One night stand

[brokenintwo]

I have name changed for this, but I would really appreciate your thoughts on this as I can't talk to anyone about this in real life just yet as it is still too raw.

I separated from my exh 9 years ago. I found out he was up to all sorts on nights out, literally everything you wouldn't want your husband to be doing he was doing. Once we had split up it took me years to even think about being involved with anyone again as I had such a distrust of men. 3 years ago though I started to think that maybe it would be nice to start dating again so signed up for OLD and met some nice people but nothing that rocked my world. But then a year in I met someone who I really thought could be something special.

From our very first date he has been 100% reliable and 100% committed to the relationship. If I texted he would text back straight away, I never had to doubt or second guess he was always really emotionally open and made it very clear how much he liked me. We have been together just over two years now.

We always got on really well, met each others friends and then also each others kids and it was all going so well. His mum told me it was the happiest she had ever seen him.

He has been going through a bit of a problem at work and for the last week he had seemed a bit distracted, but still always told me he loved me, that he was just tired because of the stress at work. And then this morning first thing in the morning while we were still in bed, as soon as I woke up he said he had to tell my something. To cut a long story short one night last week he went out for a drink after work and someone came on to him and he ended up having sex with her.

I am so shocked and devastated by this. We had planned our future together and to throw it all away for a quick shag is so painful for me. I can't stress enough how he is the last person you would think would do this. But that almost makes it worse, we were very happy, had a good sex life, it was all going so great. The fact that he could cheat on me when we were great makes it more painful.

I just want to know if there could be any way to come back from this. I think no, but just wanted to tell someone because I am so sad. I know you will be reading this thinking Well he obviously didn't really love you or this wouldn't have happened, and I can understand that you would think that, but I still think that he did, maybe I am stupid.

It sounds like it's the end.
You'd never be able to trust him again.

Dump and run. He fucking blew it. You're smart enough to know that there's no second chance to give after this.

You'll never trust him again, it'll eat away at you over time and will kill the relationship anyway.
Like you say, the relationship was going well I'd cut my losses personally but that's just me

So painful

What do you want to do? Has he told you why? Has he said the balls in Your court? Is he remorseful? Has he told you the details or do you not want to know who and where etc?

It's really your decision. I couldn't get passed it but that's just me. I would struggle with trust and probably not be very nice to him, insist on checking his phone, be a wreck whenever he went out so it's a no from me. But only you know how or if you can handle this

He's a fucking idiot!!

I totally understand you wanting to think you can get over it and move on with the future you planned. I tried, they were a miserable two years and then Ivstill had to deal with the break up. It did a lot of damage 'trying' to get over it.

I know it's sad & hard, but frankly, it's just not worth putting yourself through trying to get over it & not trusting him. Just think how insecure you'll feel as you get older ir if you become unwell etc. if he can't be faithful now, realky, there's no chance going forward.

id tell his mum too, the real reason you're breaking up with him. Not vindictively, but she doesn't need him moping about, blaming you for breaking his heart.

im sorry, it's so painful 💐

I’m so sorry op, but no I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. You’ll never trust him again, how could you. He blew it. He blew it for a quick shag. You deserve more.

It’s the trust issue. You could carry on, even get back close to how you were BUT at the back of your mind you would always wonder … He’s late home tonight- is he doing it again? Couples do come back from this kind of betrayal but it’s your decision whether to begin that tortuous journey.

“To a woman sex is everything. To a man it’s a thing apart.”

You are currently in shock. That is completely understandable.

I think you can get through this if he’s prepared to be open and honest with your questions, is contrite, appears truly sorry and shows his regret in every way you need and expect.

I would say don’t throw baby out with the bath water. Give yourself time. Little things will trigger you so he needs to understand you might get anxious, angry, and generally out of sorts. When that happens he needs to be understanding and supportive and keep that up for however long it takes.

Give yourself time to come to terms with his bad behaviour and see how it goes. If it truly was a mad, one off stupid experience on his part, hopefully you can calm down and slowly rebuild your trust. Others will tell you to dump him asap but I would counsel you to take your time and keep the lines of communication open between you. That might help you to make a considered move one way or the other. 💐

Ah sweetheart, that's mind-blowing isn't it? That trust, it doesn't come back. Even though what happened was so fleeting, so irrelevant..what happens when you go through a bad patch, or a celebration or anytime he wants a drink. Possibly nothing, but your head will do somersaults wondering.
It hurts. It hurts like hell. But you know what has to happen...

I don't think he values you or your relationship enough. If you forgive him what's stopping him from doing it again?
I never forget a married man coming on to me, He appeared to be the perfect husband to many, l knew he was married and pulled him up on it, He laughed and said when he gets caught his wife refuses to do his washing for a couple of weeks, l will never forget his audacity but that's how entitled a lot of men are.

I don't think it means he doesn't love you, it means he was an idiot and felt bad enough to risk it all by being honest with you when you'd have probably never found out. That shows he does I think, but in no way does it excuse his actions.

It will be hard to trust him now and I do feel that for me personally cheating is a red line deal breaker, he's ruined it. Everyone is different though, people do carry on after one has cheated.

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your replies although it is really hard to hear.

He was really sad about it, he cried and I also have to give it to him that he told me about it, even knowing that it would probably be the end for me, because if he hadn't told me I wouldn't have suspected that in a million years. He gave me the details too when I asked 🤢

He said it was a moment of madness.

I've never had a partner like that before, he was there for the fun but also all the boring shit, the trips to the dump, worked in my garden on his days off, let me run the relationship at my own pace (I was very mindful about my DC and a new relationship). I'm just absolutely gutted.

“To a woman sex is everything. To a man it’s a thing apart.”

Really? As a man of slightly more advanced years I can assure you that is not true.

I dont believe that because someone cheats it does mean the end of a relationship, but and its a massive but it depends on a lot of things.

I dont think its always as black and white, but only you know where your line is.

I would certainly take some time to think about what you want and whether you think the relationship can come back from it. If you would be able to forgive and move on, or whether everytime he was late back or went to the pub you would be sat there thinking he is having sex with someone else

Whilst I appreciate he has been honest and upfront with you and admitted he did all this, if you take him back he might see it as you being weak and vulnerable and that you’re happy to forgive him after he’s cheated. I’d be worried about him doing it again after that as there are no consequences to his actions if you have forgiven him. I’d also be wondering why he admitted it? Was he really guilty and felt that he had to fess up? Or has someone found out/ saw him with this woman and either threatened to tell you or he’s scared that they would tell you. There are not many men who actually admit to cheating unless there was a risk of them finding out via a 3rd party if I’m honest.

Also, you need to look at how you’d feel when he goes on a night out again? Because you will never be able to trust him again. He didn’t respect you or your feelings when he was shagging this woman and if he’s using the excuse that he was ‘stressed’ then it is a common excuse unfortunately’

No, I really think it was just eating him up and he had to tell me. I wouldn't have found out, he lives in a different town to me and we do all our socialising where I live, I don't know anyone where he lives. I was about to say that there was no way that he told me because if a third person, but 24 hours ago I would have said there was no way he would ever have cheated so, I guess now I have to be open to being wrong about other things too.

But I definitely agree that if he could do that then we were very happy because of stress then what hope have I got the rest of the time. I was looking back at the messages we sent each other that night and the next morning and they were so loving, what an absolute mug I am

You won’t be the first person who has a bf who seemed to ‘loving’ around the time they cheated. This is why it’s so hard to even think they’d do such a thing. They all seem so ‘loving’ but he thought nothing of texting you that night and the morning after all full of roses and being loving after what he was about to do and had just done. I do appreciate the honesty he has shown but I would never be able to trust him again if he went out.

It certainly wasn't a 'moment of madness' It was a moment of choice he made. All this is it meant nothing bollocks is exactly that. That being the case it wouldn't hurt so much. He's a greedy twat because in that moment you meant nothing. So sad when you invest so much of yourself in something and it turns out shite. I honestly think it should be criminalised, perhaps then people might think twice about about a one night stand!

People make mistakes…especially when alcohol is involved. My behaviour is always completely out of control with alcohol. Thankfully, I don’t go for drinks anymore, or this could be me. It wouldn’t be because I wanted to cheat, or there was something lacking in my relationship, but simply because I was pissed.
He hasn’t had an affair, or breathed a second relationship, he’s fucked up!

If there was no risk to you finding out and he was 100% sure he wouldn't do it again and it was a pure moment of madness.( Did he use protection? If he did were they hers or his? I'm asking to see if there was premeditated intent on his part.)

Why would he tell you, if theres no risk (stds or finding out)? Why transfer that hurt and betrayal over to you? It simply doesn't make sense. There's something missing in his narrative.

Guilt is one thing and sometimes it's best to carry it yourself. Is he looking to end the relationship?

IF I ever did cheat on my H and in whatever circumstances. I would never ever admit to it. I've been cheated on and knowing and being able to see it with hindsight has changed my view and damaged my trust on so many levels. I couldn't do that to someone else. Its the most soul destroying thing to be confronted with.

Personally, I couldn't come back from this as others have said it will always be in the background. Is it worth trying to pursue and trying to recover with him or is it better to cut your losses and move on as hard as that will be?

Ypu do need time to think this through. I hope he can give you time and space. Sorry you're facing this.

I also get drunk though. I have a bf and on my last night out, I’d had all sorts to drink and was extremely drunk and a guy started chatting me up and made a pass at me. Did I sleep with him? No! Because I knew even at my drunkest point, the difference between right and wrong. Had I had anything else to drink that night I would have been in such a state that I’d not have even been physically able to have sex anyway. And there goes the tipping point between being drunk and knowing what you’re doing and being drunk and not being able to physically do anything other than pass out.

He was well aware of what he was doing in that ‘moment of madness’ and can’t have been that drunk for him to remember it all and recall all the gory details when op asked him, otherwise he physically would not have been able to have sex at all.

Have to say I agree with this. It certainly wasn’t guilt. He wasn’t guilty when he was shagging her so why the guilt all of a sudden.

He didn't slip his penis into someone accidentally - it took effort and thought and an element of planning even if it was up some side street - he had many opportunities to not do it and at every one chose to carry on.

My mind works in black and white. Of someone can do that to me then they can do it again and therefore there is no trust. It would have to be the end for me.

I agree with @Milkand2sugarsplease although just the 1 sugar for me ;-)

He made a choice and unfortunately that wasn't you, and your relationship.

If was me I would dump him. Trust has gone. Its not a mistake it was a choice and a choice he made without a second thought for you. Booze cant be to blame, like op said Ive been drunk and hit on and still know its wrong to go there. I've dumped two partners now for cheating and I will keep dumping men if i find out they're cheating in years to come. I sadly have not yet met 1 man who hasn't cheated and I'm talking about even my dad and brother have done it. It wrecks lives.