Page 3 | Partner is SO defensive

Cupcakekiller · 03/06/2023 07:55

Let him parent his own child and keep out of it. You sound like my ex.

Codlingmoths · 03/06/2023 08:13

CombatBarbie · 03/06/2023 00:08

OK seen update where you didn't see the difference between the primes, and if you can comment without knowing facts because you think you know better, this would irk me too tbh. Chocolate ice cream, yeah I see your point. But on balance you are saying essentially that he doesn't know how to look after his kids and this is why he acts like that.

If you lose a 4 year old in an arcade because you are sitting on your phone and you haven’t even NOTICED when your partner comes up then you can’t look after your kids.
if your 9mo crawls up stairs while you are watching them then you can’t look after kids.
I wouldn’t be able to let him watch my kids so the op probably lives in a constant state of stress when he’s got the dc that maybe they won’t all make it back. He’s a shit dad and a sulky child of a partner.

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2023 08:43

If you lose a 4 year old in an arcade because you are sitting on your phone and you haven’t even NOTICED when your partner comes up then you can’t look after your kids.
if your 9mo crawls up stairs while you are watching them then you can’t look after kids.
I wouldn’t be able to let him watch my kids so the op probably lives in a constant state of stress when he’s got the dc that maybe they won’t all make it back. He’s a shit dad and a sulky child of a partner.

I agree.

I'm all for not micromanaging but he sounds really irresponsible.

Watchkeys · 03/06/2023 10:06

Am I a moaning myrtle or is he over the top

I think you need to grow up. It's not about who is right or wrong. There are no rules. You do things one way, he does things another, and you're rubbing each other up the wrong way.

Being in a relationship means relating to each other. 'Am I wrong or is he??' isn't a healthy way to deal with conflict. You don't seem to have a natural inclination to try to understand things from his side, and he doesn't have the inclination to try to understand your side. You're both too busy trying to be 'right', which is just your egos trying to defend themselves. Children can have caffeinated drinks. They can sit on all kinds of chair. They can go out in inflatable boats. There's no such things as a moaning myrtle, and there's nothing for him to be 'over the top' of. There is no right or wrong. But you're simply not being nice to each other, or trying to understand each other. Why do you want to be with him, if you're constantly on eggshells because you have stuff to say when he does things differently from how you would (i.e. often), and he responds in a way that makes you feel like you can't be yourself?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2023 10:22

Do you mean you’ve tried to break up with him and he’s talked you round? That’s a hell of a drip feed if so. If you don’t want to be with him then dump him, he can’t stop you. He can have the kids unsupervised though unless you can prove he’s actually negligent and they’re not safe with him.

Tbh I think one of the few benefits of step parenting before you have your own is getting to see your partner parenting and being able to see if you’re on the same page and can bring shared children up well together. You might have been 20 but if he abused alcohol, is a shit parent to his older child and communication between you is poor it was very optimistic to think he’d magically change into someone else because you had a baby together. He wasn’t going to, he hasn’t. It’s done now, two additional children have what you think is a crap dad who makes dangerous decisions.

So now what? Stay and hope by giving him constant reminders he’ll step up, or leave and trust he’ll do better without having you and your opinions as back up and the kids are safe?

Keitharingsbitch · 03/06/2023 10:33

He sounds huffy and it sounds exhausting. Especially if he won't let you explain stuff. But also it would irritate me if you sad I'll informed shit you think you'd read online. It takes seconds to Google stuff...

I also wonder if this is a bit of an indication that you think you're right without being informed or thinking properly? It's hard to know. But if this type of thing was frequent it would irritate the shit out of me. But then people being ill informed and acting like they are is a real irritant of mine!

Manichean · 03/06/2023 13:38

He sounds like an arse, as do some of the posters criticising you - one even said you were 'nagging' - bloody misgynists.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 03/06/2023 15:23

@bellbellb what were his reactions to his baby and stairs, and DD and arcade, parenting fails?

18Floral · 17/02/2024 01:13

I'm totally with you. My partners kids are the most offensive, selfish little *%it's I've ever known
I have taught them to say please and thankyou as they didnt know those words before! When round ours they spend our entire weekly budget in one day, and their dad let's them. When I comment that we have spent £50 on their two meals and add ons, he snaps, then wonders why we're over drawn in our joint account. This happens for 3 days evey week, whereas we spend about £5 a day for both of us.

The kids bully me for this and tell their mum I mistreat them because I'm always on about money, but we do need to survive.

The kids have now accused me of all sorts to split us up and it has worked!!@

zerored · 17/02/2024 02:07

For those criticising you would they be happy leaving their children with this irresponsible man whilst not being able to question his 'parenting choices'? I doubt it. You must feel really stressed and anxious. I'm not sure what the answer is here because he clearly can't be trusted with them alone based on the other things you've said. I think you're doing the right thing in raising issues that worry you, you need to try protect your little ones at all cost.

RandomForest · 17/02/2024 05:41

Someone has to be the responsive parent.

And that parent is often accused of being uptight, analyctical, wary, paranoid, anal, a killjoy, overbearing, contolling, a whittler, a worrier, a moaner, and god knows how many more.

I've seen unresponsive parents, I would leave a budgie in their safekeeping.

Some people are crap at seeing further than their nose.

They don't even know or are aware that they are crap, which is even more worrying.

Luckycloverz · 17/02/2024 05:53

Old thread from last year...

RandomForest · 17/02/2024 05:54

Luckycloverz · 17/02/2024 05:53

Old thread from last year...

We know

We notice

We still comment.

Luckycloverz · 17/02/2024 05:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Itsamthing · 17/02/2024 06:41

bellbellb · 02/06/2023 21:28

Is anyone else's partner constantly on the defensive? I feel like I can't breathe at times without offending him honestly.
Last Friday eve he got back from work and picking up DSS (age 10) on way home, and DSS has walked in with one of those 'Prime' drinks in his hands. I mentioned to my partner quietly 'do you know how bad those drinks are - the caffeine in them?' As pretty sure I read somewhere that they have the equivalent to 2 and a half cans of red bull. That was it, on the defensive straight away saying 'can't even buy him a drink without you making comments, it's a one off just let him enjoy it' and honestly this gets my back up so I just reply with a 'if you say so' which results in him getting in a huff, grabbing the drink from DSS and pouring it down the sink in front of him so I'm instantly evil step mum. There was another incident that weekend where we were at my mums house, she has two dining tables one with wooden chairs and one with fabric chairs, again he got defensive as I made the children stay seated on wooden chairs with chocolate ice cream vs DSS going to sit on fabric chairs as he asked to. Apparently I was on some sort of power trip? This resulted in a huge argument and me staying an extra night at my mums whilst he went home. Hardly seen him all week because of his long work hours and then he comes home tonight saying tomorrow he's going to take the children out on the river next to us on our little blow up boat we have (I've been poorly past two days so I said I'd see how I feel) but ALL I said to him was just go careful going under the bridge as I noticed the other day there was some white water on the other side of it. And that has some how resulted in a huge argument? Him telling me ' so that's it DD can't come now is it' 'well there was loads of families out on it yesterday evening' - it's like I can't say a single thing without him feeling like it's a huge dig towards him. Constantly walking on eggshells. Am I a moaning myrtle or is he over the top??

Have you tried being supportive instead of critical, it might just be how you word your comments. Sound like you treat him as a child, and it sounds like he behaves like a child when you are critical. Tricky.

pictoosh · 17/02/2024 07:02

My husband is a nitpicker and depending on his frame of mind, will sometimes have something to say about everything...a barb, a criticism, a haughty observation. I mostly lalala in my head while succeeding in not braining him but every now and again I explode and tell him to mind his own fucking business.

"DSS has walked in with one of those 'Prime' drinks in his hands. I mentioned to my partner quietly 'do you know how bad those drinks are - the caffeine in them?'"

Do. You. Know?
He's not a child ffs and doesn't need you to oversee him. Yes he knows. Mind your own business.

No idea if your dh is a sensitive snowdrop who needs to handle conflict in a better way...but you sound like a supervisor.

pickledandpuzzled · 17/02/2024 07:58

The man’s a controlling arse who won’t take responsibility for the safety of his children and explodes when OP says anything about it. And won’t let her leave, stalking and harassment.

but by all means criticise her. Hopefully she has now left, as I’d be surprised if he has learnt how to be a grown up.