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Original poster

Broken friendship group AIBU

64 replies

twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:04

Just Aibu

Had a friendship group with 2 other couples . All married , same age teenage children except we have a younger one as well

We would go camping / holidays / walks / meals at each others houses children friends from early age .

During covid we got together when allowed for a meal with children at friends house . My dh got horribly drunk and swore at our daughter . I was mortified and took children home leaving him being drunk in their garden . He came home and became nasty so I called police and he was taken into custody for 24 hours because of his behaviour.

Friend A was v supportive , came over next day to check on us , check children ok . Still a friend now but not as close . My Dd isn't so close to her daughter either .
Friend B whose house it happened at never checked , her dh and my h are best friends , go out together , weekends etc . On the surface I'm friendly but not deep connection. I was friendly before and introduced my h to this couple . I don't miss their friendship, I have other friends but my dh wants us to start socialising with them again and I really don't want to , he's v resentful that I won't "join the club again "

Before Xmas we took out teenage Dd to an event with us and these friends were there as well so we met up for a friendly drink and had a nice night except her h got drunk and walked off . We left separately from them . When we got home the wife called me and asked me if she could come over with DD as her Dh had come home and become aggressive to dd blaming her for the night going wrong . Ofc they came over and both v upset . She said " I had to get her away from him " . They stayed the night . Next day they left a note saying thankyou .
A few days later she came over and said that he had been diagnosed with diabetes and that's why he behaved like that . I don't believe that . Their DD had had significant mental health issues over the past few years now I wonder if their family is toxic .

I have no idea if friend A knows about this incident and them staying the night .
I see her alone every few months for a meal etc .

My dh is sorry about what he did and it's never happened again in 3 years . But I don't like my friends husband and I don't miss their friendship but my dh wants me to start seeing them in couples again but I just feel icky about it

Thoughts please , it's causing issues between me and dh .

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 03/06/2023 05:09

Do these friends even want to socialise with you as couples any more?

Sounds like the whole group is toxic anyway not least the husbands. Your DH was taken into custody. The other friend’s dh. Was abusive to the daughter, why not just ditch the husbands and socialise as female friends.

Oh, and I would have thrown my DH out the instant he became so aggressive the police had to be called. What next? Wait until he hits you? Kills you? Hits one of your children? He’s abusive. Get rid.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:19

Totally agree
Unfortunately I'm not in a position to separate yet and dh has not repeated his disgusting behaviour since so I don't feel any risk .
Yes I do see friend A but have not bought up the incident that happened with friend B . Yes I'm invited to go along to events but I make excuses , my h goes without me but he's started saying he wants to do a meal at our house . I just don't want to get into that group again .
I reported my h for his behaviour , I feel this friend puts her dh before her poor D .
Friend A is asking why I don't go to couples events . 1 point is I no longer socialise with h where alcohol is involved , two I don't want to be part of a group with this stuff going on .

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:31

For those reading risk to children or me
The incident my h was arrested for was drunk and disorder. He damaged property outside a house because I didn't let him in . The friends offered him a bed for the night but he left to walk home and I was in the house with children while he was locked out .
He's never hit me . He was arrested to keep him out of house . Not charged but given a warning . Incident not repeated .

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 03/06/2023 05:36

You all sound rough as fuck.

Probably best if you don't socialise with the other couple any more if DH and his mate are just taking turns to be the most awful drunks? Sorry OP most people don't live their lives like this. Get better friends.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:40

Unfortunately all professional people with status jobs . Teachers , lawyer, bank manager . Shocking isn't it

I have great friends outside of this group that don't behave like this . It's my h and couple b that are pushing for me to socialise with them .

OP posts:
Tilllly · 03/06/2023 05:47

It sounds a mess OP and whilst I agree you shld just get away from DH, your specific question is about socialising with the group

Flat out no, is causing issues at home so can you do it in a diluted way. Rather than dinner at each other's homes, can you go out to planned events? You know, like open air cinema nights, something like that? Are there other people you could invite as well?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/06/2023 05:50

My God, the drama. Who can be bothered?

I remember this sort of carry-on, as an 18/19YO living away from home for the first time, stupid and immature, loving the freedom, and not knowing how to handle booze.

Probably just a bit of growing up to do for everyone.

And I say this as someone who has lots of couple friends, socialises a lot, and enjoys a drink or two. It’s nothing like you describe though, OP.

EllandRd · 03/06/2023 05:51

Why on Earth are you still with him for? He has been aggressive towards your daughter at least twice now, put your kids first and get rid of him. Your poor daughter.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:59

Invite others ? Definitely not . Other friends quite rightly would not want involvement.

I've told my h I don't want to be involved but he can see them . I've even gone out when they've popped over recently .
My h thinks I should forgive and forget but it's not that easy . It was v traumatic what my husband did and changed our relationship. I would add that this other dad is my h best and only friend who is local . And it causes issues between us because I have a wide group of long standing friends and my husband seems to only see this fella and wants me back in the couple group . He works away so socialises in week with work colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:01

@EllandRd
Totally agree . I've got plans , it's just maintaining peace at the moment .

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:03

@EllandRd
It was one event my h towards our daughter , the other event was this man to his Dd

OP posts:
moonlitnoir · 03/06/2023 06:03

I am a little perplexed why you seem to be so angry with your friend yet your husband having to be removed from your house has been forgiven. Seems to me that your anger is misdirected.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:05

I have not forgiven my h . He knows this , it changed our relationship. Because he works away we only see him at weekends . I'm like a single parent anyway .

OP posts:
moonlitnoir · 03/06/2023 06:11

So then why cant you move past your friend's husband? he did the exact same thing and she chose to stay, just like you. I dont understand why her situation is different to yours?

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:12

I don't consider them friends anymore . My anger is towards my husband who wants to reignite the cosy couples thing . And the wife who is forgiving her husband by saying he is diabetic . I also know that they had a big friendship group that seems to have gone , don't know why ? But I can guess . They used to have big parties but now appears to be only this small group , not including me ofc .

OP posts:
moonlitnoir · 03/06/2023 06:16

So, dont meet them then if you dont want to. I'm a little confused what the issue is here- you say you havent forgiven him and you are practically a single parent so why are you listening to him and taking on board his wants? if you dont want to meet up with them then dont.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:17

Me and h co exist
I'm in house with our Dds in the week while he works away . He comes home at weekends and I often make plans with our Dd or see my friends . We occasionally go away with girls , there is no drama but I don't consider us to be a couple anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:21

Nicely put @moonlitnoir

I just see trouble ahead with my h if I keep refusing and I may have to "entertain" at our house . But I don't feel comfortable sitting round playing happy couples .

Your replies have helped a lot thankyou .

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 03/06/2023 06:23

I think your anger is misplaced. Your issue should be with DH. Diabetes can make you aggressive / behave oddly if sugars are very low for example.

Pahpahpotato · 03/06/2023 06:27

You sound like a complete hypocrite to be honest. You’ve forgiven your husband and his vile behaviour as in he’s still living with you, you’re still married, to all intents and purposes (especially to the outside eye) your marriage is as it was before, yet you’re scathing about your friends husband. Get off your high horse, you’re no better.
If you don’t want to socialise as a group, then don’t. It’s that simple.

standardduck · 03/06/2023 06:28

Everyone in this group sound dysfunctional. Poor kids!

I think both husbands sound awful and you and your children would be better off without them.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:34

V stupidly I gave up work 6 years ago to support my husbands career working away . I have no income and am awaiting a big operation that will happen soon .
The wheels are in motion to divorce as soon as I'm recovered and can start working again .
Yes to the outside world it looks very different .

OP posts:
moonlitnoir · 03/06/2023 06:42

twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:21

Nicely put @moonlitnoir

I just see trouble ahead with my h if I keep refusing and I may have to "entertain" at our house . But I don't feel comfortable sitting round playing happy couples .

Your replies have helped a lot thankyou .

I mean, personally, I dont think I'd give two shits about his opinion considering the way he behaved. He doesnt get to tell you what to do or whom to meet up with after his previous behaviour. I'm sorry you cant leave now, I get sometimes we have to play the long game but for now, I'd start planning to leave. I think its easier to put up with a situation if you know there is an end to it. rather than feeling it will never end. Good luck x

GoodChat · 03/06/2023 06:45

It doesn't sound like he thinks you're just co-existing.

Why can't you socialise without the children, if that's your concern?

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 06:55

@GoodChat
No he's in denial , I'm playing the long game . The end is in sight
I haven't socialised with my h where alcohol is involved since that happened and he doesn't drink in the house

OP posts:
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