Age gaps and their eventual consequences

[Harrison46]

I'm not looking for advice or guidance. I am mainly just venting because I feel as low as I have probably ever felt, it helps a little. I believe this forum is usually followed by more women than men so there might be a little more understanding of the people involved.

I fell in love and married a women 22 years younger than me. I was 49 and she was 28. We were business associates and it just developed into a full blown romantic relationship. We had a child in 2011 and finally got married in 2017 having lived together for 17 years.

Before I describe the issue, I need to acknowledge that none of this is her fault. She tried for many years to live with my personal issues. I have lived with PTSD from a young age as the result of past experiences in the military. Before I met her I had received a minor level of treatment through a government program, but it ground me down and I abandoned it. That's pertinent because it has resulted in my inability to get close and feel intimate (not sexual) with anyone. I have no succinct explanation for it and I didn't realise that I was being affected in this way. I have always loved her, but have not sought intimacy with her and even pushed her away in she tried. This went on for at least 15 years. I developed ED and she tried to get me to seek treatment for it, but I only ever superficially pursued any treatment. But even before the ED I had a very low libido and avoided sex. I felt the need for sex, but just could not get close enough to actually do it. As result, we have not actually had sex for over five years.

I think anyone reading this will know where this is going. I am no longer the handsome hunk that she married and she is still very attractive. We have not slept in the same bed for five years. Just recently she has asked me to give her my okay for her to have the occasional tryst outside the marriage to get the physical love she needs. I know will be called selfish, but my heart dropped right out of my chest, I felt destroyed. My immediate question was have you already done it, which she adamantly denies and I have no proof to the contrary, but plenty of circumstantial indications. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she refuses to even discuss any possibility of ever being in a husband and wife relationship again. She just as adamantly doesn't want me to leave. That is partly because of finances, but also because we have been a very tight family unit and my daughter would have an extreme affect on her which could be serious (we are an extremely close father/daughter relationship.) However selfish I am, I just could not agree to her request and I offered to leave (I am from another country and it would not be possible financially to maintain a separate household in this country.) But, my daughter would be devastated.

She will not discuss any possibility of going back. I don't blame her. I don't know when she made her mind up with such finality, but the train has left the station.

Well, that's the situation and unfortunately I have not felt any better after writing this. I have been married three times now, each of my former wives experienced what my wife has experienced and all of them found solace with another man. It's only now in the twilight of my life I can see how toxic I have been as a partner. She says she still loves me, but not as a husband; more like a family member. I know what she means by that. She loves the memory of what she used to feel when she did love me as a husband. I have hurt every person who has loved me since my early twenties. My second wife once said to me that falling in love with me was like falling in love with a rock: you will love it and be devoted to it but you will never get anything back. I have never deserved any of the love I have been given. I was hoping to feel better after venting, but actually I don't deserve any relief. I am reaping what I have sown.

Okay - so you have blown 3 opportunities for romantic love with a spouse. Your first 2 marriages have ended.

However, this is your chance to do something different, to break the pattern. To be selfless rather than only concerned with your own feelings. You can do this by staying in the marriage as your wife has requested, at least until your daughter has left home. That way your daughter still has her father nearby.

If I understand the timeline correctly, you’re now in your early 70s. You’ve said you and your daughter are extremely close. You don’t actually seem to want sex. In that case, is it really necessary for you to flounce off abroad because your wife, who you’ve neglected sexually for years, takes an occasional lover? Can you not put your daughter’s feelings ahead of your own? This is your chance to not fuck up. This is your chance to stop reaping what you’ve sown. Put your daughter’s feelings before your own. Stay around. You’ll almost certainly feel better for it.

So if you moved in together in 2000 when she was 28 and you were 49,shes now 52 and you're 73 and you're daughter is 12?

I think in your shoes I'd say she can, but not in your home, discreet and daughter not to know.

So she occasionally goes to "book club", your marriage remains a it is except she's getting an itch scratched, you get to see your daughter every day and you continue to make your marriage work.

You aren't responsible for the women who married you, they knew you and made choices. I'm not saying you're blameless, but sounds like you are who you've always been. You didn't deceive I them, so be kinder to yourself. You do deserve love, and your wife does love you. Just not romantically.

Thank you for your comments. You are correct, I am 72. I know you are right, and when I can think clearly I feel sure I will come to the same conclusion. But, I do love her, always have. I am not sure I can do what she asks. It goes against every fiber of my being. And as I read this back I can see I am still thinking about how I feel instead of what's right for my daughter. But, in reality, I do t believe it's going to matter whether I give my blessing or not. She is going to do what she is going to. I did contemplate this when we first began out relationship. I knew there would come a time when our age difference would become very visible.

I'm probably not going to make any sense right now. I'll need time adjust my thinking. My daughter would not be the first child of mine to suffer because of my issues. I have three sons, all of them adults now and even now they all crave my love and approval, especially my oldest son. They all grew into adults without their dad. If I keep writing it is going to come across like I'm looking for sympathy. I am not I've just got to keep my little girl foremost in my mind and muster the strength to do what is right for her.

The answer will come. Thank you.

It's not your age difference causing the problem. It's that you think that your opinion is the only one that matters.

SleepingStandingUp-Yes, you are correct. I'm 72 my wife is 51. My daughter was born in 2011. Between the standards I was brought up with and I suppose I still have too much ego, this is gut wrenching for me And, I am hiding it from my little girl the best I can. When I think about leaving I just picture her walking home from school and it turning into a gallop when sees me. I am her true hero. She doesn't seem bothered that all her friends think I am her grandfather. These are consequences of the gap I hadn't considered.

I don't mean to come across that way. The fact is my opinion matters least. I have no power or influence over my wife or her decisions.

The age gap is a complicating factor here, but it seems to me the main issue is your aversion to emotional intimacy. You acknowledge the problems this has caused in all your relationships, and the effects on your now-wife... but are you really just stuck with this? You sound like you've got some insight into this and are prepared to be honest about it. Would you consider exploring further with a therapist? In my opinion, it's never too late.

I mean to you. Your ego is perhaps more inflated than what you can actually offer either your wife or child.

I served in a war zone when I was 19 years old. I did participate in a program for vets with PTSD for a short while many years ago. I withdrew after a short while because it seemed to make it worse. Maybe that was a mistake. That was all so many years ago I doubt anything is going change what I became at this point. I am blessed with good health and fitness so it may be worth considering if I might another 20 years.

I am afraid I don't understand what you mean. I admit I have an ego and right now it's pretty damaged. But it's not so big a part of me that it controls me.

Typical MN. The advice would be completely different and it was a man taking an occasional lover.
What is it you want to do? Given you are in yours 70s you could stay with her in a platonic relationship and she might have a thing on the side. There's a risk here that she might meet someone new. Or you could leave and have a friendship. You could try counselling. It's really up to you. There are many options. I guess the first thing to determine is do you want to stay with her.

What I would want more than anything is to work on myself first, then to try keep my marriage together. I do love my wife And if I could give her back all the years I have robbed from her I would go through hell and high water to do it. But of all the things I could do that's the one thing I can't do. I want her to have everything she needs to be happy and if that means another man, then I'd wanr that for her. I just don't know if I can stay with her under that circumstance. It's condoned adultery.

There are taboos against all kinds of behaviours in the interest of group dynamics. In the case of adultery, it frequently leads to marriage breakups and abandoned and unwanted children.

In this case, you both maturely deciding that the way to get everyone's needs for love met is for your wife to discreetly take a lover. She clearly values the family, but you have become a flatmate and co-parent rather than a sexual partner.

Of course there is the risk that she might later decide that she wants a full relationship and wants to leave the marriage, however thats just a bit of a leap of faith that you have to take and perhaps you need to consider that your marriage may end once your child is grown. But that gives you time to adjust to new circumstances with grace, rather than dramatic partings.

I think you need to talk to her. You seem very articulate on here so just tell her from your heart and how you are remorseful and what you hope for your future together, and ask her what she wants too. Maybe you can work it out, counselling could be a good option.

She has closed the door on that conversation. She doesn't want me to leave, but in her words, she will never again be in a marital relationship with me. She wants to carry on our family but not in a relationship with me. I can't hurt my daughter the way my sons were hurt. If I leave it will take about 40% of the family income. I'm retired but I have a good income from that. Our house is mortgage free next year, but she would have to extend the mortgage if I leave. I would make no claim to the house because it is willed to my daughter. I don't want to hurt her financially but I could not support a second home on retirement alone I would have to move back to home home country. But unless I can find the strength to continue to live with her under those circumstances, I don't know. Its going to take me a while to get my senses together. I want to do the right thing I just can't seem to see what that is yet.

I would not want to stay with someone and watch as they take lovers, either. I’m not sure why anyone would say you need to do that.

i do think you should talk to her. Tell her you want to work on yourself - tell her what you’ve said here. Don’t moan on and on about past marriages and beat yourself up, mind you - that’s a pity seeking thing and it doesn’t work.

just make a plan , what you would and could do, and offer it.

if she wants to leave, let her go. You have life ahead of you still, and whether she goes or stays, working on your own healing is a good thing to do for yourself.

Well if you can live with the status quo then do that, although you might find that you are both happier if you separate. Many people stay together because they are afraos of being alone. It sounds like you might be more like room-mates. I don't think the age gap is really the issue, more that you don't really seem to have a marriage. Do you spend time together and enjoy each other's company? Do you go on holidays together?

My marriage for all intents and purposes is already over I'm just grappling with where to go from here. When my little girl is added to the mix, it becomes a monumental decision. Not to mention that I still love my wife with all my heart.

Thank you. If there is any leaving, it will have to be me. Our little girl cannot be involved in our problems. I can't say what going to happen from here on out, but there is very little of what she says that suggests any hope for us. As a matter of fact she blatently says there is no hope. When the smoke settles, I'll have to find some way to handle it with my daughter This is still all raw and new, but nothing in my mind says that I can live her knowing she is with other men. And now that she has made that request, I would not know whether she is or isn't.

I'm so sorry that war has fucked up your life. I can't imagine the trauma you were exposed to and the damage it must have done.

It sounds as though you must let your wife go... again. In a way, she's already gone.

But that doesn't mean your life will be empty of love. You're a survivor: you're alive!!! you're intelligent and caring, you have created loving relationships in your life, you have a daughter who adores you. That's an extraordinary achievement.

Financially and practically, there's a lot to work out. Can you rent somewhere for a while, until the smoke starts to clear and you can find a way forward? You will.

You have a lot of love to give. Instead of focusing it on your wife, I hope you can turn it inwards and begin to heal yourself. It's never too late for life to begin unfolding in new and wonderful ways. It will take you a while to get there, no doubt, but I wish you a future full of peace and joy.

P.S. The title of your thread is misleading. This isn't about an age gap. You reflect "I am no longer the handsome hunk that she married," but the real problem - repeated over the years in your three marriages - has been your lack of capacity for real intimacy. A marriage is not based on looks. You can't have a loving relationship if you don't love yourself. Being in a war zone at such a young age must have left you with fear and guilt and anxiety and all kinds of things that have crushed and caged your loving heart.

I have never deserved any of the love I have been given
This heartbreaking delusion is what you need to explore. Do you really think your daughter would have grown up seeing you as her hero if you hadn't behaved like one?

Can you open up to, say, your sons? Be vulnerable and seek support, instead of feeling you must always be the strong protector and the consequences of letting your guard down could be catastrophic?

No, you do not need to stay in a marriage while your wife sleeps with other men. There are many marriages that are sexless and that does not give the other man or woman the right to have sex outside the marriage. You should end the relationship. You can still have a very close relationship with your daughter even if sharing custody. And your wife is assumably an adult and capable of supporting herself financially, just like the majority of adults do. You should not get into a new relationship as you can clearly see you can’t do that in a healthy way but no, it is not selfish to not want or have an open marriage.

I have to say I know a man like you ( I don't know if he's ex military tho, and clearly your experiences have played in here, for which I offer my sympathy). Each of my friend's wives has been younger than the last in comparison with his age. He's now mid to late seventies, she's 57. From what I can gather the first two wives were very unhappy.
You married someone much younger and reaped the benefits. I think some of the language you use show you saw there were benefits in that age gap, and I don't think taht at 22 your wife can have had a clear idea of how it would be decades down the line. She does now. It's interesting that you met at work too - was a power as well as age dynamic at play? She is now a mature woman with her own views and you must respect them for both of your sakes.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but I do think you need to face up to the arc your relationship has taken.

She was 28. Women are capable adults who can make their own decisions.

And she reaped the benefits of his finances and likely his lifestyle. Everyone going into a relationship seems something in it for them.

I also don’t think you should just agree to this open marriage when you’re clearly not happy with the suggestion. If this was reversed no-one would be saying a woman should put up with her husband sleeping with other women and she should just suck it up.

Realistically though I guess your options are just that. Suck it up and try and cope with how it makes you feel or leave. Your wife clearly doesn’t want that as it’s going to upset your daughter but also cost her financially. For her the best option is she takes a lover and still reaps the benefits of living with someone whose income means she has a nicer life than she would if you left. But she’s not thinking about how this makes you feel. Yes things have been tough in your marriage but that doesn’t mean you now have to roll over and take whatever she suggests. Do you want to leave your daughter though? Is that really your only option financially to leave the country? If so I think I’d stay and try and mentally cope with your wife effectively cheating with permission. That’s a horrible situation to be in, I do feel for you. I agree it’s never too late to see some therapy, try and put things right with your boys. Focus on getting therapy for that reason and not for your relationship as it does sound like that ship has sailed.