Page 2 | Fair division of financial responsibility

ShutUpMegx · 2023-06-06T20:38:18+00:00

So DP and I both work and I study. I bring home £10000 SAAS nursing grant from my nursing degree which is full time, a year and around £2000 from nurse bankwork per year. DP works 30 hours and brings home around £16000 a year. we also get some UC between us. our household bills come to approx £1300 per month, plus £1000 for food. DP pays me £600 a month towards bills and will buy milk/ bread etc if we need it and fuels his own car. I cover some of the weekly shop and fuel my own car. the UC pays the rest of the food shopping and the nursery bills and I have around £200 a month left as a buffer which I save for my car insurance/ Christmas/ uniforms/ haircuts etc. DH has around £500 a month spare which he pays £100 off debt. Leaving £300. But he never has money at the end of the month as he buys junk food, shit off Amazon, ‘treats’ that none of us need or want. mom so annoyed as I account for every penny of what I spend. Should I be asking for an extra £100 from him for bills so we are at least closer to 50/50, especially as he earns more than me?

ProfessorXtra · 07/06/2023 17:43

It’s a difficult one. I can guarantee if it was him studying and that had 5 kids and you 2 kids in the household, people would be saying that you shouldn’t have to pick up the extra costs of those 5 kids.

I think people would also suggest that studying with 5 kids to support is a luxury he can’t afford. On MN women are never expected to hand over all their money to support their step kids.

Personally, I think, assuming you really believe you are going to be together forever, it would make sense to pool all money. Until you qualify and revisit then. But having step kids and a blended family really complicated the issue. Does he do a lot of childcare for all the children?

I have 2 kids. Dp has non. I also earn more, the house is also mine. So I pay more of the bills. Your situation isn’t as straight forward.

Silvergoldandglitter · 07/06/2023 18:39

ProfessorXtra · 07/06/2023 17:43

It’s a difficult one. I can guarantee if it was him studying and that had 5 kids and you 2 kids in the household, people would be saying that you shouldn’t have to pick up the extra costs of those 5 kids.

I think people would also suggest that studying with 5 kids to support is a luxury he can’t afford. On MN women are never expected to hand over all their money to support their step kids.

Personally, I think, assuming you really believe you are going to be together forever, it would make sense to pool all money. Until you qualify and revisit then. But having step kids and a blended family really complicated the issue. Does he do a lot of childcare for all the children?

I have 2 kids. Dp has non. I also earn more, the house is also mine. So I pay more of the bills. Your situation isn’t as straight forward.

I agree with this but didn't want to say it.

UCknowitall · 07/06/2023 18:52

Do you get the child element of UC for all the kids OP ?

How much is your UC based on joint income ?

You have 5 kids - how much maintenance do you get from your kids father ?
How much does he get from his kids mother ?

How much is the rent (before housing help from UC) ?

Without that info it's impossible to say what is fair.

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 07/06/2023 19:31

I agree that studying is a luxury, but the choice is to either be in a lower paid job and forever be on benefits, or get qualified and be able to get off benefits.
I need to do my degree to better our lives in the long term.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 07/06/2023 19:39

UCknowitall · 07/06/2023 18:52

Do you get the child element of UC for all the kids OP ?

How much is your UC based on joint income ?

You have 5 kids - how much maintenance do you get from your kids father ?
How much does he get from his kids mother ?

How much is the rent (before housing help from UC) ?

Without that info it's impossible to say what is fair.

Im not really happy to divulge the ins and outs of our exact expenses and benefits online tbh. I have explained what we both earn and how many children we have etc which should be enough to assertain if the split is fair. What I will say is that after rent, bills and food, I pay around £1000 into the family ‘pot’ and he pays £600. The UC covers the rest of the food bill and nursery fees.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 07/06/2023 19:42

On the surface it does seem a fair split tbh, given how many DCs you both have. I personally wouldn't want to see a partner struggling though so I agree it's difficult to see what would feel fair.

onlythe · 07/06/2023 19:58

You are asking about now but I wonder about the future. What will you be earning once your degree is finished? I imagine and hope it will be significantly more than he is bringing home now. Could it affect your UC etc? Would you then want a 50/50 after all combined necessary expenses with you earning and probably doing more all round?

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 07/06/2023 20:19

onlythe · 07/06/2023 19:58

You are asking about now but I wonder about the future. What will you be earning once your degree is finished? I imagine and hope it will be significantly more than he is bringing home now. Could it affect your UC etc? Would you then want a 50/50 after all combined necessary expenses with you earning and probably doing more all round?

When I qualify my starting salary will be around £28000. At that time I would happily contribute more to the family ‘pot’. I truely believe that while I am earning very little now in terms of per hour, Im working for roughly £5 per hour to get my degree, when I qualify it will be more like £14 per hour. This period of hard work will pay off for the greater good of our family.
I also believe that while people are saying that I have more kids, so should pay more, I understand your point but he knew when we became a couple that I had my kids just like he has his, I am significantly worse off from UC as they consider us to have joint income as a family and it is assumed that both people share responsibility for the whole family expenses.
I went into this relationship completely honest and open about the financial responsibility of having my children.
he came into this with his eyes open and he admits that he has more disposable income now he is with me than he did when he was renting on his own.
I am happy to pay more as I have more kids, but I will now use my spare money for my kids only and he will have to sort out the stuff for his 2 on his own.
fair is fair and you can’t have it both ways.

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 07/06/2023 20:33

I am significantly worse off from UC as they consider us to have joint income as a family and it is assumed that both people share responsibility for the whole family expenses. * I went into this relationship completely honest and open about the financial responsibility of having my children.*
he came into this with his eyes open and he admits that he has more disposable income now he is with me than he did when he was renting on his own.

I'm a bit shocked you moved him in knowing it would make you (and therefore your kids) 'significantly worse off' than before he moved in tbh.

ProfessorXtra · 07/06/2023 20:36

You are right. Neither of you can have it both ways.

This is one of the reasons that blended families are difficult. Because whatever way you do things it will always seem to be a bit unfair. Usually, the bits that are more than fair, balance out.

But while you say ‘he knew I had 5 kids and all the expenses’ you knew he had them and that he didn’t intend on pooling all money. You knew your UC would be impacted too. Moving 7 young kids in together who all love their full time was never going to be easy and one person was going to end up resentful.

I do agree that he knew. Which is why, I would pool money for now. But it seems he moved in with the agreement to pay this amount. You knew that.

amiold · 07/06/2023 20:41

Will you not lose a lot of your universal credit when your wage is 28k plus whatever your partner earns?

onlythe · 07/06/2023 20:42

Yep, if he's not able and willing to make things fairer now then he shouldn't expect to benefit from your success. You sound lovely in treating the kids all the same which you can still do without putting everything in the pot and having equal spend left over as he's not willing to do that now.

FloydPepper · 07/06/2023 20:45

ProfessorXtra · 07/06/2023 17:43

It’s a difficult one. I can guarantee if it was him studying and that had 5 kids and you 2 kids in the household, people would be saying that you shouldn’t have to pick up the extra costs of those 5 kids.

I think people would also suggest that studying with 5 kids to support is a luxury he can’t afford. On MN women are never expected to hand over all their money to support their step kids.

Personally, I think, assuming you really believe you are going to be together forever, it would make sense to pool all money. Until you qualify and revisit then. But having step kids and a blended family really complicated the issue. Does he do a lot of childcare for all the children?

I have 2 kids. Dp has non. I also earn more, the house is also mine. So I pay more of the bills. Your situation isn’t as straight forward.

Brave post

FloydPepper · 07/06/2023 20:47

ShutUpMegx · 07/06/2023 19:39

Im not really happy to divulge the ins and outs of our exact expenses and benefits online tbh. I have explained what we both earn and how many children we have etc which should be enough to assertain if the split is fair. What I will say is that after rent, bills and food, I pay around £1000 into the family ‘pot’ and he pays £600. The UC covers the rest of the food bill and nursery fees.

Show quote history

I know you’d rather avoid it but it’s relevant. If you took all “your” income including benefits I’d say it’s more than “his”?

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 07/06/2023 21:08

FloydPepper · 07/06/2023 20:47

I know you’d rather avoid it but it’s relevant. If you took all “your” income including benefits I’d say it’s more than “his”?

Show quote history

But the benefits are joint? We both get UC as a couple and this pays for the nursery and part of the food bill

OP posts:

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 07/06/2023 21:11

amiold · 07/06/2023 20:41

Will you not lose a lot of your universal credit when your wage is 28k plus whatever your partner earns?

I will drop UC when I qualify but as I said above I would be happy to contribute more then as I will be earning a lot more. Now I feel like he could be contributing more with by working full time or having less disposable income just for a year until I can take a full time qualified job.
the above poster is right of course, we both went into this relationship knowing the others circumstances.
I guess for now I am going to strip back anything non essential from the family pot and he can pay for the stuff for his kids.
i get Disney plus for free with my phone contract and that is what my kids like to watch. But his lids want Netflix and Amazon so we have been paying for both of those from our bills account.
I will now say that he he wants the ‘extras’ for his 2 then he will have to pay for them as my lot will happily do without 3 tv subscriptions.
likewise he will have to pay for his 2 to get haircuts, new clothes/ uniform and anything else they need.
it may seem petty but if he is able to retain his income because I have ‘more kids’ then I will Not pay for his children either and then like you say
it is fair and if I’m not paying for his kids stuff I will have more disposable cash for my kids.

OP posts:

OPTIMUMMY · 07/06/2023 21:18

I think if you are living together as a family and you are having a reduction in universal credit due to his income whilst he benefits from the situation then that’s not fair. You should pull all of your resources together to pay for everything and have the same amount spare each, it doesn’t matter who has what children if you’re meant to be a family. Otherwise surely you’d be better off financially without him and having more universal credit? Presumably when you’re earning more he will want to also benefit from this too?

rwalker · 07/06/2023 21:22

There’s 6 of you and 3 of him you pay £1000 he pays £600
i don’t think it’s a million miles away from fair

amiold · 08/06/2023 07:27

@ShutUpMegx sorry maybe worded that badly, I meant will you be any better off?
I wouldn't be paying for his kids but if I was him I wouldn't be paying for yours. Bills should be halved because rent/mortgage, council tax, heating will be the same (bit more gas for more showers granted) but the bulk won't change much for having more in the house. If he doesn't like it he can find his own place 🤷‍♀️

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/06/2023 07:53

How long have you been living together?

I think you were crazy to move in with him knowing you'd be worse off tbh. As a single parent even when qualified you'd still get a fair bit of UC, especially if you have childcare costs.

Yanbu to be annoyed that he is frittering money away, any spare money should be put in a joint savings pot for days out/Christmas/bdays etc.

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 08:28

amiold · 08/06/2023 07:27

@ShutUpMegx sorry maybe worded that badly, I meant will you be any better off?
I wouldn't be paying for his kids but if I was him I wouldn't be paying for yours. Bills should be halved because rent/mortgage, council tax, heating will be the same (bit more gas for more showers granted) but the bulk won't change much for having more in the house. If he doesn't like it he can find his own place 🤷‍♀️

I guess this is where the problem lies. While I agree that he shouldn’t have to pay for my kids, I have been using my spare money to include what his kids needs are and he is not returning that favour ( wrong word).
I think I will go ahead and leave the division of bills as they are, but I will no longer pay for his kids stuff.
that means I will not be contributing to the netflix and Amazon subscriptions that his kids have for their kindles, I will no long put his kids junk food, sweets and ‘extras’ in the shopping order and I will no longer pay for uniforms etc that his two need.
then when they want those extras, he can pay for them out of his ‘spare’ money.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 09:20

You have been very foolish paying for his children when he clearly is very mean with his money.

You need to make better decisions considering you have chosen to have 5 children.

By paying for his children you leave your children short.

Stop being a mug and put your children first.

ProfessorXtra · 08/06/2023 11:48

Given some of your joint UC pays for part of the food shop, then that is joint money. I don’t think food shopping from joint money, only for your kids would work.

are his kids there full time?

littlemousebigcheese · 08/06/2023 12:10

This sounds so complicated!

Do you get child maintenance for your 5?
Do you get child benefit for your 5?
Is that money shared or kept as yours?

Original poster

ShutUpMegx · 08/06/2023 13:52

ProfessorXtra · 08/06/2023 11:48

Given some of your joint UC pays for part of the food shop, then that is joint money. I don’t think food shopping from joint money, only for your kids would work.

are his kids there full time?

I’m not saying the whole food shop should be for me and my kids only, but that all the ezras his kids have will have to come from him and not the joint shopping bill.
i buy those things for my children from my money not the joint bill where as he will get it on the joint shop.
last month he added more pads, pens and craft stuff that his two wanted and this was included in our shopping bill. He also added a bunch of sweets and individual drink on as his kids refuse to drink diluting squash or water. From now on he will have to buy these things from his spare money instead of from our shopping budget.
that seems fair imo, unless someone thinks otherwise and I could reconsider.

OP posts: