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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive ex and child's birthday party

66 replies

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 07:38

Need some advice on how you deal with ex. Bit of background is we split 6 and a half years ago, I went into a woman's refuge. He was extremely emotionally and mentally abuse as well as financial. After we split he's still held control eg. Child maintenance, bullying me into days he wants our child. I would always get loads of abuse until i gave in and agreed.
Fast forward and now I actually stand up for myself. However the abuse is more frequent and worse since I'm standing up for myself and setting boundaries.

I'm currently waiting for court from him. I have a domestic abuse advisor and have also now issued a statement to the police for malicious communication and harassment.
I've spoken to my solicitor about our child's party as it's in a few weeks. Last year we paid half and him and his sister was there. However he didn't engage with any of the other mums. He sat so far away from all of the party with his sister whilst I was running around hosting. It was awkward.

So our son wanted another party, it isn't on his weekend but he's asking what's going on as him and his family want to know. I can't think of anything more worse and intimidating than his whole family turning up and sitting in a corner giving me evils. My solicitor said it wasn't unreasonable to both do separate things considering the circumstances and how he is with me.
I've just messaged him and said I think we should do separate things for our child's birthday and I'm now getting abuse from him calling me all kinds of names. Feeling really anxious now. Standing up to him doesn't come easy and I guess I've given in because I'm scared of him.
Has anyone else had similar?

OP posts:

ShandaLear · 02/06/2023 08:07

‘I organised the last one. It’s your turn to organise this one. I’ll leave it with you. Just let me know what time you want us to turn up.’

Original poster

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 09:29

ShandaLear · 02/06/2023 08:07

‘I organised the last one. It’s your turn to organise this one. I’ll leave it with you. Just let me know what time you want us to turn up.’

It's not about organising though. I don't want him or his family there to further abuse and intimidate me.

OP posts:

ZekeZeke · 02/06/2023 09:40

Ignore him.
If he wants to organise a party for his family let him work away.
You organise your own party, he doesn't need to be invited. It's not his day.
He doesn't get to control and abuse you anymore.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 02/06/2023 09:40

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 09:29

It's not about organising though. I don't want him or his family there to further abuse and intimidate me.

Show quote history

Yes, but you don’t attend. So you let him organize THE birthday party for his family and anyone else he wishes to invite, and you do your own thing on your own time - maybe let DS have friends over for pizza and a film or have your family over for cake and candles.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 02/06/2023 09:41

or call it two separate parties if you’re worried he won’t organize anything at all and your son will be let down

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/06/2023 09:44

Tell him you’re not prepared to discuss this with him. Tell him to organise his own celebrations on his weekend. Ignore any messages after that about this. He will enjoy getting any kind of reaction from you.

Summerdayz530 · 02/06/2023 09:45

The more you assert your own boundaries and stick up for yourself the easier it will become so keep on going, accept it’s tough right now and be kind to yourself.

And yes to the separate parties. Don’t engage further than a sorry you feel this way but I am sticking to my decision.

Summerdayz530 · 02/06/2023 09:45

Sorry pressed send. Sticking to my decision as in the best interest of the child.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 02/06/2023 12:12

Please don't tell him where the party is, if it's at a different venue from home. And if you're having a party at your home, he is refused entry.

Original poster

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 15:02

ZekeZeke · 02/06/2023 09:40

Sorry I don't think it was clear from my OP. I have booked a party already

OP posts:

TheCheeseTray · 02/06/2023 15:04

Do everything by email. Offer his time to have his party in and when the child is available and just then ignore anything else and repeat and rinse

Original poster

Sparkleandsequin · 02/06/2023 15:06

Originally we had discussed organising a party together. However with his escalated intimidation and threats towards me I'm no longer comfortable doing so. Now I'm the most disgusting human according to him as I'm stopping him going. All I've said to him is I think we should do separate birthday things. I've paid for the party myself and he hasn't paid me for any of it

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 02/06/2023 15:13

Does he know where/when the party is? Does DS - is he likely to tell him? Are any of his invited guests likely to spill the details if asked? If not crack on and ignore - if they might consider moving it- or speaking to your solicitor about a no contract type order between him and you.

I would suggest moving contact with him to one of the Parenting Apps so that there is a clear record of what he is saying to you that is admissible in court.

SpringleDingle · 02/06/2023 15:16

It's totally normal not to invite your ex to the party you organise for a joint child. I assume going forward he wouldn't be organising a party with your child's school friends and even if he did (more power to his arm as I bloody hate those things!) you wouldn't need to go. In addition he does not need to attend any parties you organise. A child doesn't have ONE official party that everyone needs to attend or they've missed the "thing". It's not like a wedding! My DD has many parties. One with her school friends that I organise because it is my duty. One with my family. One with her Dad and his family. They go in any old order depending on which weekend she is with whom. It's grand.

Take from that waffle that despite what he says YOU are not being unreasonable. I find it easier to assert my boundaries when I am 100% clear that they aren't unreasonable. Your solicitor says it, the ladies here will say it and I say it. Your ex and his family don't have any rights to attend any party you organise and shouldn't expect it.

How you deal with this is to say; I am organising a small get together with some school mums for kid's birthday. It's not something appropriate for wider family and I am not comfortable having you join us based on the recent levels of animosity. If you'd like to organise something for kid and your family I am sure kid would be delighted.

Then you turn the phone off. You do need to find other ways to communicate though. Either just by email or via one of those apps for dealing with abusive exes. Having him blowing up your phone with this shit must give you heart palputations.

RandomMess · 02/06/2023 15:17

You need to organise a party for DS on your weekend if you want one.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/06/2023 15:30

Just keep reiterating xx)s birthday is when he is with me so I will sort that party, you can do another one for him when he is with you

and keep repeating

StarGazerOriental · 02/06/2023 15:42

Stop communicating directly with him and put everything through your solicitor. If he wants to speak with you he talks to your solicitor and you reply via them. You’re only giving him what he wants with direct communication,his past abusive behaviour doesn’t give him the privilege to speak to you directly. You owe this man nothing after the way he’s treated you OP. Personally I’d be ignoring him and blocking him from contacting me, that what I did with my ex and once he realised I wasn’t willing to speak with him directly he crawled back under the stone he’d come from.

StarGazerOriental · 02/06/2023 15:45

I have a domestic abuse advisor and have also now issued a statement to the police for malicious communication and harassment.

Also given the above there’s no way in hell I’d be allowing him to call/text or email directly, I’m sure you’ve probably already been advised of this though.

PollyDarton1 · 02/06/2023 15:51

Absolutely, categorically - have separate parties, or at the very least, hold a party and tell him nothing about it. There is literally no legal rule that stipulates an ex has to attend a child's party if the other parent is hosting - these sorts of things only really work when both parents are amicable and absolutely shouldn't be done in the case where there is abuse in a relationship.

I hold a party/gathering for my son, and his dad does something on his time. We alternate birthdays, so every other year we each get the chance to do something on the day. He's a toxic piece of shit, and I want absolutely no part in anything he arranges, and he wouldn't want to be around me either.

TeddyBeans · 02/06/2023 15:59

I don't tell him DS is having one. I also don't tell DS he's having one until a week before so he can't spill the beans. I would recommend this approach for you from now on.

Seems like it's too late for that this year so I'd just tell him he's not invited due to the atmosphere he created last time. DS deserves to enjoy his party and he can't do that when there's palpable tension between his parents. Your ex can arrange his own thing to do with DS

Freefall212 · 02/06/2023 16:02

Are you using a Family Wizard type app for communication? Wi would only communicate with him via specific channels.

You have told him you want separate parties. Ignore all further related communication about the party.

Singleandproud · 02/06/2023 16:05

DDs dad and his family have never been to her birthday party. I arrange it on whichever of the weekends she's with me and he doesn't know anything about it. He then organises something himself when DD is with him he would never organise a class party anyway. DD enjoys having two birthdays.

Stop letting him contact you when
he likes to. Change your sim and keep the number he knows for use for the evening before DD is due to be with him incase of cancellation and keep it on while she's with him in case of emergency and then turn it off.

MonkeyToez · 02/06/2023 16:05

I was in this exact situation several years ago as DS asked ex if he was coming to his party and ex said yes without asking me. He started a huge argument about it when I told him he wasn't invited for obvious reasons so would not be attending. It was the last straw for me as he attempted to gaslight me when I confronted him about his abuse being the reason that I couldn't be around him any more and since then I have refused any direct contact with him as PPs have suggested to you. It's been a mostly peaceful 4 years since.

Remember he can only argue if you engage. Don't let him draw you in.

Original poster

Sparkleandsequin · 03/06/2023 06:38

What do I say to my son about his dad not coming to his party? As he is expecting him to

OP posts:

VashtaNerada · 03/06/2023 06:54

Just say you’re going to have two birthday celebrations this year (don’t use the word party if you’re not sure what your ex will do with him). You’ll have the party with mummy, and you’ll do presents with daddy on his weekend.

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