waiting for relationship/sex counselling - a thread to keep me sane while I wait

[needsomeinspirationplease]

following on from my recent thread where I was initially hoping to inject a bit of fizz into our sex life but which morphed into a thread about much more than our sex problems and helped me no end in terms of working some things out in my head I am now going to start this thread. Hopefully it will keep me sane as I wait the 6-8 weeks until we can get our first relationship and sex counselling appointment...

the main problems in our relationship, according to BobbieWickham (to whom I am eternally grateful for her insights - as well as thegreenfairy) are

1. My dh is drinking too much
2. I am depressed and receiving meds for this
3. Our dd1 (5yo) is depressed and is receiving counselling - well, she is actually finsihed her counselling now, but still fairly erratic, highly strung behaviour
4. There is a lack of communication between me and dh (he doesn't want to discuss any of the issues between us)
5. Me and dh have mismatched libidos - mine is high, his is low. I put mine on hold for the past 7 or so years having gotten sick of regular rejection but after a recent sexual reawakening have decided I don't want to do this anymore

and I would add
6) we have disjointed expectations of present/future life together and with our kids (he rarely wants to do anything other than very very local, predictable things with the kids)

but we are very fond of each other (I think!) and have been together 15 years so I guess it's worth trying some counselling in order to try to sort stuff out

we have just submitted our questionaires to the counselling service (well, DH says he will do this later today) and should get appt in next 6-8 weeks

If anyone would like to share their experiences of couples/sex counselling with me I'd be grateful, or any other experiences that might have a bearing

in the meantime I will post here if things get too much again

Well, don't shout me down for this but, I wonder if your DH is feeling the strain of his 'problem' and that, combined with knowing how much you want things to improve, is actually adding to the problem. IYSWIM.

Now, my advice would be to take a 'holiday' from sex, from any sexual contact whatsoever. Just enjoy each other and each others company, have alugh, have fun, whatever. Don't even talk about s.e.x. Then, when the holiday period is over, you start by just kissing and massaging each other, nothing more than that and, no naughty parts to be involved! . Then, you progress slowly, naughty parts can be introduced and so on and so on....

Maybe, just maybe, if you both make a conscious decision to have a rest from all the stress and pressure surrounding sex, it will put the spark back into things.

hmm...dunno if he is feeling the strain...or indeed if he thinks it is a problem...we don't talk about it

if I said we should take a holiday from it all he'd know I thought it was a problem...

all this not talking about stuff makes things VERY complicated I find...

Am a bit confused (that will teach me for not reading your other thread , does he not know there is a problem? I was thinking you were awaiting counselling. Is it not for this particular issue?

Have got to go make tea now but I will be back later for further info. Meanwhile, keep grinning x

Male orgasmic disorder? I am not sure it's always psychological but sounds like it might be. Is there a cure?

yes TFM you really should have read that other thread [my turn to wag finger, tut tut]

we are going to counelling because I am mad and we traditionally argue a lot (although recently I've been on good form so not arguing so much) and our daughter has needed counselling and I worry about her, and our future as a family and it all gets too much for me and I want us to talk about all that stuff...GP recommende it as next step in my treatment for depression
the sex thing has never been talked about really, but is something that is worrying me

xenia - dunno about cures - they mentioned sex therapy in the article I read

one interesting thing the article said was that sometimes this can happen if the man is too focussed on getting his partner to orgasm, and I must say it is a rare occasion when I don't orgasm, which is nice of course but not if is at the total expense of his....

Aaah, I seeeee! I did take a quick look at your other thread but it was very long and i was very tired

But, you are not mad anymore are you? So, are you still going for relationship counselling or is it just for the sex bit now?

How is your daughter now? Have you noticed any positive changes in her since you started to feel better and are getting on better with DH?

well, maybe not so mad now, but I will always be a bit mad, it's just the way I am ...and Ive given up looking for perfection so that's ok...

we are waiting for relationship counselling...but we obviously need some help with this sex thing although we haven't discussed it and he hasn't admitted it is an issue...

it's all such fun

ooops - don't you just hate when people butt in pretending to be the OP. It's very rude. Bugger off you weirdo...

How does DH react/feel when he has been unable to orgasm? Does he get frustrated or is he a take it or leave it kind of man? Is it an issue for him or more so for you?

Just a thought but, has DH ever been tested for underlying illness i.e. diabetes or anything like that?

just refound this thread.
my dp used to find it almost impossible having an orgasm through penetrative sex. he enjoyed it, but would always have to withdraw and either bring himself off/have me bring him off in whatever way afterward.
far from being too slack vaginally, my dp found me too tight for his particular penis: his foreskin was basically a bit too tight. he had an operation on it, like a partial circumcision, and finds coming in me easier now. saying that, he still prefers to do other things, which suits us just fine
anyway, i go into such details cos i wondered if maybe your dp has a tight foreskin too? if not, than it might just be he doesn't enjoy penetrative sex so much as other sex. again, like my dp. which may be fine for you, but i imagine for some men they might be afraid to admit such things, cos non-penetrative sex isn't even called sex by some people! (in my very mixed sexuality circles anything below the waist is called sex)
just another thought.
glad you enjoying your rabbit! i have a strap on and a fully veined large vibrator too, but my favourite pleasure is reading Nancy Friday books. if you are a bit shy of porn try getting a copy of "Women On Top" by Nancy Friday. Its a collection of sexual fantasies by women and somehow feels less seedy than watching videos.

hmm, that's interesting maebee...DH never had trouble coming through penetrative sex before though...but I don't mind as long as he is getting off somehow during the "sexual encounter" in fact i find it quite interesting to do things other ways, it's just we've never really explored any of that, being fairly straight up and down folk, until now anyway...
I just don't wnat to think it is me...that he has gone off me...or finds soemthing about me physically a problem...blah blah blah...

will check out nancy friday, am not into porn industry so don't watch/look at porn at all...but raunchy books could be interesting...I like Anais Nin, bit of culture and good writing with the eroticism does it for me

TFM no he doesn't get frustrated or bent out of shape at all...he is a very sweet man and just says...oh well, I'm very stressed...and goes to sleep...
never been checked for diabetes or anything ...to all extents and purposes is in peak health...

Nancy Friday is excellent. I have two of her books so I can reccommend them too

nancy friday is good cos its not like its commercial big industry exploitation porn. although it can be used for cheap kicks as the same effect but without the ethical minefield!!
Nancy Friday books tend to have a real mix of straight and extreme fantasies, cos they are real peoples fantasies. could you read some aloud to your partner and discuss them? not in a big heavy way, but more, oooh, imagine people getting off on this, what do you think? kind of discussion. even if you end up laughing together at the outlandish ones (one that springs to mind is a guy who fantasises about having his intestines eating by eagles. im pretty broad minded/totally dirty, but thats quite far out!!)then you are discussing sex and its intricicies and all that.
be careful of course, you don't want to be laughing at something that actually he secretly is in to.
i think you said sex trailed off after you moved in together. im perhaps a bit blokey but same for me. i find sex dull unless its risky in some way, a bit 'bad', and living with my partner/having a baby has definately killed off some of my interest. i still love him and fancy him, but its not the big pash fest it used to be. thats sad for both of us, but i guess its just the way it is.
do you ever masturbate for each other? if your man is finding orgasm a bit of a pressure then masturbating in front of him while he watches could be quite a turn on/pressure off activity.
of course, all this emphasis on sex doesnt deal with other underlying problems, like his boozing/your depression and the horribly gutting situation of your little un being depressed too. don't get too caught up in the sex stuff even though its so fascinating!