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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner is SO defensive

67 replies

bellbellb · 02/06/2023 21:28

Is anyone else's partner constantly on the defensive? I feel like I can't breathe at times without offending him honestly.
Last Friday eve he got back from work and picking up DSS (age 10) on way home, and DSS has walked in with one of those 'Prime' drinks in his hands. I mentioned to my partner quietly 'do you know how bad those drinks are - the caffeine in them?' As pretty sure I read somewhere that they have the equivalent to 2 and a half cans of red bull. That was it, on the defensive straight away saying 'can't even buy him a drink without you making comments, it's a one off just let him enjoy it' and honestly this gets my back up so I just reply with a 'if you say so' which results in him getting in a huff, grabbing the drink from DSS and pouring it down the sink in front of him so I'm instantly evil step mum. There was another incident that weekend where we were at my mums house, she has two dining tables one with wooden chairs and one with fabric chairs, again he got defensive as I made the children stay seated on wooden chairs with chocolate ice cream vs DSS going to sit on fabric chairs as he asked to. Apparently I was on some sort of power trip? This resulted in a huge argument and me staying an extra night at my mums whilst he went home. Hardly seen him all week because of his long work hours and then he comes home tonight saying tomorrow he's going to take the children out on the river next to us on our little blow up boat we have (I've been poorly past two days so I said I'd see how I feel) but ALL I said to him was just go careful going under the bridge as I noticed the other day there was some white water on the other side of it. And that has some how resulted in a huge argument? Him telling me ' so that's it DD can't come now is it' 'well there was loads of families out on it yesterday evening' - it's like I can't say a single thing without him feeling like it's a huge dig towards him. Constantly walking on eggshells. Am I a moaning myrtle or is he over the top??

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/06/2023 21:30

It’s a way of shutting you down so that you don’t say anything eventually.

Polik · 02/06/2023 21:34

You do sound like you are criticising and controlling the way he parents. I'd suggest defensiveness would nit be an unusual or unreasonable responce in the circumstances

febrezeme · 02/06/2023 21:40

You just sound a bit holier than thou I suppose from the examples you've given? That your parenting is soooo much better than hun? And you seem to question every parenting decision he makes or - dare I say it - belittle them? If he wants to buy his son prime then that's his parenting decision surely? If the grandparents are happy for kids to sit on their fabric chairs that's Up to them no? The river thing well if you didn't trust him to parent with some Modicum of risk awareness/sensibilities why have children with him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2023 21:41

You’re both at fault. You’re not treating him like an adult and he’s reacting like a stroppy teen.

You didn’t need to mention the drink, what’s the point if he’s already drinking it? Why mention the water now as if he doesn’t have eyes or a brain or any common sense about keeping his kids safe?

The chairs and ice cream thing is probably fair but against a backdrop of regular unnecessary criticisms it will have seemed like yet another reason to pick at him.

He’s overreacting but I can see why as by your own admission you’re overly anxious, interfering and critical and he’s probably constantly waiting to hear what he’s done or going to be doing wrong next.

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 21:43

Ok fair. I suppose the issue comes from me just being a protective mum. Partner has heart issues and we are waiting to find out if they are hereditary or not so I guess I’m cautious with things like energy drinks. Didn’t want children getting chocolate ice cream on my mums nice chairs when they could simply stay where they were. And thought I’d just mention the white water because it would of been one of those things where you wouldn’t see it till it was too late. Not once did I ever intend for it to come across as criticism or controlling

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 02/06/2023 21:44

Not all prime drinks contain caffeine

DustyLee123 · 02/06/2023 21:45

I don’t see the problem with you mentioning those 3 things. I believe someone died after drinking a Prime recently, and why should you have a hyper kid in the house. And I’d be worried about my child going on the water too.

AttilaThePun · 02/06/2023 21:46

Prime isn’t an energy drink.
Do you often pull him up for things like this? Maybe he’s feeling that you’re on his case a lot?

cantcopenow · 02/06/2023 21:52

I’m with you 100% on the chairs and chocolate ice cream! 10 minutes on a wooden chair won’t kill them. I Quite possibly agree about the water too. I’m very (over?)cautious about that sort of thing.

I agree with you on the Prime drink but I think probably you shouldn’t have mentioned it (or at least not at that moment or in front of DCs). As a PO said, all these little things probably add up for him. Sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut even when you’re right, unfortunately.

Hedgehog93 · 02/06/2023 21:52

I don’t see any issue at all with anything you’ve said… confused with other comments saying otherwise.

Polik · 02/06/2023 21:52

Can you imagine how it might feel to have your parenting decisions criticised and questioned constantly?

Can you empathise with how that might feel?

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 21:53

febrezeme · 02/06/2023 21:40

You just sound a bit holier than thou I suppose from the examples you've given? That your parenting is soooo much better than hun? And you seem to question every parenting decision he makes or - dare I say it - belittle them? If he wants to buy his son prime then that's his parenting decision surely? If the grandparents are happy for kids to sit on their fabric chairs that's Up to them no? The river thing well if you didn't trust him to parent with some Modicum of risk awareness/sensibilities why have children with him?

Ok the Prime drink example looking back on it I now get, there was only good intentions on my behalf though it’s not like I did it to be spiteful it came from a place of care. However my mum would be fine with chocolate ice cream on the chairs but her husband would not of been and he wasn’t there, therefore ice cream on chairs = her getting moaned at and just didn’t think it was worth that when they could just stay put. Not that I don’t trust him on the river otherwise I would clearly be going with them, just pointed out something I had spotted from walking on top of the bridge which he would of not spotted as he would of been going in at water level.

OP posts:
Prettybutdumb · 02/06/2023 21:54

My husband and I say stuff like that to each other all the time, I don’t see anything wrong with it at all. We say thank you for mentioning it / thinking of it and none of us are insecure enough to take it as anything other than it is: good old caring parenting.

Theunamedcat · 02/06/2023 21:55

Was it the prime energy drink or the other prime drink? I think there is two only one contains caffeine
With the chairs I would have matched his energy and said you clean the mess then as it's so important

He sounds like an arse verbally beats you into submitting then leaves the marriage a few years later because your too boring

Screamingabdabz · 02/06/2023 21:56

Hedgehog93 · 02/06/2023 21:52

I don’t see any issue at all with anything you’ve said… confused with other comments saying otherwise.

Me too. Nothing at all wrong with anything you’ve said op.

He sounds extremely touchy and flying off the handle. Is he worried about his health? Or something else?

I suspect other posters are similarly shut down by bolshy men so would rather blame you than find fault in male behaviour.

Theunamedcat · 02/06/2023 21:57

Also honestly your allowed an opinion about your parents house your children even your step children he doesn't have to overreact every single time

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 22:06

Screamingabdabz · 02/06/2023 21:56

Me too. Nothing at all wrong with anything you’ve said op.

He sounds extremely touchy and flying off the handle. Is he worried about his health? Or something else?

I suspect other posters are similarly shut down by bolshy men so would rather blame you than find fault in male behaviour.

Show quote history

Thank you both. Was thinking oh I really must be the problem 😅

I’ll admit a few years ago he struggled with drink which made him behave in a similar way. I am wondering if this could be the case again, just worried about suggesting it so I haven’t yet.

OP posts:
febrezeme · 02/06/2023 22:08

@bellbellb

It's just the constant health and safety input on your part which would drive me nuts and piss me off if I was him. I hear you about the chairs - my kids would be super glued to the wooden ones - but if that comment was just one of a number which you make when it comes to when / how he parents or if you do it in every conversation you have with him when it comes to the children then I can see why he would get cheesed off and is starting to lose his temper with you?

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 22:12

Theunamedcat · 02/06/2023 21:55

Was it the prime energy drink or the other prime drink? I think there is two only one contains caffeine
With the chairs I would have matched his energy and said you clean the mess then as it's so important

He sounds like an arse verbally beats you into submitting then leaves the marriage a few years later because your too boring

Ah see I don’t know which one it was. I wasn’t aware that there was different versions so that was my fault if it wasn’t the energy one! Thank you for letting me know, if it wasn’t the energy one then my partner did not mention it.
This is the thing, I have tried leaving him on multiple occasions and it always results in the big speech and even him turning up to school drop off ect when I don’t give him the time of day as he knows I won’t make a scene there. Then I finally cave and the whole cycle just starts again. Just feel like I can’t ever win at times

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 02/06/2023 22:16

Hmmm chill out on the controlling comments and let him be an adult. He's going to get defensive if you question everything he does, it must be infuriating for him.

You don't need to tell an adult to be careful with his kids or comment on a one off drink that's apparently bad for a kid.

Maybe your not doing it to be co trolling more of a busy body with good intentions but either way there's no need for it

aSofaNearYou · 02/06/2023 22:19

I don't see anything wrong with those comments. The prime one at most, as it sounded disapproving, but the others were absolutely fine.

Only you can say if this is something you do too often and too much and that's the problem, but from what you've included here, he sounds like a twat.

Pixiedust1234 · 02/06/2023 22:20

Even if you were in the wrong for mentioning them, and I don't think you were, his response is very over the top and aggressive. He's shutting you down so you dare not say anything and that's not a healthy relationship.

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 22:23

febrezeme · 02/06/2023 22:08

@bellbellb

It's just the constant health and safety input on your part which would drive me nuts and piss me off if I was him. I hear you about the chairs - my kids would be super glued to the wooden ones - but if that comment was just one of a number which you make when it comes to when / how he parents or if you do it in every conversation you have with him when it comes to the children then I can see why he would get cheesed off and is starting to lose his temper with you?

Ok I do fully understand what you mean. The thing is, and this is going to add to the whole ‘I think I’m the high and mighty parent malarkey’ I know, but my partners risk assessments when it comes to the children just lacks at times and so I just sometimes feel the need to give the odd prompt just to make him aware of things. For example the other week I just wanted a 5 minute shower, 2 minutes of being upstairs our 9 month old baby crawled into the bathroom after climbing the whole set of stairs alone whilst he was supposed to be keeping an eye on him. When we went on a caravan holiday he went on ahead with DD and DSS whilst I got ready with DS and got to where they were to find DD no where in site and he hadn’t even realised cause he was sat on his phone, took 15 minutes to find her in the arcades. All you see is me being health and safety but what if I have to be?

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 02/06/2023 22:24

I’d ask for this to be moved to step parents forum.

PaigeMatthews · 02/06/2023 22:24

Is the dd both your child?

honestly if you feel you cannot breath, that’s no way to live. leave him properly. If he shows up on the school run, call the police.

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