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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken friendship group AIBU

64 replies

twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:04

Just Aibu

Had a friendship group with 2 other couples . All married , same age teenage children except we have a younger one as well

We would go camping / holidays / walks / meals at each others houses children friends from early age .

During covid we got together when allowed for a meal with children at friends house . My dh got horribly drunk and swore at our daughter . I was mortified and took children home leaving him being drunk in their garden . He came home and became nasty so I called police and he was taken into custody for 24 hours because of his behaviour.

Friend A was v supportive , came over next day to check on us , check children ok . Still a friend now but not as close . My Dd isn't so close to her daughter either .
Friend B whose house it happened at never checked , her dh and my h are best friends , go out together , weekends etc . On the surface I'm friendly but not deep connection. I was friendly before and introduced my h to this couple . I don't miss their friendship, I have other friends but my dh wants us to start socialising with them again and I really don't want to , he's v resentful that I won't "join the club again "

Before Xmas we took out teenage Dd to an event with us and these friends were there as well so we met up for a friendly drink and had a nice night except her h got drunk and walked off . We left separately from them . When we got home the wife called me and asked me if she could come over with DD as her Dh had come home and become aggressive to dd blaming her for the night going wrong . Ofc they came over and both v upset . She said " I had to get her away from him " . They stayed the night . Next day they left a note saying thankyou .
A few days later she came over and said that he had been diagnosed with diabetes and that's why he behaved like that . I don't believe that . Their DD had had significant mental health issues over the past few years now I wonder if their family is toxic .

I have no idea if friend A knows about this incident and them staying the night .
I see her alone every few months for a meal etc .

My dh is sorry about what he did and it's never happened again in 3 years . But I don't like my friends husband and I don't miss their friendship but my dh wants me to start seeing them in couples again but I just feel icky about it

Thoughts please , it's causing issues between me and dh .

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 03/06/2023 06:56

I think you all shouldn't be exposing your children to drink-induced domestic violence. Your so called social life sounds toxic as hell.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 03/06/2023 07:01

What's with all these men drinking so much that they're vile to their daughters? Awful. You should all bin them off.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 07:04

@LindorDoubleChoc
Nail on head
And that's why my children and me don't socialise in this group anymore . We haven't since my husband behaved like that . He sees them , I don't , our children don't . He's a grown man and can see who he likes , ha me too I suppose !

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 07:18

All the replies have convinced me I'm right to stay firm . I don't have to say yes to my stbxh
I don't have to socialise with people whose values I don't respect ( I know that sounds hypocritical considering I'm still with my h)
I am entitled to spend time with who I want to .
Telling my h this will only inflame the situation so I'll continue to be "busy"

OP posts:
LactoseTheIntolerant · 03/06/2023 09:16

Both these 'dh' s sound like they have a big problem with alcohol. It's a shame they can't self analyse enough to see it as an issue and something that will break up their families and just stop rather then prioritising getting pissed with their 'mate' over the welfare of their families.
I do know couples like this, one of the 'dh' hospitalised his wife whilst very drunk, was taken into police custody etc, around 3 years ago but she's taken him back and says it was a one off etc etc. What amazes me about it, is that she has stopped drinking entirely since the incident but he hasn't, despite swearing that he will change. Again a 'professional' couple with a seemingly enviable lifestyle from an outsiders perspective.

GloriousD · 03/06/2023 13:15

Focus 100% squarely on your DHs ongoing ‘problematic’ alcohol use, abusive behaviour to your DD and how it erodes and pollutes your family life.

The deflection and blame on the other couple is because you find it intolerable to deal with the ‘shame’ of your own issues.

Why do you keep mentioning friend A ? Sounds like you are keen to spill the beans about couple B?

Why?

Frogmila · 03/06/2023 13:58

Don't get me wrong, my parents weren't perfect but why are teenage DDs the target of aggression here when the men of the group are getting drunk? That's not normal. I would tell your husband that twice is a pattern and you're not comfortable to set an example of this being acceptable. See the friends separately while you get everything together for divorce but if he insists on having the group over can you take the kids for an evening or weekend away and let him host them?

SunflowerTed · 03/06/2023 22:17

twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 05:40

Unfortunately all professional people with status jobs . Teachers , lawyer, bank manager . Shocking isn't it

I have great friends outside of this group that don't behave like this . It's my h and couple b that are pushing for me to socialise with them .

Just goes to show yoU can be educated and still behave like toxic arseholes. What example you are giving your kids I dread to think

Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 22:49

@SunflowerTed
Maybe you missed me saying the incident happened 3 years ago and my children have not socialised with them since and neither have I . My husband sees them on his own and they don't come to our house ever .

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 03/06/2023 22:55

@GloriousD
I wouldn't say I feel shame , the shame is my husband . I removed myself and our children from any further contact .
I'm not sure if friend A knows , which is hard because I'm a very open person usually but I don't gossip about other people . I do wonder if couple b lost their other very wide friend set because of similar but I'm not bothered enough to ask around

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/06/2023 06:27

OP I'm a bit confused. How did the second incident ever happen if you refused to ever spend time with your husband when alcohol was involved after the first incident?

harriethoyle · 04/06/2023 06:36

I cannot fathom why you are saying friend B is putting her dh above her daughter when that's exactly what you did! How do you know she isn't putting on a brave public face like you claim to be? The hypocrisy on your part is mind blowing.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 07:11

@GoodChat
There was no 2nd incident with my Dd
We got tickets to an event that they were taking their Dd too ( a concert) not going together but my h and the family still socialise . My husband didn't drink , the other dad did .
I supported the other mum and her Dd after her husband assaulted their Dd and came to us . Afterwards she excused her husbands behaviour on diabetes and made it clear she didn't think it was a problem . We are no longer friends that socialise. I've offered to meet for coffees etc but offer not taken up . Tho post is about my h wanting me to rejoin the social group and the first friend that I see alone being confused at why I don't come along . Im unsure if she knows about the other friends incident with her husband

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 07:24

@harriethoyle
And your blaming of me when I've actually done nothing wrong is v worrying.
I didnt assault my Dd . I wasn't drunk / don't drink in front of children , I drove my children home , kept my children safe , called the police on my husband . All v traumatic . And I don't excuse my h , it is unforgivable what he did , he knows that .
The friend has told me husband has diabetes and there is no problem . I don't believe that but that's her decision . In my view she is covering up and defending her husband above her Dd . But they all clearly want to go back to playing cosy couples and I'm not doing that even without children because pretending that I don't think both my h and her h behaviour is forgivable would be hypocritical of me .

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 04/06/2023 07:45

Clearly not unforgivable seeing you're still with him three years later 🤷🏻‍♀️

mumofblu · 04/06/2023 07:53

@harriethoyle
Nope , he works away in the week , at weekends we do parent together . I've got my reasons for staying that will change very soon and divorce papers are going in . Him working away makes it much easier

harriethoyle · 04/06/2023 07:55

@twoblueskies no doubt friend B who you judge so harshly would say exactly the same 🙄

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 07:58

@harriethoyle
Maybe she would if she met me for that coffee I offered . But I see and hear someone saying her h not to blame , I do blame my h .

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 04/06/2023 08:05

twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 07:24

@harriethoyle
And your blaming of me when I've actually done nothing wrong is v worrying.
I didnt assault my Dd . I wasn't drunk / don't drink in front of children , I drove my children home , kept my children safe , called the police on my husband . All v traumatic . And I don't excuse my h , it is unforgivable what he did , he knows that .
The friend has told me husband has diabetes and there is no problem . I don't believe that but that's her decision . In my view she is covering up and defending her husband above her Dd . But they all clearly want to go back to playing cosy couples and I'm not doing that even without children because pretending that I don't think both my h and her h behaviour is forgivable would be hypocritical of me .

You did EXACTLY the same. You stayed with your husband after he got drunk and swore at your daughter.

Is he a perfect father and husband behind closed doors? I can't believe this hostility was a one off.

WinchSparkle80 · 04/06/2023 08:10

The diabetes thing could definitely be true especially if consistently high or going low.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 08:17

@NerrSnerr
It was a one off , the reason for me wanting to separate are his resentment to me not working losing a big wage when I'm on disability and caring for children when he chooses a job that means he works away . And I don't love him anymore

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 04/06/2023 08:19

@twoblueskies how does that resentment come out? It's clearly not the best environment for your children.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 08:20

@WinchSparkle80
I agree
He still drinks after diagnosis of diabetes but that's up to him

OP posts:
Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/06/2023 08:24

@NerrSnerr
The resentment is towards me . I have children in week and he comes home at weekend and does things with them separately or his own thing and I continue with children . We are rarely together

OP posts:
ColumboOnTheCase · 04/06/2023 08:51

When, and if you split with your husband the relationship between you and this couple will be non existent anyway. I wouldn't waste time socialising with them in that toxic environment.

Your husband's behaviour was vile he doesn't deserve to have things reinstated, plus you really don't have to do anything you don't want to.

How does your DD feel about it all,?