Just discovered affair

[Vaguelyinterested]

Been married 21 years, picked up his phone and saw what is clearly an affair spanning a number of years that is much more than just physical. Neither of us believe in divorce as we are Jewish. He’s been trying to convince me to put it behind us, begging me to not tell anyone. I know this woman and could make life very difficult for her and it’s all that’s on my mind at the moment. I want her to hurt the way I am. I don’t even think I have a question here I’m just blindsided

He's using his religion to cheat with impunity.

@Vaguelyinterested - I have sent you a message.

His defence is laughably weak. I have never understood "it wasn't important / it didn't mean anything" as an excuse.

So you lied to your spouse, risked your standing and reputation in the community, for something that wasn't important? If your marriage, your reputation and your own morality is import ant to you, why would you jeopardise them for a shag that didn't mean anything? And not just once, but repeatedly? What does it say about the kind of person you are and how you view women and intimacy, that you were happy to shag someone else despite it not meaning much to you?

If you want to really test whether he's genuine or not then say this to him and see what his reaction is. He can't have it both ways.

Just to let you know I am thinking of you.

I'm not religious but if you want to proceed to separation and discover you are not the bad person. He is the one who broke his commitment to you and the Jewish tradition, not you. He severed it. You should not judge yourself if you need to start over to move forward with your own life.

*separation and DIVORCE

It’s not about whether we can divorce, anyone can do anything, it’s about whether we believe it’s right and could live with it. Both spiritually and in the community.

I have friends who got married because they thought god told them to.
They don't particularly get on well, and certainly now they have a dislike of each other. The kids have suffered nearly two decades of this, and as adults/young adults they can see straight through the misery that their mum is. He merrily heads of to work for weeks at a time in another country, and really doesn't seem to care for anyone. They too do not believe in divorce.
These decisions have now defined life for them - and made their kids, friends and family (who regularly pick them up after an argument) a real misery.
Beyond appeasing a few judgemental people, what the heck is to be gained by staying together?
I understand religion is important to people - but so much of it is cultural, not religion.
Please bail on this.

I and deciding what to do and I have asked him to move out while I think about it.

Ok, update. I told him to just go, that he made no effort with our marriage the last few years anyhow and he loves someone else. I told him there won’t be any payback from me, and financially speaking we are well off, with our own assets, and no major impact there to either of us. I told him I will let him go and won’t tell anyone about his affair if he wants to have a fresh start with her without the shame of it all.

He begged and pleaded and told me no it’s not what he wants. How does someone carry on an affair like that, pour all their energy and love into it, and then act like it meant nothing to them? At this point I was losing feelings for him and feel like I don’t know him anymore. I told him to stay here and we’ll go out and do fun stuff together like we used to and see what happens. He eagerly agreed. But I feel like, this guy, he just lies.

so when be was asleep I took his phone to see if he’s been in touch with this woman. There was no contact between him since he messaged her saying he doesn’t love her, saying he wants me back, and for her to leave us alone. She sent a couple of pleading ones that he didn’t respond to, and that was last week.

However I was curious and saw other messages between him and other females. It looks like he has been having affairs for a bit part of our marriage, and some hook ups. Even visiting massage parlours.

I’ve said nothing to him of what I’ve discovered. He’s been doing this stuff while being with the other woman and declaring his love also. What a catch. He now makes my skin crawl. The genuine love I had for him from when I was young, has been replaced with an understanding that I do not know him, and never did, I knew parts of him, but what parts were real? This is a man iv heard deny love for a woman he had a long term emotional and physical affair with and cut her off like she was nothing.

of course I am leaving. But I want to tell the other woman what he’s been up to. His treatment of her has actually made me despise him more than I was beginning to. She believes deep down her loves her. He loves nobody but himself. My heart isn’t breaking just for me it’s breaking for her also, whatever she’s done

He sounds like a narcissist.

If you want to tell this other woman you would need to take photos of what you have discovered. She won't believe you otherwise. He deceived you for years so it would have been easy for him to have deceived her.

I would divorce him and tell everyone everything let the truth come out.
Bottling this in and trying to 'rise above it' and be the bigger person nonsense will eat up at you. It will be easier for everyone to move on and heal if the truth came out, fully to everyone involved.

So sorry this has happened to you. My exh had an affair, and I know how utterly devastating it is.

I see how it makes it worse that he has cut OW off without a care as well as it demonstrates what kind of man he is. Hope you can tell your sister now and get some support. You need to think of yourself here. Be kind to yourself.

I’m a realist. Of course it hurts, very deeply. However I am a psychologist, and I can see that this man is not the strong, faithful, prudent, thoughtful man I once knew. Either he is having a complete breakdown or he was always like this and was very good at hiding it. Because I couldn’t imagine doing those things, I have lost respect for him as the man in my life. I care about him still very much. If he was exhibiting weakness through illness or stress or lost his job or money etc etc, I would love and care for him more than ever. The snivelling wreck he has become due to his own lusts and lies and foolishness, loving nobody but himself through all of this, that is not the man I want in my life

Exposing him will not make me feel better. I’ve just booked a week long trip to Italy, that will make me feel better