Partner keeps accusing me of cheating

[Anonymous1012]

To put it out there I haven’t cheated nor never will but my partner has accused me a handful in the last year, most recently my phone went off twice during the night both who were girls I work with, he said it was dodgy and that it was guys not my friends, I offered to show him to prove I I wasn’t lying but he said no because I could just delete stuff, I work very early shifts hence why people I work with are up at that time 2/3am.
I just don’t understand why he keeps accusing me, I did tell him I think he is insecure from past relationships as he has always been cheated on and he has done it once before when he was very young but just says has a gut feeling and it’s dodgy so he goes with that.
has anyone experienced this if so what did you do?

@Anonymous1012 he knows you aren't cheating. He enjoys the way you become upset and anxious and scramble to 'prove' your innocence to him. It makes him feel like a big man.

He's a knob and this is not how you have a loving, healthy relationship.

He may also be projecting. Often when one partner has or is cheating they project that onto the innocent party as a way of deflecting suspicion.

Think on this. You have literally showed him your phone, proven time and time again his accusations are groundless yet he still accuses you. He KNOWS and still does it deliberately.

F*ck that - know your worth and dump him.

Hey, I’m trying to manage the same kind of situation. It’s soul destroying. I really don’t want to walk away but I can’t keep trying to explain myself. I’m finding it very hard because when there aren’t any issues he’s just perfect, he’s the man I’ve been waiting for.. but when the accusations come he’s intolerable. Never nasty. But makes me feel like a sneaky tart.

I recommend you start your own thread. Although the answers will be the same - leave him because accusations of cheating are usually just for control and/or deflection.

Dump him. He’s isolating you.

I'm 47 female married to a 59 year old man for 10years who constantly accuses me of cheating when I never have even when we have separated. I'm isolated from everyone because I'm always afraid of his outbursts. He tells his sister who hates me for no reason, but hates him as well, that I'm cheating knowing this is not true and that she will repeat it to others. On the other hand he has cheated with as many as 4 woman that 8 know of but excuses it by saying we weren't really in a relationship and he wasn't ready for one at the time but I was living with him. He accuses me off sleeping with workers so I can't talk to them because if they address me or agree with my opinions about work, I have something inappropriate with him. He constantly tells me to leave that everything belongs to him. I made the mistake in confiding in a friend of his about issues in our marriage and she turned around and told him everything, although she agreed that I shouldn't be with him because since shes known him he was no good as a man. She failed to tell him that part of the conversation. I have tried for years with him, he does good for a few days and goes back to the same. I lost my home, car, and havent worked because he didn't want me to have anything. He puts his 20 yr old son before me, but has pushed all 4 other children away because of his anger and constant outbursts. His kids all like me except for the one he favors. Now he has an issue with my mom too. If I go get anything done with her he questions why we took so long. We even invite him to come but he won't do them he could have something to fight about. . My mom used to see him as a son but now doesn't want anything to do with him because of things he had done and disrespected her home, but he puts it all on me. At one point he accused me of being with his oldest son my own son n his oldest grandchild. I raised 2 of his children he has 4 and 7 of his grandchildren. Any man that say anything to me whether fam or even

business clients, he accuses me of cheating with. I feel I'm going crazy. He feels because he is well set off financially that he could control me. He wants me to give him my phone to see who i talk to but I don't because I feel I shouldnt hv to im grown n he should trust me plus he don't pay for it my mom does. He wakes up in the middle of the night gets on his phone texts his sister to talk crap about me n my family and then watches porn for hours. I love him and made a commitment to God for better or worst but I'm feeling anxious and depressed with his constant accusations and gaslighting. He says if I leave he coups replace me in a heartbeat but I would never find anyone because I'm worthless n ugly. Has anyone experienced this and if so what was the outcome?

You can’t win. No amount of discussion, reassurance, or retaliation will convince him otherwise. He has a vested interested in keeping you in a defensive state, either to control you or to deflect from his own wrongdoing. The person you met is not the person he is now and you need to let him go because this behaviour will not get better, it will get worse.

Yeah... I left. He threw the "you made a promise in church" bit at me. But it's not a one-sided promise, it's a bargain. He promised to love and cherish you, right? How does his porn use fit with his vows? For better, for worse means you stick together through bad times, care for each other when they're ill, don't run off after a shiny new fellow because this one got a bit ragged round the edges. It's a beautiful concept, but what it does NOT mean is "once he's got you he can behave like an arsehole"!

You've posted at the end of an old thread which is full of good advice to the original poster. So many women have been through this situation, we can reply through experience. I was married for nearly 25 years, we had 4 children together, I mistakenly thought that he would eventually learn to trust me but he never, never did. It's something broken in them, nothing about anything you do or say. When I left I was about your age. I haven't bothered to even look for love again, but I have no doubt if you wanted someone else you could find someone far nicer. In any case, don't let fear of being alone stop you from leaving a bad marriage. I'm sure many of your friends and family will be hugely relieved if you do.

Drinking is a big factor.

Thank you for your advice

I was married for 18 years. My ex wife cheated. 2 years after my divorce I met a wonderful lady. We have great chemistry. Always laughing.

As soon as I started dating my girlfriend my ex wife was not very nice. Caused a lot of issues. I didn’t know how to handle a ex wife and have a new girlfriend.

One year into my new relationship ( been dating 3.5 years now) my ex called me while I was with my girlfriend and her adult kids. I decided not to answer. It caused a huge fight with my girlfriend. She thought I was hiding something because I would not talk to my ex at that time. I was focusing on my girlfriend and her kids.

I would have my ex wife on DND on my phone. Again my girlfriend would think I was hiding stuff.

Last month my ex wife had text me some rude/bossy text messages. My ex wife has never been inappropriate sexually with me for over 6.5 years. Only texting about the kids. I had deleted a few of the text threads but not the entire text. My girlfriend noticed my Apple Watch texts from my Ex wife had messages my phone did not. Again my GF thinks I am emotionally cheating my with ex wife. We had a huge argument about it. My GF shared our text argument with her adult daughter. Now my GF kids think I have something for my ex wife now as well.

I am beyond frustrated. I am being labeled as emotionally cheating with my ex wife because I deleted some texts. The constant accusations are ruing things for me. I tell my GF if she does not believe my contact my ex wife. But she won’t.

I have always deleted text messages. So it’s normal for me to delete daily. My GF sees that as a sign of hiding something.

I feel like my GF needs to back off about my EX. There is nothing going on so what does it matter if I keep text messsges or not?

I never hang out with my ex wife. My three boys know I have nothing going on with their mom. My family know the same. But my GF now has me labeled as a cheater and a liar based off deleting texts. Not answering calls in the past from my ex wife. And keeping her on DND.

I try and explain to my GF that deleting the texts could throw a red flag. But I have nothing going on with my EX.

I told my GF if she is going to keep accusing me we need to break it off. But she doesn’t want that. I tell my GF if you can’t or won’t trust me it’s OVER..!!! Because I can’t do constant accusations anymore.

Suggestions?

It would be a goodbuy from me. No way I would cope with that.

@DC228 You should start a separate thread of your own. You have posted on a thread of over a year old, which could lead to some confusion.

@DC228 you walk. You say you and GF have great chemistry and always laughing, well maybe at the beginning but it doesn't sound like that now - the mask has slipped. It's impossible to prove a negative with people like this and their paranoia will cause them to seize on anything, however innocent, as proof.

You've given the ultimatum, she hasn't changed, now follow through and leave her. Life is too short.

I will say what I have told relatives in similar situations- nothing, absolutely nothing, that you do to try and alleviate his concerns will ever, ever be enough. It is pointless even trying as there will then be something else they focus on - this applies mostly to accusations of cheating but can also to other areas they pick up on eg/ you don't show enough love or some other carp.
So you might stop the texts somehow, but then they will be concerned you were a bit late/saw you talking to someone/wearing inappropriate clothes - honestly it goes on ad infinitum.
I think often when accusing someone of cheating it's because you have/would do yourself, mostly though about control, but actually I don't think the reasons matter as much as the outcome - never pacifying their alleged fears and getting anxious, fearful, never able to relax, being at least somewhat, if not totally, under their control.
It's upto you whether you think it's worth discussing, trying to save the relationship, but honestly don't try to do it by trying to pacify apparent concerns - that never works long term.
Best of luck.

Sadly im currently in the same predicament. Its really sucks because when it's good he's my best friend since the moment I met him there's never been the idea of anyone else however learning about him he has spent his life cheating with married women and says everyone he has been with has cheated on him .. I have not lived my life that way...nor would I and his accusations are unfounded and undeserved. They come with zero fact. In fact I've gone as far to tell him he's welcome to show up at my job and at home anytime he likes and he has and nothing has ever happened. Because I don't do anything. I don't work anymore because of this and even though im home all the time oh and my vehicle is broke down and he has not fixed it even though I bought the part. Now all of the sudden he is finding his car unlocked in the morning and trunk open and says his stuff is all gone through. I told him to buy a camera he says he shouldn't have to. I told him to go get the battery on his key faux checked because he has been saying he locks his car and it's always unlocked he says it's not that. So basically I just said are you saying I did that he sort of said no im not accusing you but I know I locked my car and it was unlocked this morning. We are the only people here. So save that shit. He threw out a comment last night about i know about the guy with the beard? Im like who? He says I know and I said yeah beards are cool. Cuz fuck im sick of it. And I am isolated I don't take phone calls around him and I barely speak to mt kids and have no friends because of it. Im tired and im done I've tried everything nothing works.

@Nondillusional1oreg I think the answer to your question is in the post immediately above from @MsJinks .

This is a zombie thread but the advice is timeless:

"nothing, absolutely nothing, that you do to try and alleviate his concerns will ever, ever be enough. It is pointless even trying."

Your relationship is over. Please leave - you will regain your whole life - your relationships with your kids, your friends, your financial independence and your own freedom.

Yes, exactly as Xiaoxiong says. The advice above is the same for this scenario old or new (lack of trust without cause). You can't make someone learn to trust you. It's that belief that keeps people trying/ bashing their head against a brick wall.

So crazy because when he had nothing let him drive my new car al the time in fact even after he drove it like shit when he was angry several times. Today he is going to to the coast to visit his nephew and he rented a truck and he dropped me off at home then went and picked up his rental. Meaning im left at home no vehicle while he parked his at the rental place!! Yeah im out period i don't deserve thid shit believe Me I fully understand it was my mistake ever coming back without him earning it. Im not thr one! Im done