How to tell if he's a good man?

[Notsurewhatodohere]

Hello,
Have been single for quite a few years recovering from abusive marriage. Have met someone who I find attractive and who seems interested but although I would like a relationship this is feeling terrifying and I wonder how to tell if he's actually a good person? I've been fooled before. How do you slow things down so that you have time to find out whether someone is actually kind and trustworthy without missing the boat? Nothing has happened yet but I get the feeling he's keen so I'm panicking. Can you advise?

This is what dating is for. You spend time with him and get to know him.

See how he reacts to being told no / not getting his own way.

Is he willing to go at your pace with no pressure or sulking?

Is he generous or does he insist on 50-50 for everything

How does he treat wait staff

How does he talk about his exes? If he says they were all crazy then run away fast. That’s a massive red flag

What is his relationship like with his family? This one is a little tricky as his family might be problematic so there might be good reasons for issues

How does he react if you say no to a suggestion from him? Watch for pushback, sulking, silent treatment.

Not pressuring you to sleep together more quickly than you'd like, is he reliable, does what he says he'll do?

You won’t know if you can trust him until you get to know him better. To do so, you must first and foremost trust yourself: your gut instinct, resilience and ability to walk away if he turns out not trustworthy.

I think you’re right with all of that apart from the paying 50:50 one. Nothing wrong at all with each party paying their way. If anything an insistence on paying, being “traditional“ and “a gentleman” I’d say is more red flaggy than splitting a bill

I have learned to closely watch how they talk about and behave towards their mum

If they have a loving parent who they treat badly then you can see how the person who lives then the most gets treated.

I feel you though. Trusting you judgment of someone after having trust broke badly is haaaasard, I just don’t yet tbh but maybe one day

Listen to his actions not his words.

@FloydPepper just to clarify. I think it’s a good sign to have a partner who wants to treat you from time to time rather than be 50-50 every time. I do this because I like my partner to feel special and I really like it when they do it back. I feel that going 50-50 on everything is joyless and makes the relationship feel transactional. If you both treat each other then it should work out even anyway.

And I also think that paying for dates is only part of a relationship. If one person has the other round for meals and contributes that at, then this should be taken into account. Going 50-50 on dates but not looking at the broader picture of contributions to the relationship is a red flag for me as it indicates that a man won’t take into account unpaid labour which can cause problems down the track

I have the facebook sleaze test if you want it, it's a good indicator of if he adds random women, has an eye for the young ones, sleazes on the thirst pics.

Thank you all some great advice here.

You can't know, and he may or may not be what he seems.

The trick is to know that you'll be ok to walk away if the relationship feels 'off' in any way, i.e. having you're own back. You are already not doing this, by trying to carry on when you're terrified. Either he's already doing things that don't work for you, or you're not ready. The imperative for a healthy relationship is that you feel, at the very least, comfortable and safe. It sounds like he's already more keen than you'd like, and that this is overwhelming you, and now you're trying to brush off the fact that you're overwhelmed. Don't brush your feelings off, or try to silence them. They are there for a reason.

Please can I have the facebook sleaze test?!

He's a good person if you don't feel awkward, uncomfortable, on edge, stupid or upset when you're in his company.

It's normal to feel a bit nervous and shy with new dates but that feeling should go. - UNLESS he's a tosser, then it will stay - because then it's actually your instincts telling you he's not the right guy for you.

The minute you feel anything other than safe and comfortable with him, you walk away.

You take it slowly, don’t rush into moving in together. A couple of years would allow you to see what type of person he is, holidays together etc.

I was gonna say this but @pinkyredrose beat me to it.

Definitely this. He can say anything but look at how he acts and how he treats you, that's who he is.
No amount of 'sorrys' and promises to change after he's treated you badly will make him a good person.

Don't ignore red flags. A general rule is 3 red flags and you end it.
Love bombing (too much too fast) is a red flag, not a green flag.

Check how you feel after you spend time with him. Are you trying to explain away certain behaviours? Do you feel confused, bad, off balance?
Or does spending time with him make you feel good?

Look for evidence of green flags, don't assume they are there, and don't confuse a performance for the real thing. For example, 'niceness' is a performance and does not mean a person is genuinely good.

Don't ignore red flags. A general rule is 3 red flags and you end it

Why isn't 1 enough? Compatible partners for healthy relationships don't display any red flags. They don't have to 'let each other off' or 'forgive' anything of each other.

Time will tell. Listen to your intuition.

Listen to his "how was your day at work?" chit-chat.
Does he speak with mild amusement about the funny remark one of his colleagues made? Does he tell you how hectic it's been, thank goodness everybody rallied round? Or is it more like "Well I certainly put him in his place!" with him the hero of the hour at the expense of others?
I was not involved in that way with one of my colleagues, but in general conversation, it was interesting to see how often he felt he had been wronged, to the point of considering suing them........
I agree with PP's who mention the way he speaks to waiters, shop assistants and the like.

@twoshedsjackson , if someone is 'Well I certainly put him in his place!'
what does it mean?
I ask because one of my parents was like this, and my parent is one that takes offence at everything, and I couldn't speak to them as anything I said woud be dismissed with 'No, you're not!', 'I did nothing of the sort!' or their favourite 'Don't tell lies!'

@MerryChristmasToYou, I guess I was trying to describe the sort of anecdote where a colleague is shown in a poor light in some way, making him shine by comparison, either with a witty rejoinder (such as most of us think of ten minutes later when the moment has long passed), or being comprehensively told where they have gone wrong by someone with a better grasp of the situation (Ie him)
A sort of "negging by proxy".

Thanks, @twoshedsjackson . That doesn't apply to what I was thinking of.

@Notsurewhatodohere , listen to how he describes other people. Not just colleagues, friends and family.

It might be something like his mate's ex is a control freak or another pal beat up his child's mother, or signs of laddishness. Any 'hmm, that's not ideal' sort of thought will be a sign.

3? Fuck that!