Not good enough then

[Izbizbiz]

I have a question and I’m hoping someone can help.
my partner and I had a chat a while back and I guess I was fishing for compliments/looking for reassurance at the time.
he often talks about how he and his ex weren’t suited and how they shouldn’t have married. Anyway, I can’t remember what prompted the question but I think I was feeling adored by him at that moment and for some reason, I asked- would you have chosen me if we had met earlier. He said no. I quite quickly said- well, maybe not me persay, but someone like me and he said no again.
he asked me if I would have chosen him and i said yes. He’s remained my type.
anyway, it hurt me at the time and it’s festered.
i asked him again yesterday what he meant and he said he was looking to settle down and he got the opinion I wasn’t at that age. I said- I was with the same man from 21 and I was married at 25. All of this he knew. What part of that suggests I wasn’t looking to settle down?
he said- we would have had a lot of fun and enjoyed one another but he chose a quiet girl who didn’t really drink but was clever and wanted to settle down.
ill admit this triggered me because I think you can be all of those things and we went on to talk about being wholesome and the cliché of a girl you would have fun with versus a girl you would take home to your mum. I said something like- no one wants to feel like they aren’t good enough to be taken home to your mum and I think most women would wonder why you would choose to settle down with one person and not the other but be willing to show a totally different type of woman attention. He agreed with me.
i then went on to say - what’s changed in the interim then? I mean, you married the quiet girl, had kids with her and it didn’t work out. Now you are with the party girl. Why is that ok now? He said something like- I’m at a different stage of my life and I’ve learned what I want and I’ve changed.
so, I sat there feeling not really good enough and a bit of a joke.
it did take me back to my younger days and feeling like I’m less than whoever.
also, that I’m not quite his first choice for his life but now he has the house, the car and the children, he doesn’t need the wife to go along with it. I guess I thought I was that wife. To hear I wasn’t hurt me. I know I sound a bit naive.
I think I thought I was everything to him. All of those things he wanted AND good fun, sexual and a party girl. It also makes me see him in a different light, that he chose someone and conformed to societal expectation but was happy to slap it around with different types of girls for fun . I guess many of us do that so maybe I’m unfair.
I think the issue is that he sees I wouldn’t have been the one he would have chosen at the time. So he sees something in me that wouldn’t have ticked that box for him. I wasn’t who he wanted back then. I’ve always thought i would have been, had we met.
I suppose my question is - am I being overly sensitive In not liking how this makes me feel after seeing myself through his eyes? And why do you think he is with me now? Am I just a bit of fun to him but not the respectable and sensible choice he would be proud to marry?
mum in a bit of a quandary.
we do have a lot of fun. We are both incredibly sexual and flirty with one another. Last night we went to bed and I’ll admit, I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I feel like my purpose to him is very different to my understanding now. I think I thought I was this person who ticked all of his boxes but now I feel like he outsourced the ‘respectful’ part and now I’m just here for the part that is a bit seedy and perhaps he’s just using me.
I don’t know.
he says he loves me and is in love with me. I just don’t think that can be the case.
please help 😥

I am very tactile. I always have been and always will be. I kiss my parents, my children and my partner all the time. I hold hands with my friends and I hug people i just met. I’m not uptight about affection. I respect other’s rights to not like that personally but that’s who we are as a couple as well.

Relationships can be hard work and I’m no different. I’ve come on here to get different perspectives because I’m willing to concede I’m wrong and actually want to be wrong here. I guess that’s healthier than harping on to him and looking for constant reassurance, it’s asking a question to a larger community so I can get perspective before I say - actually, this isn’t what I thought we had. It’s an attempt at getting other’s opinions. I’ve also asked if I’m being overly sensitive because I realise I may well have been.

we all have life experiences and my previous relationship has left scars with gas lighting and not being able to trust my own judgment. I’d far rather talk things out than revert to assuming I’m right all the time. That’s something I’ve learned in you therapy.

@Izbizbiz I find what you're saying is very relatable - I'm exactly the same :(

But logically - what he wanted when he was young clearly was not good enough for him since he clearly no longer wants it...you wouldn't want to be that either, right?

Thank you.

I don’t want to be anything I’m not. Being sexual and a party girl is only who I’m allowed to be if I feel safe with someone. Feeling a bit like I’ve entered into a safe relationship which allows me to explore my sexuality with someone who adores me is a privilege but only if the love part is real.

it’s the age old thing that men spin women a line to get them into bed, that’s how I felt last night.

i must say, I felt rather mousy last night when I didn’t feel like I wanted to be tactile and sexual with him. So I guess I’m wondering if one creates the other.

don’t know if any of this is making any sense or not 🙈

It makes perfect sense - at least in my head.

I think that, while he worded it in a very clumsy way, he did actually admit to messing up. He chose a quiet girl who wanted to settle down and look where he is now - loving life with an affectionate party-girl. So clearly he didn't make the best decision.

To put your mind at east talk to him, tell him how you began feeling insecure over what he has said and let him elaborate. I'm sure it's not as bad as he made it sound

most men are no Shakespeare and can't word things nicely to save their life

I think you should let this one go. It seems to me like he's saying he wasn't mature enough to know what he wanted when he was younger. I appreciate it's not what you wanted to hear but that is his honest answer. He can't rewrite history and claim that he would have always made good decisions. It's good that he has grown as a person and can recognise past mistakes and acknowledge them.

It doesn't matter what has/would have happened in the past. He's with you now and he clearly adores you and is happy.

I think you should accept his reassurance.

I think you are right.

i just suspect that there’s an element of ghosts of previous relationships coming to haunt me and feeling like he’s literally telling me I wasn’t his ideal and now he’s settled for accepting one thing but wishes he had different. Almost pining for a previous relationship. If only she was a bit more sexual type thing. Like maybe it’s a trade off.

i guess it’s playing into my insecurities about myself and how I compare. I know he didn’t want to break up with her at the time so there’s always a bit at the back of my mind thinking if she switched on the sex/fun side of herself, he would have his perfect Choice.

doesnt help that she still behaves like he has a hard on for her. Which he ignores btw

I do believe there are different people for different stages of your life and it sounds like you are perfect for this stage which is great because you can’t go back in time.

I don't think anything he has said suggests his ex was in any way perfect - if anything, he settled back to fit a script he was brought up with. Then he matured, learned what he likes and it turns out it's YOU he likes :)

I think he is showing some misogynist traits in how he views women but I also think you’re asking stupid questions that you don’t really want honest answers to.

It sounds like the only answer you’d accept is him saying he wishes he’d picked you all along and regrets his other relationships - that’s not realistic, people change. My current partner is the best relationship I’ve ever had without a shadow of a doubt, but I wouldn’t have looked twice at him 10 years ago.

How does someone act like someone has a hard-on for them? 🤔

She said things like - you look tense, look like you need a good fuck.

she buys inappropriate gifts for herself (to be given from their child. They buy something for themselves and give it to the other parent to be wrapped by their daughter so it’s something they will want and doesn’t cost the other parent money) for example, she bought a black lace underwear set and handed it to him for their daughter to wrap and laughed when he was flustered.

she sends him pictures of them from when they were a couple.

she says things in texts like- I didn’t think we would get back together but we were getting on a lot better of you know what I mean.

she shows him her tattoos without him asking to see them or being aware she has them. the most recent is one on her rib cage. She speaks about her tattoos in intimate places and asks if he remembers them.

she sends him texts with explicit language for no apparent reason. Things like - i think our daughter saw an image of a girl in a bikini on ur laptop. If you want to look a pussy, it’s up to you but she doesn’t need to see that. It’s all a bit bizarre.

Jesus wept. You've asked a question and he answered it based on his perception of what you asked, then clarified it for you.

And you're still questioning his feelings?

And this was the ‘safe’, ‘mousy’, ‘take her home to meet his mum’ girl………………………? 😳

Jesus this sounds tiring. I'd probably just not ask those kind of questions in future. My husband probably wouldn't have been with me at age 21, and I wouldnt have been with him. Who cares, we don't live in the past, and the version of him/me at age 21 is not who we are now.
The question is do you both work as a couple now.

Would it be simpler to give him a questionnaire to complete marking the answer you want him to pick

Because honestly that is what you want, you will never be happy with the answers going with your way of thinking

I think your own insecurities have created a narrative around what he said, and turned it in to something you find upsetting.

I can't see what he said wrong (other than his weird madonna / whore thing which is sexist nonsense).

You say his dad doesn't like you. What are you basing that on? If it's just the 'put him down' comment then you're being unfair on his dad. Where I come from (and I think in lots of places) 'put him down' is said in jest when people show PDAs. It's an affectionate joke.

Everything your bf has said seems fine to me. He used to be attracted to a different kind of women, now he's changes his mind. That's very normal in my experience. My DH and I have both agreed we wouldn't have fancied each other in our 20s. I've no problem with that at all. We fancy each other now and that's all that matters.

The stuff you've said about his ex is the most worrying part of your post - not your bf fault of course, but she is clearly a) not the timid woman he thought and b) trying desperately to get his attention. Perhaps she has changed or is trying to prove to him she's changed.

So long as you trust him not to want to go back to her then I can't see the problem, but if I were him I'd be putting down some clear boundaries with her offensive behaviour.

OP you are misconstruing what he's saying. He would not have wanted to be with you because he was an idiot is basically what he's saying. I've said the same stuff to my partner; I had truly terrible taste in blokes when I was younger.

However the dialogue from his ex is deeply worrying. Why does she feel that sort of talk is welcome?

Your description of her does not sound like a mousy type @Izbizbiz ! I think he is lying to you about the whole thing. He says he wanted to settle down with a clever girl who didn't drink but now realises he wanted a party girl. She sounds like an outgoing sort of woman now so what happened between them? I would be questioning his entire explanation.
BTW 'party girl' means drug taker in certain contexts. I assume you don't mean that? Just that you like to drink, dance, socialise?

He sounds like a glass half empty type. If he's making you question your own worth I think you might be facing problems further into the future. You are wanting to be all things to him. Nobody can be all things.

Do you have children who live with you full time? How old are they?

Poor bloke
he should have just said yes

If you keep analysing him and what he said you'll drive yourself mad and him away. My husband and I have had similar conversations and he knows if we'd met when young and starting out I wouldn't have looked twice at him never mind falling in love, I was outgoing, fun, loved a drink, worked hard but partied hard too, the guys I dated were similar and all tall, good-looking, athletic and usual either semi professional sports men or air force/army guys, this had a lot to do with where I lived but they were what interested me too, I loved my life and loved living it to its fullest, then I met my husband,hm he's quiet until you know him, cuddly and not conventionally good-looking but he interested me, we became friends before dating and when I first brought him home even my mother said 'that won't last, he's not your type', turns out he is absolutely my type because my type changed, we're over 20 years together, I adore him and him me, we laugh that it's good we didn't meet younger because he says he would have run away terrified of me. His mother made it clear from day one that she didn't approve but I wasn't settling down with her so it didn't matter. Try to relax and enjoy your relationship, it sounds pretty OK

I think part of the issue is that SHE isn’t mousy and quiet. As evidenced by what she’s said and things she’s done. I’m by no means a wallflower but I wouldn’t conduct myself like that either. So it feels like he has us around the wrong way and almost putting her on a pedestal as having a stronger moral compass and I’m somehow a floozy.
i have no issue with being who I am and her being who she is, it’s the suggestion that one is more wholesome than the other and I’m not that- according to him.

Izbizbiz

Whoah way inappropriate behaviour from his ex

why is he telling you this ??