Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money issues!

59 replies

Motherhood86 · 01/06/2023 22:16

My partner and I have recently moved into together. We both have a teenage boy each who both live with us full time.
I know our set up is not the 'norm' being a blended family but please can I get some ideas on how other families split their finances?

We have had a big argument this eve as we are thinking about getting a mortgage. He has basically said I need to cut right back and have no spare money to be able to pass the affordability checks when applying for mortgage.
Problem I have is he earns a lot more than me, he will continue paying off debt he is in and saving for mortgage but will still have much more spare cash than me. I think that's really unfair.
He is able to save the deposit for the mortgage so feels it's fair to do it this way but has said that if we were to split up that £30k deposit would be his. I just think it's unfair to live different lifestyles under the same roof.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 01/06/2023 22:24

You split it proportionally. Say, each pay X% of your income into a communal fund.
If he puts the larger share of the deposit on the house that can be written in to the contract I believe.
I paid the whole deposit on my marital home, he paid the mortgage. This was because I had the cash from selling my house, but he earned far more.

Shoutatthewind · 01/06/2023 22:39

Buying a property together when you are not married either is risky unless you make sure to protect your assets. But yes it is unfair of him. You should not go without. That is not on him to decide either, this is a joint decision that affects you more if you were to part ways without marriage in future. You are a valid adult too in this relationship, so no need to treat you in this way.

Polari · 02/06/2023 04:40

If you buy a house together and his £30k is ring fenced then the chances are that if you split in a few years there will be very little for you.
In fact he will probably stay in the house and all your scrimping to pay your share will have been like rent.
Take your rose tinted glasses off, he’s already dictating your finances.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 06:26

Thanks for your reply, the problem is I don't have any spare money at the end of month. I gave up my council flat for us to live together. For me to put money towards saving for a mortgage I would literally just be able to just about afford essentials. He on the other hand can save and still have spare money. I suggested that he could pay more towards food shopping ect. He said no so I'm struggling with the fact that he will be happy for me to be penniless while he isn't. He keeps saying it's so I will pass the affordability checks ( having money left over in my account) and get my name on mortgage which in long run is good for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 06:30

Yes I know that's another reason that I think it's unfair, I get that without his deposit we can't buy but if we split up I don't benefit from having house at all ( if it's early on) I'm not sure what is the fair thing to do in this situation. I know I bring my less to the table than him but I've recently taken on more work, I don't depend on him for anything.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/06/2023 06:31

Where were you living before, can you move back out?. Now you are seeing who he really is.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 02/06/2023 06:35

Oh dear, you gave up your council flat? And you're not married? That was a hell of a risk.

He is being both fair and unfair. You should pay your half, but it shouldn't leave you destitute, so your half should be comfortably within your means. If he wants to live to a more expensive standard then he needs to foot the difference.

Ragwort · 02/06/2023 06:39

Too late now but surely you have these discussions before giving up a council flat Shock?

BananaBlue · 02/06/2023 06:49

Sounds to me like he is using you to reduce his bills to save the deposit.

I bet when the time comes for the mortgage he’ll find a reason not to put your name on.

You could argue that as he earns more pooling you income for bills/food and splitting disposable equally will mean slightly less savings but your accounts will look healthier.

Did you save any of that 30k and can you access it?

how long have you been together?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/06/2023 06:49

Oh my, you gave up your council flat for this man?.

I presume he was far more charming to you prior to moving in.

rolvus · 02/06/2023 07:03

Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 06:26

Thanks for your reply, the problem is I don't have any spare money at the end of month. I gave up my council flat for us to live together. For me to put money towards saving for a mortgage I would literally just be able to just about afford essentials. He on the other hand can save and still have spare money. I suggested that he could pay more towards food shopping ect. He said no so I'm struggling with the fact that he will be happy for me to be penniless while he isn't. He keeps saying it's so I will pass the affordability checks ( having money left over in my account) and get my name on mortgage which in long run is good for me.

Sorry, but I think you made a mistake giving up your council flat. I don't know why more people don't live separately when it's a blended family / second key relationship situation. In most circumstances, people are happier living separately, and enjoying the relationship as it is, rather than getting into the same old arguments about housework and finances.

TedMullins · 02/06/2023 07:16

He should be paying more towards your current bills (as in, you both put in say 40% of your income but his percentage would be higher as he earns more) but I don’t think he’s unfair to want to ringfence his deposit. Anyone sensible would do the same

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2023 07:20

But as tenants in common in unequal shares so his deposit is ringfenced and you then pay proportional ally to income

that’s Fair and ensures you benefit from any house equity in the states to which you contribute

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/06/2023 08:07

He sounds deeply unpleasant op. What person, who says they love and respect you would be happy to see you have no disposable income whilst having lots himself?

As for billls & rent, it's all relative, at the moment you should both be putting in a % based on earnings. If he earns twice as much as you, he pays twice as much. The same goes for when you buy. If he's saved up money after this for a deposit then that deposit gets ringfenced, and after that you get 50% should you split

coodawoodashooda · 02/06/2023 08:10

Polari · 02/06/2023 04:40

If you buy a house together and his £30k is ring fenced then the chances are that if you split in a few years there will be very little for you.
In fact he will probably stay in the house and all your scrimping to pay your share will have been like rent.
Take your rose tinted glasses off, he’s already dictating your finances.

This

Pebbledashery · 02/06/2023 08:23

I'm in shock re the giving up of the council flat.

Iyiyiiii · 02/06/2023 08:26

Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 06:26

Thanks for your reply, the problem is I don't have any spare money at the end of month. I gave up my council flat for us to live together. For me to put money towards saving for a mortgage I would literally just be able to just about afford essentials. He on the other hand can save and still have spare money. I suggested that he could pay more towards food shopping ect. He said no so I'm struggling with the fact that he will be happy for me to be penniless while he isn't. He keeps saying it's so I will pass the affordability checks ( having money left over in my account) and get my name on mortgage which in long run is good for me.

He's telling you who he is....
I gave up my council flat for us to live together. - why?
he will be happy for me to be penniless while he isn't

Move on

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 09:30

Thanks for your reply. I haven't saved any of the deposit. We were together 7 years before moving into together. I don't earn enough to save. I was happy to keep our finances separate and just share food bills etc. He wants us to buy and obviously it is a good idea long term for us all but me having next to no money in the process while he is still comfortable doesn't feel right to me. On the flip side I'm expecting him to basically give me money as he earns more, I know that may sound unfair but surely in other couples where one earns more than the other the higher earner is paying more essentially giving the other money weather it be in buying more food or paying for cars payments, holidays etc.

OP posts:
Iyiyiiii · 02/06/2023 09:33

you dont have money issues, you have a tight partner issue

ask him how finances will be split when/if you have children and go on maternity leave

bluebird3 · 02/06/2023 09:39

Everyone has to live within their means. If you earn x, you need to live an
x lifestyle. If he earns y, he can lead a y lifestyle. It's not fair for him to ask you to suddenly pay for a y lifestyle on an x salary. So yes, he needs to contribute more - a percentage of income towards household costs.

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2023 09:39

So just pay in proportion
eg when I first moved in we added up all bills and joint expenses- mortgage , council tax, utilities, food etc. say that came to 2k a month I put in 40% because that was the ratio of my earnings to his

if the 2k ( using my example) is where the problem is - is you’re overstretching that’s where you need to agree that it’s not doable or he has to pay more

but him ring fencing his deposit and contributions is absolutely the right thing and if it was you providing the deposit everyone on here would be telling you to do so !

Valid8me · 02/06/2023 09:42

If you haven't sved any of the deposit then of course it will be his if you split up, it would be unfair on him otherwise.

I also don't hink that he should just give you money because he earns more, but I do think that you should split bills/mortgage repayment etc proportionally, as other posters have already said. Is it currently split 50/50? Have you suggested making it sau 70/30 and if so, what did he say?

Any chance of you upping your earnings at all?

literalviolence · 02/06/2023 09:52

I take home twice as much as my partner. We pool our money. I am happy to do that. We're married. We're a couple. Your expectations is not unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2023 10:15

Is marriage on the cards?

flipperdoda · 02/06/2023 10:18

I earn more than my (male) partner and we don't pool our money. We're not married, we don't have joint children - why would we? We are looking to buy, my deposit will be protected and he'll pay half the mortgage and have less fun money. If and when we marry we will pool our money I assume!

However - we both earn well and this still leaves him with more than enough. If I decided I wanted an expensive holiday and he couldn't pay, I'd either not go or subsidise him. Same with houses, though we'd just never pick one we couldn't both afford.

I won't subsidise him purely based on the fact that I earn more - he's had no impact on how much I earn, it's not like he's moved cross country to support my salary increases, or stayed at home with (non existent in our case) children etc. But I also wouldn't be a dick about demanding things he couldn't afford. I think the issue is your partner wants things on his pay scale, but doesn't take into account that you're in a different position - which is his issue not yours. Just tell him you can't afford it. If he's a dick about it, leave him.

He's right to protect his deposit though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread