I have a question and I’m hoping someone can help.
my partner and I had a chat a while back and I guess I was fishing for compliments/looking for reassurance at the time.
he often talks about how he and his ex weren’t suited and how they shouldn’t have married. Anyway, I can’t remember what prompted the question but I think I was feeling adored by him at that moment and for some reason, I asked- would you have chosen me if we had met earlier. He said no. I quite quickly said- well, maybe not me persay, but someone like me and he said no again.
he asked me if I would have chosen him and i said yes. He’s remained my type.
anyway, it hurt me at the time and it’s festered.
i asked him again yesterday what he meant and he said he was looking to settle down and he got the opinion I wasn’t at that age. I said- I was with the same man from 21 and I was married at 25. All of this he knew. What part of that suggests I wasn’t looking to settle down?
he said- we would have had a lot of fun and enjoyed one another but he chose a quiet girl who didn’t really drink but was clever and wanted to settle down.
ill admit this triggered me because I think you can be all of those things and we went on to talk about being wholesome and the cliché of a girl you would have fun with versus a girl you would take home to your mum. I said something like- no one wants to feel like they aren’t good enough to be taken home to your mum and I think most women would wonder why you would choose to settle down with one person and not the other but be willing to show a totally different type of woman attention. He agreed with me.
i then went on to say - what’s changed in the interim then? I mean, you married the quiet girl, had kids with her and it didn’t work out. Now you are with the party girl. Why is that ok now? He said something like- I’m at a different stage of my life and I’ve learned what I want and I’ve changed.
so, I sat there feeling not really good enough and a bit of a joke.
it did take me back to my younger days and feeling like I’m less than whoever.
also, that I’m not quite his first choice for his life but now he has the house, the car and the children, he doesn’t need the wife to go along with it. I guess I thought I was that wife. To hear I wasn’t hurt me. I know I sound a bit naive.
I think I thought I was everything to him. All of those things he wanted AND good fun, sexual and a party girl. It also makes me see him in a different light, that he chose someone and conformed to societal expectation but was happy to slap it around with different types of girls for fun . I guess many of us do that so maybe I’m unfair.
I think the issue is that he sees I wouldn’t have been the one he would have chosen at the time. So he sees something in me that wouldn’t have ticked that box for him. I wasn’t who he wanted back then. I’ve always thought i would have been, had we met.
I suppose my question is - am I being overly sensitive In not liking how this makes me feel after seeing myself through his eyes? And why do you think he is with me now? Am I just a bit of fun to him but not the respectable and sensible choice he would be proud to marry?
mum in a bit of a quandary.
we do have a lot of fun. We are both incredibly sexual and flirty with one another. Last night we went to bed and I’ll admit, I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I feel like my purpose to him is very different to my understanding now. I think I thought I was this person who ticked all of his boxes but now I feel like he outsourced the ‘respectful’ part and now I’m just here for the part that is a bit seedy and perhaps he’s just using me.
I don’t know.
he says he loves me and is in love with me. I just don’t think that can be the case.
please help 😥