Hello,
I am really looking for advice really, to see what you all think on this situation, I think I am being reasonable as putting myself first, but wanting to see what you thought too on his situation also and its not quite fair on myself.
Im in my late forties, met this lovely guy who is the same age, a good few months ago , beginning of the year etc. He has a 11 year old son, and is separated, was married for 24 years and separated 3 years ago. His mum died within those 3 years and he admitted he didnt do anything about the divorce for fear of losing his son and also not in a good place re his mum passing.
The wife still lives in the home, whilst he is renting in a 2 bed flat about 10 mins away and sees his son 2/3 times a week, but nothing has been confirmed on when he sees his son.... its just as and when really. Not quite started the divorce proceedings (this worried me) as wanting to make sure he sorts out the house which he is due money from (hence not sorted) and also to make sure he doesnt lose anything with his son too. His wife earns a lot more money, and thankfully now has a new partner she is hoping to move in with, later this year, coincidentally lives about 20mins near me I have met him and he seems nice, met her, whilst picking up the son one time and hmmm not exactly the nicest or most approachable but it is what it is.
Apparently the house is going on the market this week. Now this could take months to sell, for him to get his money he is due, no solicitor is involved here and not too sure when or what will happen to the little boy, he admitted to being lazy about this as nothing has changed/shifted in 3 years. Thats a long time!! This man however with me is incredibly sweet, does everything for me, loves how he makes me feel, but my head has come out of the romantic/emotional energy here and shifted into a more practical, lets focus on what is going on place.
I feel I have kind of become more distant/harsher and realistic about this and he thinks I am being harsh and keeps saying, It feels to me like you want someone else, I said no, its more your situation is a kind of mess at present as I have nothing lurking here with exes/divorce/house/children and you must be able to see this is not fair on me at present, hence just looking at things a little different now. I have to look after myself.
The house I own, is currently going to be changing in october as mortgage rates are going up, he suggested moving in end of this year when his divorce is finalised/house sold, I said no, not whilst you are going through this and with your son etc..... nothing has been finalised, divorced or anything yet, maybe look at this, when that has been confirmed and we can look at this again, whenever, also when we are more established too as in next year/etc etc....but I cant do anything with him until I get an idea on what his situation is doing. This makes me feel insecure/nervous! I am at present sorting out my house myself with other rates.
I also have a lovely social life with my running, whereas he doesnt have friends he sees regularly, he use to play golf but not anymore, his passions are the gym and paddle boarding which is lovely just not with others etc. He is a very happy go lucky guy, lovely caring personality, but I feel for me he has not taken his situation seriously which he has admitted and I am the complete opposite, he says since meeting me its giving him the kick he has needed but I was hoping he didnt need me to give him this, he should be doing this for himself. I have, what feels like changed him. I understand everything costs money, but would I be losing out and would this create stress for me is what i am always thinking whilst waiting for him to sort himself out.
Also I havent a clue, moving forwards when they do sell the house (only just going on the market) what happens to the son, if he was to move into my house, is the son then moving in 3/4 times a week too whilst living with his ex and her new partner and his 2 kids? So you can understand all of a sudden a few months in, my energy has somewhat shifted and I am no longer in this highly romantic passionate phase or rose coloured glasses!!
He has a good job however, doing well, setting up his own business on the side too and yes if he was to move in with me anytime this year, after his divorce/gets his money etc, he would gain, however its also the child here I am thinking of too and I would need to address this. When you dont have children yourself, all of a sudden life changes and lifestyle changes with someone else to think about etc which is also where my head is at....So I am just taking things very very slowly, any help/suggestions? Thank you for reading....greatly appreciated as its very long too and hopefully you havent fallen asleep.