Oral sex in new relationship

[guineacup]

Although I've always used a condom for PIV sex in a new relationship or encounter, I've never used any kind of dam or other barrier for oral sex. None of my sexual partners (women - I'm a man btw) have objected or brought up the issue. Am I being reckless or are the risks sufficiently small so as not to be an issue? I'd be interested in people's views.

Having read the replies and done some research online, I'm not sure what those who are saying "it's a massive risk" want people to do apart from having protected sex forever!

It seems like you don't like the answers you've been given by us and you already had made your mind up.

Why come here and ask?

And, of course you don't go on to never having unprotected sex. But, there's a difference between casual, new and establish relationships.

@OneMoreCookieMonster

It seems like you don't like the answers you've been given by us and you already had made your mind up. Why come here and ask? And, of course you don't go on to never having unprotected sex. But, there's a difference between casual, new and establish relationships.

On the contrary, I came here to seek some advice, but based on the advice provided, it seems the risks are low.

The key risks, HPV and herpes are extremely common (far more so than I'd realised before starting the thread) with significant proportions of the adult population carrying them without issue. It seems they are just as likely to be in your ONS as they are in your partner of 10 years. Also, they aren't tested for, which says a lot!

It seems analogous to Covid. Yes, no one wants Covid, and Covid can cause serious complications in a few cases, but I don't live my life in a mask or socially distancing. I recognise the risk with Covid, and have decided to accept it, as the vast majority of people now have. It seems similar with oral sex.

Promoting dental dams seem to be very similar to promoting masks for Covid.

It doesn't seem like you are interested in women's views here, or any view that clearly isn't in alignment with your own pre-existing one.

I think what you were hoping for was lots of women saying 'Yeah not to worry mate - crack on, it's all fine'.

Maybe speak to your GP then or the local sexual health clinic.....except they probably won't give you the answer that you want either I suspect.

he key risks, HPV and herpes are extremely common (far more so than I'd realised before starting the thread) with significant proportions of the adult population carrying them without issue. It seems they are just as likely to be in your ONS as they are in your partner of 10 years. Also, they aren't tested for, which says a lot

Wow, what a convenient conclusion OP!! 😂

No, the genital only strain is not extremely common.

@guineacup

I was concerned enough that I paid for the HPV vaccine privately because I wanted to minimise risks

of course you can get HPV not just from oral sex, but any kind of sexual contact which was my main driver for getting it (as condoms do not protect you)

For those interested, it's licensed for anyone under 45, and protects against nine cancer causing strains of HPV. It will not protect you against strains you've already contracted. Health insurance may cover it for those who have it.

Men who have sex with men and those who do sex work are able to get it for free on the NHS, everyone else has to pay £170 per dose 🤐

I need to decide in 6 months or so whether I want to pay for a second dose, however there is some decent evidence coming out that one dose has nearly as good efficacy as two. I'll continue to monitor!

Someone with an agenda here I think.

🙄

It differs depending on whose risk you are considering here. Hers, or yours?

Assuming she's the one giving oral sex to you and you may or may not have an STI. If you ejaculate in her mouth, the risk of passing on most STIs to her will be quite high because there's still a significant exchange of body fluids.

The risk of you contracting an STI from her if you're giving and she's receiving are much, much smaller because the exchange of body fluids is so much less.

I actually don't know anyone that's used protection for oral sex. I have the sort of friendship group that does discuss these things without embarrassment. I guess we've all been rather lucky to not have caught anything nasty, but given the choice between protected oral sex or no oral sex, I'd go with the latter

I was looking at the risks when my kids became active so that we could have the conversations…
i struggled to find any proper research that indicated the likely transmission of the various STIs, although if I recall correctly, the risk is considered potentially lower for women than for men, because of the possibility of avoiding pre-cum and semen if careful, whereas infection can be picked up from female fluids throughout any activity.
And the biggest risks were around anal in general, and rimming in particular. Bacterial count and presence of infection very high there.
obvs HPV vaccine, and STI testing is only way to go in any new relationship, and fingers crossed no cold sores about to erupt.

I think both people are responsible for having the discussion at the time and its importance or not to them.

We are all adults and need to be individually accountable for our own choices.

Personally I wouldn’t be comfortable having unprotected anything with multiple people, if I was seeing one person then it wouldn’t be an issue for me to need protection.

I came on here genuinely wanting to work out whether or not I needed to change my attitude and behaviour regarding oral sex.... behaviour which is very common indeed (rightly or wrongly).

I read the replies, did some research online, drew my conclusions, and have explained my reasoning. Just because our conclusions don't concur, doesn't mean my conclusions were foregone - it means your arguments weren't persuasive enough!

Also, this seems an issue that doesn't really differentiate between men and women - there are similar risks for both. Whether or not I'm male or female is utterly irrelevant here (except if the woman is pregnant).

From what I can make out, for HPV and both types of herpes, the analogy to Covid is a sound one.... as in no one wants it, but you'll quite likely get it, but even if you do the risks of anything serious are very small.

@EarthSight

Wow, what a convenient conclusion OP!! 😂. No, the genital only strain is not extremely common.

Looking online it seems that 13% of the world's population have it - about 500 million. You can argue that's not "extremely" common, but it's clear that, although of course no one wants it, it's not a big deal.... and it's difficult to see how you can be confident of avoiding it unless you abstain from unprotected sex for life.

Also, this seems an issue that doesn't really differentiate between men and women - there are similar risks for both.

Eh? Plenty of posters have explained why women are more likely to catch HPV from men than the other way around (higher SA during sexual activity, increased exposure to bodily fluids) @guineacup

And in addition - of course risks are higher to girls/women from HPV - this is why they are offered the vaccine.

I came on here genuinely wanting to work out whether or not I needed to change my attitude and behaviour regarding oral sex....
Surely it just depends on what your sexual partner thinks - if they want to use protection then it's either protected oral sex or no oral sex. Seems important to note that you can get HPV from protected PIV.

Correct me if I'm wrong but your thread seems to read like you're attempting to persuade a sexual partner and already have your mind made up.

I've never met anyone who's asked me to wear /use a dam and they are hardly visible in the shops so I'm pretty confident they are not often used.

But ... men's rates of oral cancer are rocketing.

The solution if under 45 is HPV vaccine. Or only sleep with younger, vaccinated women.

HPV isn't an "it", there are over 100 strains.

Around 4 (I believe) are the dangerous ones that are responsibility for the majority of HPV cancers.

Just because you test positive for one strain, doesn't mean you wouldn't want to be cautious about picking up more.

Sexual Health Nurse here - 2 types of Herpes (1 & 2), both types can be genital or oral and type doesn't always dictate recurrence and severity of symptoms.

Personally I'd recommend both partners get a negative STI screen before having any type of unprotected sex. Chlamydia & gonorrhoea rates are skyrocketing and Syphilis rates have increased 400%

Yes there are risks if I remember correctly there are a couple of sti that can be caught that way. Probably best to look on the sexual health clinic site

Yes you do need to change your behaviour and attitudes and I’d suggest the reading you’ve done to date isn’t sufficient.

Straight female here. Never worn or really even considered making the man wear protection for oral sex. I don’t really know anyone that does.

So you use dams?

Interesting as I've never met anyone irl who does. Stats are incredibly low for usage by straight and gay women. How do you find them? Have you always used them?

@Biochemist

Correct me if I'm wrong but your thread seems to read like you're attempting to persuade a sexual partner and already have your mind made up.

You are very wrong!

This is the reality whether some posters want to believe it or not.

The knee jerk assumption that because I'm a man writing this, that I must be trying to justify making women take risks, is as insulting as it is wrong. If a woman said she didn't want to give me oral sex without a condom I would be absolutely fine with that - it's just that none ever has.

So you use dams? Interesting as I've never met anyone irl who does. Stats are incredibly low for usage by straight and gay women. How do you find them? Have you always used them?

I'd be interested to know this too...

But given that herpes and HPV aren't tested for at STI clinics, how would those posters who have been so incredulous that I'm even questioning this, ever know if their partner were carriers? This isn't me trying to be clever and evasive, it just seems to be a huge gap in their logic, and ultimately why I've drawn the conclusions I have.

However, I read that other STIs are possible from oral sex, so maybe I should be more careful.