Age gaps and their eventual consequences

[Harrison46]

I'm not looking for advice or guidance. I am mainly just venting because I feel as low as I have probably ever felt, it helps a little. I believe this forum is usually followed by more women than men so there might be a little more understanding of the people involved.

I fell in love and married a women 22 years younger than me. I was 49 and she was 28. We were business associates and it just developed into a full blown romantic relationship. We had a child in 2011 and finally got married in 2017 having lived together for 17 years.

Before I describe the issue, I need to acknowledge that none of this is her fault. She tried for many years to live with my personal issues. I have lived with PTSD from a young age as the result of past experiences in the military. Before I met her I had received a minor level of treatment through a government program, but it ground me down and I abandoned it. That's pertinent because it has resulted in my inability to get close and feel intimate (not sexual) with anyone. I have no succinct explanation for it and I didn't realise that I was being affected in this way. I have always loved her, but have not sought intimacy with her and even pushed her away in she tried. This went on for at least 15 years. I developed ED and she tried to get me to seek treatment for it, but I only ever superficially pursued any treatment. But even before the ED I had a very low libido and avoided sex. I felt the need for sex, but just could not get close enough to actually do it. As result, we have not actually had sex for over five years.

I think anyone reading this will know where this is going. I am no longer the handsome hunk that she married and she is still very attractive. We have not slept in the same bed for five years. Just recently she has asked me to give her my okay for her to have the occasional tryst outside the marriage to get the physical love she needs. I know will be called selfish, but my heart dropped right out of my chest, I felt destroyed. My immediate question was have you already done it, which she adamantly denies and I have no proof to the contrary, but plenty of circumstantial indications. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she refuses to even discuss any possibility of ever being in a husband and wife relationship again. She just as adamantly doesn't want me to leave. That is partly because of finances, but also because we have been a very tight family unit and my daughter would have an extreme affect on her which could be serious (we are an extremely close father/daughter relationship.) However selfish I am, I just could not agree to her request and I offered to leave (I am from another country and it would not be possible financially to maintain a separate household in this country.) But, my daughter would be devastated.

She will not discuss any possibility of going back. I don't blame her. I don't know when she made her mind up with such finality, but the train has left the station.

Well, that's the situation and unfortunately I have not felt any better after writing this. I have been married three times now, each of my former wives experienced what my wife has experienced and all of them found solace with another man. It's only now in the twilight of my life I can see how toxic I have been as a partner. She says she still loves me, but not as a husband; more like a family member. I know what she means by that. She loves the memory of what she used to feel when she did love me as a husband. I have hurt every person who has loved me since my early twenties. My second wife once said to me that falling in love with me was like falling in love with a rock: you will love it and be devoted to it but you will never get anything back. I have never deserved any of the love I have been given. I was hoping to feel better after venting, but actually I don't deserve any relief. I am reaping what I have sown.

I would suggest individual and family counselling to unravel your marriage in a way that causes the least hurt to all.

If you have a decent pension, a house that is full paid off and your wife works, I think you have a chance of housing all three of you in two houses.

Threatening to leave the country is not fair on your wife or your daughter. It may yet be possible for you to recieve help for your trauma, which of course has had an impact on your life.

You also need to acknowledge that this also has an effect on your daughter and will already have done so.

You have a choice now, to do better than you did the last two times your marriages did not work out. Be there for your daughter, unravel your marriage being fair to all parties. Put your need to have your wife there for you while not meeting her emotional and physical needs aside and see what is best for your family unit.

Your relationship with your daughter is not dependent on you and your wife staying together but it is dependant on you putting her first.

@ChateauMargaux has put it all better than I did and I completely agree with her. You’ve been given a third chance to get it right, having got it so badly wrong twice already.

You say how much you hurt your sons by being unavailable and you’re planning to do it again to your daughter because your ego is wounded by the fact that your long-neglected wife has had enough of waiting for you to be a husband. You say you love your wife with all your heart but you haven’t wanted intimacy for years and you haven’t been willing to give her what she wanted for years. That’s not how we treat someone we love with all our hearts.

I’m sorry for what you went through but you’ve had 50 years and 3 loving marriages in which to mend yourself. And you’re planning to continue the same old pattern and fuck things up for your daughter by moving abroad and leaving when the family home is just one year from being mortgage free. Stop just thinking only of yourself. Be that hero your daughter thinks you are. At least stay long enough for the family home to be mortgage free and, if you must physically leave the marriage (bearing in mind you left it emotionally years ago), stay near your daughter. This is your chance to get it right. Don’t blow it again.

I'm puzzled about the financial situation and why you can't split up and move out to a flat nearby. People do when relationships break down. Everyone's standard of living will go down: yours, your wife's, your daughter's. But you'll all survive, won't you?

I assume you've been living in this country for many years and all of you are entitled to any relevant benefits? So why is it significant that you weren't born here? Being foreign-born does theoretically give you additional options - you could go off to your home country in order to live more cheaply - but that is unthinkable as it means being separated from your daughter, and even more separated from your sons.

To be honest, I think the “I must move abroad” thing is more about emotional blackmail than anything. Enough of hurting those who have loved you most. Take this opportunity to get it right. Be a hero for your daughter.

This is the type of issue that I genuinely just don’t understand (apologies for commenting anyway). Your wife’s sexual satisfaction has been unimportant to you for years and you’ve pushed her away. Why does it matter to you if she looks for a discreet relationship elsewhere? By raising the subject with you she is trying to act ethically and preserve the marriage.

Why do you say it’s to do with the age gap?? It’s nothing to do with that and everything to do with (maybe both of you?) feeling lonely within your relationship because of your poor communication.
I am 25 years younger than my husband, he is 75…we still have a very loving, very tactile, relationship and are happily intimate. I had 2 previous marriages sadly but I learnt from them and even at my most insecure (The urge to pull back is huge) I talk to my husband, we have never ended any day not in each others arms.
You need to both talk and listen, and learn.

Whatever you end up deciding, for your children’s sake get some fresh therapy for your PTSD (if that is what it is). DH is ex military and emergency services; the help he had early on was rubbish compared to what he has received in the past few years.

Have you actually looked into what you could rent on your pension?
You won’t be able to rent an equivalent sized house but have you looked at one or two bedroom flats?
If your wife in 51 and currently paying 60% of expenses and there’s only one year left on the mortgage then it doesn’t sound at all impossible for that to be extended at a rate she manage until the house is paid off. She has another 15 ish years of working life left. It’s a question you should ask a mortgage broker.
You could also choose to stay for another year while the house gets paid off and ask her to hold off on the plans to seek a lover until you can move out when the financial implications will be less worrisome for you both. She may agree or not. Or she may say yes and just keep very quiet but go ahead anyway.

I understand and you are probably right.

I have not yet been able to think beyond the next five minutes yet. But I won't let her or my daughter suffer financially from this. They will stay afloat, I'll see to that.

Why would you have to move abroad and away from your daughter?

Thank you. My military service was in my home country. Those services are not available to me here. But, as you say, it felt very much like the help I received all those years ago did more damage than good. It's so late in my life, I doubt if I could "cure" anything at this point. But, I do plan on investigating getting some type of therapy to help me understand why I am the way I am only so that whatever time I have left with my family will be good for them. All of this has brought me inward and made me look at myself much closer than I have in many, many years. I won't go very deep, but I was injured in that conflict. It was a minor injury. I keep thinking about the fact that if that bullet had been just two inches in a different direction, none of the people I have hurt would have had to experienced what they did. Stupid, I know.

Thank you for your comment.

Those are almost precisely the words my wife used. I don't have a good answer. I suppose I am selfish at not wanting to think about my wife in that vein.

Your reply brought a little tear to my eye. Your husband sound exactly like the man I wish I could have been. Thank you for posting.

I have a great deal of sympathy for your predicament. You sound like a kind man full of self reflection. You also sound as though you are blaming yourself for things that aren't your choices; your wife has asked to take a lover, does she really think that will be without consequences? that the existing dynamic of your relationship will not change? That your child won't sense something is amiss when she is older ?
I am not denying that sex and physical intimacy is very important but you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, I personally couldn't agree to your wife's suggestion.

I am not trying blackmail anyone. If I moved back home, it will be a practical decision, not an emotional one. I appreciate your cantor I know you are right.

Well your marriage is over...but you are still being controlling and emotionally coercive with the 'I'll flounce off abroad if you leave me' message!

You've have messed up three women's lives already by not getting help for your PTSD, and not getting help with your sexual inadequacies...and now you're about to mess up your daughter's life too by fucking off overseas to continue to continue not taking responsibility for your issues. Great job 👍

Or alternatively...do the right thing!

So, you don't want to have sex with her, but you want her to be faithful to you regardless? How is it cheating anyway, she's not having sex with two men at once, if you won't touch her.

I am in a similar situation, without the age gap. I'm 53 and DH is 50. He has low libido and ED, and let me tell you, it's no walk in the park for me. But at least we do have sex every couple on months. If he had left me dangling for 5 years, I wouldn't even still be with him.

The fact that your wife loves you enough to hang around is a miracle, and one that I would be using to my advantage, if I was in your shoes. I'm 99% sure you won't take my advice, but as a woman in the same shoes as your wife, I can tell you what would work for me. You need to throw everything in to this last ditch attempt to save your marriage. Finances allowing, book a hot holiday somewhere, just the two of you. Wine and dine her. Romance her. Have sex with her - if the ED can't be managed with viagra, take sex toys and use them. As I have explained to my DH many times, sex with toys is better than no sex at all. You have a limited amount of time, to turn this around.

I think her threat to take a lover is your last warning shot across the bows.
She is still with you just now - take advantage of this. Because if she does start having sex with another man, it is game over

I want to shake you and wake you up.

Oh...and you keep telling yourself that your decision is 'for practical reasons, not emotional'...you might convince yourself eventually, but nobody else is fooled for a minute!

How do you think others get through these situations, without the option of fucking off abroad (to escape/hide/)? That's right...they don't! They stay and sort out a workable solution!

Difficult situation.

You have firmly put your needs ahead of 3 wives, because of your trauma.

However understandable this may be, the truth remains that three women including your present wife have been hugely impacted by this, and your sons.

Your own needs have been to the forefront of your actions and choices.

After two failed marriages you still pursued a much younger woman.

At 72 you really need to start focusing on the impact your actions will have on a little girl.

However difficult it may be, you need to put your own needs aside.

I think your wife has sacrificed enough of her life.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. And thank you for being brutally honest, I needed that. To be honest, it was foolish of me to post this on a public forum. I am not in the right frame of mind to even make sense. But all of you have helped me to look a little closer at myself. The truth is, and I probably would not have accepted it, I AM thinking more of myself. It's not my nature to do that, but that is what I was doing. You all have helped me to recognise that. I will NOT be going back to my home country. I am not going to leave my little girl. I'll somehow work out how to give my wife what she needs. So, I am staying put. My little girl would be devastated if I was not here. I'm never going to do that to my child again. My oldest son who is in his forties now is flying over to spend a week with me in July. I left him behind when he was only 8. He STILL craves my love and approval. I'll try to do it with dignity, but I will seek his forgiveness.

I don't know how successful I'll be, but I am going to do my best to get this right for my daughter. I'm in the home stretch of my life, but I still want to be here to see her main events, school graduation, her first boyfriend and maybe even see her walk down the aisle herself (hopefully with someone much better that her dad.)

Thank you to those who were brutally honest. It has helped. I don't know if its going to make any difference , but I am going to try to exorcise these demons, They have had me long enough.

That’s a great update, OP. See, it takes a strong person to hear painful messages and go to work on themselves. You are that person. Given current life expectancy rates, there’s every reason to believe you’ll be walking your daughter up the aisle. And have a lovely time with your son in July. I’m sure he will listen with an open heart.

OP,
I commend you for taking on board these tough posts.

We are all our legacy and we never know when that moment will arrive.

Do not underestimate for one minute the power of a well thought out heartfelt apology to your sons.

Intergenerational trauma is a real thing.

Take the next few weeks to search honestly in your heart about what you know to be true about your sons and the impact your leaving had on them .

At 8, your leaving was confusing, devastating and traumatising for him and his brothers.

He may well have carried blame for this.

Words carry huge power.

Writing everything down in a letter, so that you get to say everything could be real conversation starter, and will give him something to physically have.

Explain your war trauma, his innocence and your guilt and sorrow, culminating in words of enormous pride in him, and everything he has achieved DESPITE the early upheaval you caused.

This could go a long, long way to help him process his past and help any family he has created.

Take the opportunity to be humble and explicit in your sorrow for your mistakes.

Your words will have enormous power to ease his pain and help that 8 year old boy heal.

You can change your legacy to your sons.

Wishing you well.

I would suggest that you start to take responsibility for your own issues and see how that personal development and growth impacts your relationship. You are expecting your wife to put up with a lot of BS. Don’t do that. Sort yourself out and hopefully for all concerned things will improve.