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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you get time for yourself?

59 replies

Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 20:30

Do you manage to get time to do something for yourself?

im a sahm and the ONLY thing I do/love to do is workout. It really helps me mentally and physically. My children are in full time school now so I’m able to go to the gym during the week after dropping them to school. My issue is I am never able to get in a routine as it’s constantly either: half term, school holidays, teacher strike days, bank holidays, kids sick days.

does your partner help watch the kids for you to do something for yourself? My dp works a lot of hours (which I’m extremely greatful for) he works early morning shift, then back home in the afternoon for around 4 hours and then back in the evening for another shift. Once/twice a week he only works evening shift starting around 5pm and on weekends he works morning till around 4pm.

I do get frustrated that he is not helpful in terms of watching the children for me to do something. I don’t do anything at all so having a workout is the only thing that helps me. I can’t even go to the shops without the kids so I wait until they’re in school to do anything (in which I’m still limited as there’s housework and cooking I need to do etc). So I tend to very quickly rush to the gym after dropping them in for an hour then come back.

it’s half term again now and I’m just here with the kids 24/7. I really would’ve loved to her a workout in 2/3 times, I’ve noticed it gives me alot more energy and motivation to be productive with the kids after I’ve had a workout. This school holiday I didn’t even attempt to ask him for help - as I never get it. There has been 2 occasions that he’s ever watched them so I could go to the gym and it required me to go at 6am when they were all still sleeping in bed, so really he didn’t have to do anything.

I know he works a lot but he also gets the time to do anything he wants. He works in a gym and has his own workout at the end of his shift most days. He comes home bragging about how well his workout went and all I think is why couldn’t he let me go and clear my head for an hour?

ive had this conversation with him many times and he will say ‘if you’re smart you could go gym everyday‘ meaning if I worked it around his shifts I could go every day but that never ever happens. He never sticks to it and I end up feeling guilty at the thought of going unless it’s in the morning when they’re sleeping still.

OP posts:
ThePinkQualityStreet · 31/05/2023 20:33

If you also wired I would have sympathy but you don’t have to.
6 hours a day 5 days a week 39 weeks a year you get to yourself. You are very lucky.

ThePinkQualityStreet · 31/05/2023 20:34

*worked

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 20:39

I’m very fortunate to not work (I do have a part time work from home job that I do so I do technically work) however my kids have only just started full time school and I’m about to start working now. I didn’t have childcare up until they went to school (as you see) which is why I couldn’t work.

those 6 hours a day to ‘myself’ are not to myself though. I manage to go gym 3 times a week maximum for 1 hour. The other time I am at home doing all of the housework, cooking all of his meals for the week ahead and whatever work from home I manage to do on my computer too

OP posts:
ToK1 · 31/05/2023 20:44

Yes.

You have all day to yourself while your oH is at work

He needs to do an equal amount of parenting and you need to do an equal amount of working

Then you can divide the free time

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 20:53

ToK1 · 31/05/2023 20:44

Yes.

You have all day to yourself while your oH is at work

He needs to do an equal amount of parenting and you need to do an equal amount of working

Then you can divide the free time

It’s really not ‘all day to myself’ as you’d think. Up until my children were 4 I had never left them, even when he was home I wasn’t able once to go and do something for myself (even food shopping alone).

now they are in school, I’m expected to spend all of that time doing housework and cooking (which I have no problem with and happy to play the traditional woman part when he’s working) but those 6 hours a day to myself are not to myself, they are cleaning up after him, doing all the things he wants done for himself. That’s why I only manage to workout 2-3 times a week for 1 hour.

now when it’s school holidays and he’s out at work, that time is not ‘to myself’ it’s being a mother and raising children morning till night.

I work part time from home which I also have to juggle around being a mother, usually waiting until they’re in bed to work. I don’t have the luxury of being able to go out to work, drive in a car, leave whenever and not have to worry who’s looking after my kids, interact with other adults, etc like he does. I’m also job hunting now so will be going out physically to work soon as well.

I just thought it would be acceptable for him to help 2/3 times during the holidays to watch the children for an hour so I can workout. Considering he can stay behind after his shifts every day for his own workout

OP posts:
ToK1 · 31/05/2023 20:56

@Skyla93

Well you can't have it both ways.

You've allowed him to absolve himself of all parenting and housework because you wanted to play the traditional role.

Would I fuck and now you see why it's an awful idea

(If you're cleaning and cooking for 6 hours a day, stop)

Whydoievenbother · 31/05/2023 21:25

Being a SAHM is brutal, I've maybe had a few hours to myself for the last two years, DH rarely takes DC out anywhere so its all on me. It's mentally exhausting. One bonus is once DC is asleep the evening is free so I try to regularly meet friends for dinner.

Judgyjudgy · 31/05/2023 21:28

How can you spend 6 hours a day cooking and cleaning? Surely that would be 2 hours tops? Start to make bulk meals to freeze etc and use your time more effectively.

SoItGoesAgain · 31/05/2023 21:28

You spend 4 hours every day cleaning and cooking??

SoItGoesAgain · 31/05/2023 21:32

Sorry not helpful.
I work 41 hours per week spread over 4 days. The one week day I don't work I'm with my toddler all day - which I cherish.
I then do a night shift of 8 hours on a Friday night and my husband works (on top of his 37.5 hours weekday) Saturday and Sunday evenings.
And yes, I clean and cook dinner too.
Excluding evenings I am lucky if I get one or two hours per week total alone time.
I'm not complaining, but find it hard to feel sorry for your situation.

PaintedEgg · 31/05/2023 21:32

you have more time than vast majority of people, let alone parents. having an odd week when your routine gets thrown off because you dont get 6h a day to do the same chores most do in an hour after work is really not that bad

its a shame for kids that they miss out on having more time with their dad, but as you've said - he has to work a lot

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2023 21:40

I don't really understand, when he's there in the holidays, why don't you just go out and leave them with him? Why would you need to ask him to watch them? He's their parent too.

5128gap · 31/05/2023 21:41

Are you serious OP? When I found myself temporarily out of work with school age children, I hardly knew what to do with the time I had to myself. Unless your home is of mansion proportions, and you cook 5 course dinners from scratch every night, cooking and cleaning can't take all day, surely? If you really can't squeeze in a workout your problem isn't lack of time it's lack of time management.

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 21:45

Judgyjudgy · 31/05/2023 21:28

How can you spend 6 hours a day cooking and cleaning? Surely that would be 2 hours tops? Start to make bulk meals to freeze etc and use your time more effectively.

He’s a huge fitness fanatic so I bulk prep his meals for the week in advance, can spend 4 hours at a time cooking. Then I cook everyday on top of that, whatever he’s wanting to eat when he comes back in the afternoon and when he’s back at night.

those 6 hours sound like a lot of time but it’s quickly taken up

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/05/2023 21:45

Well I don’t see why he can’t ever watch his children. That’s the bigger issue here. You’ve never been able to leave them with him, bar a few occasions. Why? They are school age and not babies. Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t absolve him of all responsibility in being a parent. Many dads work all week, but will take care of their children on weekends, do their share. Just because they work doesn’t mean they don’t ever have to care for their children. This is the biggest issue here, he’s getting away with doing zero parenting.

I think you need to find out when he’s home between shifts on school holiday days and be ready to go to the gym. Prep the dinner in the morning so if you’re late back you can just make a start straight away. Once this week if over you’ve got a 7/8wk stretch to go regularly. You do need to make changes to home life as this guys taking the P and once you’re working too he’s going to think he can continue to do F all

PaintedEgg · 31/05/2023 21:48

Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 21:45

He’s a huge fitness fanatic so I bulk prep his meals for the week in advance, can spend 4 hours at a time cooking. Then I cook everyday on top of that, whatever he’s wanting to eat when he comes back in the afternoon and when he’s back at night.

those 6 hours sound like a lot of time but it’s quickly taken up

Show quote history

this is still a time management issue. if you're bothered by how much time it takes you to cook then its time to change the routine

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 21:50

SoItGoesAgain · 31/05/2023 21:32

Sorry not helpful.
I work 41 hours per week spread over 4 days. The one week day I don't work I'm with my toddler all day - which I cherish.
I then do a night shift of 8 hours on a Friday night and my husband works (on top of his 37.5 hours weekday) Saturday and Sunday evenings.
And yes, I clean and cook dinner too.
Excluding evenings I am lucky if I get one or two hours per week total alone time.
I'm not complaining, but find it hard to feel sorry for your situation.

That sounds exhausting - well done to you!
honestly, I’m not complaining about spending my time with the kids- it’s the best thing to happen to me I adore my time with them, they’re truly my best friends.

i get both sides of the spectrum. Those that work so much they miss out on spending time with their kids, it’s hard. It’s also not easy being a sahm though, it can be just as brutal. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. I’m not complaining but an hour or 2 of help (just in the school holidays) from their other parent shouldn’t be a huge deal.

can I ask - how do you both manage to work full time? I assume your toddler is in a private nursery or you have a childminder? I financially couldn’t afford childcare for 1 child let alone 2 and have no help so I really didn’t have a choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 21:54

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2023 21:40

I don't really understand, when he's there in the holidays, why don't you just go out and leave them with him? Why would you need to ask him to watch them? He's their parent too.

It just wouldn’t happen. He’d find an issue. When he comes back in the afternoon he stays in bed, spends some time on his phone and then sleeps before his evening shift. On the days when he doesn’t start till the evening, or finishes early he just wants to ‘rest’. He expects me to do all of the work in the home and with the kids, so if I did go gym it would have to be 6am.

OP posts:
27penny · 31/05/2023 21:54

Might be time for your fella to do his own cooking 😏

Midnightpony · 31/05/2023 21:58

Jeez people are being horrible to you OP! Your "D" P should do more childcare.
However, I think it's up to you to have your gym bag packed and the second he walks in the door you walk out.
Easy for him to say you should go when he doesn't help you to make it happen.

He said you need to be smarter about squeezing in workouts?! Well, drop his meal prep and go when he's home. But be prepared for him not to like it

SoItGoesAgain · 31/05/2023 22:00

I know how hard being a stay at home parent is - I was one until 30 hours free childcare kicked in. So I do understand - and I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh in my other message.

To answer your question - My son is now in nursery the 4 days during the week that I work. It's financially brutal, as neither myself or my husband are high earners. I earn just above minimum wage for my regular job and £1 per hour more than that for my night shift. We don't get any universal credit as we are lucky enough to have a mortgage.

The only way we can afford to put our son in nursery it is to take on the night and weekend shifts where we don't have to pay for childcare.

I think you need to stop the extra meal prep for your husband. It's fair enough to have dinner ready when you don't work, but not all the extra you seem to be doing for him.

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 22:02

5128gap · 31/05/2023 21:41

Are you serious OP? When I found myself temporarily out of work with school age children, I hardly knew what to do with the time I had to myself. Unless your home is of mansion proportions, and you cook 5 course dinners from scratch every night, cooking and cleaning can't take all day, surely? If you really can't squeeze in a workout your problem isn't lack of time it's lack of time management.

How a typical school day would go for me… (if it was a day I manage to go gym)
up at 6am, get myself sorted, get 2 kids sorted, make breakfast for kids, pack kids bags, walk to school for 8:30am.
get the bus straight to the gym, arrive around 9:15am. Workout till around 10:30am get the bus straight back home for 11am.

he usually gets home around 11am too, one day I went into the food shop after gym and arrived back home at 11:30am. He was not happy and told me I am ‘late home’…

12pm-2:50pm spend the time doing cleaning/washing/whatever household chores need doing (I make sure the place is spotless before bed at night but he comes back from work with multiple containers from his food and more dishes from eating before bed) so by the time it’s morning I have dishes stacked up again anyway. I then cook whatever he’s wanting to eat at that time and use whatever time I have left to do my work from home on my computer.

2:50pm walk to collect the kids from school, get home, bath/sort kids out, cook the kids their dinner, do the kids homework with them, he will then leave for his evening shift and I will begin cooking the batch meals for him which can take hours.

that’s a typical day IF I manage to go gym. Some days I don’t get that opportunity, some days I have work meetings with my boss that I have to attend.

OP posts:
5128gap · 31/05/2023 22:02

I imagine that like a lot of wage earners in traditional roles set ups, your husband thinks he has traded the benefits of a double income for a life free of domestic inconvenience. Your situation mirrors a lot of set ups from when I was a child in the 70s, with the wife in the home and the husband very hands off. From his perspective, he probably thinks he is funding you to make his life easier. It can be very difficult in these situations to achieve a balance both parties are happy with. Hopefully this will change when you're at work too and you can reassess and reallocate responsibilities.

Midnightpony · 31/05/2023 22:05

Am I the only one who is thinking this partner is abusive? Controlling? Or at the very least a bit of a dick?

chelseabunny · 31/05/2023 22:06

This sounds like your partner is controlling you.
You need to learn to drive too.