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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner keeps accusing me of cheating

68 replies

Anonymous1012 · 06/06/2023 07:38

To put it out there I haven’t cheated nor never will but my partner has accused me a handful in the last year, most recently my phone went off twice during the night both who were girls I work with, he said it was dodgy and that it was guys not my friends, I offered to show him to prove I I wasn’t lying but he said no because I could just delete stuff, I work very early shifts hence why people I work with are up at that time 2/3am.
I just don’t understand why he keeps accusing me, I did tell him I think he is insecure from past relationships as he has always been cheated on and he has done it once before when he was very young but just says has a gut feeling and it’s dodgy so he goes with that.
has anyone experienced this if so what did you do?

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 06/06/2023 07:41

Well to be honest, this was the thing that ultimately made me leave my ex DH.
With him, it was absolutely a control tactic. He wanted to make my life small.
I was accused any time I went out, when I got a new job etc.
It was unbearable and in the end unacceptable.

Original poster
Anonymous1012 · 06/06/2023 07:44

MichaelAndEagle · 06/06/2023 07:41

Well to be honest, this was the thing that ultimately made me leave my ex DH.
With him, it was absolutely a control tactic. He wanted to make my life small.
I was accused any time I went out, when I got a new job etc.
It was unbearable and in the end unacceptable.

Yeah it’s starting to make me feel drained, scared for my phone to go off, and don’t know what else I can do to prove me innocence

OP posts:
GoalShooter · 06/06/2023 07:45

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. I couldn't be with someone who repeatedly accused me of lying.

Original poster
Anonymous1012 · 06/06/2023 07:46

GoalShooter · 06/06/2023 07:45

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. I couldn't be with someone who repeatedly accused me of lying.

Yeah it’s getting to that point as I’m fed up of being accused when I know I’ve done nothing wrong

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/06/2023 07:47

has anyone experienced this if so what did you do?

I left. It's the only thing you can do - leave.

MichaelAndEagle · 06/06/2023 07:48

Anonymous1012 · 06/06/2023 07:44

Yeah it’s starting to make me feel drained, scared for my phone to go off, and don’t know what else I can do to prove me innocence

Show quote history

The only way you can prove your innocence is to never speak to anyone, not have any friends or life away from him, not have social media etc... and that is obviously not acceptable.
He might not even realise he's doing it, but his paranoia is not your problem.

You have to tell him he has to stop. I tried this, told him he'd have to stop or it would be the end of our relationship.
He said it would stop....but it didn't. So I left.
Hopefully your partner might listen to you.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/06/2023 07:53

It's a form of abuse and control op. My ex was like this, it resulted in him stopping me seeing friends, going out without him and ultimately alienating me from all my family and friends. Save yourself years of agro and him crushing your self esteem and respect and leave him. This ain't a healthy relationship

frozendaisy · 06/06/2023 07:54

Turn it around.

Make sure he knows you are not going to be bothered

"Gosh it is miserable being paranoid you?"
"Think what you like I am not going to be guilty about stuff I haven't done"
"Are you trying to make me want to stay in clamped to your side so you don't get suspicious because that's just too weird for me I refuse to live like that"
"Oh not this again do change the record"
"Check my phone or sush"
"Yeah yeah yeah one of my string of lovers"

Once he realises you are not going to change your behaviour or even be bothered by his boring control tactics he should stop because it won't be any fun then

If he starts on something else say what you wear, tell him to piss off or it's over.

It might be that start of control so just don't let him affect you.

If he continues tell him to fuck off for good.

gratefulheart · 06/06/2023 07:56

My exh was terrible for this and it turned out it was him deflecting his own 10 year affair. Glass houses and stones and all that!

Clymene · 06/06/2023 07:58

You cannot prove innocence when there is no evidence. This isn't going to get better. The only thing you can do is leave.

Tangelablue · 06/06/2023 08:07

My ex did this as a method to isolate and control me. I would dread anyone massaging me and lost touch with a lot of friends.Turned out he was cheating and I think was justifying it by making out I was also cheating.
If he doesn't trust you then the relationship isn't going to work.

Hsirorbish · 06/06/2023 08:22

This was a typical move by my ex and, it was them deflecting from their cheating.

There was also a lot of deliberate drama so when the accusations were made I offered up the phone immediately and said they could look but they refused - In hindsight it was about creating drama.

Malificent1 · 06/06/2023 08:23

He’s either trying to isolate and control you, or it’s his own guilty conscience speaking. Or both.

NewUserName2023 · 06/06/2023 08:38

Constant reassurance is wearing. If he behaved like this with his previous partners it probably drove them away (or into someone elses arms). Does he really want the same ending of your relationship? As another PP has said, his paranoia is not your problem, and don't become isolated from your f&f because of his behaviour.

TokyoStories · 06/06/2023 08:50

he is insecure from past relationships as he has always been cheated on

Has he really? Or did he just do the same to them as he is to you?

Gamerlady · 06/06/2023 08:50

I'd say he's cheating and accusing you instead.. my friend's partner did the same thing.. constantly accusing her of cheating.. she then found out he had been having An affair.. call him out on it

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/06/2023 08:53

It's a well-known abuse tactic - controlling behaviour and coercive control is now recognised as a criminal act.

You are entitled to live your own life. He does not own you or get a say in who you talk to and when. Your phone is private and none of his business.

Ditch this man asap. He's no prize.

RuffledKestrel · 06/06/2023 08:55

My ex done this, multiple times in multiple years and I ended up isolating myself from everyone to try and alleviate his insecurities.
We broke up cause he was cheating.
I'll never stand for someone accusing me of cheating again when the accusations are solely based on their insecurities. If they don't trust me as much as I trust them, then that is their problem.

ArcticSkewer · 06/06/2023 08:56

Probably having an affair of his own. Possibly just controlling. Either option is not great.

Feduplandlord · 06/06/2023 08:57

Will never stop, only escalate.

Coercive control.

rainbowstardrops · 06/06/2023 08:57

I reckon he's either possibly having an affair himself, or he's trying to control you and chip away at your self esteem. It must be draining.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 06/06/2023 09:00

No penis on earth is worth this nonsense. Pleading with some boyfriend over something he made up in his own head just to control you-nah. Life is for living. Dump him because he's boring, a criminal, and a bit thick.

2catsandhappy · 06/06/2023 09:11

He has you in an impossible position designed for you not to win.
These accusations can get really bad. You can spend so much time altering your behaviour so there is no way you can be accused. Eg. not going out, turning down invitations, changing how you dress or stopping friends from visiting.
None of it matters. He will claim you are so clever and sneaky that he can't catch you out.
It wears you down to a shell of the real you.
Save yourself a lot of heartache and pain by dropping him.
I wish MN had been around when I was tying myself in knots and secluding myself to PROVE I was faithful. Waste of my life.

savethatkitty · 06/06/2023 09:12

Maybe he's cheating & trying to throw you off the scent by accusing you. Either way, it's a drain. Bin him

TheDogthatDug · 06/06/2023 09:14

Fuck that for a lark.