Not good enough then

[Izbizbiz]

I have a question and I’m hoping someone can help.
my partner and I had a chat a while back and I guess I was fishing for compliments/looking for reassurance at the time.
he often talks about how he and his ex weren’t suited and how they shouldn’t have married. Anyway, I can’t remember what prompted the question but I think I was feeling adored by him at that moment and for some reason, I asked- would you have chosen me if we had met earlier. He said no. I quite quickly said- well, maybe not me persay, but someone like me and he said no again.
he asked me if I would have chosen him and i said yes. He’s remained my type.
anyway, it hurt me at the time and it’s festered.
i asked him again yesterday what he meant and he said he was looking to settle down and he got the opinion I wasn’t at that age. I said- I was with the same man from 21 and I was married at 25. All of this he knew. What part of that suggests I wasn’t looking to settle down?
he said- we would have had a lot of fun and enjoyed one another but he chose a quiet girl who didn’t really drink but was clever and wanted to settle down.
ill admit this triggered me because I think you can be all of those things and we went on to talk about being wholesome and the cliché of a girl you would have fun with versus a girl you would take home to your mum. I said something like- no one wants to feel like they aren’t good enough to be taken home to your mum and I think most women would wonder why you would choose to settle down with one person and not the other but be willing to show a totally different type of woman attention. He agreed with me.
i then went on to say - what’s changed in the interim then? I mean, you married the quiet girl, had kids with her and it didn’t work out. Now you are with the party girl. Why is that ok now? He said something like- I’m at a different stage of my life and I’ve learned what I want and I’ve changed.
so, I sat there feeling not really good enough and a bit of a joke.
it did take me back to my younger days and feeling like I’m less than whoever.
also, that I’m not quite his first choice for his life but now he has the house, the car and the children, he doesn’t need the wife to go along with it. I guess I thought I was that wife. To hear I wasn’t hurt me. I know I sound a bit naive.
I think I thought I was everything to him. All of those things he wanted AND good fun, sexual and a party girl. It also makes me see him in a different light, that he chose someone and conformed to societal expectation but was happy to slap it around with different types of girls for fun . I guess many of us do that so maybe I’m unfair.
I think the issue is that he sees I wouldn’t have been the one he would have chosen at the time. So he sees something in me that wouldn’t have ticked that box for him. I wasn’t who he wanted back then. I’ve always thought i would have been, had we met.
I suppose my question is - am I being overly sensitive In not liking how this makes me feel after seeing myself through his eyes? And why do you think he is with me now? Am I just a bit of fun to him but not the respectable and sensible choice he would be proud to marry?
mum in a bit of a quandary.
we do have a lot of fun. We are both incredibly sexual and flirty with one another. Last night we went to bed and I’ll admit, I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I feel like my purpose to him is very different to my understanding now. I think I thought I was this person who ticked all of his boxes but now I feel like he outsourced the ‘respectful’ part and now I’m just here for the part that is a bit seedy and perhaps he’s just using me.
I don’t know.
he says he loves me and is in love with me. I just don’t think that can be the case.
please help 😥

Hmm, I can understand why you feel upset, but it might have more to do with the expectations of his parents. That he felt he was supposed to choose a very sensible person and live a very sensible life. And actually he's not like that really? And now no longer cares what his parents expect etc....how long have you 2 been together? Have you met his friends and family? And did you tell him how this made you feel?

So he said that he wouldn't have chosen you at the time because he was looking for someone more quiet and serious - a certain "type". Then he married that type and it didn't work out. Now he's older and understands himself better and wants to be with someone like you - and he is with you. So he's admitting that he was wrong before and right now? I think this is a compliment to you? Admittedly it's not great that he seems to categorise women as certain types - I agree this is rather misogynistic. But leaving that aside, I think he's basically trying to be nice?

We have been together for 4.5 years. We have had little interaction with his friends and family until lately. His dad doesn’t like me. We don’t live together for lots of reasons but I wonder if there’s a bigger reason now

I guess so. I suppose the kicker is that he kind of still believes there’s girls you take home and fun girls. Clearly I’m the latter. His mum has since passed away.
circumstances don’t change how he views me though and how I thought he viewed me. I thought I was good enough to be taken back home

The concern is (a) his sexist thinking bit also (b) how this will nag at you

you are I’m sure so much more than a party girl (what does that even mean ?)

Does his dad not like you because you aren't the sensible quiet ex? 4.5 years is a long time to not think someone is long term partner material. But yeah the madonna/whore complex he seems to have going on isn't great

If his dad is rude enough to show that he doesn't like his son's girlfriend, even though you have only met a few times, then I think maybe you have your answer.

It sounds to me like his dad has strong views on what he expected from his son. The first marriage was son conforming to expectations and it didn't work. So now your dp is with you, someone who suits him and makes him happy, in defiance of his father, but that doesn't stop his dad disapproving and making it obvious.

It could also be why you've spent relatively little time with his family. Your dp knows his dad is rude and dictatorial, and he doesn't want to inflict that on you.

I think we are dancing around the word - slag/tart WITH HIM, someone who likes letting their hair down and to have fun together. Drinks and is a laugh

I don't know what persay means, what I think is he's acknowledging life stages are different but he's gone about it like a bull in a china shop. And he's showing misogynistic traits.

Oh OP you are good enough to be taken back home.

You like to have fun and sex, well hello 21stCentury.

So be feisty.
Tell him to go home and you "need some space".

If he is making you feel "not good enough" the relationship will slowly circle the drain.

What would the 22 year old party girl you have done when some ten-a-penny male said "you are not decent enough to meet my mother".

Is he that special?
Went through with a marriage and kids with another woman who could have found a more suitable lifelong partner, so kind of messed her life up to get the "respectable kids, house, car" whilst still happy to "slap around" with what he sees as "easy" party girls.

Are you sure you are feeling uneasy about yourself and not just starting to see him for who he actually is? With quite boring, knuckle dragging, unenlightened views on women. 'this one is for this, this one is for that, this one should never be married, the one you marry you don't have a bit of kink with, the ones whom enjoy sex shouldn't be mother's'.

You are fine OP don't let him change you or question yourself.

Seriously apart from his knob and having fun going out is he what you want?
Thank goodness you don't live together.
Can you go out with friends this weekend without him?

@Izbizbiz Sorry the father is dancing round the word slag/tart!?

I’ve asked him a few times why we aren’t spending time with his family and was told he doesn’t spend time with them and I believe that to be true. Things have picked up lately because I’ve pushed it. Now I’m wondering if that was by design rather than circumstance.

his dad was standoffish with me at a weekend away the first time we met and told me to ‘put him down’ because I kissed him. He says he doesn’t care what his dad thinks of me. His dads view is of no consequence to him. Doesn’t change the way it makes me feel though.

hes said to me before that his mum would have loved me. So I just don’t get it. Is it any easy thing to just say because we can’t prove otherwise?

his sister is always pleasant to me. They don’t tend to live in one another’s pockets so it’s difficult to know if this is how she would be or if she’s being polite. His brother in law made a point of pointing out our age difference and asking why I was with him. I’m 39 and he is 53. We have been together since 34 and 49.

he says I’m putting all of my slant on this and none of his.
this is his response-

1. When I was young and first started going out / settled down - I wasn’t this confident cocky guy. And I wanted a partner who was the same as me. But I naively also wanted her to be incredibly sexual - now that can happen but I learned quickly that wasnt the case. I wanted my cake and be able to eat it. Was never going to happen.

When I split up from Serious gf1 - I was a different guy. I was confident, self assured, outgoing, sexual and wanted to party. So I wanted a party girl(s) to have fun with / not to settle down.

When I had my fill of that I wanted to meet someone to settle down with. Again I went for someone, albeit more experienced (sexually and socially) but still quieter. I never learned a lesson from first time around. Thinking that’s what I wanted. 🙈

You asked a question if I would have chosen you - looking at the choices I made, the answer is no - I wouldn’t have chosen you. I would have partied and had (a lot) fun with you (at the stage of when I came out of the relationship with serious gf1) but when it came to settling down the choice i made at the time - I wouldn’t have chosen you to pursue to settle down.

My answer is based on the choices I made with the 2 serious relationships back then.

BOTH of which turned out to be the wrong decisions in my life.

MY life choices were wrong. When I chose the SAFE option I made the wrong choices.

IF I could turn back the clock and know then what I know now, i would have chosen you. But that wasn’t the question - the question was - back in the day would you have chosen me. Based on what I THOUGHT I wanted l, I wouldn’t have. 😔

What I have done is learned and realised what I lwant in life is not the safe, quiet mousy type woman.

It’s a confident outgoing sexually strong and open woman who wants me (and only me) I don’t want a sexually open woman who wants to fuck around and party with other people), who wants to laugh, party and love me for who I am.

I’ve found that in you. Your life choices, sexual experience/history do not bother me - they would have naively in the past. That’s on me not you.

I’ve said this to you before - what happened in the past is:

1. In the past
2. Made you who you are today - the woman I love and want to be with.

I love you and want you. For the woman you are today for the man I am today. I don’t care about your past, life choices etc and I don’t care about mine. I made mistakes in my past and learned from that - I think that’s what we all do.

I want you to be my wife and I want you to be in my life and my child’s life. If that tells you I only want you for party fun then you don’t know me or what I want. I love you. Like I have loved no other woman - EVER! 💕

I’m still not liking the word ‘safe’ option.
what does that make me? Unsafe?

I think you are reading far too much into this. He's just saying he was a different person at the time and looked for different things in a partner.

You get women on here all the time saying they married the 'safe, dependable' guy who they knew would be a good father/ husband. How is that different?

If thats his actual response I'd be reassured that he just didn't know himself back then. Sounds like he was fearful that sexually adventurous meant promiscuous or liable to cheat back then, he's realised that's not the case. Dont go shopping for stabs

I think those women are wrong too. I think you should have a relationship with someone who ticks all of your boxes. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love everything about my personality

OP ,just stop it!!

I love you and want you. For the woman you are today for the man I am today. I don’t care about your past, life choices etc and I don’t care about mine. I made mistakes in my past and learned from that - I think that’s what we all do.

I want you to be my wife and I want you to be in my life and my child’s life. If that tells you I only want you for party fun then you don’t know me or what I want. I love you. Like I have loved no other woman - EVER!

The quote you've posted above is a gorgeous love letter .What more can he say ?

Hmmm
No need to be kissing him in front of his family, especially when you hardly know them.

Does the age gap present a power imbalance?

Do you really talk in this much depth so often or was this a one off. You have been together for 4.5 years, surely things have settled down now?

But isn't he saying that he does love everything about your personality - now. But as a younger man he was (mistakenly) looking for something else.

It doesn't make you anything because you didn't exist back then for him to have made a choice about.

Op i mean this kindly but you sound like hard work! He has been completely honest with you and his last response is lovely, yet you are still finding fault! He sounds like he comes from quite an " uptight" family so i really wouldn't worry what they think of you! Stop projecting your insecurities on to him and just enjoy what you have together!

the form could have been more thought - through, but I don't think he means you're not his type

I've said something similar to my husband once - that have we met earlier we'd probably not get along which is a fair estimate in my eyes based on what I know about myself and what he was like. People change, often for the better, as they age :)

I mean...how many of us looks back at guys we fancied in early 20s and wonders what on earth was that?! 😃

You say you love him. He says this

I want you to be my wife and I want you to be in my life and my child’s life. If that tells you I only want you for party fun then you don’t know me or what I want. I love you. Like I have loved no other woman - EVER!

Kindly, if you still keep nitpicking and doubting you're going to create problems where there are none. You've expressed feelings of insecurity and not feeling good enough, and he has been honest, but also reassured you of his love. Stop poking the bear. If these issues run deeper, perhaps look into talking them through with a therapist.

Given your update, I don’t know what more you want from him. He is saying he was immature and made poor relationship choices in the past, but has now matured and knows himself and knows he wants you, that you, the person you are, is his correct match.

If that isn’t good enough for you, then let him go. Because your obsession over this is going to poison the relationship anyway.