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Original poster

Partner is SO defensive

67 replies

bellbellb · 02/06/2023 21:28

Is anyone else's partner constantly on the defensive? I feel like I can't breathe at times without offending him honestly.
Last Friday eve he got back from work and picking up DSS (age 10) on way home, and DSS has walked in with one of those 'Prime' drinks in his hands. I mentioned to my partner quietly 'do you know how bad those drinks are - the caffeine in them?' As pretty sure I read somewhere that they have the equivalent to 2 and a half cans of red bull. That was it, on the defensive straight away saying 'can't even buy him a drink without you making comments, it's a one off just let him enjoy it' and honestly this gets my back up so I just reply with a 'if you say so' which results in him getting in a huff, grabbing the drink from DSS and pouring it down the sink in front of him so I'm instantly evil step mum. There was another incident that weekend where we were at my mums house, she has two dining tables one with wooden chairs and one with fabric chairs, again he got defensive as I made the children stay seated on wooden chairs with chocolate ice cream vs DSS going to sit on fabric chairs as he asked to. Apparently I was on some sort of power trip? This resulted in a huge argument and me staying an extra night at my mums whilst he went home. Hardly seen him all week because of his long work hours and then he comes home tonight saying tomorrow he's going to take the children out on the river next to us on our little blow up boat we have (I've been poorly past two days so I said I'd see how I feel) but ALL I said to him was just go careful going under the bridge as I noticed the other day there was some white water on the other side of it. And that has some how resulted in a huge argument? Him telling me ' so that's it DD can't come now is it' 'well there was loads of families out on it yesterday evening' - it's like I can't say a single thing without him feeling like it's a huge dig towards him. Constantly walking on eggshells. Am I a moaning myrtle or is he over the top??

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 22:25

Why don't you bring it up when it's not about an issue. Say I've noticed a few times that you've seemed upset or annoyed when I've asked you to do something or made a comment on things about the kids. I don't want you to feel annoyed, can we talk about how we can fix this together?

Neodymium · 02/06/2023 22:29

There is prime energy and prime hydration. Most of the ones I’ve seen have been the hydration one. No caffeine and basically same as Gatorade. My oldest son bought himself a few bottles and my younger son actually was arguing with him saying it had caffeine too.

they also taste really awful 😂. I’m pretty sure my son tipped it out and refilled the bottle with water and was drinking it from the prime bottle.

i think people who react like your partner are very insecure. He seems to be like a moody teenager. Do you have children together ?

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 22:30

PaigeMatthews · 02/06/2023 22:24

Is the dd both your child?

honestly if you feel you cannot breath, that’s no way to live. leave him properly. If he shows up on the school run, call the police.

Yes so he has his son (10), then we have two children together DD (4) and DS (9 months)

OP posts:
Polik · 02/06/2023 22:34

Instead of constantly criticising his parenting on a drip drip small scale, why not have a more indepth conversation about each of your hard-lines on parenting. From that decide if you are capable of parenting together, or not

Remember, if you separateand he doesn't self-reflect, he will parent in the same way just without your criticism. So it won't change any outcomes for your children.

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 22:37

Neodymium · 02/06/2023 22:29

There is prime energy and prime hydration. Most of the ones I’ve seen have been the hydration one. No caffeine and basically same as Gatorade. My oldest son bought himself a few bottles and my younger son actually was arguing with him saying it had caffeine too.

they also taste really awful 😂. I’m pretty sure my son tipped it out and refilled the bottle with water and was drinking it from the prime bottle.

i think people who react like your partner are very insecure. He seems to be like a moody teenager. Do you have children together ?

See I wasn’t aware of that! So I do hold my hands up to that one, shouldn’t of said anything - just panicked as thought they were these really high caffeine drinks when it’s come to light these past few months that partners heart issues could potentially be hereditary and I’m a panicker as it is 😅
Moody teenager is perfect way to describe him at times. Yes he has his son from a previous relationship and then we have a 4 year old and 9 month old.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 02/06/2023 22:42

It's one of these, or maybe both -

  • A situation full of tension where one partner is absolutely fed up the other. They love under constant comments and criticism over every little thing they do. They cannot exist or do something normal without it being commented on. They most likely live with a controlling person who tries to manover their partner into position with these comments, and the other partner is very tired of it.
  • A situation where one partner is neurotic and can't handle any kind of criticism over anything they do. Nothing can be discussed or negotiated without it becoming a massive deal and the other partner being demonised for raising anything other than positive.

Which one do you think applies the most? How vigilant do you think you are over what other people do? Personally, those drinks are crap, but if it's only an infrequent treat, maybe it doesn't need a comment?

EarthSight · 02/06/2023 22:43

live under*

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 02/06/2023 22:52

It does sound a little bit nitpicking, if you don't mind me saying. It does (sorry!) sound a little like you piss over anything nice - a drink, you can't have that. You have to sit on the right chair before you can have an ice cream. For God's sake don't go in the water, it has water in it. Loosening up a little might mean everyone feels a bit more relaxed and gets on better.

Your partner is an arse though and is reacting like a stroppy teen, which is unnecessary. I feel sorry for your SS who had a drink bought for him, that was then snatched away and poured down the sink - and it probably didn't have any caffeine in it anyway. That was yours and your partners fault you both need to do better

iamenough2023 · 02/06/2023 22:58

While we cannot know for sure the circumstances under which these things took place unless we were witnessing it ourselves, I feel like I understand where you are coming from. My ex was like that, he is very narcissistic and I could never say anything remotely critical to him as he would get really upset. This kind of personality is very difficult to live with and sort problems with. I totally get it that you may be overly critical of him, that you may say these things in a way that he feels attacked, but I still think that he should not react the way he does. Bottom line is as a mother, I feel it is my responsibility to protect my children at all times, even if it means protecting them from their own father. I do not care what anyone thinks about this, but for me, my kids come first, second and third and their safety and well being are waaaaay above their father's ego.

Having said all this, not sure what advice I could give you. Of course you should try to solve this with your partner, perhaps try therapy as you clearly need help from someone who will mediate between the two of you and help you communicate. However, get ready to be disappointed as this may not work at all even if he agrees to try. When I suggested couples therapy to my ex he flat our refused saying he does not want to share his personal problems with a stranger. 🤨

gettingoldisshit · 02/06/2023 23:01

Each of the things you said is fine if you take them as one off isolated comments but it comes across like you are constantly saying these little things and maybe he feels criticised and judged by you? It would most certainly piss me off if a partner made comments about everything i did with the kids!

Dery · 02/06/2023 23:06

“It does sound a little bit nitpicking, if you don't mind me saying. It does (sorry!) sound a little like you piss over anything nice - a drink, you can't have that. You have to sit on the right chair before you can have an ice cream. For God's sake don't go in the water, it has water in it. Loosening up a little might mean everyone feels a bit more relaxed and gets on better.

Your partner is an arse though and is reacting like a stroppy teen, which is unnecessary. I feel sorry for your SS who had a drink bought for him, that was then snatched away and poured down the sink - and it probably didn't have any caffeine in it anyway. That was yours and your partners fault you both need to do better”

For me, it’s this. You sound picky and like you don’t trust his judgement. He overreacts.

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:09

iamenough2023 · 02/06/2023 22:58

While we cannot know for sure the circumstances under which these things took place unless we were witnessing it ourselves, I feel like I understand where you are coming from. My ex was like that, he is very narcissistic and I could never say anything remotely critical to him as he would get really upset. This kind of personality is very difficult to live with and sort problems with. I totally get it that you may be overly critical of him, that you may say these things in a way that he feels attacked, but I still think that he should not react the way he does. Bottom line is as a mother, I feel it is my responsibility to protect my children at all times, even if it means protecting them from their own father. I do not care what anyone thinks about this, but for me, my kids come first, second and third and their safety and well being are waaaaay above their father's ego.

Having said all this, not sure what advice I could give you. Of course you should try to solve this with your partner, perhaps try therapy as you clearly need help from someone who will mediate between the two of you and help you communicate. However, get ready to be disappointed as this may not work at all even if he agrees to try. When I suggested couples therapy to my ex he flat our refused saying he does not want to share his personal problems with a stranger. 🤨

This sums it up!!! Exactly this. Obviously not the chair situation but with the other two the ‘what ifs’ crept in. With the drink I think a few days before I read an awful report about a young lad who had cardiac issues after having a prime drink (must of been the energy one) and due to my partners heart issues I just thought ‘what if xyz happens’ and I don’t say something. Then with the boat situation ‘what if he doesn’t see the fast water’ ‘what if something bad happens and I could of mentioned it just to of made him aware’ - like when did protecting his ego matter more then the safety of the children. The only time I ever make a comment to him is if I think there could be a risk involved. The chair incident wasn’t aimed towards him. He’s proved to me before how irresponsible he can be, his love for his children is endless but his risk assessments are questionable.
funnily enough I texted him on Tuesday regarding couples counselling which was ignored, mentioned it when he got home and he just straight up said not a chance 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:32

Dery · 02/06/2023 23:06

“It does sound a little bit nitpicking, if you don't mind me saying. It does (sorry!) sound a little like you piss over anything nice - a drink, you can't have that. You have to sit on the right chair before you can have an ice cream. For God's sake don't go in the water, it has water in it. Loosening up a little might mean everyone feels a bit more relaxed and gets on better.

Your partner is an arse though and is reacting like a stroppy teen, which is unnecessary. I feel sorry for your SS who had a drink bought for him, that was then snatched away and poured down the sink - and it probably didn't have any caffeine in it anyway. That was yours and your partners fault you both need to do better”

For me, it’s this. You sound picky and like you don’t trust his judgement. He overreacts.

Thing is I haven’t always been like this. Just little things that have happened have made me over think situations and their outcomes more I suppose. Shouldn’t of said anything about the drink, had something fresh in my mind about that drink and just panicked but still shouldn’t of said it. With the chairs though surely you wouldn’t let a 4 year old who is going to get messy purposely go and sit on the nice stainable chairs when they could just stay put for five minutes on ones that could be wiped clean?! Save my mum getting it in the neck from her husband when he got home then 😅 and with the river, I wasn’t criticising anything, purely making him aware of something I had seen from the top of the bridge (it’s a big bridge and river) which he may not of seen from just getting in at water level? I agree I’m not perfect, when drink was taken away I told him not too but obviously fell on deaf ears. Thing is, what if I don’t trust his judgment? What if he’s done things in the past which have made me question his judgement?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/06/2023 23:35

There is no way on this earth, I would like one man take out more than one child on a blowup boat. No way.

iamenough2023 · 02/06/2023 23:41

Thing is, what if I don’t trust his judgment? What if he’s done things in the past which have made me question his judgement? I hear you @bellbellb

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:41

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/06/2023 23:35

There is no way on this earth, I would like one man take out more than one child on a blowup boat. No way.

He is actually taking his brother with them. The boat isn’t just a little dingy, it fits 4 people and is quite sturdy, both children have life jackets too.

OP posts:
Polik · 02/06/2023 23:46

what if I don’t trust his judgment?

I'd question why you had children with him in the first place?

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:54

Because I was young and naive, I’d just turned 20 when I’d met him and never even considered all that. I didn’t question his judgement before I had children with him, after that then they became my priority and I realised.

OP posts:
iamenough2023 · 02/06/2023 23:54

Seriously@Polik !? Not everyone is blessed with psychic abilities to predict what kind of a father their boyfriend is going to be or what kind of a partner down the road.

Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:55

bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:54

Because I was young and naive, I’d just turned 20 when I’d met him and never even considered all that. I didn’t question his judgement before I had children with him, after that then they became my priority and I realised.

@Polik

OP posts:
Original poster
bellbellb · 02/06/2023 23:57

iamenough2023 · 02/06/2023 23:54

Seriously@Polik !? Not everyone is blessed with psychic abilities to predict what kind of a father their boyfriend is going to be or what kind of a partner down the road.

@iamenough2023 your responses 🙌🏼

OP posts:
EllandRd · 02/06/2023 23:59

And for the record OP, Prrime drinks have no caffeine in them at all, so I would be annoyed at your nagging too.

CombatBarbie · 03/06/2023 00:05

Was the prime a bottle or a can... The cans contain caffeine. The bottles don't....

Original poster
bellbellb · 03/06/2023 00:05

EllandRd · 02/06/2023 23:59

And for the record OP, Prrime drinks have no caffeine in them at all, so I would be annoyed at your nagging too.

Actually there are two types. One with caffeine and one without. Regardless of this I’ve already admitted I shouldn’t of said anything in that scenario - was just that morning I had seen this on Facebook so was fresh on my mind https://www.southwalesargus.co.uk/news/23514867.newport-child-suffers-cardiac-episode-drinking-prime-energy/

Warning after Newport child suffers 'cardiac episode' after drinking Prime

A NEWPORT child has reportedly suffered a "cardiac episode" after drinking an energy drink which has become a social media fad in recent…

https://www.southwalesargus.co.uk/news/23514867.newport-child-suffers-cardiac-episode-drinking-prime-energy/

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 03/06/2023 00:08

OK seen update where you didn't see the difference between the primes, and if you can comment without knowing facts because you think you know better, this would irk me too tbh. Chocolate ice cream, yeah I see your point. But on balance you are saying essentially that he doesn't know how to look after his kids and this is why he acts like that.