Feelings for employee, I think it is mutual

[JulieD123]

Hello everyone, long-time poster but I have NCed for this as I am afraid it might be identifying if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. I am in a real conundrum at work and I desperately need advice!

I am a middle manager at a large corporation where I manage around 15 people. I am in my mid-30s and single. Two years ago I hired a man to be my right hand and we have been working really closely every day since then. He is also mid-30s.

In the last 6 months, he has really stepped up in his role and we have slowly started working more as work partners rather than manager-employee. We essentially jointly manage our team. As a result, I feel like the dynamic between us has been changing and I am concerned that we are both developing strong feelings for each other. I think he has always had a soft spot for me, but he is a very professional person and has always kept that in check. Now I am feeling more and more attraction toward him (and I feel the same energy coming from him) and I don't know how to handle the situation professionally and ethically. We are both professional people and no lines have been crossed, but the energy is there and I can tell it is getting stronger.

He has been dating someone for under a year, they were supposed to move in together a few months ago but he changed his mind last minute and had a freak out because he wasn't sure about his feelings about her. They decided to give each other a bit more space and see if the relationship could continue living apart, but it sounds like it won't last much longer. I know all this because we have a friendly informal relationship which is normal in my organization and we talked about this stuff with other colleagues present.

There is a possibility that in 6-9 months I might move onto another role and he will take over my position, in which case we would be hierarchically equal. However, that is not set in stone, just a possibility. I am a bit bored with my role, but it is a great job with a fantastic salary, flexibility, and opportunity for advancement. I also have a great relationship with my own (female) boss who is sponsoring me as a rising talent in the organization.

Wise Mumsnetters, what do you advise? What do I do? Thanks a lot!

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it.

I would test the waters once you're no longer in the same sort of role. There could be something there! Lots of people meet and fall in love at work.

How could you trust him not to cheat on you with someone else at work?

He has form for it and you lose men how you find them.

We would dismiss for a manager shagging a direct line. Keep it in your pants op.

100% that is a dismissal-worthy situation

No employer gets to tell me who I can and can't sleep with. That's why I couldn't go back to an office. They already dictate your appearance due to the possibility of some old fart getting offended that somebody dare come to a meeting with a nose ring etc. I'd love to see an experiment in exactly how far people will let their employer dictate their life.

Yes, I think it was carefully crafted for plausible deniability - to try to get you to show your hand without him really having to do the same. If you'd said "erm, what about your girlfriend?" or "hang on, I'm your line manager and this is not a conversation we should be having", he could very easily have widened his eyes and protested "what? I see you as a friend / I really value your professional advice, did you think I meant something different?"