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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fair division of financial responsibility

78 replies

ShutUpMegx · 06/06/2023 21:38

So DP and I both work and I study.
I bring home £10000 SAAS nursing grant from my nursing degree which is full time, a year and around £2000 from nurse bankwork per year.
DP works 30 hours and brings home around £16000 a year.
we also get some UC between us.
our household bills come to approx £1300 per month, plus £1000 for food.
DP pays me £600 a month towards bills and will buy milk/ bread etc if we need it and fuels his own car.
I cover some of the weekly shop and fuel my own car.
the UC pays the rest of the food shopping and the nursery bills and I have around £200 a month left as a buffer which I save for my car insurance/ Christmas/ uniforms/ haircuts etc.
DH has around £500 a month spare which he pays £100 off debt. Leaving £300. But he never has money at the end of the month as he buys junk food, shit off Amazon, ‘treats’ that none of us need or want.
mom so annoyed as I account for every penny of what I spend. Should I be asking for an extra £100 from him for bills so we are at least closer to 50/50, especially as he earns more than me?

OP posts:
ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 13:52

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 13:52

I’m not saying the whole food shop should be for me and my kids only, but that all the ezras his kids have will have to come from him and not the joint shopping bill.
i buy those things for my children from my money not the joint bill where as he will get it on the joint shop.
last month he added more pads, pens and craft stuff that his two wanted and this was included in our shopping bill. He also added a bunch of sweets and individual drink on as his kids refuse to drink diluting squash or water. From now on he will have to buy these things from his spare money instead of from our shopping budget.
that seems fair imo, unless someone thinks otherwise and I could reconsider.

Extra sorry not ezras, flippin autocorrect

OP posts:
ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 13:57

littlemousebigcheese · 08/06/2023 12:10

This sounds so complicated!

Do you get child maintenance for your 5?
Do you get child benefit for your 5?
Is that money shared or kept as yours?

I don’t get any maintenance unfortunately, my ex husband moved abroad with his girlfriend and apparently doesn’t work so doesn’t owe any maintenance.

OP posts:
ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 13:59

We do get child benefit for his 2 and 3 of my lot, my younger are 5 and 4 so no CHB for them.
sorry I forgot about child benefit, this goes into the joint pot so I suppose goes towards food shop and nursery bill.

OP posts:
3girls1boy1puppy · 08/06/2023 14:02

In your situation I would bite my tongue for a year, let him keep his few extra hundred quid a month. Then next year when you qualify and are earning substantially more than him, he will surely be happy to still keep your finances separate. He was happy to keep his extra money for himself when he had more money, he cannot complain when you do the same next year. Tell him at this point - if you want more disposable income like me, then you will need to get a full time job just like me.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/06/2023 14:42

He sounds like a sponge.

Why is he only working 30 hours a week?

Does he do half housework and childcare?

rwalker · 08/06/2023 15:26

Therealjudgejudy · 08/06/2023 14:42

He sounds like a sponge.

Why is he only working 30 hours a week?

Does he do half housework and childcare?

It’s not really that clear cut he pays £600 for 3 she pays £1000 for 6 so % wise he actually contributes more so how is he a sponge

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 15:39

I’m not sure if there is an equitable division of labour at home, probably not.
he collect the kids from school and nursery 2/3 days per week if I am working and will give them dinner. He will load the dishwasher.
I do all the cleaning, most of the shopping, the other 2/3 school runs per week, all the laundry and all the buying of clothes, Christmas and birthdays

OP posts:
Comtesse · 08/06/2023 15:47

I think @3girls1boy1puppy has got a smart idea - keep your powder dry - when you qualify your money is your money!

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 17:18

3girls1boy1puppy · 08/06/2023 14:02

In your situation I would bite my tongue for a year, let him keep his few extra hundred quid a month. Then next year when you qualify and are earning substantially more than him, he will surely be happy to still keep your finances separate. He was happy to keep his extra money for himself when he had more money, he cannot complain when you do the same next year. Tell him at this point - if you want more disposable income like me, then you will need to get a full time job just like me.

This is the direction I feel it is going, if our relationship survives at all. All I am asking of him is to contribute a bit more now or not expect me to cover all the children’s expenses until I graduate and get a permanent post. Then we will be financially better off on my healthier wage and I can pay more.
you are right, if he is not prepared to sacrifice a bit now for the greater good of our family then I don’t think I will be prepared to return that when the boot is on the opposite foot. I think (rightly or wrongly) I will become resentful.

OP posts:
ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 17:19

rwalker · 08/06/2023 15:26

It’s not really that clear cut he pays £600 for 3 she pays £1000 for 6 so % wise he actually contributes more so how is he a sponge

No % wise he isn’t as I am paying for all of the children’s expenses- his included.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 08/06/2023 17:23

There's the money and there's the workload.

If he's working 30 hours pw, and you're studying for 40 and doing some work on top, he should be doing more housework / cooking etc than you are, of course.

You should both get the same amount of downtime - that's the only fair way to go about it.

When you choose to join households, that's what you're doing. I don't understand the theory that because you have more children you should be doing more of the work. If he thought that, he shouldn't have moved in with you. I couldn't sit relaxing watching the person I love run off their feet and getting less rest than me.

In any case, he chose to cut his hours, and refuses overtime. There was no good reason for that other than he wanted to work less. The only good reason for that would have been that he wanted to work less so he could take some pressure off you at home. But he hasn't done that. He works fewer hours than you, and he does less at home.

As pp have said, I can sort of see that as you have 5 children you might have expected your expenses to be higher than his, but again, in a loving relationship, why would you watch your DP struggling and scrimping (and buying treats for your own children) while you squander the 'spare' money you have left? I can't imagine it.

If he feels strongly that's how you should treat your income, he will no doubt think that's the case when you're earning twice as much when you've qualified. He can't have it both ways.

rwalker · 08/06/2023 17:25

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 17:19

No % wise he isn’t as I am paying for all of the children’s expenses- his included.

Ahh ok just went off one of your replies before
think the easiest way is to between you write it all down then work out fairer split

silly question but does he actually know how much things cost and what your total expenditure is

GrazingSheep · 08/06/2023 17:27

I do all the cleaning, most of the shopping, the other 2/3 school runs per week, all the laundry and all the buying of clothes, Christmas and birthdays

Of course you do. While studying and doing placements. While he does 30 hours per week.

monsteramunch · 08/06/2023 17:38

I do all the cleaning, most of the shopping, the other 2/3 school runs per week, all the laundry and all the buying of clothes, Christmas and birthdays

Plus your 40 hour week and assignments on top? While he does 30 hours a week?

Do you feel comfortable with that?

That he works much less than you and doesn't even do his share of the cleaning?!

greyhairnomore · 08/06/2023 17:48

Can't you just put everything in one pot and both have the same spending money per month ? Seems a lot of hassle over 'his kids' 'my kids '.

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 18:02

greyhairnomore · 08/06/2023 17:48

Can't you just put everything in one pot and both have the same spending money per month ? Seems a lot of hassle over 'his kids' 'my kids '.

That’s what I wanted in the beginning to be fair but then people came on here and said because I have 5 kids and he has 2, I should be contributing the largest amount into the rent/ bills/ shopping fund. While that is fine in theory, I have also been paying for all the things the children need, mine and his and I’m struggling to have enough money to get Christmas and birthday gifts, even if just small ones.
the reason I said my kids/ his kids I because if he is not prepared contribute to the children’s costs outwith the food/ roof over their head and bills, then I am not prepared to support his children and the consequence of that being that I struggle to pay for my own.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 08/06/2023 18:10

With blended families it’s not always as easy 50:50. Sometimes that causes resentment.

He is contributing to living costs. And it’s fair and unfair.

It’s actually really difficult to get the balance right. To be fair you have a sizeable household income. There has to be a way you are both happier.

But given you feel you do most of the house work and childcare and do more hours and sounds generally unhappy, please think about wether you actually want to be with him or not.

Oubliette86 · 08/06/2023 18:16

Who’s child is in nursery & do the fees come out of the joint / family pot?

greyhairnomore · 08/06/2023 18:47

@ShutUpMegx understood, very tricky situation. Seems a shame to have to allocate every pound.

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 19:39

Oubliette86 · 08/06/2023 18:16

Who’s child is in nursery & do the fees come out of the joint / family pot?

One mine, one his, 3 days per week.

OP posts:
Blip · 08/06/2023 20:49

As you are studying and also working 40 hours a week, DH should be picking up more than 50% of the housework/chores/childcare ie the unpaid work.

DH needs to up his hours to full time unless there is a reason which makes sense to you BOTH why this would not benefit the family. The reasons he is giving are a joke. DH should be working towards increasing his hourly rate as it sounds like he is on minimum wage or similar. He needs a plan for this. Unless you are BOTH happy that it's in the interest of the family that he stays at this level of pay.

All income from all sources should be put into one pot for household bills and also costs related to the kids ie all shared costs, including savings for Xmas and holidays.

Personal spending allocations for you and DH should be equal.

If DH isn't willing to agree to this or something very similar then put him out with the trash, why would anyone put up with that in a life partner?

ShutUpMegx · 09/06/2023 09:00

He’s taking the piss out of me.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 09/06/2023 14:58

Yes it sounds as if he is.

ShutUpMegx · 09/06/2023 20:50

I have a much clearer head today, and it dawned on me that he vapes and drinks alcohol and I don’t so I guess a big chunk of his money goes on that. His vapes are £5 each and he goes through one per day, so £155 a month! Plus alcohol at the weekend.
i am a bit of a mug really. I’m going to see how it goes over the next few months and see how it goes when I tell him I will not be buying/ wrapping/ sorting any of his Christmas and birthday gifts.
if he goes off his head ( like I suspect) then I know where the land lies.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/06/2023 00:19

Don’t waste another day of your life on him!!!

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