waiting for relationship/sex counselling - a thread to keep me sane while I wait

[needsomeinspirationplease]

following on from my recent thread where I was initially hoping to inject a bit of fizz into our sex life but which morphed into a thread about much more than our sex problems and helped me no end in terms of working some things out in my head I am now going to start this thread. Hopefully it will keep me sane as I wait the 6-8 weeks until we can get our first relationship and sex counselling appointment...

the main problems in our relationship, according to BobbieWickham (to whom I am eternally grateful for her insights - as well as thegreenfairy) are

1. My dh is drinking too much
2. I am depressed and receiving meds for this
3. Our dd1 (5yo) is depressed and is receiving counselling - well, she is actually finsihed her counselling now, but still fairly erratic, highly strung behaviour
4. There is a lack of communication between me and dh (he doesn't want to discuss any of the issues between us)
5. Me and dh have mismatched libidos - mine is high, his is low. I put mine on hold for the past 7 or so years having gotten sick of regular rejection but after a recent sexual reawakening have decided I don't want to do this anymore

and I would add
6) we have disjointed expectations of present/future life together and with our kids (he rarely wants to do anything other than very very local, predictable things with the kids)

but we are very fond of each other (I think!) and have been together 15 years so I guess it's worth trying some counselling in order to try to sort stuff out

we have just submitted our questionaires to the counselling service (well, DH says he will do this later today) and should get appt in next 6-8 weeks

If anyone would like to share their experiences of couples/sex counselling with me I'd be grateful, or any other experiences that might have a bearing

in the meantime I will post here if things get too much again

no baffy - not a rabbit saleswoman - though there's a thought... TFM - fancy setting up in partnership?

zenia - thanks - I agree - I'd like him to chat to GP about it but he is sticking hi shead in the sand and just ignoring it. He won't even let me bring it up in conversation, which I have only ever tried to do once or twice, very gently. He does manage an orgasm every now and then, more since I've been, ahem, helping after penetrative sex...but it's not a good scenario

he is fit as far as I can tell - he runs, plays footie, goes to gym, is in good physical shape, not overweight or anything, hasn't had prostate checked and would, I am sure, be loathe to.
He does drink quite a bit...

must pop out now but will be back later

Xenia - sorry

It's like the person I was thinking of. They had done a prostate operation on him and he was so relieved he had got the call clear (no cancer) that the orgasm problem wasn't then looked into. It seems different from the classic male problem of having erection difficulties as you get older. It must be very frustrating to get aroused but not be able mostly to bring it to fruition or not as often as you want. May be there's a special medical condition of this this kind. I'd never heard of it before. Perhaps even it just needs treatment with some testosterone plus weight loss and exercise.

yes, is different to the classic problem
he is not overweight though and is very fit so either it is the booze, or perhaps I am too, ahem, how do I put this delicately, slack...stretched...bucketlike ...after giving birth vaginally twice, once to a 10lber...

hmmm...

hi INSIP

Is your dh taking medication for his depression? If so, that can cause the problem you describe.

Other than that, I wonder if it could be the depression itself. He may be stuck in a bit of a vicious circle, depressed because he can't perfom and that makes him feel not so good about himself then, in turn he can't perform because of the depression. It may be a pshycological blockage, for want of a better phrase

I hope discussing things on here is helping you though. xx

no, no medication. Th eGP reckons he is not depressed. I reckon he probably is, but I am not a medical professional. He is certainly very moody, regularly very despondent, overreacts to small things etc etc all the signs that made me realise I was depressed. DH took the depression questionnaire but he answered it in very subtle ways - he is never black and white about anything, so GP put down NO to most of the qs and he came up as fine. I do think he self medicates through booze, and he has said this himself, in GPs presence.

anyway, I think things are getting a little better, I'm less stressed because I think we are moving forward in some shape so I am probably a bit less hard on him in all those subconscious ways that you don't even realise you are doing

it does help to come on here and get other perspectives/vent a bit

thanks

Iam so pleased that you feel you are moving forward.

My DP works at a very stressful job. He used to be just as you describe your DH. I used to take it personally, think it was something I had done and would spend wuite a lot of time pushing him to talk, whining and nagging, feeling a bit sorry for myself. Of course, this only made the situation worse, it pushed him even further away. Once I backed off, actually stopped blaming myself and feeling i was responsible for making him happy and cheery things improved ten fold. Nowadays, I just leave him in peace and wait for him to come to me.

Now when I was depressed, I tried St John's wort and a supplement called 5HTP, they worked wonders for me and brought me out of a very black hole. I wonder if they would help your DH? You could slip em into his tea

thanks

he already takes st j wort religiously (and starts to quake if he runs out) I will find out about the other one...

I agree about not holding yourself responsible for their wellbeing/happiness - but I suppose you can't help a) wanting them to be happy and b)wanting them to be a pleasant force about the home!

I am on meds for my depression so not feeling so down on everything anymore which has helped me a lot, now I just worry about when the gp tries to take them off me (I'll kill him!) that's why I need to get things at home onto a more even keel as otherwise I'll come off the meds and just slide right back down into the black pit

Yes, I know what you mean about wanting everything to be rosy at home and not being able to help feeling you have to sort it. BUT, once I stopped feeling I had to be his 'fixer' I felt so liberated. I concentrated on me and my own happiness and wellbeing which in turn, rubbed off on him! Voila!

I still don't like to see him looking troubled or sad but nowadays, I just don't automatically assume it's something i've done/not done or can cure. To be honest, I just go do my own thing and let him so his wallowing

Has your doctor mentioned taking you off the meds? If they are helping you to such a great extent then surely he will let you stay on them?
Definately get Dh to try the 5HTP, I took alongside the St Johns and it really did make a difference. I would say it's been my best supplement discovery yet!

He should give up drink for a start surely if he wants the marriage to survive?

Also you can check if it's your problem re sex by not having vaginal sex and see if you can still make him come and also if he can when he is on his own.

Also, just a thought but, alcohol is a depressive so, the St John's is probably not working to it's full effect. Would he contemplate giving up the drinking for a while?

X posts with Xenia

he did give up drinking for almost a month this january - but felt really miserable - I thought it was the come down as he has drunk a lot for 20 years now on daily basis

that was when he went to GP to check if he was despressed, and to ask when he would start to feel better for being off the booze - GP said this IS how you'll feel, so he took it up again...

we can make him come with a bit of help after he's withdrawn (have just recently started this - we used to be too "repressed"), I think he can come on his own, he did manage it during penetrative sex recently but before that it had been months...it's all just a bit odd and makes me wonder if there is something amiss with my bits

I do think the booze ain't helping though, either his depression or his sexual prowess

no GP hasn't mentioned taking me off meds, and I hope he won't. I do think I have possibly always suffered from a kind of low grade chronic depression so maybe I just need to be on them permanently ...they really make me feel like a real person whereas before I always felt like some kind of cardboard cutout, if that makes any sense

yes love, it makes perfect sense! I remember how i felt when I took the supplements. I felt reborn! It felt so good to be happy and, like you say, a real person. Maybe it's because you are now feeling so good about life, about yourself, that you are now aiming for 'perfection' in this other area of your life. You want it all!!!

I don't think it's anything to do with you and it's just like the other example I'm thinking about. But I don't know the cause. May be his sex drive is quite low too so it's no use asking if he masturbates to orgasm every other day on his own to compare how that goes with when he's with you because probably isn't and probably isn't very bothered about it.

No one needs to drink. I don't drink. People use drink and drugs (and food) to mask other problems they don't want to deal with. The difference for me in drinking and not drinking is virtually none as I never liked the taste much and don't really like it but for a lot of people they can hardly get through a day without a drink.

yes I reckon his sex drive probably is quite low...booze and mild depression probably don't help there

wish we could all be like you Xenia and not drink - i'm afraid I do like a glass of wine every now and then too though, though not every day and not too much anymore, and DH was miserable at the thought of not drinking again

TFM - glad that made sense it's kind of like it's the first time in my life that I feel myself

just read the rest of your message TFM - I'm not aiming for perfection at all - in fact one thing the meds have done for me, which has been a major part of why I am feeling so much better, is made me realise that not everything needs to be perfect. I used to be a real perfectionist and make myself totally miserable in the process...now good enough is just that. So I just want us to be comfortable and content together...mind blowing sex would be fab, but nice cuddley sex every now and then without too many issues would be fine too

male orgasmic disorder - have had a google and that's what he has...

can stem from variety of causes including pyschological and is relatively rare...

interesting, maybe some gentle counselling will help

don't think I'll tell him...presumably he has googled it himself...

I can relate to that too! I am not so much of a perfectionist these days either, maybe theats because I'm happier in other areas. I'm a lot less harder on myself

will go and do some work now and stop talking to myself (and grinning at myself - even worse!)

x posts

is nice not to be a perfectionist anymore - can highly recommend it

You are right, it is. It's liberating, not being obsessive! See, thats where my 'perfection' theory came in, I wondered if you were obsessing about s.e.x.

I talk to myself all the time. I'm the only one who I get any sense out of

no...talk to me ...you won't get much sense but I'll grin a lot

nope, not obsessing about s.e.x. altho' tbh I probably was a bit after we had our wild and passionate night a week or two ago. The excitement of that has died off now so am back to normal And definitely not being a perfectionist about it...just don't want this non-orgasm thing to become something so ingrained that can't be dealt with, because I don't think it's good