Broken friendship group AIBU

[twoblueskies]

Just Aibu

Had a friendship group with 2 other couples . All married , same age teenage children except we have a younger one as well

We would go camping / holidays / walks / meals at each others houses children friends from early age .

During covid we got together when allowed for a meal with children at friends house . My dh got horribly drunk and swore at our daughter . I was mortified and took children home leaving him being drunk in their garden . He came home and became nasty so I called police and he was taken into custody for 24 hours because of his behaviour.

Friend A was v supportive , came over next day to check on us , check children ok . Still a friend now but not as close . My Dd isn't so close to her daughter either .
Friend B whose house it happened at never checked , her dh and my h are best friends , go out together , weekends etc . On the surface I'm friendly but not deep connection. I was friendly before and introduced my h to this couple . I don't miss their friendship, I have other friends but my dh wants us to start socialising with them again and I really don't want to , he's v resentful that I won't "join the club again "

Before Xmas we took out teenage Dd to an event with us and these friends were there as well so we met up for a friendly drink and had a nice night except her h got drunk and walked off . We left separately from them . When we got home the wife called me and asked me if she could come over with DD as her Dh had come home and become aggressive to dd blaming her for the night going wrong . Ofc they came over and both v upset . She said " I had to get her away from him " . They stayed the night . Next day they left a note saying thankyou .
A few days later she came over and said that he had been diagnosed with diabetes and that's why he behaved like that . I don't believe that . Their DD had had significant mental health issues over the past few years now I wonder if their family is toxic .

I have no idea if friend A knows about this incident and them staying the night .
I see her alone every few months for a meal etc .

My dh is sorry about what he did and it's never happened again in 3 years . But I don't like my friends husband and I don't miss their friendship but my dh wants me to start seeing them in couples again but I just feel icky about it

Thoughts please , it's causing issues between me and dh .

So the reason for you separating is solely based on you and nothing to do with protecting your DD like you claimed. You're exactly the same as his friends wife - except there's no justification for yours or your husband's behaviour

I wouldn’t want to be friends with you after your DH’s behaviour and I wouldn’t want to be friends with them because of the allegedly diabetic abusive husband. Sounds like far too much drama all round and I’d rather keep my kids away from that.

So why is there any dilemma about socialising with this other couple?

I don't understand why you don't leave with your DD and remove her from this toxic situation where you live in a tense non-relationship with a man with a drinking problem.

Let me get this right , because of my husbands vile behaviour I should be ostracised

I called the police on him who removed him and cautioned him . As standard social services came out and assessed us / him . No action for me , he instructed never to be drunk in front of children again , he has complied with that . No second chances , no further incidents that's why I haven't left him before .

I am friendly still with one other who was there but not involved .

My husband wants me to socialise with all . I'm not going to do that .

And yes I'm separating from him for other issues not abusive drinking

This is a totally different story from your OP, though?

If you're separating from him why does he care/why does it matter if he cares that you're not socialising with his best friend?

Let me get this right , because of my husbands vile behaviour I should be ostracised

You're ostracising your former friend because of her husband's behaviour...

EXACTLY this. You're utterly blind to your own hypocrisy.

Your children don't socialise with them, and they never come to house?

Yet, you also went out when they popped over recently?

It all seems very muddled, and unhealthy.

That's also the quickest jump from DH to stbxh I've ever seen in one post.

OP,
I can understand you playing the long game.

You need to be well to return to work.

Perfectly understandable.

Your husband is scum and associates with scum.

Maintain your position that you are busy and it is not happening.

You are doing your best to get out of this situation.

Focus on that.

I absolutely would not be socialising with him, with them, or with alcohol.

Wishing you well.

Nope I'm keeping my children away from something that doesn't really matter to them . Not once have they asked to go back , eldest has moved on with own friends

They visited my house after her husband did what he did , mainly to tell me there was no problem . I think there is .

The comments on here seem to be saying I'm the biggest one to blame here for not leaving my h .

If you are playing the long game and will have your operation, get a job then leave him, then I don't see why you wouldn't do some fake socialising with him. I'd be furious and split with him for what he did, but If you want to get the op out the way and a job under your belt then I don't see the issue with a night every 8-10 weeks for example, provided he doesn't do it again of course.

And any reference to him being Dh instead of h is a typo

We always took children out to socialise with their children , we have no babysitter / family support . My children arnt bothered its my h who wants to start it all up again and them it appears

I've decided as suggested here I don't have to if I don't want to and I've moved on with friends I like to be around . I may be honest with the other friend about why I'm not accepting invites with other family after my behaviour and keep quiet about the other h incident

Not my behaviour H behaviour , another typo