How to tell if he's a good man?

[Notsurewhatodohere]

Hello,
Have been single for quite a few years recovering from abusive marriage. Have met someone who I find attractive and who seems interested but although I would like a relationship this is feeling terrifying and I wonder how to tell if he's actually a good person? I've been fooled before. How do you slow things down so that you have time to find out whether someone is actually kind and trustworthy without missing the boat? Nothing has happened yet but I get the feeling he's keen so I'm panicking. Can you advise?

@Notsurewhatodohere

How do you go about demonstrating to him that you are a good person? I would expect that he might be doing so in much the same way.

I think in general you're right @Watchkeys except that I'd see a single red flag as a warning sign. Something to keep an eye on and see if it has a reasonable cause or not (eg if someone never stops texting and phoning - I can't stand that sort of love bombing. I hate feeling like I have to be on call 24/7 in a relationship. But I wouldn't just walk away. First I'd say - this is too intense for me, can we just exchange texts or chat once a day in the evening? Their reaction would be what I'd see as the real red flag.

And yes I do think it's worked for me. DH and I have been happily married for thirty years and still have fun together, still have a laugh, are still romantic, still have adventures and shared plans for the future. There are things that drive me nuts and things which I know would have caused many women to walk out long ago but on balance he is far more good than bad – he's very right for me. His virtues are ones I prize really highly and his failings are ones that bother me less than they would lots of people. I don't believe anyone is perfect - I'm certainly not and I don't expect him to be either.

But I'm not suggesting anyone should put up with red flags at all. Just that if you really like someone, check the red flag - don't dismiss it but do test it out to see if it is a false warning.

If they tell you a story about a 'crazy' ex, that's a red flag. I like to ask, what do you think her perception of the reason for the break up would be? You can often get them to tell on themselves asking that.

If they can take accountability for how they might have contributed to the break up or they speak respectfully about their ex, that's a green flag for me.

I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who had 'more good than bad, on balance', @NeverendingCircus , and I wouldn't let a red flag go.

I don't think the advice that you gave was good. As I said, many risk takers get away with it and end up with what they wanted anyway. Whether that happened for you is questionable, but whether 'Take risks, you'll get what you want anyway' is good advice isn't.

You could have had a partner who didn't have bad bits, and so can OP, if she sets her standards right.

Some good advice already. I would also beware of "mirroring" not just "lovebombing". It's essentially mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of you. Liking all the same things, wanting exactly the same life. Often it feels too good to be true, because it is; its an act.

Friends, look closely at the type of people they surround themselves with. They say "you are the sum of your five closest friends".

Talking about exes - if what they are telling you
doesn't make sense, it means some information is missing. So they have given you a heavily edited version.

Money - lend them some money asap and see how quickly they get it back to you. See if it weighs heavily on them or if they "forget" and need to be reminded, then you are setting yourself up for being a cashcow. I always think if you give someone money or power then you will see what they are really like.

Flattery - Compliments are nice but all too often women can fail to recognize that being desired is not the same thing as being held in high esteem. They may want a quickie rather than a real relationship.

Illness - see how they treat you when you are unwell. Are you a burden or are they caring.

More than anything listen to your gut, don't make excuses for their behaviour. Have strong ideas of what you are willing to put up with and stick to them. Put yourself first, you need to be happy. It's a risk.

I just don't agree that people can have a partner with no 'bad bits.' Everyone has faults and I'd certainly prefer to accept DH's faults and be grateful he accepts mine (as well as both trying to overcome them) than to end in divorce because I want perfection. We are very happy together.

I wouldn't dream of staying with someone who was misogynistic, even casually. Or racist. Or violent and controlling. Or stupid and lacking curiosity about the world. Or who was unfaithful. Or a disengaged parent. Those would be my absolute red flags. But things which other people might think of as intolerable red flags aren't for me. That's the point I'm making.

I just don't agree that people can have a partner with no 'bad bits

You don't have to agree @NeverendingCircus I might not agree with you when you say the sky is blue. Whether we agree with each other is irrelevant.

I asked you if you'd prefer a relationship with someone you loved just as much as your partner, but without the 'bad' you mentioned. You didn't answer. I wouldn't say my partner had any bad, and would leave if it was the case. We don't always agree, or 100% understand each other right away, but that's different from 'bad'.

That's the point I'm making.

Literally this 100%

If he gets angry, sulks or brings it up again and again then that guy need to go.

Over time, pay attention to how he treats you and others and how he deals with different scenarios. I was super cautious about DH when I first met him and couldn't accept that he was as open and honest as he was. I was expecting some awful encounter that never happened. One day we were somewhere busy and hot, it was stressful and I wasn't coping well - he sat me down, bought me a drink and a biscuit and asked which one I wanted first. I knew then that he was showing me who he was and that he was a keeper. I hope you find someone who deserves you.

See how he reacts to being told no / not getting his own way

and listen to your gut
she/it knows !!!

Thank you all so much for the excellent advice and support, I will check out the freedom program. It turned out that the man in question is married so there was a reason for the anxiety I was feeling. Luckily nothing happened apart from a bunch of flirting on his part so I was able to nip things in the bud before any damage was done.

Always trust your feelings, OP. Your perfect partner will not give you any off feelings. If they did, they wouldn't be perfect, would they?

Your feelings are the judge and jury.

You need to be on mat leave with a newborn and 3 stone heavier than you are now

Then you'll know

Check what his relationship with his father is like. If his dad was super abusive, he might have learned that toxic trait to stay afloat.

How does he treat his mother?

What does he say to about his past relationship?

Just asking this won't give you an accurate idea, you just observe what he does through time.

I find myself unsure of this advice though. I really do think you're very articulate so I do tend to take notice of what you're saying.

But having had my trust breached, I'm not sure it's as simple as: perfect = doesn't feel off, as there are complex feelings at play.

My new partner is a 'good' man but my attachment style has me looking for ways to test it all the time. I'm looking for fault and I'm anxious that I'm missing something because he himself isn't making me anxious. He is respectful, communicative, trustworthy, etc and a lot of 'good' traits here (plus ifancy him etc).

You're right, gut instincts are so important, do I'm not dismissing what you're saying. I just want to acknowledge that it can be really hard to navigate and people may over look some really great relationships in pursuit of something that might not exist for them (that notion of perfection).

@Bapbap45

I would say in that case that you yourself are not ready for a trusting relationship, so, however 'perfect' a partner you might find, you still cannot be happy. The end result is the same. The relationship will not feel right, because you do not have 100% trust. Whether you are right to not trust is immaterial.

I read a piece recently that said men generally try to get the women to like them first before they decide how much they like the woman.

I felt that would explain a lot of the behaviour that dating women report, eg ghosting, going from texting everyday to hardly at all.

However I really can’t see that it is only a masculine behaviour, surely some people of both sexes must do this, and it must be a personality thing?

So perhaps look at it as you would do if it was just a new friend. You could perhaps try a bit more setting boundaries early and giving more push back than you would do normally. But I guess that could misfire, and he decides you are not one of the good ones.

Unfortunately, some times it takes time to tell. As others have suggested it may just be a case of holding your heart in check until enough time has elapsed for you to be sure of him.