Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Social services assessment

64 replies

Emilyh92 · 31/05/2023 17:10

I’m so scared and upset I just need some advice and to hear about others experiences with social services.

So basically the other night I called the police on my partner. It was a bit of a stupid argument but he hit me with a book he was holding twice on the arm. A week before this he had violently kicked my legs out from under me and I fell to the floor. I was really upset and fed up of this happening which was why I decided to call the police.

My little boy (4 months) was present for both, and I’ve told the police that, I spilled out everything to them as I was so emotional and told them every little bad thing that has ever happened in our relationship including name calling etc.

My partner was arrested and is on bail and cannot contact me at all, he can only see my son with a third party present.

social services have now contacted me to say they will come and talk to me as they need to assess the household. I’m going out of my mind with worry, what will happen? Will they try and take my baby away from me? Force me to leave my partner? (not to say that I won’t anyway but I’m so confused at the moment and haven’t made a decision).

Any advice would be great please, mainly about what may happen with social services

Thanks

OP posts:

BarbedButterfly · 31/05/2023 17:21

Not an expert but they will expect you to keep your child safe, which will likely involve you leaving your partner. You should be doing this anyway. Just go along with anything they recommend and show willingness to engage

YoSof · 31/05/2023 17:28

They will expect you to take steps to protect your child, and that may mean leaving your partner.

This is an abusive relationship, you shouldn’t be in it and your child definitely should not be subjected to this.

They will not take your child from you unless you are possibly seen as failing to protect, but that’s a long way off and they are there to support you first and foremost.

WilkinsonM · 31/05/2023 17:31

They won't take your baby. They will refer you to a service to support you as a victim of DA. They will probably refer your DP to a perpetrator program if he is remorseful and wants to change. They will expect you to after a safety plan for the baby which should involve him living somewhere else until he has evidenced he has engaged with support.

the bigger question is what are you going to do? Domestic abuse almost never stays secret and the more you try to hide it the worse it will be for your baby and also in terms of consequences from the authorities. Do you accept that you should end this relationship?

Mirandaesque · 31/05/2023 17:32

Please reread your post - you said you are fed up of this happening. This isnt a healthy relationship for you or your child.
You are not at fault, he is the perpetrator but they will need to see you as the protective factor when it comes to your child. If you listen to their concerns in relation to your partner and engage they may look at child in need planning or early help. But if you choose to continue this relationship and are not seeing their concerns or not willing to engage with them, they may look at child protection . Please remember social services are there primarily to support, please work with them and get the help you need to make choices and stay safe.

MrsKeats · 31/05/2023 17:40

Ex partner surely?
You planning on raising a child in an abusive household?

Coyoacan · 31/05/2023 17:45

My dd had a two-month-old when her partner go very angry and violent with her. They split up but the poor baby had absorbed his anger and you could hear anger in her crying. As they stayed split up that passed and she a happy easy-going child.

Please do not subject your child to such a violent life, OP.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2023 17:48

Well, obviously, you split from your abusive, violent ex and never, ever take him back.

And they'll be there to make sure that your DS is protected by you doing this.

AgentJohnson · 31/05/2023 19:01

Your bf is abusive and SS will want you to understand that you and your son are in danger if you don’t take what has been happening seriously. You called the police for a reason and they in turn referred you to SS.

Bargellobitch · 31/05/2023 19:10

Having had professional experience of this a big factor is whether the relationship is ongoing. If you are still in a relationship and expose your child to him and his abuse they are much more worried than if he's been abusive and you leave him.

So basically in my experience it depends on what you do going forward. As although you are a victim of abuse too. You're the one who decides on the environment for your child and they have no say in what they are exposed to so SS will be looking to support you to safeguard your child.

Also the law changed to say children who are present when abuse happens are also victims of abuse.

So sorry this happened to you xx

Lilyt14 · 31/05/2023 19:17

Sorry that this is happening. From personal experience you have nothing to worry about as long as you leave the relationship and safeguard your child.

Contact Women’s Aid as soon as possible for support in leaving him.

Be willing to accept any DV support that SS offer. And also consider taking a course like the freedom program to help you moving forwards. I’ve done this and would highly recommend it. SS may also suggest this, or something similar, to you.

Also consider getting legal advice in terms of child arrangements upon separation.

Be aware that if you do get back together with your abusive partner (or even show signs of accepting his behaviour) than SS will consider you as much of a risk to your child as him.

ProjectsGalore · 31/05/2023 19:19

What do you want to happen? Research shows that children are damaged even before they are born by experiencing domestic violence. Despite this many women believe that children are unaware of this abuse (they are not) and so they do anything to keep the relationship going. Many of them even lose their own children such is their devotion to these abusive arseholes. At the moment the ball is in your court but Social services will take any steps necessary to protect your children if you don't.

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:22

Force me to leave my partner? (not to say that I won’t anyway but I’m so confused at the moment and haven’t made a decision).

Juts to help with your confusion, your partner is an abusive cunt. He will not become a better man. It will escalate. You will be abused further. It will be damaging to your child.

Engage with SS and do the right thing by your child and for yourself. Get rid of him.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 31/05/2023 19:26

You need to leave your partner.
They absolutely will not take your baby if you leave your partner.
If you prove you cannot keep your baby safe by returning to an abusive partner then you will have to accept whatever comes your way.

How do you want your baby to see relationships?

Fandabedodgy · 31/05/2023 19:28

They need to check baby is safe

That you can keep him safe
That any contact with dad is supervised and managed

You need to put baby first and demonstrate that.

They will also provide you support.

AthenaPopodopolous · 31/05/2023 19:32

well social services will want to know that you have kicked him out and won’t return to the relationship. Otherwise they may look at temporary care till you make your mind up. They want to see you protecting your baby from domestic abuse.
Theres only one option for you now love. Leave the bastard and never look back. Let him take you to Court for child contact, he likely won’t bother.
Its likely your child will be placed on child protection measures for a lengthy time so work with child services till your strong and make the best decisions for you and your child.

WilkinsonM · 31/05/2023 19:39

AthenaPopodopolous · 31/05/2023 19:32

Please don't say things like 'they may look at temporary care'. I can guarantee that under the circumstances the OP describes there is no way social services would apply to remove the baby and there is no way a court would agree it so it's a pointless scare tactic that isn't reflected in reality. People saying things like this perpetuates harmful myths about social services and makes people less likely to engage honestly.

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:42

@WilkinsonM

I have taken care of a baby in these circumstances, it was a temporary placement but sadly the mother didn't stay away from the father and the baby ended up going to grandparents.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2023 19:43

You know you’re not safe. You know your baby isn’t safe. If you find it hard to prioritise yourself and aren’t sure yet that you deserve better than being physically assaulted and your body injured, please prioritise your precious and tiny baby who you know deserves a safe and happy home to grow up in.

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:44

Also you say it's juts a scare tactics but I'm of the opinion 'whatever it takes' to get mum safe from Dad. If that means fearing she will lose her child then so be it. Lots of women end up dead because they ignore and excuse the initial abuse.

WilkinsonM · 31/05/2023 19:46

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:42

@WilkinsonM

I have taken care of a baby in these circumstances, it was a temporary placement but sadly the mother didn't stay away from the father and the baby ended up going to grandparents.

You've taken a baby into care after one episode of domestic abuse with no CP or PLO process with no major injuries and no prior engagement with social services?
either it was a voluntary arrangement or you're misrepresenting what happened. It just wouldn't meet the legal threshold. Not possible. It would be illegal!

MaybeBabyTwo · 31/05/2023 19:46

@WilkinsonM I've worked with a family with children taken into temporary care that unfortunately became permanent care because Mum wouldn't/couldn't choose to leave Dad permanently. Initially couldn't make up her mind and then went back and forth. OP needs to be absolutely clear on the risk of staying in this relationship.

WilkinsonM · 31/05/2023 19:47

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:44

Bullshit. Threatening things that are illegal isn't going to make a woman engage openly with social services. No social worker would say something so stupid.

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:47

@WilkinsonM

I didn't say I took the baby into care. I said I took care of the baby.

highlandspooce · 31/05/2023 19:49

@WilkinsonM

Bullshit. Threatening things that are illegal isn't going to make a woman engage openly with social services. No social worker would say something so stupid.

I'm not claiming to be a social worker if that what you mean here? Maybe I misread it?

I'm not saying a social worker should threaten women I'm saying there is not much wrong with people in this thread suggesting OP engages with SS because the alternative is worse.

Bluebells1970 · 31/05/2023 19:51

OP, you engage fully and honestly, and you repeat everything that you told the Police. You need to put your baby before your partner, end of. If you chose to stay with him, at best your child will be placed on a protection plan and SS will be a regular feature of your life.

It's ultimately your choice. But this won't go away, no matter how hard you want it to.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread