Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money issues!

59 replies

Motherhood86 · 01/06/2023 22:16

My partner and I have recently moved into together. We both have a teenage boy each who both live with us full time.
I know our set up is not the 'norm' being a blended family but please can I get some ideas on how other families split their finances?

We have had a big argument this eve as we are thinking about getting a mortgage. He has basically said I need to cut right back and have no spare money to be able to pass the affordability checks when applying for mortgage.
Problem I have is he earns a lot more than me, he will continue paying off debt he is in and saving for mortgage but will still have much more spare cash than me. I think that's really unfair.
He is able to save the deposit for the mortgage so feels it's fair to do it this way but has said that if we were to split up that £30k deposit would be his. I just think it's unfair to live different lifestyles under the same roof.

OP posts:
littleripper · 02/06/2023 10:21

He's not your partner - he is your boyfriend and looking to improve his finances by exploiting you. Partners do not do this, they look after each other and behave fairly. It is such a shame you gave up your flat for this man, he has you right where he wants you.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 10:28

Thanks for reply, I was working part time due to being single parent before we moved in together. Since then I've taken on more work, I'm also about to do a short course which will enable me to start up my own small business.
The problem is that although he is happy to do things on a percentage I earn much less than him and for me to keep money in my bank at end of the month so look like on paper I can afford mortgage it's going to leave me with 0 spending money after essentials. He will not be in that situation

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 02/06/2023 11:14

You need to sit down together and look at all the income and outgoings and work out a fair split so you both save towards a deposit (set it up as a standing order like a bill so it goes out straight after wages).

If he earns more than you he should take on a higher percentage unless you are working a really low number of hours and there's underlying resentment?

Is what he's saying that you need to show good money management for when you come to apply for a mortgage so it helps the affordability checks?

Are you more frivolous than he is? And is he frustrated by this?

You need a fair set up but it may be useful to review household spending habits and potential savings at the same time

Calmdown14 · 02/06/2023 11:16

Cross over with your last post.

Why don't you work backwards. Start with what you both need for discretionary spends each month, allocate that then work out the bills percentage and savings from what's left.

Anaemiafog · 02/06/2023 11:23

No help now but if anyone out there reads this...Do not give up social housing unless you can comfortably afford to live privately on your own, either buying or renting. This is your security. You could have bought your council flat and sold that in three years, not that I agree with right to buy.

pinkpirlie · 02/06/2023 11:37

My DP and and I (unmarried) pool our money and savings.
We each have £500 a month for essential and non-essential spending (fuel, food, entertainment, etc).
I earn about 40% more than him so am paying the majority of the costs/savings.
When you're together, in a long term relationship, living together then in my mind this is the only way to do things else resentment builds and ultimately the relationship will break down.

In terms of the mortgage, however, the deposit I brought to the table (c.£70k) is ringfenced as mine as he put only £4k in. However, as we assume mortgage is 50/50 the percentage of the home that would go to him increases over time.

BananaBlue · 02/06/2023 11:45

A % split isn't always fair when there’s a huge income variance or 1 persons has to cover more ppl (kids).

There should have been more discussion about finances before you moved in - it sounds like his expenses have gone down due to you paying a share but yours have sharply increased as costs are higher?

I think he is right to ring fence deposit, prob right to not want to sub your DC but either he should have been clearer before you moved or you should have asked more questions.

You need to start on an exit plan IMO.

FloydPepper · 02/06/2023 11:47

TedMullins · 02/06/2023 07:16

He should be paying more towards your current bills (as in, you both put in say 40% of your income but his percentage would be higher as he earns more) but I don’t think he’s unfair to want to ringfence his deposit. Anyone sensible would do the same

This. If he asked for advice (posting as a woman) he’d be told in very strong terms to protect his deposit.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/06/2023 11:48

He is not a kind person if he is willing to watch you struggle and kindness is one of the things I most value in a relationship. If you feel similarly then you cannot make a happy life with this person.

I would try and talk to him, ask how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Suggest you pool a % of your income - for me and DH we pool 70% of our respective incomes, the remainder is for ourselves. I prefer this to 100% pooling, it's nice to be able to spend on make up etc without feeling like I am depleting the household funds.

If he is not willing to budge then I would seriously consider extricating yourself from what will undoubtedly be a financially challenged relationship.

Netcam · 02/06/2023 11:59

I think it's difficult, but I probably would have had these conversations before moving in together so I knew what he thought about these issues. DH and I lived separately for 5 years before he finally moved in with me and my 2 sons.

By then we had been through numerous conversations about how we would split finances. In the end, we decided we would organise things so we were both in a similar financial situation to the one we were in before moving in together.

Because I would lose my working and child tax credits, he compensated for that, but could do that because he was no longer paying his mortgage. So we kind of worked things out so we were both left with a similar amount of disposable income as we had when we lived separately. This did mean DH could save and I couldn't, but he earns a lot more than me and I only work part time.

This seemed fair to both of us. We have now been together 11 years, living together for 6 and got married last year. Although we keep our finances mainly separate and are sticking with that arrangement until my boys finish 6th form, it kind of doesn't make much difference whose money is whose anymore, but it took a long time to get to that stage.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 13:07

Yes I do agree that if he saves the deposit he should get it back if we split. My concern is of we split early on being in house there won't be any equity worth anything.

I still do completely agree with him doing that, it's his hard earned cash.

At the moment we are doing bills ect on a percentage.

If I now have to leave money in my account in order to look good for affordability when applying for mortgage I won't have any spending money. I suggested he ups his percentage to account for this but he sees this as unfair.
He suggested I work more, I work 20 hours a week. I do pretty much all of the household chores, shopping and cooking. With 4 of us in the house that's a job in its self! So I think that is fair. I think maybe I should suggest I work more but then he needs to do a lot more house chores

OP posts:
pinkpirlie · 02/06/2023 13:20

If you apply for a joint mortgage I don't think (but worth you double checking with a broker yourself rather than taking his word for it), that they will look at your accounts individually. They will consider the financial position of your as a couple.
My DP doesn't have anything spare but we had no issues getting a mortgage.

gamerchick · 02/06/2023 13:26

Tell him that saving for a mortgage is on the back burner for now as it doesnt financially work for you and that you're going to set up an independent appointment with someone to find out what's what.

Sounds to me he's going to use you for his own gains tbh OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/06/2023 13:44

"If I now have to leave money in my account in order to look good for affordability when applying for mortgage I won't have any spending money".

I used to prepare mortgage applications and bank balances were not looked at like this.

I am wondering if you are being used here by him purely to feather his own nest some more. Is he actually willing to name you on a mortgage?. Leaving your short of money gives him more power within the relationship.

Undisclosedlocation · 02/06/2023 13:49

Wait, you only work 20 hours a week? Nope sorry, that’s not on. Not with teenagers. Chores will have to be split but you need to pull your weight work wise imo.
In effect you are asking him to fund your choice not to work. If the roles were reversed there would be outrage here on that one

ps. Leaving council housing without the means to support yourself and your child was so MONuMENTALLY stupid I’m not even sure how to respond 🤷‍♀️. You have placed yourselves in an hugely vulnerable position, without even properly discussing finances with your Dp it seems?

Deathbyfluffy · 02/06/2023 13:55

gamerchick · 02/06/2023 13:26

Tell him that saving for a mortgage is on the back burner for now as it doesnt financially work for you and that you're going to set up an independent appointment with someone to find out what's what.

Sounds to me he's going to use you for his own gains tbh OP.

What gains would that be? By the OP's own admission they're hardly bringing a lot of money to the table.

FloydPepper · 02/06/2023 14:11

Hang on

so you’re saying you need to cut your spending in order to pass the affordability tests, and doing that means you’ll have no money to spend.

so you can’t afford the mortgage?

and you work part time?

BananaBlue · 02/06/2023 14:41

So you have no deposit, work 20 hrs a week.

he has a deposit but asks you for 50%(%) towards bills and does not housework.

This isn’t going to work.

TedMullins · 02/06/2023 14:45

flipperdoda · 02/06/2023 10:18

I earn more than my (male) partner and we don't pool our money. We're not married, we don't have joint children - why would we? We are looking to buy, my deposit will be protected and he'll pay half the mortgage and have less fun money. If and when we marry we will pool our money I assume!

However - we both earn well and this still leaves him with more than enough. If I decided I wanted an expensive holiday and he couldn't pay, I'd either not go or subsidise him. Same with houses, though we'd just never pick one we couldn't both afford.

I won't subsidise him purely based on the fact that I earn more - he's had no impact on how much I earn, it's not like he's moved cross country to support my salary increases, or stayed at home with (non existent in our case) children etc. But I also wouldn't be a dick about demanding things he couldn't afford. I think the issue is your partner wants things on his pay scale, but doesn't take into account that you're in a different position - which is his issue not yours. Just tell him you can't afford it. If he's a dick about it, leave him.

He's right to protect his deposit though.

I agree with this. I don’t subscribe to the belief often voiced on here that each partner must have the same disposable income. I earn over double what my partner does but he’s chosen a creative job that doesn’t pay much so if he wants more money he can get a different job as far as I’m concerned. I agree with others that if your kids are teens there’s nothing stopping you working full time if you want more money - apologies if I’ve missed any health issues etc that prevent this.

I do have a lot more disposable income but I’m happy to pay more for things like holidays, or even pay for the whole holiday and he pays me back. We don’t have kids, and he will be moving into my flat that I own alone - I’ll have a cohabitation agreement drawn up but he’ll pay 50% of all outgoings which is still cheaper than his current rent. He on the other hand has the benefit of a lot of familial wealth - his inheritance will be almost £1m, whereas mine don’t have two peanuts to rub together. So swings and roundabouts.

Iyiyiiii · 02/06/2023 14:48

Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 13:07

Yes I do agree that if he saves the deposit he should get it back if we split. My concern is of we split early on being in house there won't be any equity worth anything.

I still do completely agree with him doing that, it's his hard earned cash.

At the moment we are doing bills ect on a percentage.

If I now have to leave money in my account in order to look good for affordability when applying for mortgage I won't have any spending money. I suggested he ups his percentage to account for this but he sees this as unfair.
He suggested I work more, I work 20 hours a week. I do pretty much all of the household chores, shopping and cooking. With 4 of us in the house that's a job in its self! So I think that is fair. I think maybe I should suggest I work more but then he needs to do a lot more house chores

He suggested I work more, I work 20 hours a week. I do pretty much all of the household chores, shopping and cooking. With 4 of us in the house that's a job in its self! So I think that is fair. I think maybe I should suggest I work more but then he needs to do a lot more house chores

Why do you only do 20 hours a week?
Work more hours and let him and both your DC do some housework?

Crazycrazylady · 02/06/2023 14:49

I'd suggest that he buys an investment property on his own and he continue renting as you are

That's what I would advise him to do if he was my family member .
Honestly I don't see why he should subside someone who only works 20 hours a week by choice but complains that she wouldn't have enough disposable income if she contributed proportionally to the mortgage .

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 02/06/2023 14:50

Sorry but looking after the house with another adult and two teens is not a job in itself. Or it shouldn't be. There is no way I would agree to be working 20 hours so they have a maid on hand to be their scivvy. What were you working before? Even less than that and you were still able to pay rent on your HA flat? That was a very privileged position you were in and I am astonished you gave it up.

Get a ft job and then you'll have more money left at the end of the month

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2023 15:21

You need a full time job
20 hours a week with a teen is ridiculous

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 17:03

Thanks for your reply, he has done a lot of research into applying for a mortgage and says they look at what each person earns, what money they have left and that enables them to decide the amount they will lend you and if interest rates go up weather you will be able to still afford mortgage. I'm only going by what he tells me.

OP posts:
2kids2catsnolife · 02/06/2023 17:07

Motherhood86 · 02/06/2023 17:03

Thanks for your reply, he has done a lot of research into applying for a mortgage and says they look at what each person earns, what money they have left and that enables them to decide the amount they will lend you and if interest rates go up weather you will be able to still afford mortgage. I'm only going by what he tells me.

They will look at disposable income through bank statements etc but it shouldn't make a difference whether you apply jointly or not, in that any disposable income you have can contribute to the mortgage. The only reason I can see that one party couldn't be on a mortgage would be poor credit, but I often see on here that women think because they don't have as high a disposable income they can't be on the mortgage. Which is usually because their partners have told them that. Don't accept not being on it, there's no reason and you could end up with nothing.