I'm not looking for advice or guidance. I am mainly just venting because I feel as low as I have probably ever felt, it helps a little. I believe this forum is usually followed by more women than men so there might be a little more understanding of the people involved.
I fell in love and married a women 22 years younger than me. I was 49 and she was 28. We were business associates and it just developed into a full blown romantic relationship. We had a child in 2011 and finally got married in 2017 having lived together for 17 years.
Before I describe the issue, I need to acknowledge that none of this is her fault. She tried for many years to live with my personal issues. I have lived with PTSD from a young age as the result of past experiences in the military. Before I met her I had received a minor level of treatment through a government program, but it ground me down and I abandoned it. That's pertinent because it has resulted in my inability to get close and feel intimate (not sexual) with anyone. I have no succinct explanation for it and I didn't realise that I was being affected in this way. I have always loved her, but have not sought intimacy with her and even pushed her away in she tried. This went on for at least 15 years. I developed ED and she tried to get me to seek treatment for it, but I only ever superficially pursued any treatment. But even before the ED I had a very low libido and avoided sex. I felt the need for sex, but just could not get close enough to actually do it. As result, we have not actually had sex for over five years.
I think anyone reading this will know where this is going. I am no longer the handsome hunk that she married and she is still very attractive. We have not slept in the same bed for five years. Just recently she has asked me to give her my okay for her to have the occasional tryst outside the marriage to get the physical love she needs. I know will be called selfish, but my heart dropped right out of my chest, I felt destroyed. My immediate question was have you already done it, which she adamantly denies and I have no proof to the contrary, but plenty of circumstantial indications. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she refuses to even discuss any possibility of ever being in a husband and wife relationship again. She just as adamantly doesn't want me to leave. That is partly because of finances, but also because we have been a very tight family unit and my daughter would have an extreme affect on her which could be serious (we are an extremely close father/daughter relationship.) However selfish I am, I just could not agree to her request and I offered to leave (I am from another country and it would not be possible financially to maintain a separate household in this country.) But, my daughter would be devastated.
She will not discuss any possibility of going back. I don't blame her. I don't know when she made her mind up with such finality, but the train has left the station.
Well, that's the situation and unfortunately I have not felt any better after writing this. I have been married three times now, each of my former wives experienced what my wife has experienced and all of them found solace with another man. It's only now in the twilight of my life I can see how toxic I have been as a partner. She says she still loves me, but not as a husband; more like a family member. I know what she means by that. She loves the memory of what she used to feel when she did love me as a husband. I have hurt every person who has loved me since my early twenties. My second wife once said to me that falling in love with me was like falling in love with a rock: you will love it and be devoted to it but you will never get anything back. I have never deserved any of the love I have been given. I was hoping to feel better after venting, but actually I don't deserve any relief. I am reaping what I have sown.