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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered affair

64 replies

Vaguelyinterested · 30/05/2023 15:54

Been married 21 years, picked up his phone and saw what is clearly an affair spanning a number of years that is much more than just physical. Neither of us believe in divorce as we are Jewish. He’s been trying to convince me to put it behind us, begging me to not tell anyone. I know this woman and could make life very difficult for her and it’s all that’s on my mind at the moment. I want her to hurt the way I am. I don’t even think I have a question here I’m just blindsided

OP posts:
flipent · 30/05/2023 15:56

I am so sorry that this has happened.

But why is your anger aimed at OW. Your husband is the one who made a commitment to you which he has broken.

icelollycraving · 30/05/2023 15:57

Goodness, how awful got you. Is it a friend or someone you know within the community?
No wonder he doesn’t want you to tell people, he doesn’t want to hold the mirror up to his own behaviour.
Does this woman know he was married?
If you absolutely won’t divorce, can you have counselling to repair the relationship. I would want them both to hurt so I understand your thoughts around the woman.

Wishitsnows · 30/05/2023 15:59

How terrible for you. I’m sure in your religion affairs aren’t acceptable but it didn’t stop your husband. Divorce may not be ideal but that’s not your fault.

WaitingfortheTardis · 30/05/2023 16:00

He doesn't believe in divorce but does believe in sleeping with anyone he fancies while married?! Sounds like a man who is pretty rotten to me. If you do decide to try and work through this it needs to be on your terms and you need to be able to tell whoever you need to in order to get the support you need. He caused this, not you.

ddd20102010 · 30/05/2023 16:00

Gosh what a shock OP. I am so sorry. How was your relationship with DH? prior to you finding this out. Is he with you now? It might be better for him to give you some space to think. Was OW a mutual friend? Big unmumsnetty hug. Remember he created this mess and don't be rushed into deciding anything.

Original poster
Vaguelyinterested · 30/05/2023 16:04

He hasn’t been showing interest in me for years. Lots of arguments and differences and we reached a stalemate a long time ago to get along as best we can. I wasn’t interested in physical stuff anymore, and then he wasn’t when I was. I suppose we didn’t work through our problems very well. I know her through other people, she’s not my friend

OP posts:
letthatmango · 30/05/2023 16:04

@Vaguelyinterested I’m so sorry, you’ll be in shock. Self care first, try to eat, keep hydrated, take exercise. I know that sounds stupid but it’s so needed right now. Understand you’ve been put on a roller coaster that takes years to heal from but you won’t always feel like this.
Then STD tests and you see a lawyer and find out about your rights, whether you stay or go.
He MUST cut all contact with this woman, and you must not for a minute believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now, he’s in self preservation/damage limitation mode.
This level of affair takes a huge amount of selfishness and entitlement, to lie and betray you for so long is unthinkable. You need to seek individual counselling to support you as you process this.
And please don’t pay attention to posters like the one above who pounce on comments about OW to make some ridiculous point, and kick the victim when they’re down! Unfortunately MN has a number of them, surviving infidelity may be your best support site for moving forward, it was my saving grace.
Huge hug.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2023 16:07

You don’t have to stay with him. If you do and the marriage is basically dead then take a lover of your own.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 16:09

The marriage has been dead for years and you're just living a lie. Refuse to waste the rest of your life and get a divorce.

FofB · 30/05/2023 16:36

So is he worried about how much he has hurt you or is he more worried about other people finding out? Is he more concerned about how he will look to others in his community that betraying your vows? If so, you need to have a long hard think about wasting your life with him when you could potentially find someone who really loves you.

redheadcurl · 30/05/2023 16:59

Do what you need to do for yourself. Sod him. The selfish bastard.

Chispazo · 30/05/2023 17:22

You can get divorced if you choose. Sorry for the shock you must be feeling.

take stock, plan, find your own path. Make decisions that are right for you. You are not obliged to represent your faith ykwim? He cheated and I feel like Jewish people don't really believe in cheating either. Plenty of catholics who don't believe in divorce end up divorced. No matter region we were brought up in, being a good Muslim, jew, Catholic, 9 times out of 10, it means tolerating disrespect.

Xxxxxx

Ihaveoflate · 30/05/2023 17:24

Are you worried about him withholding a Get? If not, I can't see why you would want to remain married given what you've said.

I stayed after my husband's affair, but only because I thought the marriage was worth saving and he was totally committed to doing the necessary work. It sounds like the affair is just the final nail in the coffin.

AbraKedavra · 30/05/2023 17:31

Pretty sure you've been as good as divorced for years in all but the name. TBH I can't even see what the big deal is in either of you having an affair, and the anger is a bit misplaced. Clearly neither of you has wanted to work on the marriage for years, so it's not as if he betrayed you by having an affair.

Not the point, but what do you mean by not believing in divorce because you're Jewish? I'm pretty sure Jewish people can get divorced as I know one myself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2023 17:36

Your H is the one you should be primarily angry at so why are you wanting to hurt her?.

Refuse to live a lie (because that is really what he further wants you to do here) and seek a divorce.

Original poster
Vaguelyinterested · 30/05/2023 17:40

It’s not about whether we can divorce, anyone can do anything, it’s about whether we believe it’s right and could live with it. Both spiritually and in the community. You said there’s no right to anger, but I did try, these last few years I tried all sorts and sometimes it felt like things were getting to a good place. The thing that hurts is I do still love him, and he’s lied to me for years

OP posts:
MinxieMax · 30/05/2023 17:41

You both might not believe in divorce, but it most certainly is not forbidden in Judaism.

Easy for me to say, but speak to the Rabbi maybe, and a solicitor and commence divorce proceedings now. Life is far too short to keep up appearances for others, when neither of you are happy. Do not go down the revenge route it serves no purpose, get divorced instead.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2023 17:44

Why do you think it’s right to stay married when it makes you both unhappy?

Nutterjacks · 30/05/2023 17:55

He may think divorce is not right but cheating on your wife is definitely not right in any culture/religion.
You need to put your happiness first, staying together to keep up appearances is ludicrous.

MyAnacondaMight · 30/05/2023 18:05

I’m sorry, this must be a shock. But really, what sort of marriage or life are you upholding, if it’s a stalemate - now with added infidelity?

Please carefully consider your position re divorce. It could just be the best thing to happen for you.

Cc1998 · 30/05/2023 18:28

He doesn't believe in divorce, but believes in cheating on his wife.
Grab your self respect and start believing in divorce. It's much better than a life of being second best to someone else.

Beaverbridge · 30/05/2023 18:34

Hes not religious, shagging another woman. Sounds like it's been dead in the water for ages.

Theypickedhim · 30/05/2023 18:37

Have a look on surviving infidelity website’s forum - there’s a section called Just Found Out

JFDIYOLO · 30/05/2023 18:44

Why are you both trudging along wasting your lives together when you dont like, love or respect each other?

A rabbinical court can compel a husband to divorce his wife under certain circumstances such as when he violates or neglects his marital obligations.

Thou shalt not commit adultery is a pretty big rule and he's done that. He showed zero respect for the marriage vows.

ShandaLear · 30/05/2023 18:48

Your marriage was clearly dead. You only get one go at this life so why spend it unhappy?

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