waiting for relationship/sex counselling - a thread to keep me sane while I wait

[needsomeinspirationplease]

following on from my recent thread where I was initially hoping to inject a bit of fizz into our sex life but which morphed into a thread about much more than our sex problems and helped me no end in terms of working some things out in my head I am now going to start this thread. Hopefully it will keep me sane as I wait the 6-8 weeks until we can get our first relationship and sex counselling appointment...

the main problems in our relationship, according to BobbieWickham (to whom I am eternally grateful for her insights - as well as thegreenfairy) are

1. My dh is drinking too much
2. I am depressed and receiving meds for this
3. Our dd1 (5yo) is depressed and is receiving counselling - well, she is actually finsihed her counselling now, but still fairly erratic, highly strung behaviour
4. There is a lack of communication between me and dh (he doesn't want to discuss any of the issues between us)
5. Me and dh have mismatched libidos - mine is high, his is low. I put mine on hold for the past 7 or so years having gotten sick of regular rejection but after a recent sexual reawakening have decided I don't want to do this anymore

and I would add
6) we have disjointed expectations of present/future life together and with our kids (he rarely wants to do anything other than very very local, predictable things with the kids)

but we are very fond of each other (I think!) and have been together 15 years so I guess it's worth trying some counselling in order to try to sort stuff out

we have just submitted our questionaires to the counselling service (well, DH says he will do this later today) and should get appt in next 6-8 weeks

If anyone would like to share their experiences of couples/sex counselling with me I'd be grateful, or any other experiences that might have a bearing

in the meantime I will post here if things get too much again

Hi NSIP

Not been able to read your whole thread but, if you are still looking for a 'useful' toy, I can highly reccommend this one

www.annsummers.com/single.asp?gid=7&cat=23&pid=4436

It goes down a treat in our house

hi there,
well i have no experience of couple counselling but i had a comment or two about mismatched sex drives.
me and my dp used to both have very high drives and amazing sex. now mine seems really low, and his is still as high as it was. what seems to be helping build mine back up again is making sure i masturbate when im on my own. (could you suggest that to him? its kind of like the more you think about sex the hornier you get generally)
the other thing is my dp has become uninterested in masturbating although he used to a lot! i really wish he would more though, partly to take the pressure off me, but also because i want him to be having a fulfilling sex life even if its not between the two of us!
so i really support the upping the wank levels of both parties, and if you haven't got a vibrator i would suggest getting one. we also use porn, together and apart, but i think thats not for everyone. i certainly used to find it politically objectionable/ridiculous, but now it turns me on.
me and my dp have an open relationship too, but i certainly wouldn't suggest that as a solution to sexual problems. indeed, it is only when things are going swimmingly between us that it seems viable to be involved with other people.
depression/alcoholism and the weight of dealing with your child's depression will surely be a massive factor.
and i would say that if you DO decide that it is the best thing to end the relationship that doesn't mean you should see it as failure. i think choosing when something has run its course and you are better apart is something to respect rather than fear. especially if you can do it as fond friends rather than enemies. it isn't about giving up, or not trying anymore, but trying a new form of relationship.
good luck anyway!

Hi, My dh and I went to Relate because of dh having an affair (see I'm confused... thread)but were told that there would be a 10 week wait for an appointment.
We just couldn't wait so I looked in the yellow pages under Counselling and found a private Relationship Counsellor that worked from her home not far from us. I spoke to her over the phone and she saw us within a week. She has been fantastic. Obviously, you need to check they are qualified.
She actually charges less than Relate also. Hope you find someone soon. x

mmm, that looks interesting tfm not sure it is exactly what we need just now but is certainly something to bear in mind for when things gets more ahem, lively

maebee what you say about thinking about sex incresaing your sex drive is true for me anyway - we had a great night last week, I wore sexy lingerie for the first time etc and afterewards I couldn't stop thinking about it and just wanted more and more. He didn't
I'd been worried about getting a vibrator as I thought it might make me find it harder to come during sex with dh if I got used to one, also, I probably don't need to have my sex drive increased anymore, as I just get frustrated with him.

we are waiting for an NHS appointment, there is a very good service near to us that the GP thought would be better for us than relate, although I'd emailed a couple of relate counsellors before I heard from the nhs but haven't heard back - I guess we are not so obviously desperately in need as you stirlingmum - don't mean that to sound funny but we haven't had a major change like discovering an affair (hope you are ok?) so can probably hang on, a bit

Don't be worried about getting a vibrator! needs must I have one (a couple actually and it hasn't affected my ability to orgasm with DP. Initially, it took the pressure off him a bit and then, it insprired him, he became a bit jealous so he upped the anti

You have to do whatever gets you through, whatever works for you.

Hi inspiration. Just to let you know I'm still here and following your progress.
I'm glad to hear you're making progress with your GP. I think it would be a good idea to check that DH has sent off the forms. Be careful how you address it, but from his past behaviour I could imagine him 'forgetting' to do it. If you can ask him without sounding like your naggin (difficult) it might help to put your mind at rest.
The fact he filled it out though is real progress and it sounds like taking positive action has made you feel a bit better.
Keep up the good work and keep talking to him as well as MN!
xx

HI TGF - thanks for popping in
No I'm not going to ask him tonight - he's had a tough day with both kids while I've been at work and he is now marking essaysso I will not add to the pressure - will "enquire" tomorrow morning

TFM - hmm, maybe I will get one then, I've always wanted to and your point about it maybe heightening his interest is one to think about

also, it would keep me going and keep my sex drive up a bit (which I have actaually enjoyed, and was kind of shocked at the realisation of what I'd been missing)

(so, now I just have to decide which one...always quite fancied a rabbit!)

Rabbit is good! But, my fave was just a nice little simple one, does the job just as well but a lot less imposing, and quieter! Have fun deciding but definately get one, every girl should have one

oh, are rabbits very noisy then? perhaps I need a new thread for vibrator recommendations..

Yes, it is a bit loud. Compared to my little one it is anyway. They are fairly big and bulky looking too, it might get a bit of getting used to with you being a first timer
My little one was a freebie, I got it for £2.50 p&p, a bargain!
Maybe start with a 'regular' one then, when you are 'flying without wings' award yourself a promotion to a rabbit

"flyng without wings" - huh? what?

I have used other non-specifically designed for the purpose objects in the past (oooh, it is all coming out now) Indeed there was a point at which I was choosing my deodorant based on the shape of the bottle

so I suppose am not a total novice, just need something designed for purpose

so, afaik he sent off the questionnaires
I thought things were going along nicely - I've been feeling much better and we haven't been fighting so much etc but Sunday night he was very morose and when I asked what was up he told me (this was unusual in itself as usually he won't talk - just says he wants the day to be over and goes to sleep - leads me to believe he sneaked a peek at my completed questionnaire and saw that I had put down lack of communication as one of our "issues")
he said he is very nervous about going for the counselling and that he is frightened of what we might say or "invent to say" as he puts it. He is concerned that we say something and the counsellor picks that up and makes that our story/our problem/whatever and that things that aren't necessarily important will get blown up out of proportion. After Madamez said on another thread that she felt it unkind to force people who prefer to be reserved into this kind of talking thing I am starting to wonder whether it will be A Good Thing, or not...
I suppose at least we are talking a little more privately at least...haven't brought up the sex thing, although if he did look at my questionnaire he'll have seen that I put "mismatched libidos" down, and he knows I bought a rabbit because I showed it to him, he laughed and hasn't mentioned it since...

Hi there

If there's one thing I've learned it's not to ask a man 'what's up?' when he goes quiet. It's best just to let him be, do his thinking and wait for him to come round. Otherwise, just like you did, you start over thinking.

I hope you don't mind me saying INSIP but, i feel a bit sorry for your DP. I can understand his concerns. If he feels everything is ok in that department he may well be worried that 'problems' that aren't actually there are going to be uncovered. I can understand why he is worried and anxious.

As for the rabbit. Just get on with it! Don't wait for a reaction from your DP over it, don't expect a reaction or any interest immediately, give it time. He may just need time to come out of his shell a little xx

Hi

I ask him because he can get really morose, for days, and I find it hard to deal with it as well as with the kids and stuff...
interesting that you feel sorry for DH - bacause you think I am pushing him too hard or something? as I said I am starting to wonder myself about the counselling thing - but what else do you do? I am on meds for depression, much of which could be said to have come about because we don't talk and I don't know what our joint plans for the future etc are. He is VERY into his career, to the point of obsession at times, but gets very depressed by it too. If we don't do something I just feel that my depression could get worse and I'll just end up feeling very resentful if that happens.
I am not pushing the sex thing at all, and have no major expectations in that regard at the moment. I just showed him the vibe so that I wouldn't feel awkward about it, I didn't suggest we use it or anything. And I have been "getting on with it"

if you have any other ideas I am glad to hear them - I don't want him to have to deal with anything he really doesn't want to, but at the same time I need us to deal with some stuff for me...maybe I just need counselling on my ownio instead? and I do think getting in touch with his emotions might not do him any harm at all - I don't expect him to take up meditation or even yoga but a small investment in examining how he feels/what he wants might be good for him - or maybe not...

I think it's very natural that he's concerned over the counselling. When you've never done something like that it's difficult to know what to expect.

What I would say though, is that you're not 'pushing' him into anything. You have recognised a real problem, which is making you very unhappy, and are doing something positive to address it.
That's all good.

He may need a little reassurance from you - perhaps from the perspective that you see this as a 'joint' thing, to work together on what you both want/need from the relationship, so that you're both happy.
Perhaps just a bit of encouragement to help him realise it's not him vs you. Or who's problem is more important. Or inventing problems that aren't there.
You will both have a lot of control over where the sessions go and you don't need to explore anything that you don't want to.
The counsellor is there to help you communicate. They're on both of your sides. they're only there to help. I hope he understands that.

I do remember our counsellor picking up some very random issues and trying to attribute our problems to things that weren't even there. At first it would really throw me. But I quickly realised that they are just offering ideas from their vast range of experience. And the minute you both speak up and say that's not an issue/problem, or they're way off the mark, then they move on.

thanks baffy that is really helpful...i must say i was quite plesantly surprised when he admitted how he is feeling about the counselling - that sounds funny but it seems like he is actually thinking about it which he doesn't often seem to do
tbh i feel nervous too, but I guess in a positive way as I am hoping it will help
I will have a chat with him at some point along the lines you suggest and hopefuly he will feel a bit more comfortable
did you find counselling helpful then?

My story is a bit of a nightmare so I won't bore you too much!

I did find it helpful. I found it gave us the tools to communicate better. And also the ability to discuss subjects that we didn't want to face up to alone, iyswim. I hate confrontation. So having a 3rd party lead the discussion, helped me to discuss things I would have otherwise just buried my head about.

(Sadly, my H left me saying he needed 'space' and was unsure about our relationship. So we agreed on counselling. I later discovered he was having an affair. So a lot of the counselling was absolutely pointless, as he lied his way through and never mentioned that the real issue, was that he'd met someone new and was wanting to spend every minute with her! That was the reason he needed space from me! Could have saved us a fortune if I hadn't been so blind to it!)

What I would say though, is the counselling did help us to see what had gone wrong in the first place that led to the affair happening. (Aside from H's need to be selfish and get an ego boost that is!)

I guess that's a good lesson though. Unless you both go into it 100% committed, and to work together, then it will never work.
They can't work miracles can they!
But they can give you the tools and the ability to work through your issues if you're struggling to do that alone.

No,no, INSIP, not because I feel you are 'pushing him into' anything, let's face it, he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't want to, you can lead a horse to water and all that....

No, I feel a bit sorry for him because I sense he feels uncomfortable talking openly about 'certain things'
I actually admire him for agreeing to do it, by doing so he must want to find a solution too and, he must love you very much.

Baffy's advice is good. Especially the bit about you letting him know you see it as a joint problem, that you aren't laying all the responsibility for things improving at his feet.

I really hope you get what you want out of it

Oh yes, and marks out of ten for the rabbit??

oh baffy - I'm sorry hope you are ok now

I think this may be good for us - I think we DO love each other very much, and we often get on very well together, but we are struggling with elements of parenthood, my depression, our DD1's moods, my noods, his moods, our arguing and its effects on our family etc etc. We are both fairly highly strung, as it appears is DD1 so it's all a bit tens eon occasions. Someone to help us negotiate our way around would be useful.

as to the rabbit, hmm, I think I need more practice - only took about 30 secs this morning [ahem] which was a bit fast...very different to orgasm with a man, don't know how to describe it...but different. Nice, don't get me wrong, but I won't be throwing DH out of the bed just yet

You love each other very much, you both want to work things out, and you are both starting to face up to the issues together.

Sounds like an excellent start to me

I've no doubt this will be really useful for both of you. As long as you both always remember how lucky you are to have each other, you can overcome anything!

(Learning a lot from this thread... I think I may need a rabbit too!! )

Yes, I know what you mean

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your house but how lovely that you say you love each other very much.

I really do hope that the counselling works for you and that you manage to get things back on track. Maybe then all the other things will fall into place

I hope you don't mind my asking but, do you think all the other stuff you have going on could be what is affecting your sex life or, do you feel it is down to a mismatch in libido's?

Sorry if you have already gone through all this on your other thread, I still haven't read it from start to finish

Baffy!! You don't have a rabbit!! you must get one immediately, every girl should own a rabbit!

well, I love him very much (when he is not driving me crazy ) not so sure about him - he doesn't talk about these things much (ahem) - I guess he must or he wouldn't be here - it's far too crazy round here for someone to just "hang around" for no good reason...

variations on the sex thing have been an issue for a long time. when we met we were crazy for each other physically, we moved in together quite quickly (within six months of meeting) and all of a sudden our libidos went out of whack - I remember being shocked- We used to have sex almost every day then we moved in together and he was constantly saying no. (well, not constantly). We stayed out of kilter ever since really. In the end I got used to it and stopped trying to initiate things as I got fed up of being brushed off. The we had two kids and were just knackered I guess so things stayed the same. It's only in the last 6 months that he has had the orgasm problem - and tbh this is soemthing I see as possibly becoming a VERY big deal UNLESS it is sorted out, or addressed in some way at least. It makes me feel very inadequate for us to have sex and him never to come, while I always do...(I've never heard of this before) - that's why I thought spicing things up a bit, to include some non-penetrative stuff that might do the trick for him, might be good...which is where this all started...but I cannot do everything on my own, I just can't

baffy, get a rabbit, I'm very glad to have one now, as much as anything else it's almost like a psychological relief - acknowledging that you have needs and that they are worthwhile

lol you two! are you secret rabbit saleswomen posing as mumsnetters?!?!

I think he needs to have a medical check. It's not a nice problem to have. Presumably it's not that he can't get erect but that he can't have an orgasm. Has he put on weight? Is he fit? Has he had his prostate checked?