Page 3 | Oral sex in new relationship

guineacup · 2023-06-03T11:48:13+00:00

Although I've always used a condom for PIV sex in a new relationship or encounter, I've never used any kind of dam or other barrier for oral sex. None of my sexual partners (women - I'm a man btw) have objected or brought up the issue. Am I being reckless or are the risks sufficiently small so as not to be an issue? I'd be interested in people's views.

Original poster

guineacup · 05/06/2023 06:56

@Biochemist

Surely it just depends on what your sexual partner thinks - if they want to use protection then it's either protected oral sex or no oral sex. Seems important to note that you can get HPV from protected PIV.

Why does it "just" depend on what my sexual partner thinks? The inverse sexism present in that comment is astounding! You do know that men can and do give oral sex too, and are also at risk (though I accept the risks can be higher for women, even though one poster suggested the opposite was true.)

OP posts:

Biochemist · 05/06/2023 09:33

guineacup · 05/06/2023 06:56

@Biochemist

Surely it just depends on what your sexual partner thinks - if they want to use protection then it's either protected oral sex or no oral sex. Seems important to note that you can get HPV from protected PIV.

Why does it "just" depend on what my sexual partner thinks? The inverse sexism present in that comment is astounding! You do know that men can and do give oral sex too, and are also at risk (though I accept the risks can be higher for women, even though one poster suggested the opposite was true.)

This seems a bit argumentative?

I'll rephrase - surely it depends on the partner is wanting to use protection.

You've already made it clear you personally don't think it's necessary, therefore the decision to use protection (or not) is going to depend on what your partner thinks - male or female.

I've already posted about relative risk of oral sex for men vs women so not sure why you're claiming I don't know this is posssible

Also not sure why you're bringing "inverse sexism" into it

strombola · 05/06/2023 09:52

guineacup · 05/06/2023 06:49

So you use dams? Interesting as I've never met anyone irl who does. Stats are incredibly low for usage by straight and gay women. How do you find them? Have you always used them?

I'd be interested to know this too...

But given that herpes and HPV aren't tested for at STI clinics, how would those posters who have been so incredulous that I'm even questioning this, ever know if their partner were carriers? This isn't me trying to be clever and evasive, it just seems to be a huge gap in their logic, and ultimately why I've drawn the conclusions I have.

However, I read that other STIs are possible from oral sex, so maybe I should be more careful.

But you get HPV from sexual contact as the virus lives in the skin.

Rightly or wrongly, I was more worried about HPV risk from PIV sex (even with a condom) than other activities

You can't be tested for HPV no, but as it's so common to be a carrier in the over 30s, that's why I was concerned about it.

ArcticSkewer · 05/06/2023 10:35

I'd be more worried as a woman about HPV vaginally (cervical cancer) but as a man, orally (oral cancer risk - higher for men than women).

Are you under 45, op?

If so, get vaccinated. It's worth it if you are considering using dams to prevent HPV infection - why not just vaccinate instead?

Marleeeene · 05/06/2023 11:52

ArcticSkewer · 05/06/2023 06:18

So you use dams?

Interesting as I've never met anyone irl who does. Stats are incredibly low for usage by straight and gay women. How do you find them? Have you always used them?

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What a stupid question. Can you imagine that some posters on here are much older that you, in LTR, may not have had prior sexual partners etc.

The point is OP is coming out with some curious claims like HPV affects males and females in the same way. Errr no. If someone is making statements like that and concluding alls good they do need to do some more reading.

ArcticSkewer · 05/06/2023 12:22

Marleeeene · 05/06/2023 11:52

What a stupid question. Can you imagine that some posters on here are much older that you, in LTR, may not have had prior sexual partners etc.

The point is OP is coming out with some curious claims like HPV affects males and females in the same way. Errr no. If someone is making statements like that and concluding alls good they do need to do some more reading.

Show quote history

Oh. So actually you can't offer any useful advice on using dams in relationships? But are happy to dish out criticism to someone who is wondering if they should start using them, saying they need to change their behaviour? Disappointing.

Original poster

guineacup · 05/06/2023 12:47

@Marleeeene

The point is OP is coming out with some curious claims like HPV affects males and females in the same way.

I was referring to herpes, but anyway. Besides, there's a vaccine for HPV is you're under 45 and want it.

OP posts:

Original poster

guineacup · 05/06/2023 12:56

Rightly or wrongly, I was more worried about HPV risk from PIV sex (even with a condom) than other activities. You can't be tested for HPV no, but as it's so common to be a carrier in the over 30s, that's why I was concerned about it.

This is what I don't get. We know that HPV is very common (70%+ of people have it) and it can be spread even if using condoms! If you want to have sex, and aren't necessarily looking for lifelong monogamy, then I'm still not sure what the big deal is... you've kind of need to resign yourself to the risk don't you?

OP posts:

Original poster

guineacup · 05/06/2023 12:59

@Biochemist

Also not sure why you're bringing "inverse sexism" into it

Because it's clear that the tone and content of some responses would very likely be very different if I posted as a woman.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 05/06/2023 13:04

Condoms offer poor protection with hpv anyway, so apart from abstinence the best you can do to minimise risk is to keep up with regular smear tests.

Opentooffers · 05/06/2023 13:06

It's a numbers game too obviously, the more casual partners, the greater the risk.

Opentooffers · 05/06/2023 13:15

HPV is tested for in women, it's what the smear test is nowadays.

Biochemist · 05/06/2023 13:24

guineacup · 05/06/2023 12:59

@Biochemist

Also not sure why you're bringing "inverse sexism" into it

Because it's clear that the tone and content of some responses would very likely be very different if I posted as a woman.

Well no, you were accusing me of "inverse sexism" despite the fact I was simply pointing out if one person wants to use protection, and another does not, then they should use protection.

ArcticSkewer · 05/06/2023 13:41

guineacup · 05/06/2023 12:56

Rightly or wrongly, I was more worried about HPV risk from PIV sex (even with a condom) than other activities. You can't be tested for HPV no, but as it's so common to be a carrier in the over 30s, that's why I was concerned about it.

This is what I don't get. We know that HPV is very common (70%+ of people have it) and it can be spread even if using condoms! If you want to have sex, and aren't necessarily looking for lifelong monogamy, then I'm still not sure what the big deal is... you've kind of need to resign yourself to the risk don't you?

I don't think the risk for men is all that well documented ... or cared about.

After all, it's only been since 2919 that the vaccine has been offered to boys for free on the NHS. No catch up vaccine either - over 15? Too bad. Risk getting cancer.

2008 for girls.

Men mainly seem unaware of the risk. Or don't care - Hence no dams.

Younger women are probably not as bothered as they are either vaccinated these days or weren't bothered enough to get the vaccine anyway.