New partner, but his situation is a tad tricky and making me stand back!

[Pippa2017]

Hello,

I am really looking for advice really, to see what you all think on this situation, I think I am being reasonable as putting myself first, but wanting to see what you thought too on his situation also and its not quite fair on myself.

Im in my late forties, met this lovely guy who is the same age, a good few months ago , beginning of the year etc. He has a 11 year old son, and is separated, was married for 24 years and separated 3 years ago. His mum died within those 3 years and he admitted he didnt do anything about the divorce for fear of losing his son and also not in a good place re his mum passing.

The wife still lives in the home, whilst he is renting in a 2 bed flat about 10 mins away and sees his son 2/3 times a week, but nothing has been confirmed on when he sees his son.... its just as and when really. Not quite started the divorce proceedings (this worried me) as wanting to make sure he sorts out the house which he is due money from (hence not sorted) and also to make sure he doesnt lose anything with his son too. His wife earns a lot more money, and thankfully now has a new partner she is hoping to move in with, later this year, coincidentally lives about 20mins near me I have met him and he seems nice, met her, whilst picking up the son one time and hmmm not exactly the nicest or most approachable but it is what it is.

Apparently the house is going on the market this week. Now this could take months to sell, for him to get his money he is due, no solicitor is involved here and not too sure when or what will happen to the little boy, he admitted to being lazy about this as nothing has changed/shifted in 3 years. Thats a long time!! This man however with me is incredibly sweet, does everything for me, loves how he makes me feel, but my head has come out of the romantic/emotional energy here and shifted into a more practical, lets focus on what is going on place.

I feel I have kind of become more distant/harsher and realistic about this and he thinks I am being harsh and keeps saying, It feels to me like you want someone else, I said no, its more your situation is a kind of mess at present as I have nothing lurking here with exes/divorce/house/children and you must be able to see this is not fair on me at present, hence just looking at things a little different now. I have to look after myself.

The house I own, is currently going to be changing in october as mortgage rates are going up, he suggested moving in end of this year when his divorce is finalised/house sold, I said no, not whilst you are going through this and with your son etc..... nothing has been finalised, divorced or anything yet, maybe look at this, when that has been confirmed and we can look at this again, whenever, also when we are more established too as in next year/etc etc....but I cant do anything with him until I get an idea on what his situation is doing. This makes me feel insecure/nervous! I am at present sorting out my house myself with other rates.

I also have a lovely social life with my running, whereas he doesnt have friends he sees regularly, he use to play golf but not anymore, his passions are the gym and paddle boarding which is lovely just not with others etc. He is a very happy go lucky guy, lovely caring personality, but I feel for me he has not taken his situation seriously which he has admitted and I am the complete opposite, he says since meeting me its giving him the kick he has needed but I was hoping he didnt need me to give him this, he should be doing this for himself. I have, what feels like changed him. I understand everything costs money, but would I be losing out and would this create stress for me is what i am always thinking whilst waiting for him to sort himself out.

Also I havent a clue, moving forwards when they do sell the house (only just going on the market) what happens to the son, if he was to move into my house, is the son then moving in 3/4 times a week too whilst living with his ex and her new partner and his 2 kids? So you can understand all of a sudden a few months in, my energy has somewhat shifted and I am no longer in this highly romantic passionate phase or rose coloured glasses!!

He has a good job however, doing well, setting up his own business on the side too and yes if he was to move in with me anytime this year, after his divorce/gets his money etc, he would gain, however its also the child here I am thinking of too and I would need to address this. When you dont have children yourself, all of a sudden life changes and lifestyle changes with someone else to think about etc which is also where my head is at....So I am just taking things very very slowly, any help/suggestions? Thank you for reading....greatly appreciated as its very long too and hopefully you havent fallen asleep.

@OhBling has hit the nail on the head

Was he really wrong? It sounds like you would be happier with someone else. You want the kind of guy who would sort out a divorce immediately, get everything sorted, organise regular times with his child and have a busy social life.

If you didn't move in together then his child visiting would not cause any problems. You don't want children with him, so you could easily live apart. And that would give you all the time in the world to work out whether you wanted him or another kind of man.

I think you’re being very sensible and more people need to be like you. You’ve only known him since the beginning of the year. I would just stick your guns and reassure him how much you like him but until he’s divorced, sold the house, and there is a routine set in place with his son, he will not be moving in.

Seriously, do not live with someone who isn't divorced with a clean break order in place.

If he moves in, then he is obliged to share what he knows about your assets. income etc on his financial disclosure for the divorce. Seems unfair I know, but the legal approach is that if he is sharing a house and living expenses with you, he's better off as he's got someone to share bills with.

In the thread I mentioned earlier, the OP's partner had given his ex pretty much all of the equity in the family home, and had moved into rented. But because he'd bought a new house but was not divorced, his new house could be taken into account as part of marital assets even though it was only in his name and purchased after the separation.

Needless to say the OP in that situation was pretty unimpressed with being dragged into a messy divorce, and potentially having to subsidise her partner so that he could pay a greater share of his assets to his ex-wife.

i think it is way too soon to think about him moving in, especially as he has a son. who may also then be living at yours depending on what the access/custody situation is...lots to think about. I'd proceed with caution....

( @Moveoverdarlin In that thread, though, the wife in question may have a nasty shock when she realises that house she bought with the equity is also still a marital asset)

This. What happy go lucky people don't realise is that in order for it to all work out in the end, some other bugger does the work.
Or they know full well and that's the point.

So let me get this straight - He's got a lot on and doesn't want to be rushed, not least to move in with you, and you've got a busy life and don't want him to move in with you.

Conclusion - I don't think you should move in together. Enjoy your times together and then you can enjoy your hobbies and life and sort your own house biz out and he can do whatever he needs to do in his own time in his own way with his X and son and house etc. Time will tell if this relationship has legs or not.

@Pippa2017 i also add that my home was my treasure too - until my ex refused to move out and made my life hell. I ended up having to move out! Thank god he finally left, i cried of relief. I will never, ever put myself in that position again.

You were very sensible to say he couldn’t move in. He is charming now but could be Mr Happy Go Lucky sees you as a soft place to land. Sorry to be blunt. He needs to sort himself out. Just treat him as a fun boyfriend and don’t get too involved in his business.

After only 5 months, you need to slow things right down. It's interesting that nothing has been done about getting his divorce in 3 years, then just as he meets you there seems to be an inkling of movement. Perhaps. Maybe.
I wouldn't be entertaining any idea of his moving in with you for a good while yet. If he does, then you need to be ready to do some parenting when his child is with him. I would be wanting his divorce sorted and you having got to know him as a dad much better before you think about him moving in.
Make your decision about your house/mortgage independently of him, as after such a short time together you don't know if it's going to work over a longer period of time.

I agree with this too.

My exh and I only divorced two years ago because he wanted to remarry. We split up 11 years ago. There was nothing sinister about it, we just hadn't bothered.

You sound like someone who likes the 'i's dotted and the 't's crossed so that you are clear in your mind. But not everyone is like that.

You just sound incompatible rather than either of you being in the wrong.

Your only with this man 5 months. He is still married, his wife still lives in the family home and they have an 11 year old child together. Your boyfriend lives in a rented 2 bed flat and sees his child on a regular basis.
You boyfriend has been letting thing's drift along re getting a divorce and selling the family house for the past 3 years.

Meanwhile he knows that you own your own home and has suggested that he can move in with you after 5 months. It's all a bit convenient for him now. He can move into your home rather than rent. Then when his child comes over you can do most of the heavy lifting like his wife has been doing the past few years.

I would see still see him but I be making my own plans re your housing and mortgage situation. If your mortgage is about to go up could you rent out a bedroom to give you extra income. Your boyfriend is adult and its time he sorted out thing in his life.
As some said here he could be looking for a mammy to live with and mind his child.

One of my friends was in a similar situation to you and she decided to tell him that they be better as friends rather than a couple. She said to me his a nice guy but I could see that he was eyeing up to move in with me and we have his child on a regular basis.
I did not want my free time taken up with minding his child. I did not want him to have a claim on my house if we split up. I also will be getting money in time when my parents die and I don't want him thinking it his money also.

Whilst I appreciate your view , this is not the best advice.

1. a divorce, especially if you are already very amicable and not trying to screw each other over financially , can be cheap and quick- not a case of “better things to send money on” . Ours cost £1400 all in for both our fees and chargers, and took less than 4 months (2021 just before law changed)
2. without a divorce your separated partner remains your legal next of kin for ALL matters. They have right to decide on a DNR decision, or make financial decisions if you are mentally incapacitated for all joint asset irrespective of what you might want. If you have emotionally separated that is a mighty risky thing to do if you care about self autonomy
3. your still legal spouse has rights to any money you now make, inherit, win etc. you remain financially joined with all individual assets being considered as “joint matrimonial assets”. As such at any point you do decide to divorce all these assets will need to be declared on D81 and considered as part of the financial agreement. You cannot, for instance, hide assets you’ve acquired since you split without breaking 2 laws - contempt of court and potential fraud.
4. any agreements regarding children are informal. Great all the time it works, but if it goes wrong, someone wants to move etc, you have no means to resolve this legally without going down divorce route at that stage

frankly, if you can live with this, fine, but it is not something that should be recommended on basis to save money- it could be a very costly mistake.

regarding this OP, she is wise to make no financial, domestic or other commitments with this guy until he Hal’s most sensibly, sorted both a divorce and financial agreement and child custody arrangements out. She doesn’t know what she is getting into long term without that framework having been made legal .

Well done for your forward thinking OP, if more people acted like you then there would be far fewer women and men getting screwed over and less kids getting dragged into shitty situations.
Honestly, I wouldn't be thinking of a future at all with this man. If you want to continue dating and observing from a distance, fab. He isn't in a position at all to offer anything serious and he certainly isn't a catch. I am not surprised he suggested moving in with you, good on you for shutting it down.
Just be careful you don't get roped in as provider and babysitter. Men tend to go for a higher earner second time round and someone they can easily manipulate to think the world should revolve around them and their offspring. No thanks, your needs should be considered equally in any relationship. Keep an eye out for this kind of thing.

Its only been 5 months and he's already talking about moving in with you, so you are looking at whether or not its right for you. And because you won't just fall into moving him in, he says you are backing off. Somehow thats been twisted to accuse you of being domineering and too much in his business - I'm just not seeing it.
I agree with Ihadenough22. He's drifted for 3 years, now his wife is seeing someone else. It sounds like he's in a rush and not really thinking things through. Its all moving way too fast.

In what way? We don't have any joint accounts or anything. The house was mine before I married him so he has no claim on that (nor I on his since I've never contributed anything financially to it). The only thing I can think of is if he died in service his pension / death in service payout / life insurance might default to me legally in which case I'd just split between his children (or their mother if young) and he'd do the same for mine. We don't particularly like each other but neither of us would screw our children and their siblings who they love dearly over. That said I'm in Scotland so maybe it's different elsewhere.

The exact thing actually happened to my partner who wasn't divorced either when his wife died unexpectedly young. He was probably "legally" the default person to inherit everything but it just got split down the middle between his DS adult half-sibling and him (because DS was still a child). If they'd been formally divorced it probably would have fallen to the grabby brother to execute everything who really doesn't give a fuck about his niece and nephew (and he did try, but luckily because they were still legally married DP could very easily make sure the children got everything).

So if I died then I figured I'd want the same thing to happen? Until such times as I married again to someone I'd trust enough to not disinherit my children.

While OP does describe this guy as happy-go-lucky, it sounds as if he's sorting out the divorce now. It's been just three years, during which there were Covid lockdowns and his mum died. I can't imagine that this is just about him being super chilled.

Have only read your posts OP, so I expect I'll just be repeating what everyone has already told you.

Basically, I got about half-way through your first post before I started thinking 'No. Just, no.'

He's late forties, came out of a 24-year marriage 3 years ago, so he must have married at age 19-20-21. Mid-to-late thirties before they had a child, and since the split he has done nothing to secure his access to his son, nothing to instigate a divorce, nothing to secure his share of the house-sale proceeds - "no solicitor is involved here".

He's a drifter. Just bobs along letting everyone else call the shots and do the work. You can call that "happy go lucky" if you want, I'd be more inclined to think along the lines of a lazy man riding the coat-tails of someone who does all the work. (A case could also be made for 'parasite'.)

You have only been seeing him for five months and he has already "suggested moving in end of this year when his divorce is finalised/house sold". Five months! That would be too soon, even if he had been progressing his divorce / house sale / access to his son at a normal rate; but for someone who "admitted to being lazy about this as nothing has changed/shifted in 3 years", I have to wonder if he will actually have done anything by the end of the year to make it happen. His past record would suggest not.

"His wife earns a lot more money, and thankfully now has a new partner she is hoping to move in with, later this year, coincidentally lives about 20mins near me I have met him and he seems nice, met her, whilst picking up the son one time and hmmm not exactly the nicest or most approachable but it is what it is."
Given what you have described of him, I would wonder at just how much of a drifter he was in his marriage. She had 24 years of it. I wonder how sick of his 'happy-go-lucky' schtick she was by the end of it. How sick she was of doing the mental load alone, how sick she was of the burden of being the only adult in the room. SHe's given him three years now to progress the divorce / sort out formal access arrangements, and he's done nothing. Cut her some slack OP.

And also, note that she wants to sell the house. That's the reason it's happening. He'd still be drifting along if she hadn't instigated it.

I'm not saying he's a cocklodger @Pippa2017 , he'd probably contribute financially. But you'd be taking over from his wife, carrying the mental load, making all the decisions, doing all the life admin. He'd just drift along, accepting it all, living his pleasant life with no responsibilities. And that might be fine if you were looking to have an exotic pet, but I think, personally, I'd prefer a partner. This man is not a partner, and by suggesting he moves in so early in your relationship, it seems pretty clear he'd like to offload the few responsibilities he has accepted onto his next owner / housekeeper / personal assistant.

By all means continue in an uncommitted fun relationship with him, but NEVER consider him for anything requiring commitment and effort, because I doubt he's capable. And absolutely NEVER let him move in, you'll never get him back out. And I think you'd tire of his 'happy-go-lucky' ways pretty quickly.

I think you're overthinking.

He isn't divorced but that's legalisties, not emotional. He's not living with her or trying to patch his marriage up. Lots of people don't move out and lodge paperwork immediately. They let dust settle.

It makes no difference to your dating life.

The house not being sold, unless he's moaning to you about money and expecting you to house or finance him, again why does it affect you? It's being sold. He wasn't a dick who expected to kick him kid out into temporary accommodation so he could get his hands on cash. Good for him. Once its sold, how they split the money is up to them.

If the child arrangement works for them they arent obliged to take it to court. Is he complaining about it? Is he complaining she witholds the kid or uses the kid to hurt him, denying access if he doesn't do as he's told? In which case yes he needs to go to court and stop moaning and doing nothing, otherwise nothing to do with you.

Yes if he moves in with you then his kid comes too. That's how relationships with parents work. He can't just refuse to let his kid sleep over now cos he's got a new woman. What a shit person he would be to do that. Is that really the sort of person you want to be with - someone who dumps his kid for you?

So yeah, given what you've said either let him go or keep it casual. Back away from his money and house and kid and just enjoy the time with him away from all that.

Ha ha, yeah right, he wants a live in babysitter and cleaner.
No one falls in love as fast as a man who needs somewhere to live.

Yes this is so so true, thank you and makes perfect sense, I wont be doing anything with him, no matter how much I like him until everything is sorted, I have to protect myself, all this advice is amazing, so thank you!! and I still really dont know this guy after 5/6 months to be honest with you. I am happy to still see him but just taking a little step back to enjoy dating! Thank you, this all makes really. good sense!

Thank you, i will do!

So you have a will?

Because if you don’t, and you die while married, then it doesn’t matter if you owned your home before you got married.

Both those bits of paper, as you call them, wills and marriage certificates, are legal documents which set out legal rights and responsibilities.

If you need to write a will which aims to negate your marriage, it would be much easier and probably cheaper simply to get divorced. It would certainly be less stressful and expensive for those left behind if you die before sorting it out.

I do think you're being a bit naive here. Unless your will explicitly states what will happen to your assets, there's no guarantee he would do exactly what you want, even if he didn't actively screw you. And the fact that the house was yours before is irrelevant - it's technically still a marital asset. And let's not forget that people can be affected by their own situations. Just ask FIL whose wealth was completely destroyed because he gave POA to someone who is a lovely upright honest person... when he's in recovery, which, sadly, he was not during the time he had POA for FIL.

Ditto medical decisions etc.

Get the divorce so that none of these issues have to be sorted by someone else