One night stand

[brokenintwo]

I have name changed for this, but I would really appreciate your thoughts on this as I can't talk to anyone about this in real life just yet as it is still too raw.

I separated from my exh 9 years ago. I found out he was up to all sorts on nights out, literally everything you wouldn't want your husband to be doing he was doing. Once we had split up it took me years to even think about being involved with anyone again as I had such a distrust of men. 3 years ago though I started to think that maybe it would be nice to start dating again so signed up for OLD and met some nice people but nothing that rocked my world. But then a year in I met someone who I really thought could be something special.

From our very first date he has been 100% reliable and 100% committed to the relationship. If I texted he would text back straight away, I never had to doubt or second guess he was always really emotionally open and made it very clear how much he liked me. We have been together just over two years now.

We always got on really well, met each others friends and then also each others kids and it was all going so well. His mum told me it was the happiest she had ever seen him.

He has been going through a bit of a problem at work and for the last week he had seemed a bit distracted, but still always told me he loved me, that he was just tired because of the stress at work. And then this morning first thing in the morning while we were still in bed, as soon as I woke up he said he had to tell my something. To cut a long story short one night last week he went out for a drink after work and someone came on to him and he ended up having sex with her.

I am so shocked and devastated by this. We had planned our future together and to throw it all away for a quick shag is so painful for me. I can't stress enough how he is the last person you would think would do this. But that almost makes it worse, we were very happy, had a good sex life, it was all going so great. The fact that he could cheat on me when we were great makes it more painful.

I just want to know if there could be any way to come back from this. I think no, but just wanted to tell someone because I am so sad. I know you will be reading this thinking Well he obviously didn't really love you or this wouldn't have happened, and I can understand that you would think that, but I still think that he did, maybe I am stupid.

I do think it's possible to be a weak person and get drunk, get talking to someone and end up sleeping with them, even if you're hopelessly in love with your partner. They're just too weak to resist temptation when it's offered to them

This isn't on you OP, you're not a mug, you believed your partner loved you and he probably does.

That said, I wouldnt be able to forgive this. If he's done it once, then he's shown you what he's capable of, and he'll probably do it again. The relationship would be over for me.

Definitely not a moment of madness. I’ve had one night stands both drunk and sober and you definitely know what you’re doing. The only way you wouldn’t know is if someone slipped you a date rape drug and you were out of it.

It just sounds so hard to believe (I believe you, I mean his explanation.) I know there are men in perfectly happy relationships that have affairs, the have their cake and eat it type. But his explanation just sounds so odd.

His narrative is sort of missing any kind of catalyst. If he'd been fired, if he had had some bad news, if you two had had an argument, if he'd been blind drunk I could understand (though not condone) the total personality switch and sudden complete loss of morals. But the way he tells it he's in a loving relationship, all is fine, he'd never cheat, then he walks into a pub and suddenly he isn't, then he has sex with a random woman, then he comes home and is suddenly a moral loving man again. Where's the precipitating event? What's the actual reason? Whst triggered this apparent switch in his brain? Without knowing this you can never know he won't do it again.

I also doubt he was all that ‘stressed’ either tbh. A lot of them seem to pull the ‘stressed’ card as an excuse for cheating! The last thing I’d want to do when I’m stressed is have sex with a random stranger. Mind you op, it may explain him being ‘distracted’ lately - probably due to him sniffing around another woman perhaps?

And even if he was stressed, he knew how to stop himself if he had wanted to. Absolutely no excuse for what he’s done at all.

Could have even been someone from a dating app/ hookup site, who knows

Actually that makes more sense. The story of a random woman in a pub isn't highly believable. My instinct is that he was out with a friend, maybe messaging someone and they arranged to meet in the pub.

Op, how did you meet him?

Btw, it isn't you...just another untruthful, unfaithful, weak man

I'm wondering if he told you because he wants your relationship to end but doesn't have the courage to end it himself.

I have spoken to him today and asked if he knew her and he says he didn't, that he went to that pub as it is off the high street and it is quieter (this is true). But yes, @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight without knowing what was the catalyst then it will always be an open door for it to happen again. There is nothing about his behaviour before to make me think he was hiding something, would pass me his phone, spent his free time with me, but anyway, I can't understand and he said that he can't understand it. He said he is going to speak to a councellor / therapist because he doesn't want to be the person who cheats. He has begged me to give him another chance but for me, right now, the door is closed.

I am going to leave this thread now, I keep saying it but, really thank you all for taking the time to reply, for your advice, sympathy and to those who have been through similar things, I am so sorry. 💐

That's heartbreaking.

Where did he have sex with her ? Did they walk all the way back to his house ? If so then he had plenty of time to think about what he was going to do.

The guy that cheated on me and with me (there was overlap, I'm not proud of it. Not on my side but ibwas aware and agywr we ended I found out about more lapping in his past) absolutely stated he didn't want to be that guy....he was and is that guy. The type to always have been unlucky in love, the guy who was always getting cheated on...In short the nice guy, the generous type, the kind to always be there...

Be wary. I can guarantee you, this won't be a one off, and hes probably gotten away with it before. ( with you or others)And, if it was his first time cheating...I think once you've done it once it becomes easier to delude yourself and the second time isn't as hard. And, it seems this time wasn't very difficult either. The fact that his contact with you didn't change and his msgs remained the same is huge, huge red flag. How could he do that and still treat you the way and then do a complete 180 and say he feels guilty? There's so much more going on. You'll never get the full truth from him. The more you question him the more unbelievable it will become. He will lose track of his story.

I hope you're OK and can work a way through this with as little pain as possible. Not all men are assholes, you've just managed to find one who up until now was good at hiding it.