How to tell if he's a good man?

[Notsurewhatodohere]

Hello,
Have been single for quite a few years recovering from abusive marriage. Have met someone who I find attractive and who seems interested but although I would like a relationship this is feeling terrifying and I wonder how to tell if he's actually a good person? I've been fooled before. How do you slow things down so that you have time to find out whether someone is actually kind and trustworthy without missing the boat? Nothing has happened yet but I get the feeling he's keen so I'm panicking. Can you advise?

It's like '3 red lights, and then you stop the car'.

Go slow dating him, and observe whether his words and actions match up.

You really just have to learn to trust your gut. This can be hard to do following an abusive relationship, during which we're usually told we're unstable and over-emotional.

It takes time to learn to trust yourself again, before you can even think about trusting another person. Trusting yourself and knowing that your feelings are valid is the first step.

Have you done the freedom programme? I would strongly recommend it before dating again.

People can always surprise you, for better or worse, even years down the line, which can be a scary thought. You just have to be able to walk away when things don't feel right. Don't wait for him to really "do something" that justifies walking away. Don't stress over analysing whether he deserves another chance. Just trust your gut and walk away.

I don't think you can tell. Obviously if he is rude, undermining etc.But you can have someone who is kind, attentive, generous and loses interest. Also good people don't necessarily always do good things. Sorry there's no assurances , life is like that.

There's also people with unpleasant intentions who can come across well for quite a long time.

You really can't know, OP. You can only keep yourself safe. It's like walking around in the street. You can worry about hurting your foot on every stone and every bit of broken glass, every thorn... or you can just put some shoes on. It's up to you to protect you.

Your gut can lie to you. Observe his actions and words, see how he treats people and how he talks about them.

@pinkyredrose

So, if someone has a gut feeling that there's something wrong in their relationship, but their partner exhibits no poor behaviour, what should they do?

How do you slow things down so that you have time to find out whether someone is actually kind and trustworthy without missing the boat?

Anyone decent will be very happy to get to know each other as friends and park any idea about anything else til you know each other well enough in order to decide whether to take things further.

If they disappear when they realise there is no sex on offer, then you can be glad that you have dodged a bullet.

It's not just about the obvious red flags of sulking, selfishness and not being considerate. It's just as important to understand how you fit together, when things are not going well as much as when all is good between you.

How they treat inferiors, their parents and any dependents. How their friends and colleagues treat them.

Absolutely agree with paying your own way, especially in the early days. I also expect him to expect to pay, to want to treat and not to nitpick about detailed costs, unless his big is significantly higher.

It's really important to me to know how someone responds when you say no or they don't get their own way.

In fact, all the things my mother told me and as a teenager I dismissed as old fashioned. All now important to me

As PP said you might want to consider the freedom programme?

https://perthwomensaid.org.uk/freedom-programme/

The link above has a couple of example graphics illustrating good things and harmful things to look out for.

Anyone decent will be very happy to get to know each other as friends and park any idea about anything else til you know each other well enough in order to decide whether to take things further

I don't think this is true. When I was looking for a relationship, I didn't want to make a new bunch of friends, so if someone had told me that they'd like to be friends, I probably would have just thought that they weren't on the same page as me, and wished them well.

Another vote for The Freedom Programme, and then you go at your own pace. If they are kind and trustworthy and interested in you as a person, rather than what you can provide for them, they will have no problem respecting the pace you're comfortable with.

As above, watch carefully how they treat the people they don't "need" to be kind to, ie waiting staff, air stewards, shop staff, bartenders.

Are they respectful of your boundaries?

Do you feel that you are heard and understood when you communicate? Any feeling of "how did we end up talking about x when I raised a question about y" isn't good.

Pay attention to the relationship they have with their mother.

Do they speak with respect about their exes even if it didn't end well? If not, that's a no for me.

How do they drive? Aggressive driving or road rage when you're a passenger is a hard no from me.

Basically, time will tell as they ones to avoid don't always come wearing a tshirt announcing it, but there are often many hints along the way that we are conditioned by society as women to turn a blind eye to, or accommodate, in order to be "chosen" or not "on the shelf". Well done to you for being so aware and knowing you need to back yourself this time around.

This is a good one.

Disagree with him on a few points - not aggressively, just by speaking your mind, and see how he reacts. If he sneers, mocks, sulks etc back off. If he just accepts your disagreement or enjoys a healthy debate, that's fine.

If you plan a date, does he enjoy it as much as when he plans one? Or does he encourage you to share his passions but never quite get around to sharing yours?

How does he react when you can't make a suggested date or don't reply immediately to a text? Does he recognise you have a life of your own and will continue to lead it after meeting him? Does he speak disparagingly about 'the girls' if you are having an evening out with your friends.

How does he talk about exes, his mother and the rest of his family? What about his colleagues and his boss? You can spot emotional immaturity by how someone describes key people in their life.

Does he have a self-pity narrative running. Or a 'look how impressive I am' narrative? Do you feel under pressure (from him, not yourself) to laugh at unfunny jokes or praise to the skies a mediocre meal he cooked or outfit he's wearing or cheap present he bought you?

Check how he behaves when you feel ill. Is he kind?

And the usual - how does he treat waiters, shop assistants, does he drive selfishly, does he hold racist or sexist opinions about news stories etc.

Stay with the partner and examine thier own feelings.

Have you worked out what you want from a relationship, OP? He may be a good man, but not a good fit for you.

What do you want him to be for you?
What qualities are important to you?
What are his actions saying to you?
Etc...

@pinkyredrose

Examine their own feelings for what? You'd advise someone to stay in a relationship that made them uncomfortable, because their feelings might be... wrong? Faulty? Tainted? Excessive?

What do you think a relationship is for? What do you think feelings are for?

If someone's done absolutely nothing wrong and there are no red flags then there's probably another reason for the gut feeling.

@pinkyredrose

Yes. Like what? I'd imagine, perhaps, they might unwittingly and innocently trigger something in you from your past, or something like that? Is that what you mean?

And then, you should stay with them, because you're wrong to feel bad about them when they're innocent?

I don't understand why you think someone should stay with someone who gives them a bad gut feeling? Whether it's down to them being wrong, or you being sensitive to something, you should still leave. Examine the feelings, yes, but don't stay and suffer your gut feeling.

I guess because not every red flag turns out to signify danger. Someone might lovebomb you because they are a bit inexperienced with women or because they are generous and this is their mode of showing love.

Or someone might have a bad relationship with an ex, their boss or their mother with really good cause.

Everyone has human failings and imperfections and weak spots and most of us compromise on a few things. I could write a handful of things about DH which scream Red Flag and are genuinely problematic. But over the course or 30 years he has proved himself to be thoughtful, supportive, loving, unneurotic, calm, fair, a good dad etc. And some of this stuff he's learned as he matured.

With DH I just felt 'right'. Like I could be wholly myself. I didn't have to perform or pretend or need breathers from the intensity of the affair. It was just good, and right, from the outset. Despite some red flags.

A red flag is a stop sign. That's why it's called a red flag. Not amber. Not 'keep going with caution'.

If you stay with someone despite red flags, you might end up happy, but it's a big risk. Like crossing the road without looking. People do it and survive every day, but they're idiots who should be more careful. Just because it worked for you @NeverendingCircus (and did it, if you say your husband has 'genuinely problematic' behaviours? Wouldn't you have preferred a partner who you loved just as much but didn't have problematic behaviours?) it doesn't mean it's good advice. I got smashed last night, and didn't have a hangover this morning, so, I advise people who aren't sure about alcohol use to just get smashed, it'll be fine, right?

Often couples who seem very very compatible break up in the end, so why on earth risk someone who's demonstrating risk to you at the start, when there are plenty out there who wouldn't?

See how he drives, is it aggressive, is everyone else a bad driver, too slow or too fast, is he an amber gambler, does he get stressed if he is running late? You can tell a lot about someone from their driving.

When people talk about red flags and things like how he treats his parents etc 🤔
I completely estranged from mine because of their poor parenting and life skills.
Their actions and the complex family dynamics mean I'm very much alone in this world when it comes to support network.
I have lots of friends but nobody i see regularly or am really close to and I have a fluctuating condition which makes me not the most reliable friend or dating prospect.
I have a complicated life due to mine and kids' disabilities and extra needs, I feel that I am a whole bunting of red flags and don't feel like I'm much of a catch with my life how it is right now.
feeling like im a walking red flag is probably partly why I let a lot of things slide when I am dating!

@Jellyheadbang

You search for the persons name, but instead of clicking their profile you leave it on the results page (where all the people with that name are listed).
Then click 'photos' from the options along the top.
Then 'see all from friends' and you can see what they have liked.. if you sort by date posted it shows you even more.

It only shows public photos but you can see enough from this.

How he treats people that 'don't matter' - taxi drivers, bar and waiting staff, shop staff. If he's kind and courteous with them then he's a good person. If he buys a homeless person a sandwich then he's a very good person.

Ooh v cool! Thank you!

@Jellyheadbang No worries! It also shows photos commented on. You can then click on the persons profile and see what else they've liked or commented on. It's been a great filter for me in the dating world.