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Original poster

Do you get time for yourself?

59 replies

Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 20:30

Do you manage to get time to do something for yourself?

im a sahm and the ONLY thing I do/love to do is workout. It really helps me mentally and physically. My children are in full time school now so I’m able to go to the gym during the week after dropping them to school. My issue is I am never able to get in a routine as it’s constantly either: half term, school holidays, teacher strike days, bank holidays, kids sick days.

does your partner help watch the kids for you to do something for yourself? My dp works a lot of hours (which I’m extremely greatful for) he works early morning shift, then back home in the afternoon for around 4 hours and then back in the evening for another shift. Once/twice a week he only works evening shift starting around 5pm and on weekends he works morning till around 4pm.

I do get frustrated that he is not helpful in terms of watching the children for me to do something. I don’t do anything at all so having a workout is the only thing that helps me. I can’t even go to the shops without the kids so I wait until they’re in school to do anything (in which I’m still limited as there’s housework and cooking I need to do etc). So I tend to very quickly rush to the gym after dropping them in for an hour then come back.

it’s half term again now and I’m just here with the kids 24/7. I really would’ve loved to her a workout in 2/3 times, I’ve noticed it gives me alot more energy and motivation to be productive with the kids after I’ve had a workout. This school holiday I didn’t even attempt to ask him for help - as I never get it. There has been 2 occasions that he’s ever watched them so I could go to the gym and it required me to go at 6am when they were all still sleeping in bed, so really he didn’t have to do anything.

I know he works a lot but he also gets the time to do anything he wants. He works in a gym and has his own workout at the end of his shift most days. He comes home bragging about how well his workout went and all I think is why couldn’t he let me go and clear my head for an hour?

ive had this conversation with him many times and he will say ‘if you’re smart you could go gym everyday‘ meaning if I worked it around his shifts I could go every day but that never ever happens. He never sticks to it and I end up feeling guilty at the thought of going unless it’s in the morning when they’re sleeping still.

OP posts:
ToK1 · 31/05/2023 22:08

Why are you putting up with this shit?

If he won't watch his kids, why did you have more than 1 with him?

Why do you spend hours wasting your time cooking food for him when he can't parent his kids?

Duhduhdub · 31/05/2023 22:09

What on earth are you batch cooking that takes so many hours out of your week??

Your partner sounds like a controlling arsehole.

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 22:10

5128gap · 31/05/2023 22:02

I imagine that like a lot of wage earners in traditional roles set ups, your husband thinks he has traded the benefits of a double income for a life free of domestic inconvenience. Your situation mirrors a lot of set ups from when I was a child in the 70s, with the wife in the home and the husband very hands off. From his perspective, he probably thinks he is funding you to make his life easier. It can be very difficult in these situations to achieve a balance both parties are happy with. Hopefully this will change when you're at work too and you can reassess and reallocate responsibilities.

Yes this is exactly how he views it. I mentioned that to him and he replied ‘that’s how things are set up’. He believes this is how it should be. He also is on my case about getting a good career yet im not sure how the dynamics of our home life will be then when I don’t have the time to spend hours cooking and cleaning

OP posts:
Whydoievenbother · 31/05/2023 22:10

Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 22:02

How a typical school day would go for me… (if it was a day I manage to go gym)
up at 6am, get myself sorted, get 2 kids sorted, make breakfast for kids, pack kids bags, walk to school for 8:30am.
get the bus straight to the gym, arrive around 9:15am. Workout till around 10:30am get the bus straight back home for 11am.

he usually gets home around 11am too, one day I went into the food shop after gym and arrived back home at 11:30am. He was not happy and told me I am ‘late home’…

12pm-2:50pm spend the time doing cleaning/washing/whatever household chores need doing (I make sure the place is spotless before bed at night but he comes back from work with multiple containers from his food and more dishes from eating before bed) so by the time it’s morning I have dishes stacked up again anyway. I then cook whatever he’s wanting to eat at that time and use whatever time I have left to do my work from home on my computer.

2:50pm walk to collect the kids from school, get home, bath/sort kids out, cook the kids their dinner, do the kids homework with them, he will then leave for his evening shift and I will begin cooking the batch meals for him which can take hours.

that’s a typical day IF I manage to go gym. Some days I don’t get that opportunity, some days I have work meetings with my boss that I have to attend.

Show quote history

OK, so 12pm - 2.50, make or prep dinner then. Dishes go in dishwasher. Given you're up so early, you could even do the dinner prep then. In the nicest way, sounds like you're spending much more time on household chores than required. I also don't understand if you're making batch meals that should save you time. Sorry but there's something wrong with the way you're doing it, even if you are doing the bulk of the work. I'm the same and I have a toddler who I take to playgroups etc. I don't have time to myself, but I don't spe d 4-6 hours doing housework, and I'm assuming there's much more housework with a 2 year old. Maybe cap the lunchtime 12- 2, and whatever gets done during then is what gets done.

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2023 22:11

This is no way to live, @Skyla93 . You were back home late, for what? You sound like his servant, not his partner.

Lcb123 · 31/05/2023 22:12

Sorry but you have so much time. Most parents have to do all that plus both work full time.

Whydoievenbother · 31/05/2023 22:13

Have a look at the MOMM, TOMM? method that might help. Or just go back to work, I bet you'll find it all still gets done in much less time

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2023 22:14

The batch meals don't save time because they are eaten by him out of the house, they are not meals for the family.

Screamingabdabz · 31/05/2023 22:15

“It just wouldn’t happen. He’d find an issue.”

Yeah he’s a controlling dick then.

Whydoievenbother · 31/05/2023 22:18

TheSmallAssassin · 31/05/2023 22:14

The batch meals don't save time because they are eaten by him out of the house, they are not meals for the family.

Oh I see, then make more so family can eat them too?

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 31/05/2023 22:19

Think you’ll need your hard hat for this post! Most people’s days look like this - get up at 6am with kids, get everyone ready, nursery and school drops, work 9-5, pick kids up, tea and homework, bath and bed for kids, washing cleaning, prepping for next day. Lots of us are single mums too. You’ve got miles of time in comparison.

VivaVivaa · 31/05/2023 22:25

So you are cooking him a meal during your 12-2:50 slot then you spend another (4 hour!?!) chunk of every evening batch cooking meals for him for some other time that isn’t quite clear? (The following day’s evening shift I presume?)

Thats an insane use of time. Batch cooking should save time and effort, not create more work! DH and I both work full time hours and I doubt we spend more than 4 hours cooking Monday - Friday in total. Your DP may be a fitness fanatic but he can facilitate that himself or take a sandwich like the rest of us, quite frankly.

Gymmum82 · 31/05/2023 22:27

so if I did go gym it would have to be 6am.

So make it 6am then? I work part time and gym on my days off and weekends. In school holidays I get up at 5.30am or earlier to workout before he goes to work. If it’s important to you and that’s the only time you have then that is the time you go

ToK1 · 31/05/2023 22:27

Surely the point of batch cooking is that you do it once? And that's it? That's why you've cooked batches? So you don't need to do it again?

Not that I'd be cooking this prick anything

OriginalUsername2 · 31/05/2023 22:31

This isn’t a relationship. You’ve been hired as a full time personal assistant, chef and child-rearer to a selfish gym boy. I’d be handing in my notice!

Ragwort · 31/05/2023 22:36

There's two separate issues here ... yes, your DP is an absolute dick and should enjoy being with his own DC and giving you a break ... but you are also devoting way too much time to housework and cooking... that's insane.

I was a SAHM for many years but my DH fully pulled his weight because he actively wanted to spend time with his own DC and he recognised that I needed a break. I used to walk every day for an hour before DH left for work, he would get DS up, give him breakfast etc. Then I had time for a swim or class during the day - put DS in a crèche; when he was at pre school I had loads of time to myself - easiest years of my life to be honest ... because I had a very easy DC and my DH fully shared all the domestic & parenting duties ... and didn't have unrealistic expectations about what I was 'supposed' to do or treat me like a servant.

eurochick · 31/05/2023 22:43

I agree with Ragwort's first paragraph. He is a dick but you are using your time poorly.

We both work full time. We are up at 6:30am. Out of the door by 8 for school/office. On my work from home days I fit in a run instead of the morning commute. Then we work all day and sometimes have evening commitments too. One of us needs to be back for 6:30pm for childcare reasons. The other will pop to the shop if we need anything. Then it's time for bath and bed routine for our child. She's usually in bed by 8pm. Then we start dinner for us and evening chores. We work as a team but have far less free time than in your household.

EatingWormsMichael · 31/05/2023 22:46

I think its completely in your power to ensure you get the 3 workouts you want. Spending nearly 3 hours on chores every day is a waste of a life. Stop asking for permission to do what you want to do.

Original poster
Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 22:49

ToK1 · 31/05/2023 22:27

Surely the point of batch cooking is that you do it once? And that's it? That's why you've cooked batches? So you don't need to do it again?

Not that I'd be cooking this prick anything

Yes that’s how it should be. Only he eats like a horse and finishes it insanely quick due to bodybuilding

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 31/05/2023 22:53

Why are you putting up with being told off for being "late" home? He's not your dad.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/05/2023 22:57

I was a SAHM whe my dc were young. My dh worked in a very demanding medical job. As soon as he came home he played with the dc. If l had wanted to go to a gym l could have headed out the door as soon as he arrived. Your dp is totally unreasonable. These are his dc.When does he play with them? When does he spend any time with you and the dc doing family stuff.
Make sure you have your gym EVERY morning and do not be rushing home to do housework. It can wait.
But l know the issue is the holidays. He has to mind the dc. It won't kill him for an hour. He could just let them watch TV since he is such a lazy arse. Please just say l am heading out. The kids are watching a programme. I will be back in an hour and RUN before he has time to whinge.
Don't ask him..tell him.
He is not a good dp or father.

helloisitmeyourelookingfor · 31/05/2023 23:11

You're having a laugh right?

Redruby2020 · 31/05/2023 23:24

Skyla93 · 31/05/2023 20:39

I’m very fortunate to not work (I do have a part time work from home job that I do so I do technically work) however my kids have only just started full time school and I’m about to start working now. I didn’t have childcare up until they went to school (as you see) which is why I couldn’t work.

those 6 hours a day to ‘myself’ are not to myself though. I manage to go gym 3 times a week maximum for 1 hour. The other time I am at home doing all of the housework, cooking all of his meals for the week ahead and whatever work from home I manage to do on my computer too

But why didn't they go to nursery? All children get free hours from age 3, and because of your husband's work they should have got 30 free hours a week.

Ginger1982 · 31/05/2023 23:25

Time to workout is the least of your worries. You should be looking at the state of your life with this prick. Do you have full access to money?

YukoandHiro · 31/05/2023 23:27

Yeah sorry I have all this plus work four days a week... I don't really get much time to myself but DH and I do block bits out here and there eg to see friends independently.

They're not sick or off school every day, unless you have 5 under 10 or something. You really do have quite a lot of solo time. YABU.