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Original poster

One night stand

59 replies

brokenintwo · 03/06/2023 21:30

I have name changed for this, but I would really appreciate your thoughts on this as I can't talk to anyone about this in real life just yet as it is still too raw.

I separated from my exh 9 years ago. I found out he was up to all sorts on nights out, literally everything you wouldn't want your husband to be doing he was doing. Once we had split up it took me years to even think about being involved with anyone again as I had such a distrust of men. 3 years ago though I started to think that maybe it would be nice to start dating again so signed up for OLD and met some nice people but nothing that rocked my world. But then a year in I met someone who I really thought could be something special.

From our very first date he has been 100% reliable and 100% committed to the relationship. If I texted he would text back straight away, I never had to doubt or second guess he was always really emotionally open and made it very clear how much he liked me. We have been together just over two years now.

We always got on really well, met each others friends and then also each others kids and it was all going so well. His mum told me it was the happiest she had ever seen him.

He has been going through a bit of a problem at work and for the last week he had seemed a bit distracted, but still always told me he loved me, that he was just tired because of the stress at work. And then this morning first thing in the morning while we were still in bed, as soon as I woke up he said he had to tell my something. To cut a long story short one night last week he went out for a drink after work and someone came on to him and he ended up having sex with her.

I am so shocked and devastated by this. We had planned our future together and to throw it all away for a quick shag is so painful for me. I can't stress enough how he is the last person you would think would do this. But that almost makes it worse, we were very happy, had a good sex life, it was all going so great. The fact that he could cheat on me when we were great makes it more painful.

I just want to know if there could be any way to come back from this. I think no, but just wanted to tell someone because I am so sad. I know you will be reading this thinking Well he obviously didn't really love you or this wouldn't have happened, and I can understand that you would think that, but I still think that he did, maybe I am stupid.

OP posts:
UCknowitall · 04/06/2023 04:54

Everyone is different. How they react to this type of thing is also different. The problem with forums like this is that they create a sort of 'hive mind' where certain behaviours are deemed unacceptable and transgressions are subject to black & white responses , There is no room for nuance.

If he had been cheating for weeks/months/years then I would agree that dumping him is a no brainer. My reason for this is because there would have been a relationship formed with the other person - that betrayed and made a nonsense of the relationship I thought I had.

A ONS is not the same thing at all. It's a pure physical exchange. With none of the investment. He also admitted it.

I would not make it easy and he would need to do some serious making amends, with the clear understanding that one chance is all he gets. but not to forgive based on all you have said about him / your relationship .. would be cutting your nose off to spite your face .

whiteroseredrose · 04/06/2023 06:40

I always said that a drunken ONS would not necessarily be the end of my marriage.

And that was to a friend whose DH did cheat briefly. They worked through it and are happy together 10 years later.

But by that stage DH and I had been together several years, were married and had DC. Our relationship was about more than just us.

After just a couple of years I'm not so sure as you're still in the honeymoon phase. That would be the end for me.

Original poster
brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 07:28

Thanks again for your comments and kind words.

He didn't use protection (so that's another thing I have to worry about now). His ex wife cheated on him (she's still with the guy) and after what happened to me and my exh we spoke a lot about trust and how important it was to us both.

I did say that it felt like he did it to break up with me as it really doesn't make sense but he said that no, he would do anything for us to get over this and make it work still.

But one of the things I really loved about him was how safe I felt with him, how loved I felt, my friends even joked a bit about it as he was so dependable and (seemed) so devoted. But now without these things and without the trust I don't even recognise this relationship any more. I keep thinking how much life can change within 24 hours, everything I thought and felt totally turned on its head.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 04/06/2023 07:42

Op, trust will be gone...was this a work colleague?

Original poster
brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 07:46

No, a complete random in the pub...

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 07:49

He went to a pub with a work friend and they had a few drinks. He got on the train home and said that he felt like having another drink so stopped in at a pub on the way home and said that she came and sat with him

OP posts:
AlienSupaStar · 04/06/2023 07:51

Oh OP @brokenintwo I am so sorry this has happened. He ruined it.

It really is your decision and only you know what you can put up with but for me personally I couldn’t stay. He has just ruined everything and for me it would never be the same. It’s like when you put food colouring in white icing - you can tweak the colour depth etc but it will never go back to white. It just wouldn’t be the same for me and like PP said every night out would be torturous for me.

I also don’t like that he said “she came onto me” - as if he has no autonomy over his body parts.

I am so sorry this happened. Be kind to yourself.

Peonyfun · 04/06/2023 08:06

I’d also suspect he’s done this so you end it, of course he’s not going ti admit that. If he didn’t wish it to end he’d do everything to make sure you never found out.

I’m afraid to say I don’t think he’s as into the relationship as you are, well clearly he’s not. He’s not only went with someone else. He’s cruelly told you the details then cried, knowing it would make you end it

if you don’t, then he will do something else. Or he will now realise he can shag around and uou will take it. He will loose respect for you for it.

it’s over. I’m sorry,

Zenana · 04/06/2023 08:26

There's also the consideration that he's done it before and not told you. He can't be trusted and what's worse is he knew what your ex did and he still went ahead and screwed a stranger.

I couldn't stay with him.

Mumofnarnia · 04/06/2023 08:34

brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 07:49

He went to a pub with a work friend and they had a few drinks. He got on the train home and said that he felt like having another drink so stopped in at a pub on the way home and said that she came and sat with him

Somehow I don’t believe that. From your update I now think it may have been a work colleague who he slept with OR that he called in the pub on the way home for a reason.

I cannot imagine why he would want to go to a pub on his own and some random woman just happened to come and sit next to him. What a coincidence!

Ansjovis · 04/06/2023 08:35

That would be the end for me, 100% The lack of protection is the final nail in the coffin. He could have fathered a baby or picked up any number of STDs. Have you had unprotected (assuming that in a long term relationship you're using non-condom birth control) sex with him since the ONS? If yes then you need to get yourself a full STD check at least twice to check you haven't caught anything. Cheating is one thing but then going on to expose you to STD risk is an even bigger show of contempt for me.

clpsmum · 04/06/2023 08:37

It would be the end for me. Sorry he did this and you're going through this OP. Please don't settle

Changeforachange · 04/06/2023 08:43

I agreed - it sounds off & unbelievable. My spider senses would be saying someone from work.

And I wonder if the 'guilt' has arrived because she's tried to get in touch to continue the affair.

Sorry OP, he's been an absolute bellend.
I'd try & feel more angry than sad right now just to get me through this part.

I hope you're okay & have some support.

MayBeee · 04/06/2023 08:43

If you've had sex since then , get yourself tested .
Personally that would be it for me , it sounded very grubby and seedy so I'd have the 100% ick with him.

NotTodaySatanIHavePMS · 04/06/2023 08:59

brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 07:49

He went to a pub with a work friend and they had a few drinks. He got on the train home and said that he felt like having another drink so stopped in at a pub on the way home and said that she came and sat with him

Sorry but this is complete bollocks.

He's been shagging someone from work and now the shit's hit the fan and he's had to fess up to you. She probably threatened to tell you so he got in there first with his unbelievable story.

I can't see that there's any way back from this. Unfortunately I think he probably never was the person you thought he was.

Pollywoddles · 04/06/2023 09:00

I don’t buy that explanation either, it’s all too random.

rainydaysandtuesday · 04/06/2023 09:02

The fact he has told you is not a positive though

He has off loaded his guilt and passed the burden to you

He is weak and doesn't deserve you

Dery · 04/06/2023 09:03

I’m so sorry this has happened, OP. I also don’t believe the “she came on to him” story and so what if she did - he didn’t have to sleep with her. And the fact that neither used protection - what kind of moron has condomless sex with a stranger? And he did this 2 years in when all was fabulous between you, apparently because he was a bit stressed at work. Millions of people get stressed at work or by life generally; they don’t all shag other people. I don’t see how you can come back from this. I’m sorry, OP. How heartbreaking for you.

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/06/2023 09:12

In the bin with this one OP! You deserve better.

magneticmoon · 04/06/2023 09:14

His story is ludicrous, that isn't the truth.

Mumofnarnia · 04/06/2023 09:16

Yep the more I think about it the more I think that he’s not being fully truthful. He’s basically trying to put all the blame on this woman (like all cheats tend to do). Why on earth would he go to the pub on his own after he had already been out, sit at a table and another woman just happened to come and sit with him, flirt with him and come on to him and then they just happened to have ‘meaningless’ sex! I mean I’m not saying no woman would ever do this but it’s unlikely, I find that a lot of men who are out on their own in pubs and bars are there purely on the pull and they seem to spend their night just staring at women. I saw this just last week when I was out with my friends!
I very much doubt it was one sided and she did all this on her own. It takes 2 to tango and he most likely will have had an awful lot of involvement in the ‘flirting’ stage!

OR

The most likely scenario is that it was in fact a work colleague and he’s trying to downplay it by claiming it was some random in a pub and it ‘meant nothing’!

I also think that he has confessed to you not out of guilt or remorse but that he knew there’s a good chance that you might have found out, either by catching an STI or the person who he shagged may have thought there was more to it than meaningless sex. He may have even told her about you and she may have contacted him again to try and continue seeing him and he’s worried that you will find out.

Original poster
brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 09:28

Oh god it is so gutting, but I think you all might be right. I wasn't even imagining that as a possibility so didn't even question it, but the more I think about the story, it is actually worse then I said originally just because I wasn't looking at it from this angle so didn't actually think about the detail but he said: He was out for drinks, got the train home, got all the way home and then felt like another drink, left home and went back to a pub (one that is by the station so he would have walked past at least 5 other pubs to get to this one).

You are right, it doesn't make any sense, maybe he saw someone he knew when he walked past the pub and then got home and kept thinking about it and decided to go and see what happened. I think I have to face this reality even though it is completely at odds to everything I believed about him / us.

And yes, I had unprotected sex with him since so will have to get tested too.

Thanks again for your comments , the situation with my exh made me feel like such a fool because of my naivety, at least now I feel like my eyes are opened 💔

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 04/06/2023 09:37

brokenintwo · 04/06/2023 09:28

Oh god it is so gutting, but I think you all might be right. I wasn't even imagining that as a possibility so didn't even question it, but the more I think about the story, it is actually worse then I said originally just because I wasn't looking at it from this angle so didn't actually think about the detail but he said: He was out for drinks, got the train home, got all the way home and then felt like another drink, left home and went back to a pub (one that is by the station so he would have walked past at least 5 other pubs to get to this one).

You are right, it doesn't make any sense, maybe he saw someone he knew when he walked past the pub and then got home and kept thinking about it and decided to go and see what happened. I think I have to face this reality even though it is completely at odds to everything I believed about him / us.

And yes, I had unprotected sex with him since so will have to get tested too.

Thanks again for your comments , the situation with my exh made me feel like such a fool because of my naivety, at least now I feel like my eyes are opened 💔

Yup it’s bullshit op. If he walked past 5 other pubs to get to that specific pub then it’s probably not a case of he ‘just fancied another drink’. More than likely that he had arranged to meet someone at that particular pub. Could have even been someone from a dating app/ hookup site, who knows.
Either way, it sounds like he went out searching for it. His story doesn’t add up at all and it’s certainly not as innocent as he’s claiming it to be.

If he fancied another drink he could have easily bought a drink from the shop and drank it at home. Not go all the way back out and pass 5 other pubs just because he fancied another drink!

WildestDreamsSunset · 04/06/2023 10:00

Are you sure he went home & then went back out again? It would make more sense that he got off train & went to the pub by the station. You’ve had a lot to take in -maybe he wasn’t clear on some details..

Also, I go out a lot, and there are plenty of women who will befriend a lone man … chat someone up in a bar.

Keitharingsbitch · 04/06/2023 10:14

It's not a moment of madness though is it. Sex takes more than a moment.

It's also not like you just met, it sounds like you've been together for at least a year? So in a proper relationship not just dating. There's no way to come back. If he knows he can bet away with it now he'll fo it again. Also the trust is absolutely fine. Get rid.

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