Page 2 | Partner keeps accusing me of cheating

Anonymous1012 · 2023-06-06T06:38:23+00:00

To put it out there I haven’t cheated nor never will but my partner has accused me a handful in the last year, most recently my phone went off twice during the night both who were girls I work with, he said it was dodgy and that it was guys not my friends, I offered to show him to prove I I wasn’t lying but he said no because I could just delete stuff, I work very early shifts hence why people I work with are up at that time 2/3am. I just don’t understand why he keeps accusing me, I did tell him I think he is insecure from past relationships as he has always been cheated on and he has done it once before when he was very young but just says has a gut feeling and it’s dodgy so he goes with that. has anyone experienced this if so what did you do?

LucyLongbody · 06/06/2023 09:18

I left.
Thank god it was before mobile phones.

He made my world so small that I didn't see my family for months.
He would accuse me of cheating if I wore make up, perfume, nice clothes etc.
I stopped going out with friends because it just wasn't worth the hassle.

If we went out together I could not speak to anyone, I learned that lesson with a black eye.

If I was 1 minute late home from work I was having sex with someone.

It was actually something totally unrelated that broke the camels back but my god, I felt like a great weight was lifted off me.

SavBlancTonight · 06/06/2023 09:19

Agree with all pp. It's a control technique to keep your world small. Ans whether he's doing it I purpose or a desperate attempt to manage his own insecurities and paranoia... doesn't matter. Its shitty behaviour.

And of course not all of his exes cheated on him. ExBil's new partner will be regaled of tales of SILs cheating behaviour, including apparently cheating on him with a woman. She's not even bi!!!!!

ShandaLear · 06/06/2023 09:27

He’s trying to isolate and control you. Next it’ll be trying to make you dress more modestly, not wear make up, not go anywhere alone, give up your job because he can support you both and wants to take care of you, only see the friends he ‘approves’ of…Then one day you’ll wake up, with a bunch of kids, no job, no friends or family, and you’re totally reliant on him.

TattyOne · 06/06/2023 09:27

Those who accuse others of cheating are usually the ones doing it themselves.

He sounds like a cry baby control freak. If he's not already doing it, sooner or later he'll try to control other parts of your life - what you can/can't wear, quit your job to be at home all the time, who you can/cant speak to, drive a wedge between you and family/friends etc. etc. His whole self-worshipping attitude is absolutely vile.

You shouldn't have to feel you need to show him your texts/calls, it's none of his business at all.

Dump him fast and tell him to go back to his crayons and mummy's apron strings!

Lkgcsr · 06/06/2023 09:31

I left my boyfriend who was like this; it wasn’t sustainable and sometimes it says more about what they’re doing than anything else

YoSof · 06/06/2023 09:40

My ex was like this. Mainly because he was fucking anything that moved behind my back.

He’s either cheating on you or he’s trying to control you, neither are good.

Don’t tie yourself in knots trying to prove yourself to him, his insecurity or deflection is not your problem to fix. I would leave.

Takeitonthechin · 06/06/2023 09:55

Call him out on it... tell him to stop being insecure. Tell him if he doesn't stop this, it will end the marriage and it will be his fault.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 06/06/2023 10:03

I've had this pretty much exact same scenario. Except he would display signs of cheating and other red flags, which I ignored as he was a 'nice guy'.

He would be uncontactable or text/call at set times. Was cagey with his phone when with him or pretended he wasn't.

He was always that guy who gets cheated on, the unlucky in love type. The guy who always seemed to go out of his way for ypu but actually never did.

He sounds like he's either setting you up to be controlled or he's the one cheating. No one is that insecure especially as you offered to show him the texts. And, this is something that sounds normal for you.

I work with a variety of ages from 14 to 70 in my direct team alone. I can get texts and calls at all hours. It's always been like this. To the point if I get a 3 am text on Friday night, H will say 'is that Jo again texting in hungover, uh sick for Saturday?'

How long have you guys been together?

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 10:39

Projection or he's a pathologically insecure, paranoid, jealous guy.

Also a control tactic covered by Lundy Bancroft in "why does he do that".

I bet he's not always been cheated on.

I bet he's cheated, or he accused them unfairly like you, or something.

Brefugee · 06/06/2023 10:41

I'd bin him off. Life's too short

Frogger8395 · 06/06/2023 10:43

He doesn’t think you’re cheating. He’s pretending to think you’re cheating so he can have conflict with you and emotionally abuse you.

An abusers mindset is it’s acceptable to be abusive if it’s justified. So they create justifications. What else is going on?

Get rid of him.

barbarahunter · 06/06/2023 10:47

Get rid of him, OP, he is making his insecurities your problem. My ex was like this, even if I washed my hair he'd say it was to attract a man. It's pathetic.

Kissedbyfire1 · 06/06/2023 10:49

MichaelAndEagle · 06/06/2023 07:41

Well to be honest, this was the thing that ultimately made me leave my ex DH.
With him, it was absolutely a control tactic. He wanted to make my life small.
I was accused any time I went out, when I got a new job etc.
It was unbearable and in the end unacceptable.

Same. It won’t get better.

billy1966 · 06/06/2023 11:15

Huge red flag.

Why are you tolerating this.

He is not a good man.

Dump him.

Things will only get worse.

Nicolette45 · 13/12/2023 01:32

He fell asleep with me but I woke up he's on the couch and I asked him why no response. I said it seems like you're guilty of talking to other girls. He accused me of cheating on him and that is why he is on the couch. Doesn't want to be touched all the time.

ChateauDuMont · 13/12/2023 08:04

I have noticed that cheaters are often the ones that act overly suspicious towards their partners and will accuse them of being a cheat on very little or no evidence.

It's extremely u likely that he will change.

NewUserName2023 · 13/12/2023 10:01

Projection or he's insecure. Bin him and brighten your life!

perfectcolourfound · 13/12/2023 11:43

This is his problem. Not yours. You've done nothing wrong. He's either doing this as he wants to control you, and to make your life smaller so he's the only thing in it, or he's deflecting because he's having / had / considering an affair. Another option is genuine paranoia / projecting based on previous experiences.

None of the above are acceptable, you don't have to live with it.

Helplesslyhopeless · 21/03/2024 01:23

That’s what I’ve done and it still doesn’t help. I never leave the house and didn’t even have a phone until today and I still get accused daily. There are cameras outside the house he refuses to look at because he says he is “scared of what he will see” which would be nothing but proof I’m innocent. He only leaves my side when he goes to work which is across the street from our apartment so he can see it 24:7 and still doesn’t believe me. He claims people stare at me and that’s my fault because I let tgem think I want them by not shutting them down or that I flirt back by looking at them when I don’t even know who these people are or if they actually exist? I’m scared to get a job because I already know what will happen and now it’s gotten to the point where I’m losing my grip on my mental stability and just want to scream. He insults me and calls me a whore and embarrassed me all the time and I’m scared to be in public for what accusations he will come up with next

Codlingmoths · 21/03/2024 01:32

If you’re with someone like this (and you’re not cheating) then the only response is ‘it sounds like your gut is telling you not to be in a relationship with me. I understand, my gut certainly tells me not to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me. Let’s discuss the practicalities tonight.’

ThisGoldHedgehog · 21/03/2024 02:41

Helplesslyhopeless · 21/03/2024 01:23

That’s what I’ve done and it still doesn’t help. I never leave the house and didn’t even have a phone until today and I still get accused daily. There are cameras outside the house he refuses to look at because he says he is “scared of what he will see” which would be nothing but proof I’m innocent. He only leaves my side when he goes to work which is across the street from our apartment so he can see it 24:7 and still doesn’t believe me. He claims people stare at me and that’s my fault because I let tgem think I want them by not shutting them down or that I flirt back by looking at them when I don’t even know who these people are or if they actually exist? I’m scared to get a job because I already know what will happen and now it’s gotten to the point where I’m losing my grip on my mental stability and just want to scream. He insults me and calls me a whore and embarrassed me all the time and I’m scared to be in public for what accusations he will come up with next

You need to contact Women’s Aid. Please. This is one of the scariest things I’ve ever read. This man is going to kill you.

ImTheFemmeOne · 21/03/2024 03:00

Helplesslyhopeless · 21/03/2024 01:23

That’s what I’ve done and it still doesn’t help. I never leave the house and didn’t even have a phone until today and I still get accused daily. There are cameras outside the house he refuses to look at because he says he is “scared of what he will see” which would be nothing but proof I’m innocent. He only leaves my side when he goes to work which is across the street from our apartment so he can see it 24:7 and still doesn’t believe me. He claims people stare at me and that’s my fault because I let tgem think I want them by not shutting them down or that I flirt back by looking at them when I don’t even know who these people are or if they actually exist? I’m scared to get a job because I already know what will happen and now it’s gotten to the point where I’m losing my grip on my mental stability and just want to scream. He insults me and calls me a whore and embarrassed me all the time and I’m scared to be in public for what accusations he will come up with next

Start making plans to get out. Life is far too short to be that miserable xx

Fargo79 · 21/03/2024 03:15

I can remember reading about this bloke whose wife was so jealous and paranoid that he wasn't allowed to speak to anyone - even his own family members - without her supervision. If he went to the shop for a pint of milk, he had to be talking on his mobile to her for the entire time he was out so she could be sure he wasn't talking to or meeting anyone else. Literally from when he walked out of the door until he walked back in. And sometimes he'd get in trouble because it was a female shop assistant who served him.

I doubt very much that she started this from day 1. She probably started off doing the kind of stuff your boyfriend is doing. Things can escalate and control creeps in. I'd knock this relationship on the head. This guy isn't ready for a healthy relationship, or maybe even capable of one at all.

Oblomov24 · 21/03/2024 05:21

The worrying thing is that you even need to ask. If you don't know that this isn't normal, then you need emotional help and support. Please speak to GP, arrange some counselling, read some self help books.

SavBlancTonight · 21/03/2024 08:51

@Helplesslyhopeless YOu're not the OP are you? I think you should start your own thread. But really, th important thing here is that what your H is doing is not okay and you are in danger. I agree, call Women's Aid asap.