Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oral sex in new relationship

64 replies

guineacup · 03/06/2023 12:48

Although I've always used a condom for PIV sex in a new relationship or encounter, I've never used any kind of dam or other barrier for oral sex. None of my sexual partners (women - I'm a man btw) have objected or brought up the issue. Am I being reckless or are the risks sufficiently small so as not to be an issue? I'd be interested in people's views.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 03/06/2023 15:30

Honestly, it's not something I've considered in terms of sexual health

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 15:51

Yes it's a massive risk. You can transmit and catch quite a few STDs in this way. If you want to minimise your risk to infection, you need to use a damn or condom even for oral sex. It's rubbish, but unfortunately the risks are there.

Nutterjacks · 03/06/2023 16:04

Look what happened to Michael Douglas...

amp.theguardian.com/film/2013/jun/02/michael-douglas-oral-sex-cancer

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 03/06/2023 16:04

Yep, I know someone who caught herpes as her partner went down on her when he had a cold sore

HSV1Variant · 03/06/2023 16:07

An ex gave me HSV1 (cold sores) genitally from oral sex. They didn't tell me they had a "cold sore tingle" at the time. If you don't mind catching herpes carry on without protection.

continentallentil · 03/06/2023 16:51

I certainly don't think you are alone..

As to how much of a risk - some. Do a google for the actual figures.

Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 16:59

I don't think many people - men or women - use protection for oral sex. There are risks but most people do not like the feel or taste of condoms / dental dams in their mouths and it makes it hard to perform oral sex well with a layer of latex between your mouth and the genital organ.

Obviously it is safer sex to use something but it seems to be a risk that most are willing to take.

Original poster
guineacup · 03/06/2023 19:11

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 03/06/2023 16:04

Yep, I know someone who caught herpes as her partner went down on her when he had a cold sore

Most people have herpes in their systems.... having looked it up, 3.7 billion or 67% have type 1 and 13% have type 2 (genital one), and I know I've had it, so if that's the main concern, it's not really a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
guineacup · 03/06/2023 19:16

Nutterjacks · 03/06/2023 16:04

Given that 80% of people will contract HPV in their lifetimes, you've probably got to make your peace with getting it if you have sex, oral or otherwise.

www.yorkshirecancerresearch.org.uk/insights/hpv-explained

OP posts:
Original poster
guineacup · 03/06/2023 19:18

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 15:51

Yes it's a massive risk. You can transmit and catch quite a few STDs in this way. If you want to minimise your risk to infection, you need to use a damn or condom even for oral sex. It's rubbish, but unfortunately the risks are there.

From what I can see, the main risk is HPV and herpes, both of which most of us have had/ currently have dormant... So unless there's anything else significant, to call the risk "massive" seems to be a huge overstatement!

OP posts:
Redcliffe1 · 03/06/2023 19:40

I never have for oral sex. I have cold sores sometimes and just avoid going down on anyone when I have an outbreak.

ThereIbledit · 03/06/2023 21:37

Most people have herpes in their systems.... having looked it up, 3.7 billion or 67% have type 1 and 13% have type 2 (genital one), and I know I've had it, so if that's the main concern, it's not really a problem.

In the UK I believe that figure is lower.

HPV can affect a woman's fertility. It can give us cervical cancer, which can be deadly. If it shows up on a smear test you're on annual testing not every 3 years, and smear tests range from unpleasant to painful and traumatic depending on the individual. Fuck all is talked about it's prevalence, transmission and consequences, but I believe it should be. You can get free sexual health testing including to check if you have HPV (blood test) before you sleep with or go down on a new partner.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/06/2023 21:50

If with a new partner I wouldn't do that personally risk my sexual health without first seeing a clear std test.

I know they don't test for hsv or warts but I feel better knowing that the rest is clear.

You can also get thrush, gonorrhoea and chlamydia, syphilis etc orally and at the back of your throat. Any mucous membranes can be affected by those. They are also getting harder to treat with antibiotic resistance building in the general population.

It comes down to trust, oneness and brutal honesty. If you can't or feel like you're not able to have that discussion with a new partner they clearly aren't bothered. Also, worth having the 'what if, pregnancy?' Chat.

PrivateMolecule0 · 03/06/2023 22:32

There is some risk, but there is a risk to all sex.

A big part of giving oral sex to a bloke is the conclusion, which has many emotional as well as physical results. The good news is that a lot of those are positive!

Pteryl · 03/06/2023 22:52

I think it would be better to ask your partner what they wanted rather than a random group of strangers on the internet.

Theos · 03/06/2023 22:55

Pteryl · 03/06/2023 22:52

I think it would be better to ask your partner what they wanted rather than a random group of strangers on the internet.

Mate.

Original poster
guineacup · 03/06/2023 23:01

Pteryl · 03/06/2023 22:52

I think it would be better to ask your partner what they wanted rather than a random group of strangers on the internet.

Eh? Am I not allowed to have an opinion on what I want? The purpose of this thread was to work out whether I was being reckless or reasonable in not using barriers/condoms for oral sex. If a sexual partner wanted to, I'd expect them to say so!

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/06/2023 23:11

In short sir, yes you are being reckless to a degree. Anyone who doesn't use some sort of barrier method without knowing their partner is clean is taking a risk.

And, this is where I make my self look like a fucking moron...it's all about doing a mental and educated (as educated as you can be in regards to someone else) risk assessment about the situation.

It sounds like so far, you've been rather lucky. If you're happy to continue as you are, crack on. And, yes I'm sure your partner(s) will stipulate if they expect protection to be used.

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:12

You are risking transmission. That is the massive risk. It's not a small, unlikely risk - if you have an active STI, you are very likely to pass it on by oral sex.

Saying that most people have had herpes is very misleading, or you don't understand it. Whilst it's true that about 50 - 60% of people have had cold sores at one point in their life, genital herpes is a different strain, one that every sensible person would want to avoid if they were given the chance.

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:17

HPV I can understand OP as it's so common, but it's not your place to decide if genital herpes or the risk of it is 'not really a problem' for the other person. Some people's immune systems are really good at dealing with it, and for others it could be a lifelong blight on their sex life. Do not decide for them.

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 03/06/2023 23:19

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:12

You are risking transmission. That is the massive risk. It's not a small, unlikely risk - if you have an active STI, you are very likely to pass it on by oral sex.

Saying that most people have had herpes is very misleading, or you don't understand it. Whilst it's true that about 50 - 60% of people have had cold sores at one point in their life, genital herpes is a different strain, one that every sensible person would want to avoid if they were given the chance.

There are two types of genital herpes and one of them is exactly the same as the facial cold sore strain.

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:22

Yes I know @BunnyBettChetwynnd The genital only type though seems more difficult for people to shift and seems nastier.

Furrybutts · 03/06/2023 23:34

You are more likely to develop throat cancer from unprotected oral sex than from smoking according to a poster I saw at a GUM clinic recently Confused

Original poster
guineacup · 03/06/2023 23:39

EarthSight · 03/06/2023 23:17

HPV I can understand OP as it's so common, but it's not your place to decide if genital herpes or the risk of it is 'not really a problem' for the other person. Some people's immune systems are really good at dealing with it, and for others it could be a lifelong blight on their sex life. Do not decide for them.

That's all very well, but STI clinics don't test for either type of herpes, so unless you have protected sex forever, then there's a risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
guineacup · 03/06/2023 23:46

Furrybutts · 03/06/2023 23:34

You are more likely to develop throat cancer from unprotected oral sex than from smoking according to a poster I saw at a GUM clinic recently Confused

That's very scaremongering... Given that herpes is not tested for, and most people don't even realise they have it in their system (87% based on a CDC study I've just seen referenced), the logical conclusion of that message is "don't have oral sex without a condom/dam, ever!"

OP posts: