Friend says I'm unhappy because I don't follow law of attraction

[Toloveandtowork]

I'm upset because last night at my friend's house, when I told her I'm finding life very hard as a single mother. (2 children, one with ADHD and no support) she said it's because I'm not thinking positive thoughts.

She follows the law of attraction, which involves thinking positive thoughts to manifest anything you want. If you don't manifest things, it's your own fault for creating negativity.

I told her her remarks upset me. She said I was misunderstanding her because she cares about me and wants the best for me. She has been a good friend and supportive in the past.

Later on she doubled down on it, insisting it's where I'm going wrong. I let it slide this time as I could see she was a bit angry I'd pulled her up the first time.

I'm having a very hard time at the moment and her 'advice' cut to the bone. I had an almost sleepless night as I felt much worse about everything. So, my situation is shit, but it's my fault for not thinking positive thoughts.

I'm thinking of writing to her to explain that no matter how well-meaning her advice, I experience it as the opposite of supportive. What would you do?

Never said it wasn’t. You can be arrogant and well-intentioned.

From what OP’s since said about her behaviour in general she sounds totally lacking in self awareness and not very helpful for OP to be around at the moment. But I wouldn’t drop a friend over a one-off instance of crassness if they were otherwise nice to be around. Most people have some quirks you find irritating. The trick is working out whether their bad points outweigh their good points. Unfortunately, it does sound in this case that OP’s friend is no longer a net good experience.

Not part of a group that does this is she?

I was approached by 3 different people in the last few years about some org that is all about similar (come watch video, just a talk from the ‘higher ups’, won’t give you name of it before meeting in case you google it come to it with pre-judgement etc)

it sounded v like an mlm with a big shot of ‘magical thinking’ and after googling like mad giving the ‘coffee, cake & a chat with higher ups’ one chance the ‘higher ups’ attitude cemented the mlm vibes

maybe it’s harder for her to hear your No if she genuinely believes it has helped her, or is under pressure from others who share her belief, but that’s no reason to keep on at you

2ppl seemed a bit impatient but I was also able to see a sort of nervousness about them that I wasn’t signing up so I didn’t feel cross with them - they obviously were under some sort of pressure to get ‘new recruits’

by the 3rd person I recognised the org/tactics & just totally ignored suggestion to meet

all 3 are lovely ppl and it was upsetting to see first 2 get so anxious that I wouldn’t join

I love positive thinking but see it as way to make the best of something I can’t otherwise change, not a magical wand to stop suffering or manifest something different

Urgh my MIL says this to me and dh. Instead of actually helping she says don't worry stay positive or think positive you have to think positive. Shame how my positive thoughts don't result in a nice MIL. That's what I say back inside my passive head anyway 😂

Single mum here, if I ever tried to get something out of the law of attraction I simply did not notice it happening because for sure it arrived years after I requested whatever I did.

For long I thought I was alone, no family around, no long-standing friendships, very low income and trapped in a city I hated and marriage I absolutely resented, my family were horrible and judgemental so no support there either. Then I had enough and decided to leave him, no safety net, no going back.

Just changing my perspective from seeing myself as a victim (I was) to a survivor (I am too). Changed my life forever: I realised that the the people I thought of “acquaintances” were amazing friends and very supportive when they knew I needed them, I had much less money but learned to live much better with less, the city I hated, I love now, I wouldn’t move anymore. So it is strange because if you look at what has happened in my life before and after marriage it is an absolute tragedy but… I have been immensely happy, just shifting your perspective can make a huge difference no matter what you are going through.

Forget about the law of attraction but for your own sake, try to make lemonade out of the lemons you are handed. Life is much much easier when you wake up saying “oh shit… never mind, I’ll manage one way or another” than when you wake up thinking “I don’t deserve this and there’s nothing I can do”

This is kind of it! If OPs pal has used this positive manifestation stuff as a way to focus herself and get stuff done step by step then fine. Some people use prayer, some use stimulants.

But it's simple lack of empathy and imagination to think that there is nothing that's pure bad luck or circumstance. If she had any insight I suppose she might say 'ok, well let's think positively and break down what needs doing to help make things better and how to do it and I will support you' but I find it very aggressive and dismissive to just wave away people's concerns as 'negativity'. It's just a way of moving the conversation back to them.

There are too many stupid people in the world who think LOA is a magic ticket to happiness and well-being. It hasn't helped that The Secret plays on those stupid people by perpetuating that narrative. A positive attitude is generally healthy, but this faux happiness in order to manifest positivity is utter bollocks.

Your friend is not a friend if she won't support you through tougher times.

If all the people relying on food banks would only think more positively, they would magically end up with a fully stocked fridge and cupboards with zero impact on their already horribly stretched finances.

If all cancer patients only had a positive attitude to their situation, they wouldn't need to go through sugery/chemotherapy in order to get better.

If all those with long term health conditions such as MS, ME, Lupus, Fubromyalgia, CFS and many others, they wouldn't be suffering from their conditions.

Those three scenarios are essentially how stupid people interpret LOA. Your friend is, for all intents and purposes, stupid.

Your friend is being ridiculous.

There is a degree of validity to the law of attraction.

The idea that what you put out into the world is what you will receive back - eg if you are a miserable fucker who is always complaining and fails to see your blessings or the good stuff and only ever focusing on the negative, well, you're not going to be very happy are you? You're going to miss out on things. And you're going to only see the shit because you're not open to seeing the good. It also means you might be more open to taking calculated, sensible risks or stepping outside of your comfort zone or trying new things or going to new places instead of telling yourself you'd be crap at it or wouldn't enjoy it anyway...

However, the idea that you can make tangible, physical differences to your life, reverse a disability, or receive money from nowhere is ridiculous.

It might mean you take a chance on applying for a higher paying job rather than tell yourself there's no point because you won't get it anyway, but it doesn't mean anything more than that.

Would you feel better if you smacked her/kicked her up the bum? I know I would in your shoes! These "come to Jesus" types! She has obviously had a charmed life. Just wait until things fall apart for her. She won't be thinking positive vibes she would be wailing down the phone at you, whingeing "Why me????) or rather "Why meeeeeeeeeeeee?" Don't forget to preach to her 'positive vibes'!

Going to go against the grain here. Maybe she didn't articulate it very well, but if you're a negative person and generally negative then usually negative things will happen. A positive and a negative person will take out very different things from the exact same scenrio. Maybe she meant it more like that. I have some friends who can be quite draining and sometimes when I listen to them I do wonder this myself.

@Busybutbored so say you have a child with a life threatening illness - is that because you’re a negative person? It’s like saying good things happen to good people. Many people only want to hear cheerful jolly stuff - if you are struggling then they like to think you’re somehow “bad” or just not able to cope.

Haven't RTFT but wanted to say I feel for you. I've had a lifetime of mental health problems and had a series of close family bereavements very close together some years back. A mouthy idiot, who didn't know any of this but knew I was feeling down, has said similar nonsense to me in the past, so I know how hurtful it is.

It's utter crap and is just victim-blaming. Of course your attitude can sometimes affect your chances of happiness and success, but she meant it literally in the sense of, think positive thoughts and the universe will deliver. People like this make me so mad. It doesn't seem to occur to them that the people who don't flourish, or in the case of my sister who died young of cancer, aren't around to give the other side of the story, namely that sometimes stuff just happens without rhyme or reason, whatever you do or however positive your outlook and behaviour. When I mentioned my sister she implied that she didn't fight hard enough to live. Yeah, well, to hell with people who are as ignorant and insensitive as that.

Well obviously not 🙄 why do people always do this on mumsnet and try and derail a proper discussion. Being negative all the time, does attract negative thats a fact. Tomorrow decide to have a bad day, and see how that goes. The next day, decide to have a great day and see how that goes. In general, it works. Your attitude matters

I don’t know if attracts negative stuff but it certainly makes your life a misery focusing all the time in the negative. A wise old woman once told me “don’t be a victim, it disempowers you” . This phrase alone kept me going and sane through the worst part of my life (and yes, my child had a life threatening condition, I don’t think I attracted it but by being positive I found the strength I needed to manage it)

I had a friend exactly like this, including all the unsolicited advice and complete inability to ever sympathise and just say "that sucks, sorry to hear that".

I would even tell her "I'm not looking for advice, I just think it would help to vent", and she still gave me advice! One time her advice was that I should read up on the phases of the moon to help with my CPTSD.

What really wound me up is that for all the toxic positivity she spouted, she was perhaps the biggest complainer I knew, always moaning about something. So it all felt so hypocritical as well as judgy and patronising. Hence why we're no longer friends.

If you really value this friendship, I'd maybe talk to her and say that you simply do not believe in LOA, and you don't wish to talk about it. However, from my experience it's hard to "let's just agree to disagree" with these types of people.

I agree with you to a certain extent, but more so that some people will find the negative of every single situation, give them a million euro and they'll ask why didn't you give two million. 🙄

But in this case, OP has something to feel unhappy about. It's not like she is being unnecessarily negative about everything. She is finding juggling things in her life difficult. You can't just say "well think positively and it'll be better", her circumstances aren't magically going to change.

Your friend sounds like a pain. I’d be swerving her for the next couple of weeks…

I wasn't going to write a letter, it would have been WhatsApp.
She gave me and another friend a book on the power of positive thinking a month ago. I'll give it back to her tomorrow and that might open a conversation. I'll see how wise it feels at the time. It's unread and looks crap.
I love that saying: 'don't be a victim, it disimpowers you.' Thing is, I realise that and she knows how hard I'm striving to change things for the better. Grrrr.

law of attraction is the same as praying - it's a belief. Without being disrespectful to anyone's beliefs it's ok to say you don't share their particular belief system and would appreciate if they did not try to apply it to your life or circumstances

I group some behaviours together - trying to indoctrinate you, recruit you, or tell you that your life is bad because you don't pray hard enough/use the right essential oils/crystals are all cultish behaviours. For me they are a big red flag that can damage a friendship beyond repair.

Hmmm....another way to think about it: Maybe thinking positively about your body and your future health goals will cause you to take action and eat less, move more and learn about nutrition and thus lose weight. It's not just about thinking positively, it's about setting a goal and using a positive mindset to propel the correct action.

What book did she give you?

It is clear that you are having a really hard time and I feel for you. One thing I have learned is that you can't expect people to respond in the way you want all the time. Sometimes you need to ask for the type of support you need. "Friend, I am having a hard time right now. I know we have a different set of beliefs and so right now I am going to ask you to not share those beliefs. What I need is for you to just listen to me as I talk and to acknowledge that this is a hard time for me."

I would advise against whatsapping and returning the book. It screams of immaturity and the inability to have a healthy conversation--nothing good has come from having a hard conversation via textings/whatsapp. Give the book to the charity shop, and speak to her face to face.

Absolutely. Not sure why everyone is dismissing this and taking it so literally. It's just a way to visualise and focus, plenty of winning sports people do it.

Oh god, somebody said this to DH when his mother was dying of breast cancer! Ex-friend now, obviously. She had always been a bit woo, and a bit strident in her opinions, but we didn’t expect that from her.

And no we didn’t misunderstand, DH asked what exactly she meant and she clarified, at great length, that only people who think negatively get cancer, as negative thoughts depress your immune system, and if you think positively you can cure yourself without chemo, so MIL should stop her chemo and meditate “if she actually wanted to get better”.

Many adherents take it very literally, unfortunately

@Phoebo

Absolutely. Not sure why everyone is dismissing this and taking it so literally. It's just a way to visualise and focus, plenty of winning sports people do it.
^^^^^
THIS
I think I was 31 when I discovered loa
At first I was oh this is totally rubbish, but actually.,,
For example I didn't think I could get a better job - so didn't even apply.
Then one day I did
Got the job and now I'm on twice as much money
If s not easy though but I won't be a victim any more.
I've got this.