New partner, but his situation is a tad tricky and making me stand back!

[Pippa2017]

Hello,

I am really looking for advice really, to see what you all think on this situation, I think I am being reasonable as putting myself first, but wanting to see what you thought too on his situation also and its not quite fair on myself.

Im in my late forties, met this lovely guy who is the same age, a good few months ago , beginning of the year etc. He has a 11 year old son, and is separated, was married for 24 years and separated 3 years ago. His mum died within those 3 years and he admitted he didnt do anything about the divorce for fear of losing his son and also not in a good place re his mum passing.

The wife still lives in the home, whilst he is renting in a 2 bed flat about 10 mins away and sees his son 2/3 times a week, but nothing has been confirmed on when he sees his son.... its just as and when really. Not quite started the divorce proceedings (this worried me) as wanting to make sure he sorts out the house which he is due money from (hence not sorted) and also to make sure he doesnt lose anything with his son too. His wife earns a lot more money, and thankfully now has a new partner she is hoping to move in with, later this year, coincidentally lives about 20mins near me I have met him and he seems nice, met her, whilst picking up the son one time and hmmm not exactly the nicest or most approachable but it is what it is.

Apparently the house is going on the market this week. Now this could take months to sell, for him to get his money he is due, no solicitor is involved here and not too sure when or what will happen to the little boy, he admitted to being lazy about this as nothing has changed/shifted in 3 years. Thats a long time!! This man however with me is incredibly sweet, does everything for me, loves how he makes me feel, but my head has come out of the romantic/emotional energy here and shifted into a more practical, lets focus on what is going on place.

I feel I have kind of become more distant/harsher and realistic about this and he thinks I am being harsh and keeps saying, It feels to me like you want someone else, I said no, its more your situation is a kind of mess at present as I have nothing lurking here with exes/divorce/house/children and you must be able to see this is not fair on me at present, hence just looking at things a little different now. I have to look after myself.

The house I own, is currently going to be changing in october as mortgage rates are going up, he suggested moving in end of this year when his divorce is finalised/house sold, I said no, not whilst you are going through this and with your son etc..... nothing has been finalised, divorced or anything yet, maybe look at this, when that has been confirmed and we can look at this again, whenever, also when we are more established too as in next year/etc etc....but I cant do anything with him until I get an idea on what his situation is doing. This makes me feel insecure/nervous! I am at present sorting out my house myself with other rates.

I also have a lovely social life with my running, whereas he doesnt have friends he sees regularly, he use to play golf but not anymore, his passions are the gym and paddle boarding which is lovely just not with others etc. He is a very happy go lucky guy, lovely caring personality, but I feel for me he has not taken his situation seriously which he has admitted and I am the complete opposite, he says since meeting me its giving him the kick he has needed but I was hoping he didnt need me to give him this, he should be doing this for himself. I have, what feels like changed him. I understand everything costs money, but would I be losing out and would this create stress for me is what i am always thinking whilst waiting for him to sort himself out.

Also I havent a clue, moving forwards when they do sell the house (only just going on the market) what happens to the son, if he was to move into my house, is the son then moving in 3/4 times a week too whilst living with his ex and her new partner and his 2 kids? So you can understand all of a sudden a few months in, my energy has somewhat shifted and I am no longer in this highly romantic passionate phase or rose coloured glasses!!

He has a good job however, doing well, setting up his own business on the side too and yes if he was to move in with me anytime this year, after his divorce/gets his money etc, he would gain, however its also the child here I am thinking of too and I would need to address this. When you dont have children yourself, all of a sudden life changes and lifestyle changes with someone else to think about etc which is also where my head is at....So I am just taking things very very slowly, any help/suggestions? Thank you for reading....greatly appreciated as its very long too and hopefully you havent fallen asleep.

I think this man is not for you. Incompatible lifestyles.

.So 5 months relationship ? I think you need to slow down to be honest. You are too involved with his business, after 5 months. Too soon to be involved with his son as well id say. Its his business re his house etc. You havent been together long enough to have an input imo. You sound quite domineering. Why the rush moving in etc

Hi, I dont mean to be domineering, Im more just thinking of what is going on, as he has never really discussed it and I guess Im also protecting myself too which is understandable, as its nice to see and know what is going on whilst you are dating someone that is all! Hence on here asking really! 😊

I have to agree with this.

Do what you need to do with regard to your mortgage. Don't factor him in.

Let him deal with his situation.

Once you're both settled, you can then start talking about the future.

Although I do wonder if maybe you're not meant for each other. You seem to be uncomfortable/unhappy about many aspects of his life after only 5 months dating.

You are doing everything right OP! You were right to say No to him moving into your house and you're right to be taking things very very slowly. It could still all work out ok, but definitely keep things not too serious until his life is a bit more sorted.

I think you are right to wait and take things more slowly. If it were just him with no children then I would say the same to be honest. I think you have very different approaches to things from what you have described and living together would just make them feel more so.

I think just make it clear to him you want to slow things down. It would be a massive life change for you to have a new partner and his child move into your home. And you're right to be cautious his financials/divorce are sorted before this happens. You shouldn't be rushed by him. I think he needs to get his own ducks in a row then you can talk about creating a life together much further down the line.

He is a very happy go lucky guy

Or, in other words, he's a disorganised mess, financially and in several other ways. He's not a 'new partner', he's someone you've been seeing for a few months. Far too soon to start stressing about the way he's leading his life, managing his divorce, finances, child residence etc -- but not too early to walk away and decide that this level of mess isn't for you. It's completely insane to me that Mr Happy Go Lucky can even have said out loud at this point that he wants to move in with you!

You're a few months into the relationship and putting too much pressure on him/the relationship to make plans for the future. It's very early to have met his son, and too early to be talking about moving in with each other. If you think his life is too complicated now, walk away. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong here. Sometimes people aren't in a rush to sort sort divorces or residence/contact issues, particularly if the set up is working well for all parties.
Whilst what he's doing/not doing isn't wrong, it's clearly not for you so rather than force the issue you'd be better moving on yourself and making decisions about your own home based on what you want or need.

Just for perceptive, I have been separated for 6 years and in no rush to get divorced. We both have better things to spend our money in. We have an amicable relationship and co parent good enough(although he is a knob). Both have had pre ious partners and neither would have dreamed of introducing/moving someone in with our dc after a free months or even a year.
Not popular on MN but people rush in with partners for their own needs rather than that of their dc.
In answer to your question about his son then yes if he moves in then so does the son, in effect your home then become his home as well.
I’d agree with previous op, either your relationship continues with him in his own home or it will not work out.

You have been dating a very short amount of time.

Way too early to be talking about moving in together. To me there are several red flags
1 he thinks it is ok to suggest moving in with you, after such a short relationship, when he is still married and when he has a child to consider. He is not coming across as a great dad. His son should come first instead of what suits him best
2 romance is great but a future together requires compatibility. I think his attitude to life ie drifting along until a woman takes charge will drive you nuts long term
3 why isn’t he taking active steps to get divorced
4 he doesn’t seem to be listening and respecting what you want. It’s all about him

Id proceed with extreme caution if you do decide to proceed at all

Absolutely don't let him move in just because it's convenient for him - you hardly know him. He needs to live independently for a while before you even think of living together.

My other half was in a similar situation when I met him. We didn't move in together for over 5 years until he had sorted his situation out and had bought and ran his own house. It would have been very convenient to have moved him in quickly but there was no way I was going down that route.

You have only known him a few months! Give it a lot longer before you make any big decisions. You are wise to protect yourself and your assets. Nice as he is, it sounds like he not proactive about his future and has just muddled along so far without having a plan. Of course he likes the idea of moving in with you...the easy option for him! Slow down, just date him and see if he can sort himself out without you having to organise him. Also why did he and his wife split, was it because she had to do all the thinking and organising in the relationship l wonder?

5 months in he's just a boyfriend... As you were with you home plans. The fact he has no ideals about time with his ds would bother me.. His private business isn't really yours yet!

Although his situation isn’t ideal, it’s not insurmountable, lots of people in the 40+ bracket will come with tricky backstories and exs and families and all sorts.

what would concern me though is his nonchalant attitude, and as he’s admitted, laziness to sort anything.
It is hard to untangle a marriage and family home of course, but he seems to have done nothing and also when challenged doesn’t seem to have any answers.

This would drive me mad. It also points to the type of person he is - happy to choose the path of least resistance for an easy life. I have found that men who do this come with endless issues, because they never tackle and sort their problems properly. Everything is just “oh well” - there’s no dynamism to actual handle their life.

Doesn’t make him a bad person and some women would be fine with this but I couldn’t and it doesn’t sound like a quality you’d readily accept either.

If he is otherwise a great partner and a compliment to your life then why not just take a step back, keep dating, don’t offer solutions or try to solve his problems. See what he comes up with on his own and decide if that suits you or not

Give it time. The first year we were together DH and I were going through divorces. Mine was much messier than his and we each dealt with everything in our own ways. We moved in together after 5 years, after which time we had both resolved divorce things fully and decided clearly how we were going to organise finances between us after much discussion over a long time period.

Last year we got married after being together for 10 years and are still very happy. I think it would have been much more complex if we had moved in together before all finances and divorces were fully resolved.

We are different, I am more social than him and like to meet up with friends, but still like quiet times with just the two of us as well. He likes running and doesn't socialise with friends. He has a good job and gets on with colleagues. Neither of us mind the other being different.

He is the love of my life and what we have together is better than I could have imagined it would ever be with someone.

He’s not happy go lucky, he just can’t be arsed. And he comes across as looking for a mother, not a partner.
Just date him if you like him enough, but don’t let him move in, whatever you do!

Personally, I wouldn’t let the divorce thing faze you too much (there are lots of reasons people don’t get divorced immediately) if there are no other red flags, but I agree with other posters that it’s been a relatively short time thus far and probably too early to begin making concrete plans for the future — but if you are considering moving in together, I think you need to make sure your finances and assets are secure/not dependent on him. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you’re still okay financially.

he suggested moving in end of this year when his divorce is finalised/house sold

Hell no, you've only been dating four months. Nobody normal would suggest it this early on. And as for not knowing where the child would live that would raise red flags should you wish for children...he is not father material. Throw this one back.

I guess it depends on circumstances…when I separated from XH we waited until the “no fault” divorce option came about (a few months after we separated) because we knew it would be quicker in the long run. It was easier to divorce and do the financial settlement all together. But both of us were keen to just get the divorce over and done with. However, I have a friend who sorted the finances first and still isn’t divorced, just never felt it necessary to do that final push and find the money..sure they will eventually. Neither is wrong, just different circumstances.
The fact that he is procrastinating over his split makes me wonder why and also if he’s like this about other stuff? Him suggesting he moves in so soon is a massive red flag! Also the whole “I wonder if you want to be with someone else” might be a passive-aggressive challenge. Be wary with this one.

i agree with other who have said he's NOT (yet) your partner, he's a boyfriend.... if you aren't enjoying the passionate, dating, "getting to know you" phase then by all means move onto someone else,(hopefully by your late 40's you know your deal breakers) but what's the rush for you?? If he is a nice, supportive person who has every other quality you are looking for then perhaps have a think about whether you are able to wait for him to get his life in order. Theres no rush to move in or make long-term commitments as you equally have to be able to envisage yourself as a potential step-mum to a teenage boy.

Tell him you wouldn’t even consider moving in with him till a certain period after his divorce is finalised. A year after sounds good to me, but you choose the interval. Then that pressure is off what is still a pretty new relationship. And stop putting pressure on him to sort himself out and observe what he does: you’ll soon figure out if he’s someone you have a future with. Good luck!

The way I see it there's three separate issues here:

Firstly I agree with this all being a bit much a bit soon. At 5 months all I'd really want to know is that I could potentially see the "package deal" as something I could consider. I wouldn't have been meeting his child and his ex and his ex's new partner and getting involved in their divorce etc.

Which leads me to point two - I genuinely don't see what them not being divorced or having a set schedule has to do with you or how it even remotely affects you? I (stupidly) married a short term bf when I was 22 after an accidental pregnancy and we didn't make it to our 6 month anniversary. That was almost 10 years ago now and despite the fact we have a child together and have both gone on to settle down (he's had two other children) legally we're not divorced yet. I see it like a bit of paper and there's never really been a reason to. Take my girls to disneyland or buy an expensive bit of paper I'd only need so I could get married again? No brainer for me. He pays CM, and he works shifts so we're flexible on when he sees DD. If at some point I felt the urge to marry again then I'd obviously do the paperwork, or he would, but until then I genuinely don't see how it impacts my life or my new partners life. If they had a serious problem with it then it might give me a kick up the arse BUT it depends on the context because it could just as easily put me off them if there were other signs that they were overly demanding/ controlling/ involved after knowing me for 5 months.

Which takes me to the third point: you do come across as quite.... controlling / domineering / uptight. I mean "he doesn't play golf anymore". Okay 🤔. On one hand you're saying he's a lovely guy with a caring personality and you're deliberately treating him harshly / distant because after 5 months of knowing him he hasn't sold the house his child lives in with his mother? Which is going on the market? Do you even like him? If you're this critical/ unsure after 5 months then just throw him back for someone who isn't/ is! Go and find someone like you (social, childfree, dare I say uptight) if that's what you want?

Blimey! He's trying to move way too fast with you.

I'd want to be together at least 2 years, and also for his divorce and financials to be finalised before I even considered anything serious like moving in together.

Does he earn well? Are you sure he's definitely not a potential cocklodger?

You've been dating him 5 mins.

Their family has been working just fine until now.

You're being FAR too pushy/domineering/demanding, moving in? It's a wonder he hasn't run screaming!!

Its fine to say you're not going to discuss moving in together until his divorce is finalised if that's how you feel.

If they were all happy as it was/is there wasn't any pressing need to divorce, just because you would have, doesn't mean they had to. He has now said you've given him a reason to get it sorted, that's not a bad thing.

I don't think you're compatible. Your personalities will always clash!