changing and I am concerned that we are both developing strong feelings for each other. I think he has always had a soft spot for me, but he is a very professional person and has always kept that in check. Now I am feeling more and more attraction toward him (and I feel the same energy coming from him) and I don't know how to handle the situation professionally and ethically. We are both professional people and no lines have been crossed, but the energy is there and I can tell it is getting stronger.

He has been dating someone for under a year, they were supposed to move in together a few months ago but he changed his mind last minute and had a freak out because he wasn't sure about his feelings about her. They decided to give each other a bit more space and see if the relationship could continue living apart, but it sounds like it won't last much longer. I know all this because we have a friendly informal relationship which is normal in my organization and we talked about this stuff with other colleagues present.

There is a possibility that in 6-9 months I might move onto another role and he will take over my position, in which case we would be hierarchically equal. However, that is not set in stone, just a possibility. I am a bit bored with my role, but it is a great job with a fantastic salary, flexibility, and opportunity for advancement. I also have a great relationship with my own (female) boss who is sponsoring me as a rising talent in the organization.

Wise Mumsnetters, what do you advise? What do I do? Thanks a lot!

I think people are missing the point.

I'm in a relationship with someone I met at work in 2020. He was one level more senior. We got on really well and bonded outside of work going for walks during lockdown.

I changed jobs three months after we started dating.

My parents met at work in the 70s and are still very happily married today.

The key thing is all were single when they met. That's the only important barrier here.

He's not single so that's that. You don't encourage him to become single, you do your job and remain professional. Why don't you try looking for single men?

There is no point posting ‘what if’ if he’s still in a relationship. When/if he’s single you can re-visit your choices.

Aside from anything else …..he’s not single.

He’s choosing to humiliate his partner by telling you negative details of their relationship that are simply not your business.

You would be very very foolish to pursue this person. He’s not a good guy.

Park it.

Your his manager and he's in a relationship. If later down the line you are both single and not working together then you could consider it

Hi @Lovestoned, thank you for your lovely advice but I am not sure what you mean by "you have no time to waste"?

Setting aside all the excellent points already, I would be pissed off to have been pulled over my body language, have that mortifying conversation only to be then have my manager declare their crush on me. Like, you've made me feel self conscious, embarrassed me and like it was one sided for nothing and when I reigned it in and moved on you've missed the attention??

I want to clarify this point. He is not humiliating anyone. He is not sharing intimate details about his relationship and always speaks positively (albeit infrequently) about her.

We all knew he was due to move into a new flat with her in March, then someone in the office asked how the new flat was and he said "The move is not happening anymore, I had a last-minute freakout as I was unsure about my feelings about the relationship"

That was it. No slagging her, no crazy oversharing.

Thank you all for your comments. I think I did not give enough consideration to the fact that he is not single because of the fact that he mentions his girlfriend v ery infrequently and I never got the feeling he sees it as a serious committed relationship (not because of him slagging her, just the general tone and energy coming from him around the topic). Therefore I tend to perceive him as unattached, although I rationally know he isn't. My bad, I should have given this point more thought.

This!

I get that there are professional boundaries to consider, but also, you're human, and have made a connection.
Wait until he's single and you have moved and go for it.

I think this is likely the best course of action

It is really easy as a woman to mistake a guy's little work crush which gives him an ego boost and tiny thrill with serious interest.

Is this man doing everything he can to show you he's serious....splitting with his girlfriend etc etc

No. He's not so much as invited you for a weekend coffee as far as I can tell.

It's not that your misreading his attraction but you could be seriously overestimating his interest in anything happen with you.

I work in all male environments and am si gle. A lot of guys will get a little crush on me. They have zero intention of pursuing a relationship with me. They love to see the impact they can have on you. They get off (literally) on the what if.

I would really try and get your head straight. If he IS serious then you pulling back and putting boundaries in place may motivate him to be more forthcoming. A serious suitor brings clarity, pace and direction. This is not that.

If a member of your staff looks at you with the puppy eyes the correct response is: are you ok? What's the matter. It's not appropriate at work.

Lots of company codes of contacts ban relationships, at least between people at different levels, because it can't be equal.

I mean if you wanted to have children, at mid 30’s you need to prioritise finding a partner. Regardless, it’s going to be hard to find great single men from here on, the dating pool simply dries up. Love is hard to find in your life, comes around 3-5 times, if it ends up being that with him. But agree with other posters, so long as he has a gf, it’s a bit of flirting only. You need to figure out if he’s serious. If he’s not that into her why is he with her? Some red flags there.

And men are like monkeys. Those that like being in relationships swing from woman to woman, they are never giving one up to be alone! Would be nice if men acted with conviction, the vast majority do not.

Very true @Lovestoned but we can still say we find weakness and insincerity unappealing and screen on that basis.

Men aren't stupid and if more women put up with less monkey branching they'd change their game

There's no incentive with thinking like the OP's that making puppy dog eyes at your boss at work whilst in a serious relatio ship is attractive.

I don’t see anything wrong with being in a relationship with someone at work. So many couples met through work.

My only question/concern is that he’s in a relationship, and it’s even more concerning that he’s not 100% sure of it but is still there stringing her along? That’s a real turn off for me.

I have an update.

Yesterday I had coffee with him and we were discussing a few possibilities on how to shape his future role moving forward.

All of a sudden he got serious and asked "JulieD123, what is going to happen between you and me once you are not my manager anymore?". To which I said that we'd have to see how things are by then. He then said: "I will be patient".

Not sure where things are with his girlfriend and it didn't seem appropriate to ask. Fully planning on curbing this situation down for the time being (until either of us changes role) since it feels like it is getting too out of control at this point.

.

Thanks for the update.

Personally 8 think that when a guy with a girlfriend makes a move on you it is ENTIRELY appropriate to say, what about your girlfriend.

I would have gone further and said, nothing will happen between us whilst you have a girlfriend

Your being his manager is a lot less of an issue than the fact he isn't single

He's dodging that and so are you

So be careful!!

He was asking you out - not sure of a more appropriate context to ask about his girlfriend.

He sounds like a creepy cheat. I'd avoid.

Not sure where things are with his girlfriend and it didn't seem appropriate to ask.

Eh? I can't think of a more appropriate and natural time to say "Well it will depend on whether you're single. Are you?"

Well at the moment I wasn't 100% sure how to interpret the question. It could have also meant "Are you and I still going to be working closely?" or "Are you and I still going to be good friends?". Therefore I gave a vague, non-commital answer.

Upon further reflection, it seems likely that the question had a romantic subtext to it, so yeah I could have asked about his girlfriend, but he took me by surprise and I reacted instinctively.

If the job move fails to materialise for whatever reason and the relationship develops, I wonder what the 14 other people that the OP manages would think about their colleague being 'together' with their manager? I know I wouldn't like it.

Also, it may hurt him professionally - if he got a bonus or promotion that he really deserves, there will always be some wondering if he only got it because he was shagging his boss.

It could be seen as anything from mildly inappropriate to a gross violation of power/boundaries. Also, what happens if he does something wrong and needs to be subject to disciplinary proceedings? Could his romantic partner be relied on to follow the necessary guidelines objectively and fairly for all parties?

There are so many potential pitfalls that I just wouldn't.

The OP sounds like she is trying to do the right thing with consideration. But I agree the girlfriend is a red flag. And all I could add in the coffee meeting situation would be "as your manager, we should not be having this conversation."

Best wishes to you OP. Hope all works out OK, for all concerned.

Thank you for your advice @REP22. It is very clear to me that no romantic entanglement is possible for as long as I am his direct manager. Both our careers could be seriously damaged. If, in time, either of us changes roles and his relationship ends, then I think we can explore.